Every day, you watch them, in horror: Those vile, germ-laden, nether-region-wiping creatures who don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Confronting the offenders directly wouldn’t work, because, well, you’re passive-aggressive, and that’s just not how you roll. So what to do next?
Well, you could dazzle them with some accusatory statistics…
…or attempt to appeal to the altruists in the audience.
And maybe try to lure in the sports fans with the promise of some fun trivia!
If they see through that little scheme, you could try patronizing your patrons outright…
…or just straight-up treat them like four-year-olds. (“Did you wash your hands?” “Yes.” “DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?” “I said yes!!!”)
Perhaps even a dash of reverse psychology?
Of course, those less-straightforward techniques just might just backfire on you. In that case, you could play the bully with THE CLIP ART THAT MUST BE STOPPED.
Or, if your clip-art collection is a bit larger…release the dragon!
Not scary enough? Maybe it’s time to bust out the F word.
Or the even scarier F-word: FECAL-ORAL.
And if that still doesn’t work? Well, I guess you’ll just have to flounce away, invest in some latex gloves, and vow to hold it ’til you get home.
(Thanks to Jen in Houston, Jenni in Spokane, Marley in Pittsburgh, Lindsey in Memphis, Laura in Richmond, and the many anonymous submitters for their contributions.)
related: Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance
extra credit: “On Washing Hands,” by Atul Gawande
extra extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Hand Soap
139 responses so far ↓
#1
boop de woop
its even in papyrus.
May 13, 2010 at 7:22 pm rating: 3
#2
beth
I do wash my hands after I “use the facilities” mostly because everything in women’s bathrooms look shady, (like drippies on the toilet seat, nasty shiz on the floor, ugh) but now, after reading all this shame and blame, I DON’T WANT TO!!! I might just poo on the floor and call it a day!
May 13, 2010 at 7:31 pm rating: 15
#3
Astounder
I would like to see a round-up of signs asking people to not talk on their phones while in the bathroom.
May 13, 2010 at 7:44 pm rating: 19
#4
Escape Goat
I wash my balls in the sink … with my hands … does that count?
May 13, 2010 at 8:09 pm rating: 28
#5
veritybrown
I’m afraid I’m on team hand-washing. I don’t understand how people can use the restroom and then NOT wash their hands, just for their own sake.
May 13, 2010 at 8:12 pm rating: 15
#6
Chicken Underwear
OK, I wake up, take a shower and put my pants on.
Then I take the subway to work.
When I get to work I wash my hand before I pee. My penis has been in my nice clean underwear all morning, my hands have been in all sorts of places.
I don’t wash my hands again unless I pee on them. That does not happen too much.
May 13, 2010 at 8:30 pm rating: 14
#7
Nack
My son had pinworms from the lack of this, five times in a row. That’s right, five times.
Wash your hands. Or Godzilla will destroy your city.
Or worse, your kid will have worms, just like a cat.
May 13, 2010 at 8:39 pm rating: 15
#8
Bunnee
I think Jimmy the Germ is kinda’ cute!
Too bad he has to DIE!
May 13, 2010 at 8:43 pm rating: 18
#9
farcical aquatic ceremony
yuck yuck yuck yuck yuckyuckyuckyuckYUCK
America’s Got Poopyhands!
May 13, 2010 at 9:00 pm rating: 8
#10
harmonicpies
Which are the 0.001% of germs that Clorox hand sanitizer doesn’t kill? The H1N1 virus?
May 13, 2010 at 9:18 pm rating: 1
#11
Andy Lester
http://www.flickr.com/photos/petdance/265413429/
May 13, 2010 at 9:21 pm rating: 1
#12
shwonline
Worst thing I’ve seen in our company bathroom recently: Guy walks out of a stall, goes straight to the sink, fills his cupped hands with water and splashes it on his face. Note that I didn’t say he washed his hands and then splashed water on his face. No. He basically rubbed the diluted remnants of whatever he did in the stall onto his face. But I guess that’s OK unless I’m a germaphobe, right?
May 13, 2010 at 9:26 pm rating: 15
#13
Melissa B
whenever someone doesnt wash thier hands after being in a stall i have to calm myself down by talking to myself and saying “maybe they didnt use the actual toilet… maybe they just changed… yeah thats it… they changed…” I have to do that just to keep my sanity… or yeah… maybe doing that defeats the purpose.
