Mothers, lock up your lawn ornaments!

April 12th, 2010 · 113 comments

“My mother sent me this gem of a newspaper clipping from my hometown in Florida,” Kim says. “I didn’t know if she had any personal involvement in this tragedy, or if she just thought it was hilarious, like I did.”

(Perhaps it was intended as a cautionary tale. Or a warning to keep an eye out for one-legged flamingos?)

I live in Vero Lake Estates and some low-life, mother, daughter, husband son or neighbor came into my yard and took three ceramic mushrooms some time ago that I had for a few years. Now some low-life person came in my yard and took my three plastic flamingos that I have had in my yard for 20 years. They did leave one flamingo and tow of the legs from the others. I cannot understand this and please be sure when your wife, daughter, father or son comes home and says look what I bought at a yard sale, they are lying. If you have any feelings at all you, will return them with no questions asked. I will only beat you within an inch of your miserable life, thank you.

related: askin’ for it

FILED UNDER: Florida · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · stealing


113 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Escape Goat

    “Son, I just bought this leg-less plastic flamingo at a yard sale. Please, please, beat me within an inch of my miserable life.”

    Apr 12, 2010 at 7:58 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Odious

    It’s hard to believe it’s from an actual newspaper, you. If so, the editor thank you, must have been for a few years. Asleep.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 7:59 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   G bang

      What editor? Newspapers keep sacking their editors and telling the journalists to write better. This is not having the desired effect.

      But I’ve seen a lot of letters to the editor that were rather outrageous that were allowed to keep their various spelling and grammar mistakes. I think the editors left them for effect.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 9:20 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   H for Toy bang

      If the editor had been paying attention, it would have read “some low-life mother… shut yo mouth!”

      Apr 12, 2010 at 10:12 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Mo®

      Hey just talkin about gnomes.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 10:01 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   21skulls

      I can dig it.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 2:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Mo® bang

      Solid!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 4:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Maas

      I don’t mind lowlifes, and mothers and daughters are fine, but those husband sons creep me out.

      Apr 14, 2010 at 2:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   sleeps

    No questions asked, just righteous beatdowns given, thank you.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:10 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   TheOldSchool

      Sleeps, “call me.”

      Apr 12, 2010 at 10:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   sleeps

      Fees charged however, thank you.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Atella

    “If you have any feelings at all you, will….”

    If you are going to post this in a newspaper at least use proper grammar.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:12 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   frogfactory

    Meteorite strike, I think.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   TheOldSchool

      ff,

      Interesting premise, but highly unlikely. Meteorites haven’t descended upon Vero Beach in ages.

      I think these crimes have all the earmarks of those pesky flying saucers.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 10:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   park rose bang

      Or Mrs. Poli’s flying duck wall ornaments. Long has the rivalry between the three ducks and the three plastic flamingos been known. A 20 year feud, in fact, the bitterness stretching back even further, generations. The founding fathers, or flamingos were always viewed dubiously by the quackers. Skirmishes, resulting in bitter recriminations, indiscriminate web-waggling, vigorous denials and nefarious naysaying postmarked the years. For instance, the ceramic mushrooms.

      When they disappeared, some pundits proclaimed it a sign of peace, whereas others could only see more strangely shaped storm clouds gathering. Whether the mushrooms were added to a secret cache of arms is not know, as neither side took responsibility, and the very existence of such an arsenal has never officially been acknowledged. Some blamed it on China, but others swore porcelain or clay were players as well. Mostly, the Secret Society of Indoor and Outdoor Ornaments knew that the ducks and flamingos were up to their old tricks.

      The longstanding irony is that the ducks were jealous that the flamingos were outside leaves and grass kitsch – free and easy, footloose and fancy-free , whereas the flamingos begrudged the ducks their cushy, coddled life on the inside track. That is, until Mrs. Poli, fashionably dressed in that season’s fluoro velvet tracksuit and white trainers, decided our feathered and weathered (time) friends were passé and possibly the reason why everyone in the township talked about her under their breath as she walked by. In a twist that would have had a double helix tied up in knots, she never realised that the fact they were so passe´ that they were hip again and so hip that they were on the fast-track to passé, and ad infinitum, and so it goes, could have been her saving grace.

