Violent (but amusing) threats

June 6th, 2010 · 76 comments

So, which of these warnings would most readily scare you into compliance?

Exhibit a) from an alley in York, U.K.

If I find out who is leting their dog shit out side my house I will personaly [sic] ripp [sic] there [sic] heads off and their dogs and shit in their necks!! This not a threat it's a promis [sic]! I am watching! God help you if I catch you!

Exhibit b) from a sharehouse in Australia

I swear to god if you write one more fucking note I am going to get that wad of notepaper and and shove it so far up your ass you're going to be sneezing shopping lists for the rest of your life. I hope you get papercuts and DIE!

or Exhibit c) spotted by Robert on a film shoot in Los Angeles?

LABEL YOUR GOSH DARNED WATER BOTTLES OR I'LL DROP YOU OFF THE HIGH TURRET AND REMOVE YOU AS A FACEBOOK FRIEND

related: Wishin’ and hopin’

FILED UNDER: Australia · CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · God · Los Angeles · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · spelling and grammar police


76 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Josh Straub

    AND remove you as a Facebook friend?!? *gasp*

    Jun 6, 2010 at 4:49 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Gosh darn it, I just can’ t have that happen.

      Jun 6, 2010 at 8:19 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Rubber Chicken

      Well I can promis you that last one would make me change my ways, gosh darn it!

      Jun 7, 2010 at 8:08 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Well, we’ve never done this before. But seeing as it’s special circumstances and all, he says I can knock a hundred dollars off that Trucoat.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 12:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Wade bang

    I ♥ note #2.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 4:50 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Attila the Nun bang

    I can understand dropping somebody off of the high turret, but removing somebody as a Facebook friend is just cruel.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 4:51 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   eli

    Remove me as a Facebook friend? OH NO, NOT THAT! Anything but that!

    Jun 6, 2010 at 4:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Marlisa

    Note #2 scares me the most. Paper cuts really hurt.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 4:52 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Stuffin's

      Especially in the rectum. Don’t ask.

      Jun 6, 2010 at 11:27 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Sounds like someone else forgot to take that weird wax paper wrapping off of his Dr. Johnson’s Magic Butt Plug before insertion.

      Oh well, you can’t blame folks for getting overly excited — what with all the crazy promises made in the infomercials.

      (Admittedly, my posture did improve, quite dramatically, but only for the initial moments of the first insertion.)

      p.s., stuffin’s, how did you get the name you have?

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:49 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Madrias bang

    Some people are just so aggressive! though I agree with #1: Dogs shitting in my yard don’t get away scot-free. I have rather watered down paint going through the yard sprinklers so that anyone that lets their dog crap in my yard can enjoy green paint all over their place.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 4:53 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Gretchen

    I think the latter two have a sense of humor, and hence approve. If they don’t, I worry about their psychological stability.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:01 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Jamie

    #1 isn’t scary because the person can’t even spell. How old are they, 8? Well, with that kind of language, maybe 10. #2 is impressively threatening. #3 is amusing because it could take quite a bunch of de-friending depending on just how many offensive and unlabeled water bottles are hanging around. :)

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   park rose bang

      Gary Gilmore had an I.Q. of 133. So maybe there is some correlation in what you’re saying. I don’t think that the “Squeal like a pig,” dude in Deliverance had a lot of smarts though, and he was pretty frightening, but then, that’s fiction. The next time I encounter a serial killer/sodomist/ inbred banjo player I’ll be sure to run a spelling bee to see if I should be scared or not and maybe I’ll get back to you all with my results. ;)

      Jun 7, 2010 at 1:26 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Flaaboy2425

    I know that some spellings are different in the U.K., but I always thought out side was just one word, ripp was spelled with only one p, and promis had an e attached in both U.K. and American English. Where did I go wrong?

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:15 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      They live in a house that is painted two different colors for no apparent reason. Oh, and they didn’t remove the note when they painted. I don’t think they need a reason.

      Jun 6, 2010 at 5:18 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   infanttyrone

      Just maybe…
      the top color was meant to emphasize the “I am watching !” remark…
      based on associating it with the phrase “Rust Never Sleeps”…
      which was, in 1979, a Neil Young album with the song Powderfinger
      which (Powderfinger) in 1989 became the name of an Australian band…

      Coincidentz ?

      Jun 6, 2010 at 5:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   H for Toy bang

      What is he complaining about? At least it’s not in side his house!

      Jun 6, 2010 at 6:56 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Xenobiologista

      When I was a kid I was the only English speaker in my class (the others spoke Malay, Tamil, or various Chinese dialects). I thought that people who grew up in native English-speaking countries like the USA and the UK would speak and write perfect English.

