And your mosaic sucks

May 19th, 2010 · 77 comments

Anybody else in the mood for a no-holds-barred, batshit-crazy tirade? ’Cause I sure am! Pretty much the only thing remotely “passive” about this message — which Jared in Seattle found taped to the front entrance of his share house  — is the fact that it was delivered by note, rather than say, by fist.

The note writer takes a little while here to build up steam, but manages to get in at least one solidly below-the-belt jab before spiraling into a CAPS LOCK-induced rage blackout.

related: Worst secret admirer ever?

FILED UNDER: fuck fuckity fuck fuck · money · sarcasm · Seattle · spelling and grammar police · thanks (but not really) · WTF?


77 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mama24

    Wow, maybe she wouldn’t give him another hand job and he got upset.

    May 19, 2010 at 9:51 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Tikikala

    And Comic Sans is better, Arial person

    May 19, 2010 at 9:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Hmmm

      Mama,
      I think the writer is female. Just sayin’

      May 20, 2010 at 9:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   aaa bang

      a) HOLY GIGGLEBRAX FAILURE, BATMAN! (I had to say it. :O )
      b) I can see them being either male or female.

      May 20, 2010 at 10:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   mamason bang

      Hmmm, No way. If the letter was written by a woman, it would be hand written and there would be pink penii, floral stationery and smiley faces. Just sayin’ too. ;-)

      May 20, 2010 at 6:30 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      Penii? Like, as in, peenors?

      May 25, 2010 at 10:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Kirl

    There’s a lot to be said for finished hand jobs, though.

    May 19, 2010 at 9:58 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Jonathan

      A lot to be said for the ones that take forever to finish, too. Not so much tile jobs unless it’s a hand job onto the tile.

      May 20, 2010 at 12:37 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   mamason bang

    Roseann: WTF is this about handjobs? :evil:

    Note writer: Seriously honey. It’s just a figure of speech. Nothing happened. :oops:

    Moral: Friends don’t let friends rage and write.

    May 19, 2010 at 10:05 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   youidiots!

      Maybe you had every reason to be angry, but did you remember that you left that note where a kid could see it potentially? I’m on the outside of this but do know the kid who potentially got hurt. Badly done. and badly done on the neighbor who posted it. Think outside of yourselves folks.

      May 20, 2010 at 11:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      A handjob could be many things. Maybe Stacy is an orthopedic surgeon, did you ever think about that? Maybe that’s her “hand job”!

      May 25, 2010 at 10:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   crumplet

    How many handjobs they’ll need to settle this?

    May 19, 2010 at 10:06 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   LittleSprout bang

    kinda makes you wonder who RECEIVED said hand jobs, doesn’t it?

    May 19, 2010 at 10:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Denny DelVecchio

    Easy there…the humble paragraph is your friend.

    Actually, probably not.

    May 19, 2010 at 10:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Zoe

    Yes, how does he know about her finishing the hand jobs?

    I do love how he starts with ‘Wow you’re awesome Stacy’ to end with ‘Fuck off!!’ Nicely progressed there in the note. Clip art and comic sans would’ve made it even better…but you can’t have everything I guess.

    May 19, 2010 at 10:28 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   FeRD bang

      Nope. Just shitty tile and hand jobs!

      May 19, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   dixiechick

    THANK YOU TERRY!

    It was that epic spiral of rage that did it.

    May 19, 2010 at 10:56 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Anonymous 13

    Love it, to be completely honest.

    May 19, 2010 at 11:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Pterosaur

    You’d think that if she finished the handjob, he wouldn’t be so cranky.

    May 19, 2010 at 11:17 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   FeRD bang

      Yeah… and if she finished the crankjob, why does he care if she’s handy?

      May 20, 2010 at 5:31 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Sheri

    This is why you don’t hire hookers for home improvement projects, kids. It’s $20 for a TOTALLY different type of caulk.

    May 19, 2010 at 11:25 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Spoken like a true pro, Sheri!

      Cold caulk may seem to get stiffer more quickly, but the harder it is, the more difficult it can be to release from the confines of the tube.

      If the tube is cold, you’ll satisfy your customer’s needs sooner if you simply immerse your hand (or his tube, if the client is willing) into a pot of warm water before you commence the job.

      May 20, 2010 at 12:06 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   infant tyrone bang

      TOS, I ♥ your practical analyses regarding these matters.
      In the lingo of decades-past: Dude, like totally tubular !

