The mystery of the bum-scratching bike thief

May 4th, 2010 · 58 comments

I’d like to imagine that this note, spotted by Michael in Sydney, Australia…

To whoever stole Susan's bicycle may you get a seriously itchy bum

And this note, documented by Ron in Michigan…

LADY ON BIKE SHAME ON YOU

…are both connected by one shamelessly bum-scratching female bicyclist.

related: Failed strategies in bicycle theft deterrence

FILED UNDER: bicycle · CAPS LOCK · stealing · WTF?


58 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Parched

    itchy bums can be caused by worms.. which also make you hungry.. and sometimes, make you FIRSTY!

    May 4, 2010 at 7:18 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Jonathan

      Well played, Clerks.

      May 4, 2010 at 7:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   oi bang

    and here we go again..
    whomever or whoever?

    May 4, 2010 at 7:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   park rose

      oi, you thought the swastika conversation opened a can of worms. If you get into the whomever or whoever debate, you ain’t got no-one to blame but yourself.

      May 4, 2010 at 7:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   oi bang

      shhh rose. I am trying to lure in grammar Nazis. :cool:

      May 4, 2010 at 7:58 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Be vewwy, vewwy quiet….

      May 5, 2010 at 12:36 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   mamason bang

      Grammar nazi’s use swastikas to punctuate.

      May 5, 2010 at 11:40 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   infant tyrone bang

      Totus Ave ad Ablativum Absolutum !!

      Ach, sorry, I sought dere waz a memo about Latin Grammar Nazis, but now zat I read more closely it just says “letting in grammar Nazis”.

      Ut vos erant, zen.
      Felix Venatio !

      May 5, 2010 at 11:53 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Jonah

      I’m thoroughly lured! Anyway, “whoever” is correct. There is no debate over this.

      May 5, 2010 at 5:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   infant tyrone bang

      In this case, I am 99.999% sure Jonah is correct about “whoever”.

      Yes, there is no debate…
      just trench warfare with stuff being lobbed from one side to the other,
      with both sides thinking they are correct, but usually with only one side knowing why they are right and able to provide instructive examples.

      It is frustrating to note that in the age-old “To Whom It May Concern” that “whom” is correct (Oh, sorry…standard, rules-based, and back-compatible with all previous versions of the software), even though they both follow that tricky little “To” and are both elements in a full-blown clause.
      But that must be why those grammarians get the big bucks…

      May 5, 2010 at 6:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   oi bang

    I am perplexed by the note writer’s method of identifying the bike. Susan’s bike? and not pink bike w/blue rack or something.
    Is bike an euphemism for something nasty? or are Susan and her itchy bum world famous?

    May 4, 2010 at 7:37 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   park rose bang

      oi, maybe you don’t want to know. True, though, being the town bike would explain the itchy bum, though I don’t know if you can catch STDs through bicycle seats.

      May 4, 2010 at 7:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   ddddddw

      sure you can, just like from toilet seats and virgins can get pregnant in hot tubs!

      May 4, 2010 at 10:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   jaywalke

      Susan likes to give rides to a lot of people. She’s a giver . . . a carrier, you might say.

      May 5, 2010 at 6:53 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   mamason bang

      Susan can be seen on any given night pedaling her “wares”.

      May 5, 2010 at 11:44 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   infant tyrone bang

      Yeah, that Susan’s a carrier all right.
      The thief is thankful it wasn’t Mary’s bike they stole, though.
      Otherwise, they might be cooking up a nasty case of typhoid fever.

      May 5, 2010 at 12:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Escape Goat

    Susan speaks in the 3rd person. Susan loved her bike. Susan knows homeless men with poison ivy.

    May 4, 2010 at 8:05 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Dagny

    The author was implying that Susan’s bum is rather quite itchy, and that whatever contagion she is suffering from is catching.

    Poor Susan.

    May 4, 2010 at 8:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose bang

      Speckle-breasted song thrushes are always a joy to see in the garden, and part of the reason these shy birds are so popular with garden birdwatchers is the delightful music they offer.

      She really should lay off the yeast products.

      May 4, 2010 at 8:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Xenobiologista

      Maybe it’s crabs? (pubic lice)

      May 4, 2010 at 8:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   park rose

      Can’t trust those crustaceans. Just ask Claw.

      May 4, 2010 at 8:26 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   ddddddw

    am i the only one wondering…what’s the matter with Susan’s bum? And is this information that she would put out or maybe someone else knows firsthand that Susan’s “Itchy Bum” is catchy?

    May 4, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Canthz_B bang

      Beats me what condition Susan may be suffering in the bum area, but I sure hope she gets treatment soon because now she’s using public transportation!

      May 5, 2010 at 12:42 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      First time I read that, CB, I thought you said “pubic” transportation… which may be just as accurate.

      May 5, 2010 at 1:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Canthz_B bang

      WotV, “pubic transportation” requires a rocket engine.

      May 5, 2010 at 11:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   gladystopia

    “May you get a seriously itchy bum”?

    How does Susan know my former roomie?

    May 4, 2010 at 11:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Ladies on bikes will forever have shame heaped upon them…at least until the side-saddle pedaled bike is perfected.