      Man, what a joke.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:22 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Flaboy2425

      If you need directions finding my house, it is painted rainbow colors and has dog poo in the yard. You can’t miss it.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 9:45 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   Canthz_B bang

      I speak and write no other language but English. After all of these years (and all of the exceptions to grammatical rules), I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as “perfect English”.

      At least that’s what I tell myself so I can sleep. ;-)

      Jun 8, 2010 at 2:31 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Kate

    ‘Gosh Darned’?
    I would not be afraid of someone who says gosh darn. Swear at them and they would run away.

    But being removed as a facebook friend would really worry me.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Woman on the Verge bang

    Do you have to time travel to drop someone off a turret and then unfriend them on facebook?

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:19 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   jaywalke

      I had a friend with turrets. It’s no fucking joke.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 8:11 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   TheOldSchool bang

      You’re right, jaywalke. Turrets Syndrome is only funny to those who are unafflicted by it.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 10:09 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   jaywalke

      I’d hate to think his battlement nothing.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 10:14 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   infanttyrone

      Careful Fr. Mulcahey don’t catch you guys talkin’ dirty…he’s all sex-crazed when he hears stuff like ‘at and he’s subject to abuse you with his rampart.
      Yer buttresses’ll be so sore you won’t be parapatetic for days.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 1:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Addie

    I can’t take the first one seriously, so notes two and three get my vote. Note three is wonderfully understated.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   TheOldSchool bang

      If I lived near the writer of the first note, I would intentionally try to get “Princess” to poop in his yard.

      Cutting off a chihuahua’s head wouldn’t be difficult, but shitting accurately down the itty bitty hole in her little neck stump would be another matter entirely.

      I’m guessing there’d be much spillage.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   infant tyrone bang

      TOS,
      Do some research first…if the writer’s a WWII hardware collector,
      he might use a Norden bumsight and really nail the dismount.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   infanttyrone

    I’m a little scared of and for #6.
    A dog doing what comes naturally doesn’t deserve the risk of
    getting an eye full of green paint, watered-down or not.
    Some dog owners retaliate personally…others would just call the SPCA +/0r local environmental affairs bureaucracy, sit back on the porch with Rover and watch the endless evil circus of lawsuits and fines go on and on.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   infanttyrone

    Note to self: Don’t count on masking tape to hide spelling deficiencies.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:29 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   BurstingAtTheSeams

    Breaking news

    Police in Los Angeles are searching for a murder suspect this afternoon after an unidentified office intern was found dead from wounds sustained during a fall from a Hearst Castle turret. The office intern had nothing on her person except for an unmarked bottle of water, a matter of alarm which cause the police to believe she was pushed intentionally by an angry co-worker.

    LAPD has asked local citizens to be on the lookout for a middle-aged woman who uses phrases like “Gosh-Darned” and “Man Alive.” She may have also recently dropped the office intern from her facebook page.

    Please contact PAN immediately with details.

    Up next: College student from Down Under sneezes shopping lists!

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   marathonmom

    Dang- A has like, SNAPPED written all over it. I am pretty good about my doogie pooping in my backyard but sometimes it takes a walk -and that’s when I make my kids do it and they are not so good about telling me about which house she pooped on.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 5:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      if your dog can poop on houses, i don’t think you need worry about neighbors complaining…

      Jun 7, 2010 at 9:41 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Neeners

      Maybe the neighbors should get together and all poop in his yard. All that anger should not be wasted on a little doggie doo!!

      Jun 7, 2010 at 3:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Angela

    I can’t even make fun of dude’s spelling, he freaks me out so much.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 6:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Sally

    I would just pee in the unmarked water bottles.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 7:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   unlabeled

    I imagine it would be pretty hard to know who to remove from Facebook if their bottle is unlabeled!? I guess they could just delete everybody until their friends list consists ONLY of those with labeled bottles, and write family members, ex-classmates etc. off as collateral damage…

    Jun 6, 2010 at 8:38 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   cole

    I love how number 1 doesn’t know which version of “their/there” he wants to use.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 9:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   gladystopia

    #2 note gets my vote, simply for the imagery it conjures.

    “Honey? We need a few things at the store. I’ve got the list right here….” -aCHOO! “No, wait, that’s Katelyn’s soccer schedule…” aCHOO! “Nope–that’s the permission slip for Junior’s field trip ….” aCHOO! aCHOO! “Oh, there it is–forgot how long that list was! I’ve NEVER had a two-sneezer before…”

    And let’s not even discuss where she keeps the checkbook….

    Jun 6, 2010 at 10:45 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   G bang

    #2 managed to use “your” and “you’re” correctly, successfully, three times.