      Your take on the counter-intuitive relationship between the caulk’s temperature and thermoplasticity is so spot-on, the only thing keeping it from achieving the level of erudition we’d expect in a passage from a graduate-level Physical Chemistry textbook is the absence of a P-V-T chart.

      Your willingness to meet a difficult problem of description head-on reminds me of the scene where John Wayne saddles up and take the reins in his teeth in that Old West classic film, True Grout.

      May 20, 2010 at 2:16 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Canthz_B bang

      And that’s why I like a woman who greets me with a warm handshake.
      I know she has potential. :-P

      May 20, 2010 at 2:34 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Nack

    Dude, I want to be able to do a bad job, have people feel sorry for me, give great hand jobs and get a free car PLUS 3,000 dollars.

    This sounds like an awesome opportunity!

    May 19, 2010 at 11:54 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   debkatz

    Dude tried so hard to be restrained and kind of dryly sarcastic but his rage just seethed through the cage and he went for the sexual reference….wow…he had a total melt-down right there in print. But the reminder to never go to his home again…was that necessary? Would this person ever think, “Mmmm, it’s been six weeks now, old hand job guy probably has calmed down. I’ll see what’s up for dinner and if he changed his mind about my stellar mosaic!”

    May 20, 2010 at 12:25 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Whitelist

      Hi deb,

      Where are you from? id love to see you.

      Love,
      .

      May 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Chrys

    When did my ex move to Seattle?

    May 20, 2010 at 1:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   JetJackson

    I like handjobs.

    I can tile.

    Note writer pays Stacy. Stacy gives me hand job. I tile note writers floor.

    Like Hot Chocolate says… “Everyones a winner baby!”

    May 20, 2010 at 1:21 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   park rose bang

      Hey, Jet. Where have you been?

      May 20, 2010 at 2:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    I ♥ Stacy.

    Anyone who can complete a good hand job and create mosaics that give blow jobs is OK in my book.

    May 20, 2010 at 1:33 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   ashmeadow

    You know, I feel he really wants to be mad at Roseanne, but wants a hand-job from Stacy. The hate and desire just got mixed up in one note.

    May 20, 2010 at 3:02 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Rotreg

    What I don’t understand is why are they sticking it to Jared’s door? There must be a great back story. Who would give someone they “felt sorry for” $3000 dollars and a car to tile their floor?

    I don’t think Stacy is to blame completely.

    May 20, 2010 at 3:42 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   johnO

      I agree, there has to be an awesome sordid backstory to this!

      May 22, 2010 at 8:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Moto

    This note was written in Seattle a town that historically has had its share of happy ending massage establishments where aspiring bathroom tiling artists and genius waitresses are often employed. I think note writer is taking a leap of faith that since she has “held” this job for a long time that she must be finishing her handjobs.

    May 20, 2010 at 5:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Splint Chesthair

    I’m wondering what must have happened to lead to this letter, hopefully something awesome, but what if nothing happened. What if they note-writer just hired this person for a tile-job for 3 grand plus a car and then wasn’t happy with the results and the first response was to leave this note? That makes it even awesomer!

    May 20, 2010 at 6:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   tinkerbell2

      ’tile-job’? wow. specialist. and probably painful.

      May 20, 2010 at 6:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   anglophile bang

    Thanks for screwing us indeed. We needed that.

    May 20, 2010 at 8:09 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Whitelist

      You are welcome!

      May 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Woman on the Verge bang

    How does one squander 3000 dollars from someone? Steal, yes. Con, yes. But squander? Or is that code for fuck it out of someone?

    May 20, 2010 at 8:17 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Whitelist

      squandiesel–to lose (as an advantage or opportunity) through negligence or inaction

      May 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   aaa bang

    Soooo…. The note writer “knew what kind of person” Stacy was and still gave her a free car? Um, yeah, way to logic, dude.

    May 20, 2010 at 8:43 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Heather

    Free car? Jesus. I had to give, like, 10,000 hand jobs for mine…

    May 20, 2010 at 8:44 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   aaa bang

      Start giving blowjobs. They’re worth a lot more than handjobs.

      May 20, 2010 at 9:00 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   anglophile bang

      I think we need a payscale. 10,000 handjobs = 1,000 blowjobs = 100 buttsecks?

