“My mother sent me this gem of a newspaper clipping from my hometown in Florida,” Kim says. “I didn’t know if she had any personal involvement in this tragedy, or if she just thought it was hilarious, like I did.”
(Perhaps it was intended as a cautionary tale. Or a warning to keep an eye out for one-legged flamingos?)
related: askin’ for it
113 responses so far ↓
#1
Escape Goat
“Son, I just bought this leg-less plastic flamingo at a yard sale. Please, please, beat me within an inch of my miserable life.”
Apr 12, 2010 at 7:58 pm rating: 35
#2
Odious
It’s hard to believe it’s from an actual newspaper, you. If so, the editor thank you, must have been for a few years. Asleep.
Apr 12, 2010 at 7:59 pm rating: 36
#3
sleeps
No questions asked, just righteous beatdowns given, thank you.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:10 pm rating: 31
#4
Atella
“If you have any feelings at all you, will….”
If you are going to post this in a newspaper at least use proper grammar.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:12 pm rating: 5
#5
frogfactory
Meteorite strike, I think.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:13 pm rating: 3
#6
Pterosaur
It should be easy to find the thief. Just drive around the neighborhood until you spot a front lawn that’s as tacky as yours.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:14 pm rating: 58
#7
Denny DelVecchio
At my school, the troglodytic Chachis who stole lawn ornaments wouldn’t have read that unless it was printed in Penthouse Letters.
No, we certainly wouldn’t have.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:23 pm rating: 16
#8
Mo®
This was the first documented evidence of lawn ornament abduction by El Chupacabras.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:24 pm rating: 8
#9
Long before dawn
Two plastic flamingos that’ve been exposed to the weather for twenty years…
They were probably finally mercifully laid to rest in the nearest landfill.
Can’t imagine why anyone would want to steal from this person. They seem like such a nice lady/man. >.>
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:36 pm rating: 9
#10
smookie
I’m going to break this to you as gently as possible…. Your things were stolen because no one in the hood wanted to see them again.
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:46 pm rating: 33
#11
amazon
So if my mother or husband comes home with mushrooms and flamingos, that is ok?
Apr 12, 2010 at 8:59 pm rating: 1
#12
Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)
“Now some other low life person came into my yard…”
It’s a conspiracy!
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:25 pm rating: 5
#13
ellipsis
What an incentive to return it!
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:27 pm rating: 2
#14
Chicken Underwear
that is not so passive
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:30 pm rating: 1
#15
Melissa B
her yard must be intense.
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:30 pm rating: 8
#16
Amber
This is just pure awesome…I laughed SO hard
You would think the newspaper would have corrected some of the errors, but it is much funnier to read it this way so i’m glad they didn’t.
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:40 pm rating: 1
#17
HugsandKisses101
Man, I wish I would’ve seen those ceramic mushrooms first. I would have called dibs on stealing them.
What? I don’t have a husband son to bring me the kitsch they stole.
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:41 pm rating: 3
#18
Canthz_B
I vaguely remember stealing legless plastic flamingos the last time I did ceramic mushrooms.
Not worth my time though…the damned things melted on the grill.
Apr 12, 2010 at 9:54 pm rating: 24
#19
Dargus
People don’t steal your pink flamingos and ceramic mushrooms, only to put them in their own yard.
They steal them and destroy them.
Your flamingos and mushrooms are dead, and your neighbors are to blame.
Apr 12, 2010 at 10:03 pm rating: 2
#20
H for Toy
Road trip to Vero Lake Estates, anyone?
Apr 12, 2010 at 10:09 pm rating: 8
#21
oi
So what kind of questions I am suppose to ask when I return stolen goods like crippled plastic flamingos? Why she has such a poor taste in outdoor decorations? or Did City ever fine her for making yard and in turn City look so ugly?
Apr 12, 2010 at 10:23 pm rating: 5
#22
Lisa
This may possibly be the most awesome PAN post I have ever seen. This woman (assuming here) has PERFECTED the art of PAN. Everything sounds nice and civil until the very end, in which she informs you that, even if you ‘fess up to this heinous crime, she will still beat you to “within an inch of your miserable life. Thank you.”
God, the “Thank you.” just KILLS me.
