HOT FAKE TREND ALERT! “Bros slicing bros,” a.k.a. “hate-eating” Domino’s pizza

July 11th, 2010 · 61 comments

So, you still haven’t tried “new taste of Domino’s Pizza,” despite the barrage of marketing dollars being spent encouraging you to do so?  Not to worry! I’ll save you the heartburn incurred by a certain food-filching WashU student and his victims.

Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls. (Oh, and to the Domino’s brand managers reading this: feel free to quote us on that!)

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

Explains Bridget in St. Louis: “There has been a quite nefarious food thief stealing from the dorm’s community refrigerator lately, and I should know, since my stuff has been taken too. There have been a couple of complaints posted to the fridge, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It was written on a napkin duct-taped to a pizza box that had been (rather hastily) stuffed in the refrigerator.”

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

related: My mum bought me that pizza!

extra credit: “New York Times Discovers New Trend: Bros Icing Bros” [gawker.com]

FILED UNDER: college life · die bitch die · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not-so-veiled threats · pizza · shameless meme-mongering · St. Louis · stealing


61 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Gnome Chomsky

    Huh?

    Jul 11, 2010 at 9:31 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      I was confused too–until I got to the date, “2030″. Clearly this note (and box) are from some nigh-unimaginable future where “Domino’s Pizza” is a foodstuff that’s worth the time, pen ink, duct tape, and–most of all–passion that went into the note.

      Jul 11, 2010 at 10:14 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   park rose bang

      24 hour clock?
      Fuck you two thousand and thirty times?
      Room number 2030?
      So addled that they mistook the 20 for a 4, and the 30 for a 20 and thought that Domino’s was worth eating?

      Jul 12, 2010 at 12:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Fridge Pirate

      The pizza was fucking delicious.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   mamason bang

      No, no, no… Those saucy balls were fucking delicious.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 2:18 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Wade bang

      Were they Schweddy Balls?

      Jul 12, 2010 at 8:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Maas

      Notice how the note writer doesn’t want to be sexist by assuming that the quadmate doing the ball dragging was male, and used “their” as a gender neutral (though improperly singular) possessive adjective.

      Jul 17, 2010 at 10:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Kelster

    Am I to understand that the pizza box was opened in front and the pizzza removed (despite the duct tape force field) and the theif writing FOAD on the note?

    Jul 11, 2010 at 9:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   infant tyrone bang

      Like Iron Age tools making Stone Age tools obsolete, the thief’s blade made the NW’s duct tape into little more than a historic footnote.

      Number of adherents doesn’t matter.
      Level of adherence doesn’t matter.
      Stickiness of the duct tape doesn’t matter.
      Paper and tape wrap rock, which dulls scissors…
      but knife cuts paper or tape every time.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 7:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Dean Treadway

    This is one of my favorite notes of all time. I love how they say, yes, I will eat this balls flavored pizza. It’s pure, suck-me hatred.

    Jul 11, 2010 at 9:34 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Nack

    I like how they had to stuff in “Nemerov”. QUICK, guys, google me a great esoteric person to stick in here…I know! A poet!

    Jul 11, 2010 at 9:40 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   xtex

      Nemerov is the name of a dorm at Washington University… I’m betting that’s what it refers to.. not the poet. ;)

      Jul 11, 2010 at 9:42 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Nemerov the dorm was named after Nemerov the dead poet.

      Nemerov the dead poet was the older brother of Diane Arbus, the dead photographer.

      Arbus once said, “A photograph, like the new balls-flavored pizza from Domino’s, is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you want to know.”

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:26 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   The Elf

      But how can a dorm, an inanimate building, hate someone? Clearly, he’s referring to the dead poet. His hate is so much that he’s forced to haunt the dorm that bears his name, randomly possessing people and ordering ball-flavored pizza.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 11:09 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   park rose bang

      Maybe it is the Amityville Horror of Dormitories. Whatever you do, you don’t want to piss off Nemerov.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 12:18 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   jsima

      That’s actually the name of the dorm

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Mo® bang

      No kidding? Deja vu much?

