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A supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again

May 23rd, 2010 · 89 comments

Jessica from Halifax was perusing the comment board of a small restaurant on Salt Spring Island, B.C. when she  spotted this tasty tale of shellfish-related woe.

Food was great!! But, I got six prawns, and she only got two. She demanded two off of my plate. I didn't like her attitude, so I said no. She said

Meanwhile, Charlie found this scary story (and the impressively deadpan response) pinned to the comment board at the River Street Whole Foods in Cambridge, Mass.

Love this Whole Foods, best in Boston. However, the carrots are too pointy and long. It's intimidating. Can you shorten them and make them less scary?

related: The EGG SALAD BAN

FILED UNDER: Boston · British Columbia · faint praise · food · restaurant · thanks (but not really) · Too good to be real?

89 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Paige

    I understand the second note-writer’s fear. I was bitten by one as a small child, and I haven’t been able to be around them since. Terrifying little critters.

    Oh wait, “carrots,” not “ferrets.” My bad.

    May 23, 2010 at 8:02 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Stinky bang

      I was once bitten by a small child. I don’t like to be around them either.

      May 23, 2010 at 8:36 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   infanttyrone

      I’d be more afraid of a garrote than a carrot,
      but then skinny wire has never been my pianoforte.

      The only Orange to fear is the kind sprayed from planes…
      For details, just read The Physics of Dow.

      May 23, 2010 at 9:10 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   TheOldSchool bang

      Whole Foods is ignoring carrot eaters, like me, who enjoy the soft succulence of the babies, but who also savor the richness and full-bodied flavors that come from the more fully mature variety.

      Where is Whole Foods sticking its teenaged and twenty-something carrots?

      May 24, 2010 at 1:43 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   infanttyrone

      On average, somewhere tween the means of productione and aisle two ?

      May 24, 2010 at 3:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   mamason bang

      I want to know where the big, fat carrots are. Girth is everything!

      May 24, 2010 at 2:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #2   Alex

    I had a friend in college who was phobic of any sort of pointy rod shape. He couldn’t stand it if you pointed a fork or even your finger near his face. I’m sure carrots would have been included in that category.

    May 23, 2010 at 8:12 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Meredith

      Freud would have a field day with that guy.

      May 24, 2010 at 12:03 am   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   cb

      I don’t have a carrot phobia but I think not a few people would find it annoying that you pointed your finger or fork in their faces… ;-P

      May 24, 2010 at 2:45 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Canthz_B bang

      Defending yourself against that guy would be easy…14 carrots would be gold!

      May 24, 2010 at 3:27 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   farcical aquatic ceremony

      @2.1 sounds like a bunch of men with penetrating *ahem*intellects ALREADY had a field day with that poor guy

      May 24, 2010 at 8:31 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      Yeah, I’m afraid of pointy rods, too.

      May 24, 2010 at 11:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #3   Ethrdg

    You’ll find the bags of short rounded baby carrots in the case at the front of the story–right next to the copyright page and table of contents.

    May 23, 2010 at 8:19 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   yay

      i was waiting for the story comment!! Thx :)

      May 24, 2010 at 7:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   bored at work

      Shouldn’t that be — right next to the cop-pea-right page and the table of corn-tents? Sorry, somebody had to go there….

      May 24, 2010 at 2:42 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #4   Bunnee

    I should be so lucky to be “intimidated” by a long, pointy carrot.

    My zucchini has seen better days…

    May 23, 2010 at 8:24 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #5   Stinky bang

    I’d like to see more bifurcated carrots.

    May 23, 2010 at 8:39 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose bang

      Stinky, I too would like to see more lubricated bifurcated, long, pointy carrots . . .

      May 24, 2010 at 12:58 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   infanttyrone

      Nothing to the rumours of bifurcative curiousity then ?

      May 24, 2010 at 3:13 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #6   R

    second note: some kind of antimatter version of Stephen Colbert.

    May 23, 2010 at 8:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   infanttyrone

    Dear Hompeless,

    So, you lost your great B&B deal over a couple of tasty prawns ?