      Possession of these objets d’art may have even overridden the infamy of the chronic gas she passed as often as the exhaust from the trucks rumbling up and down the highway. Objets d’art trumps objets d’fart in all but the politest of societies, and even then. . . .

      In a last ditch attempt to up her suburban cachet, she threw out the one thing that might have granted her credibility, rehabilitated her into the platitudinous arms of her neighbours .
      “Huh, how do you like us now?” one of the flamingos was heard to call across the yards to the hapless avian carvings where they lay, strewn with left-over pasta and coffee grounds.
      Ruffled and hurt, indignant and humiliated – yet grimly determined – they fixed their beady eyes fixedly, their mouthy beaks beakily, on the flamingos, so outrageous, so bold and audacious, then drew up the attack. It was a fierce battle. Who would have thought those pink mincing birds had so much mettle? In a clever move, though some say insidious, the ducks decided they would take hostages. Negotiation chips were needed, and they wanted a piece of that lawn, if not the whole thing. It wasn’t too high a price to pay, was it? Ducks and flamingos could get along, and if not, well, what was one more ethnic cleansing?

      However, the plan backfired. Doesn’t it always? As stated before, the ducks didn’t expect the flamingos to put up such a struggle. They had thought it would be a walk in the park, a flap in the forest. They regret the amputation. It really wasn’t part of the overall plan. Then one thing led to another, and one of theirs got his wings clipped, and nothing was achieved. Well, the beheadings were kind of fun. War. Huh? What is it good for? The ducks had learnt their lesson, though. Especially Chip, the wounded wing nut. Next time they were sending in the drones. There had been a long standing, albeit uneasy, truce with the stinging insects. Negotiations with the queen were still underway.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:11 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   infant tyrone bang

      Sorry, this has too many similarities to professional capers.
      But, never fear, Scotland Yard will be assisting VBPD.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUrhdIxTJSA

      Apr 13, 2010 at 12:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   infant tyrone bang

      Hey, folks ! It’s your host, the talking fish, Big Mouth Billy Bass…

      We’ll be back with the concluding segment of Aquatic Avian Turf Wars/
      Vero Beach Edition
      after these words from Categorical Imperative Plumbing, the friendly folks who help you go when you really gotta go.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 12:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   infant tyrone bang

      Maybe a mediocritĕ strike…

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Pterosaur

    It should be easy to find the thief. Just drive around the neighborhood until you spot a front lawn that’s as tacky as yours.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:14 pm   rating: 59  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Denny DelVecchio

    At my school, the troglodytic Chachis who stole lawn ornaments wouldn’t have read that unless it was printed in Penthouse Letters.

    No, we certainly wouldn’t have.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:23 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Escape Goat

      trog·lo·dyte (träg′lə dīt′)
      noun
      any of the prehistoric people who lived in caves; cave man
      a person who chooses to live alone in seclusion; recluse
      anyone who lives in a primitive or degenerate fashion
      an anthropoid ape

      (DOUBLE THUMBS)

      Apr 12, 2010 at 8:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      With stone ornaments in front of the cave.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:01 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   sleeps

      So easy to steal flamingos, a cave man could do it!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:14 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   infant tyrone bang

      Good thing they’re insured…

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Mo®

    This was the first documented evidence of lawn ornament abduction by El Chupacabras.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Long before dawn

    Two plastic flamingos that’ve been exposed to the weather for twenty years…
    They were probably finally mercifully laid to rest in the nearest landfill.

    Can’t imagine why anyone would want to steal from this person. They seem like such a nice lady/man. >.>

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:36 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   smookie

    I’m going to break this to you as gently as possible…. Your things were stolen because no one in the hood wanted to see them again.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:46 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      It was a discreet intervention.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:12 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   amazon

    So if my mother or husband comes home with mushrooms and flamingos, that is ok?