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   veritybrown

    So…someone’s been stealing their food, and now they’re sabotaging it? Usually PAN makes it clearer what the purpose of any given note is. I had to read this several times to understand what the heck was going on.

    Jul 11, 2010 at 10:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   KoS

    I’m guessing someone has been stealing food out of a communal fridge and this note is warning the thief not to touch the note-writer’s leftover pizza.

    Jul 11, 2010 at 10:37 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Silver

    Is Michelle on the loose?

    Jul 11, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   H for Toy bang

    I read “You are an astoundingly actual human being and I hate you.” and I thought maybe the NW has imaginary friends that steal his pizza?

    Jul 11, 2010 at 10:44 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   TippingCows

    This is a note from the future that is actually a code for preparing the world for an earthquake so large that it will hit every fault line in the WORLD at a 7.7 magnitude. Cities will be swallowed whole. Billions will perish. Our ecosystems will never be the same – hundreds, maybe thousands of species of animals will die.

    Now if ONLY Buzz Lightyear could get this note in time, he could save the world.

    So the real question is – which resident of the Nemerov dorm has a Buzz Lightyear doll in his/her room?!

    Jul 11, 2010 at 11:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   HopefulNebula bang

    Wow, 11 responses so far and no “fucking delicious.” Of course, Domino’s really is that bad, so.

    Jul 11, 2010 at 11:29 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Canthz_B bang

      Just had to drop the nova on us, huh Nebula?
      Don’t get starstruck over it. ;-)

      Jul 12, 2010 at 2:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    I always admire someone willing to go balls to the wall for their pizza, but why not just order anchovies and feta?

    Jul 12, 2010 at 1:18 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Janellionaire

      oh wow, that’s probably exactly what balls taste like. anchovies and feta.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:43 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Canthz_B bang

      Like you don’t know the flavor of a set of balls…my chocolate, salty balls!

      Don’t get angry…you know what we did in South Park! :-P

      Jul 12, 2010 at 2:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   park rose bang

      You’d be going Greek then, CB. Not everyone’s cup of tea.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 12:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Judging by the penmanship, I’d say this P-A note was delivered in 30 minutes or less!

    Jul 12, 2010 at 3:11 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   3azeez

    “Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls.”

    LOL… This has either been written by a college whore or a fag… or else how would u know? ;p

    Jul 12, 2010 at 5:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   ds

    ridiculous.

    Nemerov is a dorm at wash u. 2030 is the room number of that dorm room.

    I was hoping for more when I was sent this link. Clearly the future is not bright for Wash U and its progeny.

    Jul 12, 2010 at 7:31 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Beanster bang

      i’m thinking of going for a visit. although it’s summer, so the genius might have moved out.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Froget Menot

    Why dont you move to Pavlov dorm nextdoor
    877-382-1609 . Thoughtful roomates and
    Free pizza there. Allsorts.

    Jul 12, 2010 at 9:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Chazz

    Well this just really pisses me off to no end.. Am I the only one that actually LIKES the new Dominos? Or is it just cause they’re so sick of all the pizza here in Jersey being compared to New York pizza, the local places are trying a little harder?

    Jul 12, 2010 at 9:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Z

      Yes. You are the only one. Any fast food pizza is garbage in my book, but I was spoiled by an Italian mother :D

      Jul 12, 2010 at 11:28 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Oink

    Absolutely hilarious. Love it.

    Jul 12, 2010 at 11:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   dave

    Ha! It says I will it that ball flavored pizza because I hate you. It’s like telling robbers that I am gonna burn down my house because you robbed me. See how much I hate you!
    The note writer is in lose- lose situation. If thief does not believe him than he obviously will lose the pizza. If he believes him than thief’s got last laugh because note writer will eat “dirty” pizza in his own words.
    The note writer has to be incredibly self-centered, overlapping the boundary of stupid, to write this note. Nobody cares about that much about you NW. What’s to them if you eat ball flavored pizza.

