The Twix Conspiracy

May 24th, 2010 · 84 comments

According to reports we’re receiving here at PAN headquarters, it appears that proletarians with a predilection for the chocolate-cookie-caramel confection known as Twix are battling Soviet-like conditions in order to procure their precious candy bars. 

In some areas, workers are forced to pay a hefty premium (unlike the bosses and bigwigs upstairs). 

Twix is only $1.00 at the third floor. Are we being unfairly taxed?

Even then, what remains for the masses is likely to be rejected, bottom-of-the-carton stock.

This vending machine RUINED my day!  Melting and nasty! Ye be warned.

And in the hardest hit areas, shortages have led hungry Twix lovers to beg for mercy from The Man himself. 

Dear Candyman, More chocolate + less granola bars - no one likes those anyhow! Thanks, Twix Lover

(Thanks to informants Sean in Philadelphia, Rachel in Salt Lake City, and Mark in Buffalo.)

related: Comrades, take notice!

extra credit: Twix bars unfairly taxed in Colorado? [WSJ.com]

FILED UNDER: candy · chocolate · office · raging against the machine · vending machine drama


84 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Wade bang

    If your day was ruined by a melted Twix, you, sir, are no pirate!

    Ye be scorned!

    May 24, 2010 at 7:53 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords

      oo-ooh, SOMEone thinks they’re too good to lick chocolate off the inside of a wrapper!

      May 24, 2010 at 8:39 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Fridge Pirate

      The melted twix was fucking delicious!

      May 24, 2010 at 9:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Nack

      10 minutes in the fridge for chocolate, melty problem fixed. I always find it odd people complain about that…

      May 25, 2010 at 11:15 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Maas

      The machine also raped his grandmother, but that was too painful to mention in a note left for all to see.

      May 26, 2010 at 5:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   zenvelo

    The folks in Buffalo have so many requests, they need a second vending machine…

    May 24, 2010 at 7:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dear Twix Lover,

    Bite my Twix.

    Love,

    Candy Vending Machine Man

    May 24, 2010 at 8:01 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   she's got huge... tracts of land

      Dear Twix Lover,

      Eewww! You’ nasty, girl—THAT SHIT IS S’POSED TO JUST GO IN YO MOUTH!

      Love,

      Candy Vending Machine Man

      May 24, 2010 at 8:48 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   JetJackson

      No wonder it was melted and.. nasty!

      May 25, 2010 at 12:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Canthz_B bang

      Well, at least that’s why it was melted. :-P

      May 25, 2010 at 12:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Sirius¤ bang

      Nasty and trifling!

      May 25, 2010 at 2:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Mo® bang

      Can she call you Mr. Jackson if she is nasty?

      May 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   dollbones bang

    Vending machine contents are kind of like snowflakes: each person has their own idea of what makes a perfect vending machine. Or maybe the people are like snowflakes.

    Mmmmm…snow reminds me of the best vending machine candy ever….

    May 24, 2010 at 8:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   JetJackson

    I hate it when the candyman practices third degree price discrimination! Damn you well educated Candyman who paid attention in Microeconomics!

    May 24, 2010 at 8:08 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

      Yes, apparently that candyman knows the Twix of the twade.

      May 24, 2010 at 10:33 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   infanttyrone

      I’m hunting Candymen, be vewy vewy quiet.

      May 24, 2010 at 11:24 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Canthz_B bang

      Ty, I’d start in Candywand if I were you. ;-)

      May 25, 2010 at 1:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   infanttyrone

      Thanks, I had nothing but bad luck in Shoots & (walking under) Ladders.
      It’s in-trig-ing there, but you feel like you were born under a bad sine.

      May 25, 2010 at 3:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   infanttyrone

    If you can’t cook your own snack-dope and bring it from home, at least have the sense to stop at a supermarket (or even convenience store)
    on the way to/from work and stock up on what you know you’ll be jonesing for. You don’t have to put it in the fridge unprotected from prying eyes and pirating fingers just because it’s chocolate.

    You ain’t fooling anybody into thinking you’re anything but overpaid and slow-witted when you depend on an office vending machine for your fix.

    Save $ and get to work on time…it’ll do wonders for your next review.

    May 24, 2010 at 8:11 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Bunnee

    Wow! This makes me think that the severity of the notes would be tenfold if this scenario involved Snickers!