    Apr 12, 2010 at 8:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   infant tyrone bang

      If the ‘shrooms are edible and so are the flamingos, you should be OK.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

    “Now some other low life person came into my yard…”

    It’s a conspiracy!

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   TheOldSchool

      First they came for the ceramic mushrooms, and I said nothing, because I was not a ceramic mushroom….

      Apr 12, 2010 at 10:36 pm   rating: 83  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   zbird

      TOS, I wish I had 20 thumbs.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 2:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   sleeps

      Agreed; many’s the time I have bemoaned my insufficient number of thumbs…

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Mo® bang

      Good thing it wasn’t toes or your hands would look like Megan Fox’s.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 4:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   ellipsis

    What an incentive to return it!

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Sean Jungian

      Imma return ‘em one at a time, for maximum beat-downage.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 9:35 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Chicken Underwear

    that is not so passive

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Melissa B

    her yard must be intense.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Amber

    This is just pure awesome…I laughed SO hard :) You would think the newspaper would have corrected some of the errors, but it is much funnier to read it this way so i’m glad they didn’t.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   HugsandKisses101 bang

    Man, I wish I would’ve seen those ceramic mushrooms first. I would have called dibs on stealing them.

    What? I don’t have a husband son to bring me the kitsch they stole.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    I vaguely remember stealing legless plastic flamingos the last time I did ceramic mushrooms.
    Not worth my time though…the damned things melted on the grill.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 9:54 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Gandalf

      Gee, the last time I did ceramic mushrooms, the grill melted on the plastic flamingos. At least I think they were plastic flamingos. Are there cobwebs on my face? Look out! Bats!

      Oh…sorry. Lost it there for a second. Where was I?

      Apr 13, 2010 at 2:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Dargus

    People don’t steal your pink flamingos and ceramic mushrooms, only to put them in their own yard.

    They steal them and destroy them.

    Your flamingos and mushrooms are dead, and your neighbors are to blame.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   TheOldSchool

      Damn it, Dargus! That’s a lie! They stole them for reasons pertaining to economic necessity!

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   H for Toy bang

    Road trip to Vero Lake Estates, anyone?

    Apr 12, 2010 at 10:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   infant tyrone bang

      Boy howdy, shoot, I’m game !
      I’ll go fill the tank on the White Rabbit.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      You had better go ask Alice…

      Apr 13, 2010 at 12:04 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   infant tyrone bang

      Alice says she’s on, but we have to bring the “caterpillar equipment”.
      She says otherwise we’d be busting our molars on ceramic mushrooms.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 12:49 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   oi bang

    So what kind of questions I am suppose to ask when I return stolen goods like crippled plastic flamingos? Why she has such a poor taste in outdoor decorations? or Did City ever fine her for making yard and in turn City look so ugly?

    Apr 12, 2010 at 10:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Lisa

    This may possibly be the most awesome PAN post I have ever seen. This woman (assuming here) has PERFECTED the art of PAN. Everything sounds nice and civil until the very end, in which she informs you that, even if you ‘fess up to this heinous crime, she will still beat you to “within an inch of your miserable life. Thank you.”

    God, the “Thank you.” just KILLS me.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 10:26 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Luna (the other one)

    My God! This woman must be related to the neighbor I had about 15 years ago. Her yard was a terrifying display of 20 – 30 fake canadian geese, flamingos, penguins, and a little dutch boy and girl on a bridge with a “no trespassing” sign on it. After a friend and I had had a drink or five, we thought it would be funny to rearrange them. We stole nothing – just moved them around a little. When we regained consciousness the following morning, we saw the police over there. They honestly called the police because their lawn ornaments moved!

    Apr 12, 2010 at 10:41 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   infant tyrone bang

      Well, they had lost Uri Geller’s and Ingo Swann’s phone numbers…

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   jaywalke

      After a few drinks, some friends and I used white spray-paint to “Michael Jackson” a neighbor’s lawn jockey.