    I’m sure we’d all love to sing and mourn for you, but the gypsy violinist is off today, headlining an Einstein memorial with Bob Dylan…

    Next time you’re in the market for a romantic dinner involving prawns, try a Chinese buffet…no sharing gene or minimum IQ required.

    If you’re into the whole competing for dinner scene, you could just wait outside the restaurant’s back door and go at it with your alley-mates to see who gets the most and biggest shrimps. That’d be your front door…

    May 23, 2010 at 8:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #8   Melissa B

    This Prawn shortage is serious business.


    we need to stick together at times like this, Brother.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:32 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Kate the Great

      It’s “losing,” not “loosing.”

      May 23, 2010 at 9:36 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Melissa B

      thanks brother! <3

      May 23, 2010 at 9:38 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   sleeps

      Maybe she meant people are loosing their homes on their enemies. You can’t beat a good attack house. Ever read House of Leaves?

      May 23, 2010 at 10:41 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   park rose bang

      I wandered down to bowel territory. I was thinking it must be paneful.

      May 24, 2010 at 1:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   infanttyrone

      I was thinking of deconstructing the hacienda jokes, but then I realized that any success would only leave me joist on my own petard.

      May 24, 2010 at 3:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.6   Canthz_B bang

      My house is loose…she’s always coming on to double-wides.

      Last spring she gave me a bouncing, baby guest house!

      May 24, 2010 at 3:35 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #8.7   bored at work

      8.1 If you’re going to take the time to correct grammar, please correct spelling as well. It’s not ‘THIER’, it’s ‘THEIR’.

      By the way, if the prawns turned out to be bad, the caption would read


      May 24, 2010 at 10:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.8   Frau Bubinga

      Let Loose the Krakenhaus.

      Aw it’s sick.

      May 24, 2010 at 12:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.9   SAP-er for life

      I say Frau, I do enjoy your play on the German language. Quite clever.

      May 24, 2010 at 6:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.10   Melissa B

      I suck at spelling, grammer and life? sheesh… </3 … Brother.

      May 24, 2010 at 11:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   meri

    “Homeless” from the first note counted the cost and found her lacking. If she wasn’t even worth two delicious prawns, it was never going to last anyway.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:50 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

      True, but if I were serious enough with someone to be living with them, and they were petty enough to end it over a couple of prawns, I’d be glad to be rid of her. Restaurant did you a favor, buddy. Make sure you tip big next time.

      May 23, 2010 at 10:44 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   anglophile bang

      Oh “Tex”, if that is your real name, don’t you see, the prawn selfishness is just the tip of the iceberg. This guy would take the last of the toilet paper and not get out a new roll. He always sits in the good seat when they watch tv. If there’s only one bowl of ice cream left in the container, he eats it all and doesn’t share. And it’s pretty obvious he’s the type that finishes quickly in bed, and makes her lie, frustratingly unfulfilled, in the wet spot.

      May 24, 2010 at 8:11 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   Penny

      I agree with you both- on the one hand not to spare a few prawns for your lover is pretty tight-fisted, on the other hand to kick you out of the house because you don’t give a prawn, that’s pretty jerky too. They both got what they deserved and oddly are better off for it!

      May 24, 2010 at 9:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   mamason bang


      May 24, 2010 at 2:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   Mo® bang

      Aw Mama you did it again!

      May 24, 2010 at 3:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   mamason bang

      Hey, Mo! ♥

      May 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   Mo® bang

      Hey girl! ♥

      May 24, 2010 at 4:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   another English teacher

      I’m with anglophile all the way. If I were out with even a casual friend at a restaurant, and I got six prawns while he got two, I’d give him two prawns without him even asking. And a lover — are you kidding me? If Homeless hogged all six prawns, he’s selfish in lots of other ways. This was just the prawn that broke the camel’s back. Team ex-girlfriend!

      May 27, 2010 at 11:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   Nack

    I’m betting the second writer has been attacked by “The Flaming Carrot”. His fear is natural, considering.

    Or… he was abused by Carrottop. Equally understandable.

    May 23, 2010 at 11:38 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      All of us who’ve ver seen him ‘perform’ have been abused by Carrot Top.

      May 24, 2010 at 8:39 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Lucy Ferr

      If you have even saw him in passing on TV you have been abused.