    May 5, 2010 at 12:36 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   park rose bang

      To the tune of Lady Madonna, and a mash up of notes one and two. Verse 1:

      Lady Godiva,
      Pedals at your feet,
      I wonder how you managed to
      infect the seat. . .

      next . . . ?
      (PS: I think she breastfed in public:

      Lady Godiva, baby at your breast.
      Wonder how you manage to feed the rest.

      Shame, lady, shame.)

      May 5, 2010 at 1:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Meesh

      Oh no, rose, now we have to have breastfeeding debate too!

      May 5, 2010 at 7:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      Eskimos make great wet-nurses.
      You can keep them in the office fridge.

      May 5, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   TheOldSchool bang

    Yesterday, it was her panties. Today, it’s her bike.

    Neither of them were stolen.

    Susan’s a lot like my grandmother: just another drunken, accusatory slut who blacks out and forgets where she leaves things.

    Tomorrow, there’ll likely be a sign about her stolen false teeth.

    May 5, 2010 at 2:14 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Blogmella bang

    The sign in Michigan is sending out mixed messages – the person it is aimed at deserves to feel “shame”, yet she is still a “lady”.

    May 5, 2010 at 2:35 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Woman on the Verge bang

    That first one sounds like a Jewish curse.. “May you never be alone in bed: you should always have crabs.”

    May 5, 2010 at 8:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Sam S

    Itchy bum + shotgun = a bad day

    May 5, 2010 at 9:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   park rose

      A trigger happy day?

      May 5, 2010 at 1:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   mamason bang

      Stinky trigger finger?

      May 5, 2010 at 1:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Mo®

      Bang bang shoot shoot…

      May 5, 2010 at 1:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   park rose bang

      A stinky finger might have triggered happiness.

      May 5, 2010 at 2:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   H for Toy bang

      Mo! I am thumbing you because I haven’t seen you in a while! :)

      May 5, 2010 at 2:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   Mo® bang

      And a warm gun.

      ♥ H for Toy ♥

      May 5, 2010 at 3:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   mamason bang

    Confucius say: She who ride bike with itchy bum, is most likely on her way to pharmacy. :mrgreen:

    May 5, 2010 at 11:53 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   infant tyrone bang

      So, is the whole hexagram on one cheek ?
      Or is it three lines on each ?
      Which side gets top billing ?
      This I-Ching stuff gives me a yen 4 yen…
      I’d love to be inscrutable, but there’s this itch…

      May 5, 2010 at 12:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   mamason bang

    OMG! WTF did the lady on the bike do that she should be ashamed? This is gonna drive me crazy! 8-O

    May 5, 2010 at 1:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   park rose bang

      I think she pulled a sword from a lake and gave it to a young lad.
      Or in the modern day version, pulled a spoke from her wheel and gave it to a young dude. He then went on to slay dragons, or something.

      May 5, 2010 at 1:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   mamason bang

    There’s a seriously itchy bum who sleeps in the doorway to my office building.

    May 5, 2010 at 1:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Mo®

      Mama!!! ♥ :lol:

      May 5, 2010 at 1:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   mamason bang

      Mo!!! ♥ :-)

      May 5, 2010 at 2:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Mace Elaine

    The second guy totally misspelled Shamon Yu’s name. Poor guy gets that a lot. Too much coke in the bathroom.

    May 5, 2010 at 1:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Grumpy McGrumperson bang

    That first note is an inspiration, truly…

    The next time I feel the need to cuss someone on the subway for body slamming me, I think using “May you get a seriously itchy bum!” (spoken in dulcet tones, of course) will make my day that much better.

    After all, you can only use, “what the hell?! goddamned dog fucker!” so many times before it loses it charm, really.

    May 5, 2010 at 2:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Lady May

      I was drawn in by the name, but stayed for the goddamned dog fuckers!

      May 5, 2010 at 8:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Max Time bang

      corndog fuckers!

      May 13, 2010 at 9:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Mo® bang

    See Susan ride her bicycle.
    Ride Susan ride!
    See Susan scratch her bum.
    Scratch Susan scratch!
    See Susan get arrested for riding her bicycle naked and vigorously “scratching” her nether regions in public.

    May 5, 2010 at 3:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Is that the trailer for next week’s COPS?

      May 5, 2010 at 3:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Mo® bang

      Campus PD!

      May 5, 2010 at 4:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Mo® bang

    Was this perhaps a bicycle built for two? I would just call it even and be grateful to be rid of the louse bum. He never pedaled anyway!

    May 5, 2010 at 4:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   wurdnurd

    There once was a bum named Itchy,
    whose cardboard home was quite kitschy.
    When sober she’s serious,
    well liquored delerious.
    And on Sue’s seatless bike did find shame.

    May 6, 2010 at 9:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   El Jefe

    The crossed-out letter clearly looks like an ‘R’ to me. I’m surprised that given the guttersnipe tendencies of folks here they haven’t realized the salaciousness of a “LADY ON BIKER” situation.

    Boy, how about some spacing between words too? Otherwise, are we discussing an elementary particle, the ladyon?

    May 10, 2010 at 11:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Max Time bang

    “may your bum get a bloody hemroid”

    May 13, 2010 at 9:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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