    May 24, 2010 at 8:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   amy d bang

    Beauty often equals simplicity, as in this pealr garnered from the angry Twixt note:

    Ye be warned!

    Yes, may ye all be warned.

    May 24, 2010 at 9:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Escape Goat

    Hee-hee, you want more Twix?

    Listen to this … (((Snickers))))

    May 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   infanttyrone

    Unfairly taxed ?
    Can’t score Oolong in quantity because of knuckle-headed Tea Partiers ?
    Whaddaya gonna do ?
    Throw a few cartons of Twix in Bah-ston Hah-bah !

    May 24, 2010 at 11:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   HandyMarigolds

      Just what we need: a Nougat Party.

      May 25, 2010 at 9:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Melissa B

    twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch

    May 24, 2010 at 11:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Canthz_B bang

      Gigglebrax fail…sorry. :oops:

      May 25, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Sam S

      It is the ONLY candy bar… period.

      May 25, 2010 at 10:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Sure, she can be a Twix-lover if she wants to be, but someone needs to hip her to the fact that Snickers satisfies you!

    May 25, 2010 at 12:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      She’s just turning Twix for a dollar. It’s not really about satisfaction.

      May 25, 2010 at 12:50 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   infanttyrone

      The Crucifixion Considered as a Downhill Slide in the Big Apple
      (apologies directly to John/Taupin; obliquely to Omartian/Summer)

      She’s a big girl, she’s standing six foot three
      Turning Twix for the dudes in the big city…
      And she’s looking real pretty,
      Just waitin’ for her clientele.
      He want to take you from the racket boss
      He want to save you but the cause is lost…

      May 25, 2010 at 3:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Twix is only $1.00 up on three, and there are stock options printed on the inside of the wrapper.

    Don’t fret…have you seen the performance of our company stock lately?

    May 25, 2010 at 12:37 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    Twix is only $1.00 on the third floor?

    I’ll remember that the next time you’re selling candy bars for your kid at five bucks a pop!

    May 25, 2010 at 12:40 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Apparently the third floor is the outlet mall of vending machines. Shit is half price, but it’s 3 years old.

      May 25, 2010 at 7:26 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   TippingCows

    The second floor must be like ye olde Leningrad.

    In Soviet Russia, Twix taxes YOU.

    May 25, 2010 at 3:52 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   jayskinner70

      Hmmmm…Twix and (Yakov) Smirnov. Two great tastes that taste great together.

      May 26, 2010 at 7:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Sarah

    I like granola bars.

    May 25, 2010 at 5:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   FeRD

      You don’t count, Halfie, you haven’t got any Twix!

      May 25, 2010 at 7:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   jaywalke

    Dear Candy-Man:

    We’re out of candy. Please stock the machine with little girls.

    May 25, 2010 at 7:41 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Splint Chesthair

      How much for the little girl? How much for the women?

      May 25, 2010 at 7:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   jaywalke

      Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters… sell them to me. Sell me your children.

      May 25, 2010 at 8:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   Canthz_B bang

      Does a Tween cost the same as a Twix?

      May 25, 2010 at 8:10 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   infanttyrone

      Price equality* occurs at only one point where the graphs intersect.
      Curiously, this is a point labeled “B”.
      So, economic dilemma happens only when you’re B(Twixt) & B(Tween).

      *Penalty for possession with intent to sell is always different.
      So, prices can equate, but running costs are always higher for Tweens.
      If the Tween is related to E. Merman, penalties are tripled.

      May 25, 2010 at 3:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Splint Chesthair

    They put apples in our vending machine.

    May 25, 2010 at 7:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   jaywalke

      That’s going to confuse the hell out of the city kids . . .

      May 25, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   anglophile bang

      The whole thing seem problematic, Splint. You don’t get to check for bad spots, they’re not refrigerated, and then they get bruised dropping down. And god only knows what kind of detritus they’re falling into. I wouldn’t risk it. I’m picky about my fruit.

      May 25, 2010 at 8:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Splint Chesthair

      They’re mealy red delicious apples, blecch.