      It disappeared shortly thereafter.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 8:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Dogen

    My bet’s on the husband son. I think he was tripping on the ceramic mushrooms when he suddenly realized the pink flamingos were attacking him.

    Of course CB at 18 beat my slow ass to my dumb joke.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 10:42 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Susan

    How is it funny that someone stole from this person? Was it crap that got stolen? Maybe, but it was her crap. Who knows what sort of sentimental value it had to her. A lot of stuff on this site is funny, making fun of somebody because someone stole from them isn’t. Don’t be asses. Find something that really is funny.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 11:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   oi bang

      ayi Susan do you have flamingos in your yard then?

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:06 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Luna (the other one)

      I don’t think it’s the theft that’s funny, Susan, but rather her reaction. It’s hard to understand someone’s frustration when they express it without proper sentence structure and punctuation.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   farcical aquatic ceremony

      Oh, I think this theft is funny. Not theft, per se, but THIS theft, since the victim–judging from the note he/she ‘composed’–SO clearly had SOMEthing coming to him.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 8:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   molly ringwald

      um… they were 20 year old plastic flamingos in the yard. if their sentimental value was so great, why were they left outside to suffer for so long… in rain, sleet, snow, sweltering sunshine…?

      i think i will go down the road of being an “ass” and make fun of this moron because i think it IS funny.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 9:11 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   clumber

      I know there is something wrong with agreeing heartily with Molly Ringwald… yet…

      thumb thumb thumb

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   molly ringwald

      if it were 1985, there would be no reason to be ashamed…

      but since the secret life of the american teenager days, i see your point.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 1:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   aaa bang

    Husband son? Isn’t that what happened in Oedipus Rex?

    Apr 12, 2010 at 11:24 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Mo® bang

      ♫He went into the room where his sister lived, and…then he
      Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
      He walked on down the hall, and
      And he came to a door…and he looked inside
      Father, yes son, I want to kill you
      Mother…I want to…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Haggie

    One high school summer we were driving around drinking and stole a concrete Virgin Mary from a yard. As we were pulling it out of my trunk to deposit on the front lawn of my high school, the owner pulled up. In a panic, we dropped the Virgin Mary, she shattered, and we made our get away.

    The police showed up the next day. My parents were less than pleased. I had to buy the guy a new Virgin Mary statue.

    As my catholic schooled buddy that was riding shotgun said: “You just don’t fuck with the Virgin Mary.”

    Apr 12, 2010 at 11:27 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   park rose

      Wow. Ten Hail Marys. Three Our Fathers. You might be forgiven. Tell the last sentence to Joseph.

      Apr 12, 2010 at 11:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   infant tyrone bang

      You’ll have to wait for Joseph to get home from rugby practice.
      He took it up after Mary told him she’d only ‘do it’ with a pair-a-cleats.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 12:15 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Luna (the other one)

      Gosh. They need a button, too.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 5:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Luna (the other one) bang

      That is supposed to say a “groan” button. Where did my groan go? LOL

      Apr 13, 2010 at 7:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   clumber

      Luna, my bet is that claw has your groan.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   TheOldSchool

    What I want to know is the following:

    Has the Vero Beach Police Department yet made any meaningful progress on this case?

    Please tell me it has. I don’t want to get the Bureau and Homeland onto this, but I will if these thugs aren’t apprehended pronto.

    Apr 12, 2010 at 11:38 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   molly ringwald

      what is the world coming to if even our ceramic mushrooms and plastic flamingos aren’t safe?!

      the humanity!!!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 9:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Mark bang

      Leads, yeah, sure. I’ll just check with the boys down at the crime lab, they’ve got four more detectives working on the case. They got us working in shifts!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 10:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   sleeps

      I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the tape deck, though. Or the Creedence.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   Mo® bang

      Well. I guess we can close the file on that one.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Blogmella bang

    When I was a kid our neighbours had a plastic flamingo. We didn’t steal it but one April Fools’ Day my Dad left an egg under it.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 1:21 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Grant

    Beaten to within an inch of his life with a plastic flamingo.