      I need an adult!

      May 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #11   Having Fitz

    Another relationship torn apart by a crippling prawn addiction…

    May 23, 2010 at 11:39 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #12   veritybrown

    Team-girlfriend! If a guy got six prawns and I only two, and he *refused* to share, I’d be pretty annoyed. I suspect that his own “attitude” in the past was what made the prawns the straw that broke the camel’s back. Enjoy your prawns in the gutter, dude!

    May 23, 2010 at 11:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Betch

      Wouldn’t it be more logical to at least ask the waiter to let the cook know that you are upset about the unequal number of prawns, rather than demanding that your significant other give you his? If it were my boyfriend that was missing a number of prawns, I’d be more than willing to offer some of mine, but if he ordered me to give some of mine up, I’d be pissed with his attitude too.

      That said, how melodramatic to blame their breakup on the restaurant. Team You All Suck.

      May 24, 2010 at 12:48 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   park rose bang

      Don’t know what note-writer one is complaining about. That’s what you get for being shellfish.

      May 24, 2010 at 1:02 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   farcical aquatic ceremony

      The heart IS the most important mussel to exercise!

      May 24, 2010 at 8:41 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #13   Zeke

    That first note has got to be fake. It’s right up there with “BOUGTH IT FOR MY COUSIN WHO HAD CANCER, ITEM NEVER ARRIVED AND MY COUSIN DIED”

    May 24, 2010 at 12:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #14   snokful

    To the writer of the first note: Grow up. Oh, and CRY MOAR.

    May 24, 2010 at 1:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #15   gladystopia

    Team Girlfriend. It’s impossible to win the game with only two prawns, especially when your opponent has six. That makes the whole N5–K2 gambit a risky choice, and Q-R10 just goes headlong out the window then….

    Oh. PRAWNS. Not “pawns”.
    I should really stop drinking and playing board games, or maybe just stop playing board games.

    May 24, 2010 at 2:02 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   infanttyrone

      Next time I’m short on flatware, I’ll make do with a spoon.

      me: Hey, I just noticed that I need a fork.
      g-topia: Have you considered N-Kb3 ?

      May 24, 2010 at 3:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Canthz_B bang

      His best move was Prawns to Queen…three.

      May 24, 2010 at 8:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    Please sign the lease,
    or don’t skimp on the shrimp.

    May 24, 2010 at 3:31 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   park rose

      CB, I have a feeling that he might have been a little on the shrimpy side, anyway. Dissatisfaction spread from the boudoir to the banquet. You couldn’t really blame her.

      May 24, 2010 at 4:23 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #17   Gina

    Dear Homeless:

    Please cease and desist from blaming us for your inadequacies in the bedroom/relationship. Further harassment will not be tolerated.

    The Prawns

    May 24, 2010 at 6:17 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #18   Veloxiraptor bang

    Whole Foods is pretty much the uptight d-bag capital of the world. Their complaint board is pure PA gold. Think I’ll go take a few pictures…

    May 24, 2010 at 7:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   Alison

    It says story, not store in the response. Way to go Whole Foods.

    May 24, 2010 at 8:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   anglophile bang

      Thanks for pointing that out, Alison. I’m sure no one else would have ever noticed.

      May 24, 2010 at 8:26 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   park rose bang

      Alison, you silly Mother Goose, you!

      May 24, 2010 at 6:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    Holy gigglebrax failure, Batman!

    May 24, 2010 at 8:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #21   Xenobiologista

    Speaking of intimidating vegetables

    May 24, 2010 at 8:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   clumber

      The alt-text on that one is 5-stars!

      May 25, 2010 at 10:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   Sam S

    I would argue that TWO prawns are hardly a “galaxy”.

    Let me talk to Mr. Wong!

    May 24, 2010 at 8:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   aaa bang

    Fuck! Give me a shrimp!
    TANTRUM! You can just move out
    Boyfriend one hundred…

    May 24, 2010 at 8:54 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Kari Ouwac

      The prawns on my plate howl with the injustice of inequality.
      Go, go naked and friendless into the avenue of your greed.
      Home, less you.

