“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”
“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”
“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”
(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)
But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.
related: The right to bear fruit
80 responses so far ↓
#1
Tikikala
LOL. If trees can talk. It’s Chronicles of Narnia
Jun 3, 2010 at 9:56 pm rating: 8
#2
Jynical
I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees!
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:08 pm rating: 15
#3
Canthz_B
Are these trees related to the apple trees in Oz?
They should learn to get their sap up like their technicolor cousins.
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:13 pm rating: 3
#4
park rose
The last one is just deadwood. Drags the team down, no use to anyone . . . though I guess deadwood might float, so it would be handy if the street flooded.
Tree two might be the Golden Bough, and note one shows the genesis of Twiggy’s battle with anorexia and self-loathing.
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:17 pm rating: 6
#5
park rose
Additionally, tree one is healthily dogwood (except for self-esteem issues), but tree two definitely isn’t.
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:22 pm rating: 1
#6
Charlotte Website Design
lol: “I believe it is my job…”
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:30 pm rating: 1
#7
debkatz
“Keep your animals away from me, especially their urine”. Was this directed to those people who like to save buckets of their pets’ urine and then run out and pour it on local vegetation? Because….wow….
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:34 pm rating: 4
#8
Nack
I’d also guess the first one is probably to some H.O.A. who came by and said they needed “nice” foliage or they were going to get fined. I had that once, with my moon-flower vines, they were called “weeds”, and I was told to remove them.
Jun 3, 2010 at 10:45 pm rating: 6
#9
ClearlyDemented
This was the Sixth Sense of PANotes. Even though I should’ve seen the clues, I had no idea it was all leading up to a dendrologic medium.
*shivers*
Jun 3, 2010 at 11:33 pm rating: 5
#10
cowbert
Is the owner of the “urine tree” too lazy to water their tree regularly or do they seriously not know what fertilizer is?
Sure, undiluted dog piss will burn the tree, but if you’re watering it like you ought to (and not with brawndo), then it should be fine, and the tree will actually grow taller than it is! By the looks of it, the grass could use some water too.
Jun 3, 2010 at 11:50 pm rating: 3
#11
TheOldSchool
I am your young dogwood. I am still growing.
And if you really do like me as much as your lame-assed sign implies you do — why did you sadistically attach that giant, vice-like nipple-clamp to my lithe young trunk?
Jun 3, 2010 at 11:54 pm rating: 12
#12
Canthz_B
Tree #2, are you serious…or taking a piss?
Jun 4, 2010 at 12:09 am rating: 1
#13
Blueknittedmonkey
I can see one reason not to like that dogwood. It’s too close to the building and the pipes. It doesn’t have room to grow.
Jun 4, 2010 at 12:23 am rating: 5
#14
JJ
wtf… sad tree (#2) is a weed tree in my area
pull the bastard out!
Jun 4, 2010 at 12:31 am rating: 2
#15
snatchbeast
I love the last tree.
I bring life to trees at work. The boys I work with are “bad” kids, and tend to enjoy pulling leaves and branches off trees, therefore I tell them that the trees love them and they should at least try to respect the nice, caring trees.
I <3 trees
Jun 4, 2010 at 2:46 am rating: 4
#16
gladystopia
There’s no good reason not to like a dogwood.
Now, if you want to have a REALLY good hate on against a tree, why not try a cottonwood? By the time you’ve finished pressure-washing eleventy-nine metric tons of little fluffy fuzzybits from the intake of your central-air unit, you too will be thinking of especially profane names to call them.
And please don’t even get me started about those little helicoptery things that the maples do every year….
Jun 4, 2010 at 3:13 am rating: 19
#17
Splint Chesthair
I have a dead tree that I keep in my yard and don’t plan on cutting down. The woodpeckers flock to it. I’m guessing it’s full of tasty bugs.
Jun 4, 2010 at 6:33 am rating: 2
#18
Woman on the Verge
I am a sad tree. I am too close to the driveway and your noxious exhaust fumes. My roots are being crushed by these “decorative” boulders. Please help me.