    Sounds like a scene from a John Cleese movie.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 4:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Blogmella bang

      More like a John Waters movie.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 5:00 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   infant tyrone bang

      Patty Hearst at “The Castle” screaming “You kids stay offa my yard” ?

      Would that qualify as “…the Red Queen’s off in her head…” ?

      Apr 13, 2010 at 6:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   clumber

      i’d prefer to see what Mr. Tarantino could do with this plot.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   infant tyrone bang

      Someone briefly pitched QT on doing an updated version of Hitchcock’s Family Plot back in early 2001, but then Carroll O’Connor died, imploding all of the casting irony, so QT lost interest and went on to Kill Bill.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Oink

    In my old neighbourhood, a couple of houses put toilet bowls in their front gardens and used them as plantpots. If only I could have picked one up and chucked it in a skip I would have. Anyone who decorates their garden with this sort of rubbish deserves them to be stolen.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 4:31 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   claw71 bang

      Try old tires painted white. That was all the rage when I was a kid. Some people got really creative and would do this weird industrial origami on truck tires, turn them inside out and make them look like strange black, steel-belted flowers. I also remember rocks painted white and trees with white-washed trunks. That was when Sherwin Williams’ slogan ‘Cover the Earth’ was taken literally. It might have also contributed to the Cuyahoga River catching on fire.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 8:04 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Pterosaur

      Those toilets were in my old neighborhood, too. People with bigger yards took it a step further and used bathtubs. That neighborhood was one plastic deer from reaching White Trash Critical Mass and collapsing into a black hole under the weight of its own tackiness.

      Edit: Oh god, how could I forget the tire? I bought a house last year, and it had a tree growing out of a giant truck tire painted pink. That eyesore got the bulldoze real quick.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 8:08 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   park rose

      White Trash Critical Mass – love it – both the comment and the content. Team pink flamingo lawn ornaments!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 5:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   TippingCows

    Stop stealing from yards!

    So porches and unlocked cars are fair game, then?

    Apr 13, 2010 at 6:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Luna (the other one) bang

      Well, it depends. Do you put a hideously ugly lawn ornament in the driver’s seat before you leave your car unlocked on the street?

      Apr 13, 2010 at 7:40 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   Pterosaur

      If I saw a lawn gnome in the driver’s seat, I’d stay away. Those buggers are fucking creepy. They remind me of those horror movies where dolls come to life and butcher everyone.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 8:32 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   Bunnee

      I always think of the Travelocity gnome, singing the “Da deedle de dah dee dee dee” ditty.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 10:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Splint Chesthair

    People who decorate their lawns with man-made objects deserve to have those items stolen. NO ONE thinks it looks good.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 6:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   park rose

      Except park rose.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 5:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   claw71 bang

    I don’t consider myself a thief. I like to think that I am a vigilante. A Batman of a good taste, if you will.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 7:57 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   sonny bishop

    This comes from a local paper here called The Hometown News, which features a page called Rants and Raves. Rants are printed as they are written so no editing. The paper is delivered every Saturday for free whether you want one or not, and any attempt to cancel delivery usually results in an extra issued being thrown at you from a car window.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 8:03 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   lotell

    We regularly stole flamingos in Iraq when we saw them on bases. We would then fly them around on our trips, sending photos of their Flamingos in Basra, Tikrit, the boarder with Iran etc. We returned them after we had our fun. We never had nasty notes, in fact the owners were rather proud of the journey.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 8:42 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Stinky bang

    I love a good beating with no questions asked.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 9:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Stinky bang

    My sister’s neighbor has lots of tacky Christmas lawn ornaments – which are bad enough, but they have a nativity scene with Minnie and Mickey as Mary and Joseph, and Baby Mickey as the baby Jesus. I never had the urge to steal and destroy lawn ornaments before, but this one might push me over the edge.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 9:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Thatguy

    My buddies and I would move Halloween decorations from one house too one that didn’t have any decorations, maybe their brother, son, daughter, mother , father, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, godparent should check next door.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 9:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Sam

    I just need to clarify – it wasn’t my mother husband wife son daughter or neighbor that pilfered the relics, it was actually my second cousin’s office mate’s best friend’s auto mechanic who happens to be a hermaphrodite (he/she). I’m sorry for the confusion.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 10:06 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   park rose

      That’s an urban legend.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 5:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   rave

    Today’s special menu @ “The Flaming Garbage Can,” the alley’s most prestigious new eatery: Braised pink flamingo served on a bed of Roasted ceramic mushrooms.

