According to reports we’re receiving here at PAN headquarters, it appears that proletarians with a predilection for the chocolate-cookie-caramel confection known as Twix are battling Soviet-like conditions in order to procure their precious candy bars.
In some areas, workers are forced to pay a hefty premium (unlike the bosses and bigwigs upstairs).
Even then, what remains for the masses is likely to be rejected, bottom-of-the-carton stock.
And in the hardest hit areas, shortages have led hungry Twix lovers to beg for mercy from The Man himself.
(Thanks to informants Sean in Philadelphia, Rachel in Salt Lake City, and Mark in Buffalo.)
related: Comrades, take notice!
extra credit: Twix bars unfairly taxed in Colorado? [WSJ.com]
84 responses so far ↓
#1
Wade
If your day was ruined by a melted Twix, you, sir, are no pirate!
Ye be scorned!
May 24, 2010 at 7:53 pm rating: 31
#2
zenvelo
The folks in Buffalo have so many requests, they need a second vending machine…
May 24, 2010 at 7:54 pm rating: 6
#3
Woman on the Verge
Dear Twix Lover,
Bite my Twix.
Love,
Candy Vending Machine Man
May 24, 2010 at 8:01 pm rating: 10
#4
dollbones
Vending machine contents are kind of like snowflakes: each person has their own idea of what makes a perfect vending machine. Or maybe the people are like snowflakes.
Mmmmm…snow reminds me of the best vending machine candy ever….
May 24, 2010 at 8:06 pm rating: 3
#5
JetJackson
I hate it when the candyman practices third degree price discrimination! Damn you well educated Candyman who paid attention in Microeconomics!
May 24, 2010 at 8:08 pm rating: 10
#6
infanttyrone
If you can’t cook your own snack-dope and bring it from home, at least have the sense to stop at a supermarket (or even convenience store)
on the way to/from work and stock up on what you know you’ll be jonesing for. You don’t have to put it in the fridge unprotected from prying eyes and pirating fingers just because it’s chocolate.
You ain’t fooling anybody into thinking you’re anything but overpaid and slow-witted when you depend on an office vending machine for your fix.
Save $ and get to work on time…it’ll do wonders for your next review.
May 24, 2010 at 8:11 pm rating: 12
#7
Bunnee
Wow! This makes me think that the severity of the notes would be tenfold if this scenario involved Snickers!
May 24, 2010 at 8:38 pm rating: 4
#8
amy d
Beauty often equals simplicity, as in this pealr garnered from the angry Twixt note:
Yes, may ye all be warned.
May 24, 2010 at 9:23 pm rating: 3
#9
Escape Goat
Hee-hee, you want more Twix?
Listen to this … (((Snickers))))
May 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm rating: 9
#10
infanttyrone
Unfairly taxed ?
Can’t score Oolong in quantity because of knuckle-headed Tea Partiers ?
Whaddaya gonna do ?
Throw a few cartons of Twix in Bah-ston Hah-bah !
May 24, 2010 at 11:22 pm rating: 3
#11
Melissa B
twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch
May 24, 2010 at 11:41 pm rating: 5
#12
Canthz_B
Sure, she can be a Twix-lover if she wants to be, but someone needs to hip her to the fact that Snickers satisfies you!
May 25, 2010 at 12:33 am rating: 2
#13
Canthz_B
Twix is only $1.00 up on three, and there are stock options printed on the inside of the wrapper.
Don’t fret…have you seen the performance of our company stock lately?
May 25, 2010 at 12:37 am rating: 6
#14
Canthz_B
Twix is only $1.00 on the third floor?
I’ll remember that the next time you’re selling candy bars for your kid at five bucks a pop!
May 25, 2010 at 12:40 am rating: 8
#15
TippingCows
The second floor must be like ye olde Leningrad.
In Soviet Russia, Twix taxes YOU.
May 25, 2010 at 3:52 am rating: 7
#16
Sarah
I like granola bars.
May 25, 2010 at 5:04 am rating: 3
#17
jaywalke
Dear Candy-Man:
We’re out of candy. Please stock the machine with little girls.
May 25, 2010 at 7:41 am rating: 3
#18
Splint Chesthair
They put apples in our vending machine.
May 25, 2010 at 7:47 am rating: 4
#19
Splint Chesthair
I subscribe to the karmic law of vending machines. If I get something bad or if I get ripped off and the machine just takes my money or doesn’t give me change, I just let it go. Lots of people take the time to write notes “This machines owes me $0.35. Please contact me at …” I believe the universe does not like those people. It so happens that I am mostly very lucky with vending machines. To the point where my friends have commented on my abilities to get 2-for-1s and extra change. Sometimes I go by them, hit a button and something pops out, without even paying. Take heed.