May 13, 2010 at 9:49 pm rating: 5
#14
ho
Hand sanitizers, in addition to destroying sympathetic bacteria, reduce a population’s tolerance to pathogens. This has been restated time and again.
May 13, 2010 at 9:53 pm rating: 5
#15
G
There are people who argue against hand-washing, and say “just don’t stick your hands anywhere nasty.”
This is horrifying and makes me want to label them all so I know to stay far away. I think they need some kind of DIDN’T WASH HANDS tattoo on their foreheads.
May 13, 2010 at 9:58 pm rating: 10
#16
Jennifer
That’s not a dragon. That’s Godzilla. Just had to point out that since I’ve been a G fan since I was 8 years old.
And he will totally stomp your city if you do not wash your hands. >:D
May 13, 2010 at 10:17 pm rating: 12
#17
Canthz_B
I have a fecal-oral disease…I’m always talking shit.
May 13, 2010 at 10:36 pm rating: 27
#18
Hill
These make me think of Leland Palmer saying, “WASH YOUR HANDS, Laura!”
May 13, 2010 at 11:15 pm rating: 2
#19
Canthz_B
Hand washing is a must.
Equally important is washing the mist off of the restroom attendant after you flush.
It takes a little longer, but it’s cheaper than leaving a tip.
May 13, 2010 at 11:37 pm rating: 5
#20
Canthz_B
In Soviet Russia hands wash you!…wait…never mind.
May 13, 2010 at 11:42 pm rating: 6
#21
DBo
OK, even if you don’t get anything on yourself when you are going to the bathroom, do you think every other person on the planet is as clean as you are? No one picked his nose before opening the door, etc.? You have to wash and yes, leave the room with a papertowel to touch the knob (you can throw it out at the next can you go by).
BTW, there is a study that showed huge amounts of fecal residue on bottles of ketchup, salt and pepper in restaurants – wonder how THAT got there?
(You can’t SEE germs!)
May 13, 2010 at 11:48 pm rating: 7
#22
OhLaDiDa
I like Jimmy the Germ. What a cute guy!
May 14, 2010 at 2:13 am rating: 3
#23
Chicken Underwear
And who the HELL is taking all these photos in the bathroom. If I walk into the bathroom and see someone with their camera out, there is gonna be a real problem.
May 14, 2010 at 5:58 am rating: 2
#24
Innana
In our bathroom, we have a set of illustrated instructions on how to wash our hands.
Patronizing as hell.
May 14, 2010 at 7:10 am rating: 1
#25
Splint Chesthair
I don’t wash my hands in public or work restrooms, period. I’m regular like a train schedule so I only need them for #1 and I can do everything with feet or elbows. I don’t touch anything in them. I also make a conscious effort not to stick my fingers near my face and make sure I hand sanitize before I eat. Problem solved. It’s not necessary to wash your hands after using the bathroom.
May 14, 2010 at 7:10 am rating: 1
#26
Woman on the Verge
Okay, people. Listen up. I don’t care who you are or how “clean” you think you are. It’s people like you who make people like me want to walk around in a biohazard suit. Wash your damn hands. Please. I’m pretty sure they’re dirty.
May 14, 2010 at 7:51 am rating: 10
#27
Beppo
It makes me think of that scene from “Fire Walk With Me” where Ray Wise is all, “Oh, I’ll sit down alright, but not a one of us is going to start eating until Laura washes her hands. Wash your hands!
May 14, 2010 at 8:09 am rating: 1
#28
Jimmy the Germ
Please…I have a spouse and 453,442 children. I can’t help being born a germ. This is genocide! When you wash your hands, you’re washing with HITLER!
May 14, 2010 at 8:28 am rating: 22
#29
Edwina the Defrocked Nun
Okay this occurred at work. Sign on restroom doors: It’s flu season so wash your hands after you use the toilet. Huh? It’s things like hepatitis that are spread by not washing after toileting. Flu comes from coughing and wiping your nose and such. Flu is not directly related to bathrooms.
Led to a lively lunchroom discussion one day…
May 14, 2010 at 8:46 am rating: 3
#30
The Elf
When I hear “fecal-oral” I don’t think “hepititis and pinworms”. I think “that’s an odd fetish”.