    Hobo #1: “I really do wish they’d have gotten a hold of some more of those Scottish blinking balls… those were nice.”
    Hobo #2: “Yes, but you’ve got to admit, the marriage between flamingo and mushroom is enticing… in fact, i’d go so far as to say it sounds fucking delicious…”

    Apr 13, 2010 at 10:13 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   H for Toy bang

    I’ve been mothered, fathered, aunt and uncled. Been Roy Halee’d and Art Garfunkle’d. I just discovered, somebody’s tapped my phone!

    Apr 13, 2010 at 10:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   Mo® bang

      “What were you arrested for, kid?”
      And I said, “Littering.” And they all moved away from me on the bench
      there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
      said, “And creating a nuisance.” And they all came back, shook my hand,
      and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
      father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
      bench.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 11:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   H for Toy bang

      O man… the Group W bench. Great memories there!

      Apr 13, 2010 at 1:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   GhostWriter bang

    Somebody should explain to her that Florida’s dry spring weather shortens mushroom life, and that April marks the migratory return of flamingos to Ohio (often shedding their winter-time leg exoskeletons).

    As long as she remembers to lay a couple pounds of shrimp out on her lawn this fall, those flamingos will be right back later in the year.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 10:54 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Matt

    Yeah, okay, I think I can take a woman who gets landscaping ideas from a John Waters movie.

    Apr 13, 2010 at 11:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   sleeps

      Yes, but will you bring her back after? No questions asked, thank you.

      Apr 13, 2010 at 1:00 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #45   gladystopia

    In my old ‘hood (19th Ward 4 LYFE!) when I was at my most pissed-off, the rage was plastic porch geese in seasonal outfits. One night a friend and I, while drinking heavily, hatched a plan to go around denuding the geese of their miniature ensembles, scandalizing the very-Catholic area with the specter of shameless waterfowl flaunting their nonexistent plastic genitalia.

    Alas, my friend puked and I fell asleep. Or she fell asleep and I puked. Something like that; and when we woke up, all the geese were still clothed (as were we, but that’s only because she wasn’t my type.)

    Apr 13, 2010 at 9:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Sarah

    My mom weekly drives past a house with a LOT of garden gnomes in the front yard. About a year ago she bought some garden gnomes on sale and then added a gnome to the garden every week for a few months. They’re still there.

    Apr 14, 2010 at 3:05 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #46.1   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

      I love it!

      What do you give the person with garden gnomes? More garden gnomes!

      Apr 14, 2010 at 10:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #47   wiesoauchimmer

    it was them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden_Gnome_Liberationists#Garden_Gnome_Liberation_Front

    they’ve widened their range from garden gnomes to mushrooms and flamingos! wooooohoooo

    Apr 15, 2010 at 1:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Sparkles23 bang

    While I have never stolen lawn ornaments in the first person – I did employ my (now ex) brother-in-law to, um, relocate a plastic manger scene from my landlord’s yard.

    Apr 16, 2010 at 3:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   megadosya

    If you are going to post this in a newspaper at least use proper grammar.

    thanks….

    Apr 16, 2010 at 12:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Cleo

    Reminds me of something I read awhile ago:
    A guy had some extra tires to get rid of, so he put them on his yard with a sign saying “FREE: please take if you want them” next to them. For months they remained untouched. Then, he changed out the free sign for one that said “Tires: $25.”
    the next day, they were stolen.
    Moral of the story: humans suck. The end.

    Apr 21, 2010 at 4:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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