May 25, 2010 at 8:29 am rating: 9
#20
Grant
Stick two fingers up at ‘em.
May 25, 2010 at 8:37 am rating: 1
#21
Mo®
The history of all hitherto existing candy is the history of class struggles.
What the bourgeoisie, therefore, produces, above all, are its own granola bars. Its fall and the victory of the proletariat are equally inevitable.
May 25, 2010 at 9:10 am rating: 3
#22
cooper
silly rabbit….twix is for kids….
May 25, 2010 at 9:43 am rating: 3
#23
Sam S
If Jesus and Buddha made candy bars, they would be Twix. I’m not joking. This is fact.
I would entertain arguments for Snickers. But that’s it.
Mounds/Almond Joy? Get the fuck out of here.
May 25, 2010 at 9:57 am rating: 5
#24
Splint Chesthair
Would Jesus sign off on a candy bar that can be formed into the sign of a cross? Does he want to remind people of that or forget it?
May 25, 2010 at 10:52 am rating: 1
#25
mamason
Candy Man, hey Candy Man
Alright Everybody, Gather round
The Candy Man is here
What kind of candy do you want?
Sweet chocolate? Chocolate walnut candy?
Gum drops? Anything you want
You’ve come to the right man because
I’m the Candy man!
Who can take a sunrise?
(Who can take a sunrise?)
Sprinkle it with dew
Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two
The Candy Man (the candy man)
The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
The Candy Man can cause
He mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
(Makes the world taste good)
Who can take the rainbow?
(Who can take the rainbow?)
Wrap it in a sigh
(Wrap it in a sigh)
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie
The Candy Man (the candy man)
The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
The Candy Man can cause
He mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
(Makes the world taste good)
The Candy Man makes everything he bakes
Satisfying and delicious
Now you talk about your childhood wishes
You can even eat the dishes
But delicious
Who can take tomorrow?
(Who can take tomorrow?)
Dip it in a dream
(Dip it in a dream)
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candy Man (the candy man)
The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
The Candy Man can cause
He mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
(Makes the world taste good)
The Candy Man makes everything he bakes
Satisfying and delicious
Now you talk about your childhood wishes
You can even eat the dishes
But delicious
The Candy Man (the candy man)
The Candy Man can (the candy man can)
The Candy Man can cause
He mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
(Makes the world taste good)
The Candy Man can because
He mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
(Makes the world taste good)
The candy man, the candy man, the candy man
Makes the world taste good
May 25, 2010 at 11:36 am rating: 3
#26
Sam S
I’ll tell you what – if all the candy machine stockers looked like that “child catcher” dude from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – maybe these kids would stop being so uppidity.
Man, that character freaked me out…
May 25, 2010 at 11:47 am rating: 6
#27
TippingCows
If I were the vending machine guy and got the last note, I’d be sure to poison all those chocolatey candies like those evil trick-or-treater murderers did/do … by the way, when was the last time someone actually poisoned the Halloween candy they were giving out? I remember having to inspect my candy before I ate it as a kid. Is that still a concern these days?
May 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm rating: 2
#28
Team Media Induced Panic!
Tipping Cows,
No. No one actually does this. I’m sure many parents are still freaking out about it, but it doesn’t actually happen. I, myself, remember the days of yore when I went trick-or-treating and my mom would carefully inspect every item in our sacks. I got a few stomaches, but only from overeating sugary crap.
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/poison/halloween.asp
May 25, 2010 at 5:57 pm rating: 0
#29
Bubby
I love the comment on the end “Maybe fill it more often, or maybe just fill it completely.”
If I were Candyman, I’d move the machine to her cubicle in the middle of the night.
May 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm rating: 3
#30
J
That middle photo could have easily have been my place of employment. The candy regularly melts in that machine – especially with the sun shining on it all the time.
May 27, 2010 at 12:59 am rating: 0
#31
Max Time
Twix’s are good but are only best if your on a break at work not a kit kat bar. This isn’t really relevant to this topic but it’s good to remember
May 27, 2010 at 9:00 am rating: 0
#32
Max Time
The terrorists and communists worked together to make granola bars to stuff in our machines! DAMN YOU GUYS!!!
May 27, 2010 at 9:01 am rating: 2
#33
Please
don’t drag the soviet union into this, it’s incorrect and offensive.
May 31, 2010 at 5:50 am rating: 0
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