May 14, 2010 at 8:50 am rating: 8
#31
Cady
I read the 8th sign as “Excuse me, but could you Godzilla?”
May 14, 2010 at 12:23 pm rating: 6
#32
Max Time
godzilla should wash his hands…
May 14, 2010 at 12:46 pm rating: 2
#33
oi
Did you or did you NOT wash your hands?
May 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm rating: 2
#34
Mace Elaine
This makes me so, so glad I work in a lab. We’re trained to wash our hands every time we take off a pair of gloves, so maybe our hands are cleaner than most?
Or maybe I should just take gloves with me to the bathroom.
May 14, 2010 at 3:31 pm rating: 3
#35
Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)
Hmm, my hands are out there touching door knobs, faucets and all kinds of things, while my penis is safely tucked into my pants all day, clean as a whistle.
The hands are a lost cause, but my new policy is going to be to wash off my penis after using the public toilet.
May 14, 2010 at 6:22 pm rating: 2
#36
Muse
The penis is not clean after it’s been jostling around in your underpants for several hours or more. The perinium region (roughly, the area between your legs and buttocks) is naturally contaminated by bacteria, including e. coli. It’s true that a man’s urine is sterile if he isn’t ill, but only if the urine is collected in a sterile container without touching the penis or the skin around it. Sorry, but yo mama wuz right — you should wash your hands after every use of the bathroom, both #1 and #2. On the other hand, I’ve used restrooms that looked so vile, I figured I was staying cleaner by not touching the facilities. So it just depends. But in a reasonably clean restroom, washing the hands is best. And if you have to turn off the faucet manually, you can use a paper towel, and use the same towel to open the door. Toss the used paper towel in the first trash receptacle you see. Then you’ll be part of Team Wash ‘Em! Yay!
May 14, 2010 at 7:34 pm rating: 6
#37
Ashley
-shifty eyes-
I live in Spokane and have never once seen any of these signs!
..But then again, I don’t get out of the house all to often..
May 14, 2010 at 9:51 pm rating: 1
#38
catburglar
Oh, why wash your hands when you can use up a quarter-acre of rainforest or at least old growth instead? Why, how many times have I been in a stall only to hear the piss-phobic person in the stall next door creating a toilet paper mitt with at least three inches of “protection” all around before she ventures to touch her nether regions? After the five minutes of effort it requires to make a piss-proof, completely liquid-impervious shield of paper product between one’s self and the possible contamination pending from one’s unmentionables, how can a wash possibly be necessary? You don’t want to spend time on redundancies, after all!
May 14, 2010 at 9:55 pm rating: 4
#39
Canthz_B
As community service options go, I’d take hand-washing over poking roadside trash with a sharp stick any day.
May 15, 2010 at 12:58 am rating: 0
#40
froggyalley
but you put your hiney on the fitlhy seat which everyone else has shed skin cells and body dirt and dribbled bodily fluids…pull your pants up and sit in it all day…plus if you don’t shower and change when nyou get home, you drag it all over your environs. Doorhandles are the least of the problem.
May 15, 2010 at 8:16 am rating: 0
#41
Canthz_B
New idea:
Restrooms with separate entrance and exit doors.
Between the outside doors and inside doors would be a clean-room shower.
Simply strip down to your birthday suit and shower before entering, do your “business”, wash your hands under the supervision of the restroom Nazis (sorry Godwin), and shower (picking up your freshly laundered clothes) on the way out into a germ-free world.
What could be safer?
Ahhh-CHOOO!!!…sorry about that…
May 15, 2010 at 12:30 pm rating: 7
#42
player4u
Always wash your hands after masturbating!!!
May 15, 2010 at 7:49 pm rating: 0
#43
Chicken Underwear
Most of these comments have been passive-aggressive.
GREAT!
May 17, 2010 at 5:27 am rating: 2
#44
Max Time
the germ guy reminds me of the planters peanut guy
May 17, 2010 at 8:35 am rating: 0
#45
Jen
What if you washed your hands before the act? Do you have to wash your hands if you did not wipe or touch anything?
May 20, 2010 at 9:54 pm rating: 0
#46 The office sink pissing contest | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] At this point, she says, “It’s getting a little awkward. I’m not in any of these departments — I just want to wash my hands.” [...]
Jan 23, 2011 at 10:36 am rating: 0
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