Apr 12, 2010 at 10:26 pm rating: 12
#23
Luna (the other one)
My God! This woman must be related to the neighbor I had about 15 years ago. Her yard was a terrifying display of 20 – 30 fake canadian geese, flamingos, penguins, and a little dutch boy and girl on a bridge with a “no trespassing” sign on it. After a friend and I had had a drink or five, we thought it would be funny to rearrange them. We stole nothing – just moved them around a little. When we regained consciousness the following morning, we saw the police over there. They honestly called the police because their lawn ornaments moved!
Apr 12, 2010 at 10:41 pm rating: 28
#24
Dogen
My bet’s on the husband son. I think he was tripping on the ceramic mushrooms when he suddenly realized the pink flamingos were attacking him.
Of course CB at 18 beat my slow ass to my dumb joke.
Apr 12, 2010 at 10:42 pm rating: 8
#25
Susan
How is it funny that someone stole from this person? Was it crap that got stolen? Maybe, but it was her crap. Who knows what sort of sentimental value it had to her. A lot of stuff on this site is funny, making fun of somebody because someone stole from them isn’t. Don’t be asses. Find something that really is funny.
Apr 12, 2010 at 11:02 pm rating: 3
#26
aaa
Husband son? Isn’t that what happened in Oedipus Rex?
Apr 12, 2010 at 11:24 pm rating: 16
#27
Haggie
One high school summer we were driving around drinking and stole a concrete Virgin Mary from a yard. As we were pulling it out of my trunk to deposit on the front lawn of my high school, the owner pulled up. In a panic, we dropped the Virgin Mary, she shattered, and we made our get away.
The police showed up the next day. My parents were less than pleased. I had to buy the guy a new Virgin Mary statue.
As my catholic schooled buddy that was riding shotgun said: “You just don’t fuck with the Virgin Mary.”
Apr 12, 2010 at 11:27 pm rating: 27
#28
TheOldSchool
What I want to know is the following:
Has the Vero Beach Police Department yet made any meaningful progress on this case?
Please tell me it has. I don’t want to get the Bureau and Homeland onto this, but I will if these thugs aren’t apprehended pronto.
Apr 12, 2010 at 11:38 pm rating: 8
#29
Blogmella
When I was a kid our neighbours had a plastic flamingo. We didn’t steal it but one April Fools’ Day my Dad left an egg under it.
Apr 13, 2010 at 1:21 am rating: 22
#30
Grant
Beaten to within an inch of his life with a plastic flamingo.
Sounds like a scene from a John Cleese movie.
Apr 13, 2010 at 4:04 am rating: 6
#31
Oink
In my old neighbourhood, a couple of houses put toilet bowls in their front gardens and used them as plantpots. If only I could have picked one up and chucked it in a skip I would have. Anyone who decorates their garden with this sort of rubbish deserves them to be stolen.
Apr 13, 2010 at 4:31 am rating: 9
#32
TippingCows
Stop stealing from yards!
So porches and unlocked cars are fair game, then?
Apr 13, 2010 at 6:10 am rating: 2
#33
Splint Chesthair
People who decorate their lawns with man-made objects deserve to have those items stolen. NO ONE thinks it looks good.
Apr 13, 2010 at 6:31 am rating: 2
#34
claw71
I don’t consider myself a thief. I like to think that I am a vigilante. A Batman of a good taste, if you will.
Apr 13, 2010 at 7:57 am rating: 28
#35
sonny bishop
This comes from a local paper here called The Hometown News, which features a page called Rants and Raves. Rants are printed as they are written so no editing. The paper is delivered every Saturday for free whether you want one or not, and any attempt to cancel delivery usually results in an extra issued being thrown at you from a car window.
Apr 13, 2010 at 8:03 am rating: 13
#36
lotell
We regularly stole flamingos in Iraq when we saw them on bases. We would then fly them around on our trips, sending photos of their Flamingos in Basra, Tikrit, the boarder with Iran etc. We returned them after we had our fun. We never had nasty notes, in fact the owners were rather proud of the journey.
Apr 13, 2010 at 8:42 am rating: 8
#37
Stinky
I love a good beating with no questions asked.