    Jul 12, 2010 at 11:43 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   park rose bang

      dave, I like the way you lose your articles here and there. I think you’re closely related to a friend of mine ;)

      Jul 12, 2010 at 12:29 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   dave

      so? Do you want me to dance?
      Not sure what are you talking about here but you can go on it’s an internet. You can do whatever you want.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 12:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Beanster bang

      oi fey! ;)

      Jul 12, 2010 at 2:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   infant tyrone bang

      dave,
      Grow up in a neighborhood where MAD just meant angry
      and nobody played much poker ?

      NW is in a lose-lose-lose-win 4×4 matrix.
      Thief belief Y or N.
      Balls sauce Y or N.
      If thief belief is Y and balls sauce is N, then NW wins.
      The other three possible outcomes involve NW losing.
      The term is a “bluff”.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 3:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   aaa bang

    Jeezy creezy, everybody knows that when you have a rampant food thief you leave sabotaged food in the fridge . It’s really not that hard to encrust food with an invisible layer of salt and see what happens. What the hell are colleges teaching their students these days?

    Jul 12, 2010 at 12:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Madrias

      I used to put just a lot of Habanero pepper on my Pizza Hut pizza. I love spicy pizza, but it causes flaming diarrhea for anyone dumb enough to take a bite.

      Jul 30, 2010 at 8:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   shwonline bang

    “Mmm, good pizza. What’s that I taste… sausage?”
    “Close.”

    Jul 12, 2010 at 1:04 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   infant tyrone bang

      “Not sausage, huh? Must be meatballs then.”
      “Closer.”

      Jul 12, 2010 at 3:17 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   shwonline bang

    I always knew Dominos ’tain’t pizza.

    Jul 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Mo® bang

      Look here it is on the delivery menu; The Rusty Trombone.

      Jul 12, 2010 at 1:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   wheezeew

    That a-hole Yevtushenko took a bite out of my sandwich and put it back.

    Jul 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Elmo

    Many moons ago, I heard the story of a man who had just gotten a fresh beer when he was seized by the need to dump the previous six or seven. Feeling very clever, he took a napkin and wrote on it “I spit in this beer.” and hied off to the mens room. Upon his return, he discovered that his note had been modified. “I did too.” was written six times.

    Jul 13, 2010 at 9:55 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   anony-mouse

      thanks, you just made mine come out of my nose.. LOL.

      Sep 27, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Jeff G

    Very funny.
    But hardly “passive”! No ambiguity there!
    :-)

    Jul 13, 2010 at 8:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Bridget

    Oh wow! I sent in this note – it got posted so quickly! :D

    2030 is the suite number of the guys who wrote the note.

    Jul 13, 2010 at 9:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   NanLT

    1. Dragging a set of man balls across a Domino’s pizza can only improve the taste.

    2. I find it rather funny and quite ironic that there’s a Pizza Hut delivery ad under the note.

    Jul 14, 2010 at 2:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   The Elf

      My ad was for World of Warcraft. Coincidence, I think not. Most WoW players would eat ball flavored pizza if it meant they didn’t lose their spot on the PUG queue for their frosties.

      Jul 16, 2010 at 10:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Lillian

    fromunda cheese is the best!

    Jul 15, 2010 at 1:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   S

    We had a dorm food stealer once. I wrote POISON on my ice cream. Then i filled it with laxatives. Was that passive aggressive of me?

    Jul 16, 2010 at 10:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Chris

    http://www.perpetualkid.com/anti-theft-lunch-bags.aspx

    Jul 23, 2010 at 10:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Nat

    Ah, my alma mater… Warms my heart.

    Jul 27, 2010 at 11:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   A.A GUY

    It’s a well known fact that 0ne out of ten men prefer ball flavoured pizza.

    Sep 27, 2010 at 11:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   pizza express voucher

    not too keen on Domino’s anyway

    Jun 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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