Entries from June 2010

Wake me up, Scotty!

June 10th, 2010 · 105 Comments

Too busy to microwave your morning serving of saturated fat? No worries! If you’re a New Yorker, you can get your “special diet food” delivered right to your door. Or, um, your neighbors’ doors.

An open letter to “Scotty,” who presumably lives in this building.  Hey Scotty, here’s a wacky idea for you – next time you order food delivery maybe you should remember to tell them which apartment you live in.   Now, god bless you for ordering McDonald’s at 7:15am - you must have been in pretty rough shape if you couldn’t walk your ass 3 minutes down the block to pick up an egg McMuffin yourself.  But to be honest, it’s pretty annoying to be woken up three times by the delivery guy knocking on my door (I told him I wasn’t Scotty and didn’t order McDonalds, but I guess he didn’t believe me the first two times). And it was especially awesome when he just started yelling your name in the hallway in hopes that you’d hear him. Thanks for that, really appreciate it.

Our anonymous submitter can vouch for the note’s veracity. First of all, she says, the McDonalds is literally one block away from the apartment building. “But what’s worse,” she says, “is that the dude didn’t give his apartment number, so the delivery guy just started banging on random people’s doors and yelling ‘Scotty!’  in the hallway. At 7 AM!”

related: The time-tested “sausage, egg and cheese” diet

Tags: food · knocking · McDonalds · neighbors · New York · noise · thanks (but not really)

Where’s the button for Floor 3.14?

June 9th, 2010 · 85 Comments

Remember: the laws of physics are not to be trifled with. Got that, Pigs Boson?

The pigs Female and male that pi on the Elevator we know who they are. Next time we are taking the police to your house.  Super

Due to the countless people hopping the moment the elevator car stops, we have found it is necessary to install new elevators.  While work is in progress, please remind yourselves that the laws of physics are not to be trifled with, and please use the other two fully functioning elevators.

(Thanks to Luciel in the Bronx and Gina in Wisconsin for their submissions!)

related: Cross-country elevator action

Tags: elevator · piss · spelling and grammar police · the po-po

A few choice words from Mom

June 8th, 2010 · 76 Comments

Mothers truly skilled in the art of passive-aggression don’t need much to make their feelings known.

Just ask Rachel in Boston, who recently finished a three-semester master’s program a few months later than expected. “My mom was less than thrilled that my nine classmates finished on time while I struggled to edit my final paper,” Rachel says. “When I finally finished, we had a small graduation party, and she presented me with this gem of a cake.”

Finally! Rachel

Meanwhile, writes our submitter in Madison, Wisconsin: “My mother has a bit of a ‘thing’ against any sort of carbonated beverage and constantly refers to diet soda as ‘the devil’s brew.’ I recently bought a little pack of the mini-cans of Diet Coke, and left one on the computer desk. After arriving home one evening, I found that my mother had kindly re-labeled one of my empty cans for me.”

Little can of poisonous chemicals

In recognition of this particular skill, Amazon.com has apparently farmed out the writing of their suggested “PayPhrases” to stay-at-home Moms across the country…as Jessica in California noticed, on a double-take.

Express Checkout with PayPhrase: "Jessica's Brief Relationships"

related: Is your blog kid-tested, Mom-approved?

Tags: Boston · cake · Diet Coke · Madison · Moms & Dads

Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

June 7th, 2010 · 59 Comments

Our anonymous submitter in Berkeley found this display in the bathroom she shares with her other roommates. “I hasten to add that the Imodium is not mine and the note is not directed at me,” she says. “Admittedly, the probable owner of said Imodium does need to get her shit together.”

So…perhaps the Vaseline was intended to help the the note-writing roommate metaphorically remove the stick up her ass?

Perhaps the Vaseline was for metaphorically removing the stick from your ass?

related: (Untitled) Broken Glass

Tags: bathroom · Berkeley · p.s. · roommates

Violent (but amusing) threats

June 6th, 2010 · 76 Comments

So, which of these warnings would most readily scare you into compliance?

Exhibit a) from an alley in York, U.K.

If I find out who is leting their dog shit out side my house I will personaly [sic] ripp [sic] there [sic] heads off and their dogs and shit in their necks!! This not a threat it's a promis [sic]! I am watching! God help you if I catch you!

Exhibit b) from a sharehouse in Australia

I swear to god if you write one more fucking note I am going to get that wad of notepaper and and shove it so far up your ass you're going to be sneezing shopping lists for the rest of your life. I hope you get papercuts and DIE!

or Exhibit c) spotted by Robert on a film shoot in Los Angeles?

LABEL YOUR GOSH DARNED WATER BOTTLES OR I'LL DROP YOU OFF THE HIGH TURRET AND REMOVE YOU AS A FACEBOOK FRIEND

related: Wishin’ and hopin’

Tags: Australia · CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · God · Los Angeles · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · spelling and grammar police

Grow some thicker bark, why don’tcha?

June 3rd, 2010 · 80 Comments

“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

I am a dogwood, I am only lovely in the late spring. I believe it is my job to make the environment more beautiful. Why do you not like me?

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

I am a sad sad tree, barely hanging on to life. Please...keep your animals away from me...especially their urine.

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

Tree to people: I'm Dead. get new tree & plant it here, OK? Thanks

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: anthropomorphism · California · dogs · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · martyr complex · piss · Richmond · Seattle

Cheers to the cheapskate!

June 2nd, 2010 · 89 Comments

It all started, says Alex in Ottawa, when his roommate left on a note on his door, “chewing me out for not paying my share of the cable bill.” In response, Alex says, “I pointed out that he actually owed me more money for the hydro bill. Not being the kinda guy who takes well to being wrong, before paying me he decided to dock another $20 off what he owed — for random things like a burger he grilled for me six months ago.”

Eventually, Alex says, cheapskate roommate broke down and left him the 20 bucks…but not before adding a personal inscription. (Hover your mouse over the image if you’re having trouble deciphering the handwriting.)

FOR ALEX - AN UNDESERVED AMOUNT OF MONEY (Please flip over) ... I ALEX [redacted] IN ACCEPTING THIS 20 DOLLAR BILL ADMIT TO BEING A SLEEZY CHEAP FUCKER WHO CONSISTANTLY PAYS HIS BILLS LATE AND GIVES BULLSHIT REASONS TO LEGITIMIZE MY EGOCENTRIC BELIEF THAT I AM FREE FROM WRONG. I MOOCH MY ROOMMATES FOOD AND IT TAKES ME 40 MINUTES TO BREAK DOWN AND BUY A PITCHER (YES, WE TIMED YOU)

Adds Alex: “That part about ‘my egocentric belief that I am free from wrong’ actually describes him to a T, I think,” Alex adds. “But what do I know? I’m just a ‘sleezy cheap fucker,’ off to spend my newfound drinking money…probably on a pitcher to share with all my pals.

related: “Communication needed”

extra credit: The Queen as Ronald McDonald ["Defaced Presidents" pool on flickr]

Tags: money · Ottawa · roommates

The “Next to Marry” List

June 1st, 2010 · 95 Comments

Scix in Salt Lake City, Utah found this Valentine tucked into a book at a local thrift store run by the Mormon Church. “The idea of using any edition of The Rules to get your kids married is kind of scary,” he says, but imagining the sweet, naive Mormon mom behind it (doing EVERYTHING IN HER POWER) makes it kind of cute…if a bit absurd.

K.T. - I'm sending Christy

related: We are sure you will be a beautiful bride, but…

Tags: nice stationery · Salt Lake City · signed with love · weddings and bridezillas