      May 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   infanttyrone

      What the Lobo Sybil Of London Deveins
      (or I woke Up in a Billingsgate Doorway)
      The prawns Who you condemn to eternal, Borgesian assimilation
      Cry out for more than mere industrialous revolutiontribution
      They’re strained screaming out of saline tanks by Lee Ho Fooks
      Knowing they’ve seen the best brines of their g-g-generation…

      May 24, 2010 at 5:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   infanttyrone

      for those who need a dance Beat…

      May 24, 2010 at 6:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    yay… shrimp debacle haiku

    May 24, 2010 at 8:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #25   heyzeus

    I see your David Foster Wallace reference, and I like it.

    May 24, 2010 at 10:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Katie

      Glad someone besides me caught this. I am commenting only because I was so excited about the title. Does this make me a fangirl? Ugh. Well, I suppose there are worse things to be a fangirl of.

      May 25, 2010 at 12:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

    And I’ll bet that out of all eight shrimp, not a one of them congratulated the couple on Facebook regarding their break-up announcement.

    …bunch of bottom-feeders. Hmmph!

    May 24, 2010 at 11:04 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #27   bored at work

    Perhaps prawns aren’t the only area where he’s thinking he’s got ’6′ and she’s thinking she’s only getting ’2′…..

    May 24, 2010 at 11:13 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #28   eslinger bang

    Those prawns were fucking delicious.

    May 24, 2010 at 1:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   LittleSprout bang


      There it is!

      May 24, 2010 at 10:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.2   eslinger bang

      Someone had to do it. I took one for the team.

      May 25, 2010 at 2:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   oi bang

    The first note writer must be a hipster. Hipsters go great lengths to create misery and induce self pity. If it were normal people like you and I, then we would have talk to manger about discrepancy in service and solve it right there but not hipsters. You see it would be too easy and negate the whole point of being a hipster.
    What do hipsters do? They make life complicated and miserable. Hey gimme your food because restaurant served me less. No I won’t. OK get out of my house right now!
    This way everybody wins in hipster universe! Restaurant is not happy (lost obviously prawns loving customers), he is not happy (lost house and her) and she is not happy either(lost him) That’s how true hipsters roll, leaving no life untouched.
    Hipster’s motto: If my life is not bitch I will turn her into one and cry “‘pity me, pity me!”

    May 24, 2010 at 2:16 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   aaa bang

      Logic isn’t cool enough for hipsters. That’s why I’m a loser nerd.

      May 24, 2010 at 3:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   infanttyrone

      So, you might say this Beat couple was joined at the hipsters ?

      May 24, 2010 at 11:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #30   mamason bang

    WTF? A type-written response on a post-it? Really?

    May 24, 2010 at 2:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #31   Woman on the Verge bang

    I finally figured out why “prawns” bothered me. Then I remembered – that’s what they called those scary-ass aliens in District 9. No wonder she was pissed.

    May 24, 2010 at 3:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   anglophile bang

      They were just trying to get home!

      May 25, 2010 at 8:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   infanttyrone

    Dear Homeless,

    Of course you’re a single guy, Nimrod !
    Even one more like you might get folks to sanction genderocide…

    Stay hard to get,

    May 24, 2010 at 6:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #33   debkatz

    Dear homeless guy,

    Get used to your new surroundings. And try not to spawn. Darwin called-you’re up for honorable mention on how NOT to keep the species going. Your girlfriend came in a close second.

    Have a relatively sex-free life.

    May 24, 2010 at 8:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #34   alex

    LOL at the first one i live on saltspring island and thats from the Fulford pub way down in the south end.

    May 24, 2010 at 11:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #35   The Elf

    Paige, one of my ferrets once dragged a carrot under the couch. I don’t know what she did with it, but I heard a lot of thumping and dooking. At least it was a fully mature carrot.

    May 25, 2010 at 11:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   algae

    I used to work at the River Street Whole Foods!! That is a five star response to an amazing comment.

    Jun 2, 2010 at 4:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #37   Thank you for your “constructive criticism” |

    [...] it comes to comment cards and suggestion boxes, it’s not necessarily hard to get the last word. But as Maggie noticed [...]

    Apr 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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