Entries from April 2010

Mothers, lock up your lawn ornaments!

April 12th, 2010 · 113 Comments

“My mother sent me this gem of a newspaper clipping from my hometown in Florida,” Kim says. “I didn’t know if she had any personal involvement in this tragedy, or if she just thought it was hilarious, like I did.”

(Perhaps it was intended as a cautionary tale. Or a warning to keep an eye out for one-legged flamingos?)

I live in Vero Lake Estates and some low-life, mother, daughter, husband son or neighbor came into my yard and took three ceramic mushrooms some time ago that I had for a few years. Now some low-life person came in my yard and took my three plastic flamingos that I have had in my yard for 20 years. They did leave one flamingo and tow of the legs from the others. I cannot understand this and please be sure when your wife, daughter, father or son comes home and says look what I bought at a yard sale, they are lying. If you have any feelings at all you, will return them with no questions asked. I will only beat you within an inch of your miserable life, thank you.

related: askin’ for it

Tags: Florida · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · stealing

Because a true friend would never turn down an opportunity to play stupid games and buy you expensive crap

April 11th, 2010 · 122 Comments

…especially when the invitation is extended via your Facebook wall to everyone you know.

So you find out who your true friends are when you have a baby shower...I guess I will look at this as a blessing in disguise, because now I know that true friends aren't flakes, and flakes are not your friends!

so I had my baby shower last weekend and I have to say Im fairly disapointed [sic] in all the people that not only didnt show up but didnt even call so thanks everyone!!!!!!

thanks to all my punk ass friends for not coming to my kids b-day party... if you didn't want to go why in the hell did you say you would in the first place?? assholes

Or (oopsies!) almost everyone you know.

I would like to thank our friends for coming to M-'s very special first birthday party...OH WAIT....none of you showed up! :( I would like to thank Angel (I can always count on you) and Cathy and our course our families for making it great! Luv u!

related: Your Facebook friends…just not that into you.

extra credit: STFU, Parents

Tags: cry me a freaking river · frenemies · it's my party · kids · martyr complex · Moms & Dads · Oops? · preggers

“Really, Honey. Take your time!”

April 9th, 2010 · 118 Comments

Gail in Pennsylvania says the Ann Taylor Loft store at her local mall has a small table stocked with paper and crayons — “an offering to the busy mother who has been forced to bring her pesky little children along for a shopping trip.”

When she took a closer look at the table’s scribblings, however, she had to chuckle at the sitcom-like image of a grown man stuffed into one those kiddie-sized chairs. Adds Gail: “I wonder if Greg’s wife ever saw her wonderful husband’s little PA note to the world? Well, here’s her chance!”

Greg was here waiting 'PATIENTLY' for his wife to try clothes on

related: Happy reinforcing gender stereotypes day!

Tags: actually totally reasonable · battle of the sexes · martyr complex · message to all intended for one · Pennsylvania · retail hell · sig o

The snotty video store clerk lives!

April 8th, 2010 · 66 Comments

Sure, Redbox and Netflix may have been the death of their former stomping grounds. Yet as Erin in San Diego noticed while shopping for DVDs at her local Best Buy, at least one of those condescending cinephiles has condescended to grace us with her presence (and her oh-so-artistic ampersands?) in big-box land.

New/Seasonal people- or a careless media person,

Meanwhile, as Ali noticed, a Blockbuster in Calgary seems to be having similar HR problems.

Now Hiring Please no dinosaurs with clever human costumes- fool me once, shame on you...

related: Do we look like the kind of store that sells “I just called to say I love you”?

Tags: a little patronizing · Calgary · retail hell · San Diego

Coffee, mate?

April 7th, 2010 · 72 Comments

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

Not Community Property

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

To the person or persons who continue to consume my Coffee-Mate coffee creamer in spite of my name being clearly marked on the container: PLEASE STOP!!!!

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Dear Coffee Creamer Thief,  What part of DO NOT TOUCH don't you understand? This is NOT your creamer and I know you didn't ask me if you could have some. Get your own coffee creamer! >:( Querido Ladron de Crema! Que parte de NO TOCAR no entiende? Esta no es su crema y yo seque usted no me pregunto si podia tomasla. Compre tu propia crema para cafe!

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

BREAST MILK. Drink at your own risk. : /

URINE sample for my parole officer. Don't Touch.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Tags: California · coffee · New York · Northern Virginia · office fridge · Orlando · piss · stealing · Texas

Ford Motor Company’s interesting new guerilla marketing campaign

April 6th, 2010 · 66 Comments

Who needs a “Powertrain warranty”? According to this Connecticut notewriter, if you buy a Ford, you get a lifetime worth of diplomat-worthy parking privileges!