Apr 13, 2010 at 9:26 am rating: 6
#38
Stinky
My sister’s neighbor has lots of tacky Christmas lawn ornaments – which are bad enough, but they have a nativity scene with Minnie and Mickey as Mary and Joseph, and Baby Mickey as the baby Jesus. I never had the urge to steal and destroy lawn ornaments before, but this one might push me over the edge.
Apr 13, 2010 at 9:28 am rating: 5
#39
Thatguy
My buddies and I would move Halloween decorations from one house too one that didn’t have any decorations, maybe their brother, son, daughter, mother , father, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, godparent should check next door.
Apr 13, 2010 at 9:46 am rating: 1
#40
Sam
I just need to clarify – it wasn’t my mother husband wife son daughter or neighbor that pilfered the relics, it was actually my second cousin’s office mate’s best friend’s auto mechanic who happens to be a hermaphrodite (he/she). I’m sorry for the confusion.
Apr 13, 2010 at 10:06 am rating: 15
#41
rave
Today’s special menu @ “The Flaming Garbage Can,” the alley’s most prestigious new eatery: Braised pink flamingo served on a bed of Roasted ceramic mushrooms.
Hobo #1: “I really do wish they’d have gotten a hold of some more of those Scottish blinking balls… those were nice.”
Hobo #2: “Yes, but you’ve got to admit, the marriage between flamingo and mushroom is enticing… in fact, i’d go so far as to say it sounds fucking delicious…”
Apr 13, 2010 at 10:13 am rating: 9
#42
H for Toy
I’ve been mothered, fathered, aunt and uncled. Been Roy Halee’d and Art Garfunkle’d. I just discovered, somebody’s tapped my phone!
Apr 13, 2010 at 10:25 am rating: 3
#43
GhostWriter
Somebody should explain to her that Florida’s dry spring weather shortens mushroom life, and that April marks the migratory return of flamingos to Ohio (often shedding their winter-time leg exoskeletons).
As long as she remembers to lay a couple pounds of shrimp out on her lawn this fall, those flamingos will be right back later in the year.
Apr 13, 2010 at 10:54 am rating: 8
#44
Matt
Yeah, okay, I think I can take a woman who gets landscaping ideas from a John Waters movie.
Apr 13, 2010 at 11:49 am rating: 4
#45
gladystopia
In my old ‘hood (19th Ward 4 LYFE!) when I was at my most pissed-off, the rage was plastic porch geese in seasonal outfits. One night a friend and I, while drinking heavily, hatched a plan to go around denuding the geese of their miniature ensembles, scandalizing the very-Catholic area with the specter of shameless waterfowl flaunting their nonexistent plastic genitalia.
Alas, my friend puked and I fell asleep. Or she fell asleep and I puked. Something like that; and when we woke up, all the geese were still clothed (as were we, but that’s only because she wasn’t my type.)
Apr 13, 2010 at 9:14 pm rating: 2
#46
Sarah
My mom weekly drives past a house with a LOT of garden gnomes in the front yard. About a year ago she bought some garden gnomes on sale and then added a gnome to the garden every week for a few months. They’re still there.
Apr 14, 2010 at 3:05 am rating: 5
#47
wiesoauchimmer
it was them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden_Gnome_Liberationists#Garden_Gnome_Liberation_Front
they’ve widened their range from garden gnomes to mushrooms and flamingos! wooooohoooo
Apr 15, 2010 at 1:44 am rating: 0
#48
Sparkles23
While I have never stolen lawn ornaments in the first person – I did employ my (now ex) brother-in-law to, um, relocate a plastic manger scene from my landlord’s yard.
Apr 16, 2010 at 3:14 am rating: 0
#49
megadosya
If you are going to post this in a newspaper at least use proper grammar.
thanks….
Apr 16, 2010 at 12:59 pm rating: 0
#50
Cleo
Reminds me of something I read awhile ago:
A guy had some extra tires to get rid of, so he put them on his yard with a sign saying “FREE: please take if you want them” next to them. For months they remained untouched. Then, he changed out the free sign for one that said “Tires: $25.”
the next day, they were stolen.
Moral of the story: humans suck. The end.
Apr 21, 2010 at 4:41 pm rating: 0
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