      May 25, 2010 at 8:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Splint Chesthair

    I subscribe to the karmic law of vending machines. If I get something bad or if I get ripped off and the machine just takes my money or doesn’t give me change, I just let it go. Lots of people take the time to write notes “This machines owes me $0.35. Please contact me at …” I believe the universe does not like those people. It so happens that I am mostly very lucky with vending machines. To the point where my friends have commented on my abilities to get 2-for-1s and extra change. Sometimes I go by them, hit a button and something pops out, without even paying. Take heed.

    May 25, 2010 at 8:29 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Splint Chesthair

      in the interest of transparency, the above comment was added to cover up a commenting snafu.

      May 25, 2010 at 8:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   HandyMarigolds

      Totally! I’ve come to view the breakroom vending machine as a sort of low-level gambling. Better odds than a Sugar Loaf toy machine, anyway. If I don’t want to lose, I don’t have to play.

      May 25, 2010 at 9:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Grant

    Stick two fingers up at ‘em.

    May 25, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Mo® bang

    The history of all hitherto existing candy is the history of class struggles.
    What the bourgeoisie, therefore, produces, above all, are its own granola bars. Its fall and the victory of the proletariat are equally inevitable.

    May 25, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I love it when you say “bourgeoisie”, Mo….

      May 25, 2010 at 9:46 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   mamason bang

      I love it when he says “hitherto” while twirling in a kilt.

      May 25, 2010 at 11:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      Do you think he can say all the big words while twirling in a kilt and eating a Twix?

      May 25, 2010 at 11:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Mo® bang

      Whilst twirling in a kilt I declaimed Plato and the virtues of twix bars for the city state.

      Sparta!

      May 25, 2010 at 1:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      I love you, Mo.

      May 25, 2010 at 1:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.6   Mo® bang

      I ♥ you too Wo!

      May 25, 2010 at 1:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   cooper

    silly rabbit….twix is for kids….

    May 25, 2010 at 9:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   infanttyrone

      Rabbi ?
      Kix ?
      Twids ?

      May 25, 2010 at 3:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   infanttyrone

      Where’s Mrs. Edit(h) Bunker gone to?

      Wabbi ?
      Kix ?
      Twids ?

      May 25, 2010 at 4:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Sam S

    If Jesus and Buddha made candy bars, they would be Twix. I’m not joking. This is fact.

    I would entertain arguments for Snickers. But that’s it.

    Mounds/Almond Joy? Get the fuck out of here.

    May 25, 2010 at 9:57 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

      Maybe Twix is okay for Buddhists and Christians, but I’m sure Muslims prefer Mounds/Almond Joy. Haven’t you heard the old saying… “If the Mounds will not come to Mohammed, then Mohammed will go to the Mounds?”

      May 25, 2010 at 11:42 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Sam S

      And (reeces) pieces be unto Him.

      May 25, 2010 at 11:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Wolverine Girl

      There’s a candy bar called Mounds? That’s kind of disturbing.

      May 25, 2010 at 6:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   The Elf

      Sure, that’s where Jesus spoke of the morals of filling the candy machine. Matthew 5-7, Sermon on the Mounds.

      May 26, 2010 at 8:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Splint Chesthair

    Would Jesus sign off on a candy bar that can be formed into the sign of a cross? Does he want to remind people of that or forget it?

    May 25, 2010 at 10:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   mamason bang

      The power is in the resurrection!
      I never understood the iconization of the cross in Christianity. It’s what gives some folks the notion of a death cult.
      WWJD? Not wear a cross.

      May 25, 2010 at 11:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Sam S

      I have it on good authority that Jesus doesn’t sweat over candy bars being fashioned into crosses or other Roman torture devices.

      Besides, the two pieces are of equal length. In order to make a cross, you would have to bite one in half.

      To make it more accurate, you would have to make THREE crosses – one for Jesus, and the other two for the criminals who were crucified with him.

      This would entail the consumption of 3/4 of a “serving” of Twix. As Homer put it – that would be sacrilicious.

      May 25, 2010 at 11:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   mamason bang

      Jesus loves Twix, too. ♥

      May 25, 2010 at 11:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   park rose bang

      I actually think it might be kind of representing a circle, which would tie in with other religions in the area (mandalas) – like a circle with the circumference (?) not drawn. But that is just my own personal Jesus theory.