Inconsiderate Driver,  You drive a piece of shit CHEVY that doesn't even deserve one parking spot, let alone two. It would be greatly appreciated if you only took up one parking spot, or simply bought a FORD b/c Chevys suck. Thanks :)

Confession: I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 27. I am a terrible parker. (I am slow, but I try.) If only I had bought a Ford!

related: The Mini Cooper owner’s dilemma — “Save the earth, kill the kids?!

extra credit: “Chevy” [urbandictionary.com]

Tags: car · Connecticut · parking · smiley · unsolicited feedback

Truly (worth) discussing

April 6th, 2010 · 125 Comments

Alejandro found this note posted in the men’s toilet of his Santa Monica office building. “All I know is the guy that does this also uses half a roll of TP,” Alejandro says, “so he’s disgusting AND he hates the environment.”

Who ever the guy is that uses this toilet daily and leaves it a mess everyday. Please use the toilet at your house and mess it up. Nobody wants to use this toilet after you shit here. I can imagine what your bathroom looks like at home. The other option would be to have your asshole surgically repositioned so your shit drops straight down like everybody else. If nobody had told you yet, you're a pig, somebody who is truly discussing, and are not fit to use a public toilet. Didn't your mother teach you any manners as a young little pig? At the very least have pity the poor guy who has to scrape and clean your shit off the rim of the toilet daily. When you walk a dog your required to pick up its shit, maybe think of yourself as a filthy mutt, and clean up after your self. God help you when we find out who you are!

UPDATE: Yes, it’s true: women’s toilets are often left in just as “discussing” a state as the one above. As Amanda in Austin recounts: “Somebody at my work had a terribly disgusting accident in the restroom that they did not clean up, and the custodians weren’t too happy. Neither were all the other women in the building. (And though it took place in the handicap-accessible stall, as far as we know, nobody in the building is disabled.)” A trifling matter? I think not.

To the nasty, trifling, inconsiderate inappropriate female, who soiled the handicap accessible bathroom, you should be ashame of yourself. You obviously had an accident, you should at least clean up after yourself as much as possible. It's a shame and a disgrace that the male housekeeper should see such filth from a female! It would be very much appreciated if you would have respect for the bathroom accommodations. Shame on you!!!!!

related: the most disgusting thing

Tags: Austin · California · CAPS LOCK · disgruntled janitor · office · shit · spelling and grammar police · that's disgusting · toilet

And seriously, FYI you guys

April 5th, 2010 · 96 Comments

This note was spotted by Sara at the downtown Alamo Cinema Drafthouse in Austin, seemingly written by an employee channeling Amy Poehler’s character in Wet Hot American Summer.

Hey guys, listen up! There is [sic] way too many memos being posted around here lately, irregardless of what they may say. Let's all do our part to minimize clutter on the wall. Seriously, no biggie, just you know...

Seriously guys, amirite?!?

related: Now finish up them taters, I’m gonna go fondle my sweaters

Tags: Austin · CAPS LOCK · fed-up librarian · irregardless · meta · now that's management · spelling and grammar police

And Jesus said: “Duhhh”

April 4th, 2010 · 118 Comments

Just one more special Easter note for you, kids. (Then I’m off to the drugstore to see if I can score any half-price Cadbury Mini Eggs.)

This one comes from Ray in Mount Vernon, Ohio, who said it was left on his wife’s windshield a while back, in response to a bumper sticker on her car that reads “What Would Buddha Do?”

Budda can't Do any-thing. He is still in the grave. Jesus rose from the grave. He is alive. Duhhh

Alrighty then. Back to your pagan traditions!

related: but He took the wheel

Tags: car · Ohio · unsolicited feedback

(use side door)

April 2nd, 2010 · 68 Comments

Ready for Easter, Christians of the world? Well, we’ve just got a bit of Holy Week housekeeping to take care of first.

ATTENTION - ALTAR GUILD  Please pour unused wine on ground outside (use side door). Pastor has requested that it be disposed of in this manner, because it is the consecrated blood of Jesus Christ. IT SHOULD NOT BE POURED IN THE SINK.

We will be opening at 2:00pm on... Sundays!!! (Go to church.) Thanks, Mama Kim

And a Good Friday to you!

related: The Easter Bunny is so passive-aggressive

Tags: Jesus