    I love him/her/it.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 11:20 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   shwonline bang

    Whoops, sorry. From now on I will make sure that my dog shits inside your house.

    Jun 6, 2010 at 11:50 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Matthew

    This reminds me of some of the notes my co-workers used to leave my boss and each other…

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/suomynona/sets/72157609039497242

    Fun times :D

    Jun 7, 2010 at 1:35 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   The Elf

      And you haven’t submitted those gems why?!

      Jun 7, 2010 at 7:32 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   mouse

      Crap that photoset was amazing.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 8:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Matthew

      I have :)

      Jun 7, 2010 at 4:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Xenobiologista

    Note #2 has this lovely recursiveness about it.

    Jun 7, 2010 at 2:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   a-Arialist

    I am incapable of anything other than hysterical laughter at a ‘threatening’ note that contains the words ‘gosh-darned’. . .

    Jun 7, 2010 at 2:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Neeners

      Must have been a church note

      Jun 7, 2010 at 3:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Wolverine Girl

    I keep hearing note 3 in Ned Flanders’ voice:

    Label your gosh-darned water bottles or I’ll drop-diddly-op you off the high tur-doodly-urret and posilutely, absotively remove you as a Facebook frienderino.

    Jun 7, 2010 at 3:11 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Mo® bang

      I was hearing William H Macy from “Fargo” saying it.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 9:28 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Hey, let’s watch that language there!

      Jun 7, 2010 at 12:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   clumber

      “just funny looking. Yeahhhhhhhh”

      ♥Fargo♥ a day when i am reminded of Fargo scenes immediately becomes a better day…. THX all.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Rubber Chicken

      So was I the only one who remembers the “Brothers Brothers” segment from “In Living Color”?

      Jun 7, 2010 at 9:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   nil zed

      I hear Kenneth from 30 Rock saying it.

      Jun 15, 2010 at 12:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    Like others in the tribe, I vote #2. That one was written by a devilishly smart raving lunatic, the other two by wannabes.

    Attila, didn’t I know you during our novitiate? You were the one at the end of the corridor, right?

    Jun 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   aaa bang

    Does it really have the power of a promise if it’s spelled incorrectly?

    Jun 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Mo® bang

      ” you remind me of a man…”

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   infant tyrone bang

      Betcher buttes, podnuh !

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      “Man with the power.”

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   aaa bang

      “What power?”

      Jun 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Woman on the Verge bang

    “Power of hoodoo.”

    *gigglebrax fail*

    Jun 7, 2010 at 2:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Mo® bang

    Oh oops nothing to see here!

    Jun 7, 2010 at 3:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   T.U.M.

    Sneezing grocery lists is too funny to be truly threatening, and the Facebook bit defangs the threat of the turret drop.

    But, I’m not entirely convinces that bloke won’t shit in my neck, so I’m staying out of his alley.

    Jun 7, 2010 at 3:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Neeners

    I’m trying to determine which is worse, the dog pooping outside the house or a man going outside to “ripp” the dogs head off and shit down the neck?

    Hmm… what a sight for the neighborhood, Crazy Joe’s final meltdown!

    What’s really a crime is the guy’s spelling! Oh and the fact he used masking tape outside. Come on, we all know that’s not going to hold yet the use of a plastic page protector is important to him.

    Jun 7, 2010 at 3:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Ashmeadow

    Instead of defriending the offenders the note writer should just set up a memorial page. It has the same effect.

    Jun 7, 2010 at 4:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   RP

    Meh. I empathize with the first note.

    Jun 7, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Clumber

      THREATEN MY DOG SIR AND YOU SHALL FEEL THE BURN OF HOT LEAD INTO YOUR COLON, SIR! The poo you’ll be worrying about is that which oozes to your colostomy bag!

      Now, you want to scream at & threaten the owner – have at it. I can even provide you with some addresses and license plates….

      Clumber, who always picks up after her dogs’ walks… which she doesn’t have to do very often since we have a huge yard (over an acre) they romp on, and no safe walking areas for well over 2 miles in any direction from our house… so for the vast majority of the time, the poo is in OUR double-fenced yard.

      Jun 7, 2010 at 5:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   park rose

      Don’t worry, Clumber, RP only empathizes with the note, not the notewriter. I empathize with that note, too. As WotV said, two-toned, misspelt . . . . Peeling masking tape means that the next stop on its journey of disappointment, heartbreak and disillusion is on the poo-scattered ground. I guess that’s why it needed the plastic protector, to address Neeners’ musing.

      Jun 8, 2010 at 4:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   clumber

      ♥Rose♥

      Jun 9, 2010 at 8:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     

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