      May 20, 2010 at 9:02 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Splint Chesthair

      No way, blowjobs are worth a whole lot more than 10 handjobs. I can get a handjob from a nun.

      May 20, 2010 at 10:55 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      Really? Wow. They’re as bad as priests these days.

      May 20, 2010 at 12:14 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   Splint Chesthair

      Nah, they’ve both got pretty soft hands.

      May 20, 2010 at 12:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   Sam S

      You lie.

      You just gave 200 hand-jobs at the dealer, and then promised to give the rest over a three-year period.

      May 20, 2010 at 1:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.7   Splint Chesthair

      10,000 handjobs, given a generous average of 3 per day, would take over 9 years to finish. Congratulations, I’d like to shake your hand…er, just congratulations.

      May 20, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.8   Blogmella bang

      When did all this handjobs and blowjobs for cars thing start? My boyfriend must owe me a Monster Truck by now!

      May 20, 2010 at 1:28 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.9   Whitelist

      Yeah my ususal reward is a smile and a kiss on the cheek.. as well as the granted opportunity to GET ME A TOWEL OR SOMETHING, damn.

      May 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.10   Kimmypie

      Is suprise buttsecks worth more or less than 100?

      May 22, 2010 at 6:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Sam S

    I don’t know why – but I have visions of Michelangelo finding a similar note attached to his scaffolding during his painting of the Sistine Chapel. Maybe with more Latin.

    May 20, 2010 at 9:22 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Metah-4 Genome

      “and having that guy try to pull his finger was in bad taste Michel..come on.”

      May 20, 2010 at 6:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      “Manus negotium” would be the handjob part.

      May 25, 2010 at 12:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   oi bang

    I am waiting here patiently for “this is not passive aggressive, blogger does not know better” crowd. oh this drumming on desk, that’s not impatience, not at all.

    May 20, 2010 at 11:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   The Elf

      This isn’t passive-aggressive! The blogger doesn’t know any better!

      There, will you stop drumming already? It’s making me crazy.

      May 20, 2010 at 12:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   oi bang

    I am dying to know back story here. Stacy does not seem as bad as she is portrayed in the note.

    May 20, 2010 at 11:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well, oi, given the information we have…

      Stacey apparently is inept at leveling and tiling floors and gets $3000 and a car for hand jobs.

      May 20, 2010 at 1:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Escape Goat

      She got a Trek bike for a back rub. This girl’s gooood.

      May 20, 2010 at 5:11 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Vox bang

    Grown-ups are still giving handjobs?

    May 20, 2010 at 2:25 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Splint Chesthair

      When the tablecloths at the restaurants are long enough to reach the floor, what else can you do?

      May 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Dara

      Foot job?

      May 22, 2010 at 12:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      Ever since I saw the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode about Frank’s intervention, the word “handjob” has been permanently replaced in my vocabulary by the vernacular “handy”.

      May 25, 2010 at 12:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Cam

    Does anyone here know that “Stacy” is a man’s name as well?? Most likely the tile person is a dude named Stacy and the handjobs he’s known for finishing off, are his own ;)

    May 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   We will speak anon

      Stacy Keach?

      May 20, 2010 at 6:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   mamason bang

      Dude! That’s not spackle! 8-O

      May 20, 2010 at 6:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Whitelist

    I wish I had something interesting to say.

    May 20, 2010 at 4:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   mamason bang

      Me too. :-|

      May 20, 2010 at 6:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Escape Goat

    P.S. On second thought, how are you at blow jobs? Hook me up, Tile Wench. We’ll call it even.

    May 20, 2010 at 5:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   amy d bang

    Notewriter feels pretty strongly about Stacy.

    May 20, 2010 at 5:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Metah-4 Genome

    Hold on…did he just say she gave him a handjob once?

    And what does Roseann have to say about THAT…? whoa!

    May 20, 2010 at 5:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   momly

    We don’t get to see the mosaic? Durn.

    May 21, 2010 at 8:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Cynthia

    If you give a good handjob I would think guys may give u a free car without having to touch the tile…

    May 21, 2010 at 11:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Xenobiologista

    If the dude wants his money back small claims court would be a better bet than posting a ridiculous PAN that makes him look worse than Stacy.

    May 23, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   gant tinklethorpe

    OMG! i totally know all of these people and just realized it because theyre using all of their real names!
    I just made my own internet history.
    Bwahahahahahhahahahaaaaa…

    Jun 17, 2010 at 9:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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