      May 25, 2010 at 10:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   mamason bang

    Candy Man, hey Candy Man
    Alright Everybody, Gather round
    The Candy Man is here
    What kind of candy do you want?
    Sweet chocolate? Chocolate walnut candy?
    Gum drops? Anything you want
    You’ve come to the right man because
    I’m the Candy man!

    Who can take a sunrise?
    (Who can take a sunrise?)
    Sprinkle it with dew
    Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two

    The Candy Man (the candy man)
    The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
    The Candy Man can cause
    He mixes it with love
    And makes the world taste good
    (Makes the world taste good)

    Who can take the rainbow?
    (Who can take the rainbow?)
    Wrap it in a sigh
    (Wrap it in a sigh)
    Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie

    The Candy Man (the candy man)
    The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
    The Candy Man can cause
    He mixes it with love
    And makes the world taste good
    (Makes the world taste good)

    The Candy Man makes everything he bakes
    Satisfying and delicious
    Now you talk about your childhood wishes
    You can even eat the dishes
    But delicious

    Who can take tomorrow?
    (Who can take tomorrow?)
    Dip it in a dream
    (Dip it in a dream)
    Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream

    The Candy Man (the candy man)
    The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
    The Candy Man can cause
    He mixes it with love
    And makes the world taste good
    (Makes the world taste good)

    The Candy Man makes everything he bakes
    Satisfying and delicious
    Now you talk about your childhood wishes
    You can even eat the dishes
    But delicious

    The Candy Man (the candy man)
    The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
    The Candy Man can cause
    He mixes it with love
    And makes the world taste good
    (Makes the world taste good)

    The Candy Man can because
    He mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
    (Makes the world taste good)

    The candy man, the candy man, the candy man
    Makes the world taste good

    May 25, 2010 at 11:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   mamason bang

      I wish I knew someone who could separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream.

      May 25, 2010 at 11:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Where’s Mo? I bet he can!

      May 25, 2010 at 11:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Mo® bang

      Nae not I, but give me all your sorrow and forget about it.
      I will give you my cream.

      *Don’t hit subm…*

      May 25, 2010 at 1:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   infanttyrone

      Cream Puff War (Garcia)
      No, no, she can’t take your mind and leave
      I know it’s just another Twix she’s got up her sleeve

      May 25, 2010 at 3:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Sam S

    I’ll tell you what – if all the candy machine stockers looked like that “child catcher” dude from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – maybe these kids would stop being so uppidity.

    Man, that character freaked me out…

    May 25, 2010 at 11:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   TippingCows

    If I were the vending machine guy and got the last note, I’d be sure to poison all those chocolatey candies like those evil trick-or-treater murderers did/do … by the way, when was the last time someone actually poisoned the Halloween candy they were giving out? I remember having to inspect my candy before I ate it as a kid. Is that still a concern these days?

    May 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Sam S

      Kids don’t go out “trick or treating” anymore.

      Gen X is so freak’n lame. It was so much fun going out as a kid, and now we don’t do the same with ours.

      And we also dress our kids up in full armor when they ride their bikes (I even see kids on TRICYCLES wearing a fucking helmet). Lame lame lame lame lame lame lame

      May 26, 2010 at 6:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Team Media Induced Panic!

    Tipping Cows,

    No. No one actually does this. I’m sure many parents are still freaking out about it, but it doesn’t actually happen. I, myself, remember the days of yore when I went trick-or-treating and my mom would carefully inspect every item in our sacks. I got a few stomaches, but only from overeating sugary crap.

    http://www.snopes.com/horrors/poison/halloween.asp

    May 25, 2010 at 5:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Bubby

    I love the comment on the end “Maybe fill it more often, or maybe just fill it completely.”
    If I were Candyman, I’d move the machine to her cubicle in the middle of the night.

    May 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   J

    That middle photo could have easily have been my place of employment. The candy regularly melts in that machine – especially with the sun shining on it all the time.

    May 27, 2010 at 12:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Max Time bang

    Twix’s are good but are only best if your on a break at work not a kit kat bar. This isn’t really relevant to this topic but it’s good to remember

    May 27, 2010 at 9:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Max Time bang

    The terrorists and communists worked together to make granola bars to stuff in our machines! DAMN YOU GUYS!!!

    May 27, 2010 at 9:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Please

    don’t drag the soviet union into this, it’s incorrect and offensive.

    May 31, 2010 at 5:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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