Jun 4, 2010 at 8:02 am rating: 3
#19
Canthz_B
♫ Hey Baby, won’t you be my dog? I’ll be your tree and you can pee on me! ♫
–Standing on the Verge of Getting It On (Funkadelic, 1974)
Jun 4, 2010 at 8:10 am rating: 3
#20
Canthz_B
I think that I shall never see,
A complaint as bitchy as a tree’s.
Jun 4, 2010 at 8:20 am rating: 18
#21
The Elf
No snark, just an anti dog-pee tip. You can make a great animal deterrent by slicing up habeneros and infusing it in vodka. Use rotgut vodka if you’re just making it for deterrent, but use good vodka if you’d like to have a little fire water yourself. Infusing it in vinegar would also work, but vodka is just more fun. Anyway, after a few weeks, strain it and put it in a spray bottle. Then spray the plant and the ground around the plant. Most dogs/cats/wildlife won’t go there because the smell irritates them. It won’t harm the dogs or the plants.
Jun 4, 2010 at 8:28 am rating: 4
#22
Angela
If a tree can’t survive a little dog piss, then it deserves to die. Survival of the fittest, baby!
Jun 4, 2010 at 9:08 am rating: 3
#23
shwonline
Atomic dogwood
Bow wow wow water me water me
Jun 4, 2010 at 10:40 am rating: 3
#24
Edwina the Defrocked Nun
That dead tree was fucking delicious!
Jun 4, 2010 at 11:18 am rating: 3
#25
MomWhoThinks
Trees have laminators??
Jun 4, 2010 at 11:46 am rating: 2
#26
Blogmella
A tree that a dog can’t wee on is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
Jun 4, 2010 at 11:55 am rating: 6
#27
eslinger
I had all 7 trees on my property cut down last year, and the only regret I have is not having the stump of one ground down *before* getting my new sidewalk poured. (It’s too close to the new sidewalk for the guys to grind it down properly as they do not want to ruin said sidewalk.) I don’t miss the trees, nor the constant noise from the birds nesting in them. I’m pretty sure the birds are holding a grudge though, because they shit on my car constantly. Damn birds! >.<
In summary, fuck the trees. Edwina's right, they were fucking delicious.
Jun 4, 2010 at 1:14 pm rating: 2
#28
Blueknittedmonkey
@ #20 The Elf
It’s probably the vinegar and not the peppers. Vinegar is recommended to kill the pheromones that says to the dog/cat ‘this spot is a toilet.’ The vinegar can harm plants if applied too generously, especially if it’s an plant that needs alkaline soil.
Peppers and dogs. I tried that thing in the Lassie book where Lassie was trained not to eat dropped food by putting red pepper in bits of meat. From what I can tell, dogs don’t even notice hot peppers are hot.
Jun 4, 2010 at 1:24 pm rating: 1
#29
CherylT
How did you ever find the perfect trees to fit that story? LOL
Jun 4, 2010 at 5:22 pm rating: 2
#30
Neeners
I wish my trees would leave notes for me.
How do you teach them to write?
Jun 5, 2010 at 12:47 pm rating: 1
#31
Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)
Behold the poor dogwood tree — that can’t go for a walk and so has to pee on itself.
Jun 5, 2010 at 11:30 pm rating: 1
#32
Bunnee
I can’t believe no one has made any Rush references…
“There is unrest in the forest,
There is trouble with the trees,
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas.
The trouble with the maples,
(And they’re quite convinced the’re right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light.
But the oaks can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made.
And they wonder why the maples
Can’t be happy in their shade.
So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights.
“These oaks are just too greedy;
We will make them give us light.”
Now there’s no more oak oppression,
For they passed a noble law,
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe, and saw.”
Jun 6, 2010 at 1:41 pm rating: 3
#33 All together now: please don’ climb da tree! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Grow some thicker bark, why donttcha? [...]
Apr 21, 2011 at 9:11 am rating: 0
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