So, you still haven’t tried “new taste of Domino’s Pizza,” despite the barrage of marketing dollars being spent encouraging you to do so? Not to worry! I’ll save you the heartburn incurred by a certain food-filching WashU student and his victims.
Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls. (Oh, and to the Domino’s brand managers reading this: feel free to quote us on that!)
![Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4123/4777863665_fc7dcfec0d.jpg "Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE")
Explains Bridget in St. Louis: “There has been a quite nefarious food thief stealing from the dorm’s community refrigerator lately, and I should know, since my stuff has been taken too. There have been a couple of complaints posted to the fridge, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It was written on a napkin duct-taped to a pizza box that had been (rather hastily) stuffed in the refrigerator.”
![Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4075/4778497556_9334bd9878_b.jpg "Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE")
related: My mum bought me that pizza!
extra credit: “New York Times Discovers New Trend: Bros Icing Bros” [gawker.com]
61 responses so far ↓
#1
Gnome Chomsky
Huh?
Jul 11, 2010 at 9:31 pm rating: 12
#2
Kelster
Am I to understand that the pizza box was opened in front and the pizzza removed (despite the duct tape force field) and the theif writing FOAD on the note?
Jul 11, 2010 at 9:32 pm rating: 4
#3
Dean Treadway
This is one of my favorite notes of all time. I love how they say, yes, I will eat this balls flavored pizza. It’s pure, suck-me hatred.
Jul 11, 2010 at 9:34 pm rating: 33
#4
Nack
I like how they had to stuff in “Nemerov”. QUICK, guys, google me a great esoteric person to stick in here…I know! A poet!
Jul 11, 2010 at 9:40 pm rating: 9
#5
veritybrown
So…someone’s been stealing their food, and now they’re sabotaging it? Usually PAN makes it clearer what the purpose of any given note is. I had to read this several times to understand what the heck was going on.
Jul 11, 2010 at 10:22 pm rating: 4
#6
KoS
I’m guessing someone has been stealing food out of a communal fridge and this note is warning the thief not to touch the note-writer’s leftover pizza.
Jul 11, 2010 at 10:37 pm rating: 8
#7
Silver
Is Michelle on the loose?
Jul 11, 2010 at 10:43 pm rating: 1
#8
H for Toy
I read “You are an astoundingly actual human being and I hate you.” and I thought maybe the NW has imaginary friends that steal his pizza?
Jul 11, 2010 at 10:44 pm rating: 6
#9
TippingCows
This is a note from the future that is actually a code for preparing the world for an earthquake so large that it will hit every fault line in the WORLD at a 7.7 magnitude. Cities will be swallowed whole. Billions will perish. Our ecosystems will never be the same – hundreds, maybe thousands of species of animals will die.
Now if ONLY Buzz Lightyear could get this note in time, he could save the world.
So the real question is – which resident of the Nemerov dorm has a Buzz Lightyear doll in his/her room?!
Jul 11, 2010 at 11:02 pm rating: 4
#10
HopefulNebula
Wow, 11 responses so far and no “fucking delicious.” Of course, Domino’s really is that bad, so.
Jul 11, 2010 at 11:29 pm rating: 29
#11
Canthz_B
I always admire someone willing to go balls to the wall for their pizza, but why not just order anchovies and feta?
Jul 12, 2010 at 1:18 am rating: 12
#12
Canthz_B
Judging by the penmanship, I’d say this P-A note was delivered in 30 minutes or less!
Jul 12, 2010 at 3:11 am rating: 12
#13
3azeez
“Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls.”
LOL… This has either been written by a college whore or a fag… or else how would u know? ;p
Jul 12, 2010 at 5:19 am rating: 2
#14
ds
ridiculous.
Nemerov is a dorm at wash u. 2030 is the room number of that dorm room.
I was hoping for more when I was sent this link. Clearly the future is not bright for Wash U and its progeny.
Jul 12, 2010 at 7:31 am rating: 3
#15
Froget Menot
Why dont you move to Pavlov dorm nextdoor
877-382-1609 . Thoughtful roomates and
Free pizza there. Allsorts.
Jul 12, 2010 at 9:28 am rating: 3
#16
Chazz
Well this just really pisses me off to no end.. Am I the only one that actually LIKES the new Dominos? Or is it just cause they’re so sick of all the pizza here in Jersey being compared to New York pizza, the local places are trying a little harder?
Jul 12, 2010 at 9:59 am rating: 4
#17
Oink
Absolutely hilarious. Love it.
Jul 12, 2010 at 11:08 am rating: 2
#18
dave
Ha! It says I will it that ball flavored pizza because I hate you. It’s like telling robbers that I am gonna burn down my house because you robbed me. See how much I hate you!
The note writer is in lose- lose situation. If thief does not believe him than he obviously will lose the pizza. If he believes him than thief’s got last laugh because note writer will eat “dirty” pizza in his own words.
The note writer has to be incredibly self-centered, overlapping the boundary of stupid, to write this note. Nobody cares about that much about you NW. What’s to them if you eat ball flavored pizza.
Jul 12, 2010 at 11:43 am rating: 7
#19
aaa
Jeezy creezy, everybody knows that when you have a rampant food thief you leave sabotaged food in the fridge . It’s really not that hard to encrust food with an invisible layer of salt and see what happens. What the hell are colleges teaching their students these days?
Jul 12, 2010 at 12:13 pm rating: 7
#20
shwonline
“Mmm, good pizza. What’s that I taste… sausage?”
“Close.”
Jul 12, 2010 at 1:04 pm rating: 17
#21
shwonline
I always knew Dominos ’tain’t pizza.
Jul 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm rating: 8
#22
wheezeew
That a-hole Yevtushenko took a bite out of my sandwich and put it back.
Jul 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm rating: 6
#23
Elmo
Many moons ago, I heard the story of a man who had just gotten a fresh beer when he was seized by the need to dump the previous six or seven. Feeling very clever, he took a napkin and wrote on it “I spit in this beer.” and hied off to the mens room. Upon his return, he discovered that his note had been modified. “I did too.” was written six times.
Jul 13, 2010 at 9:55 am rating: 5
#24
Jeff G
Very funny.
But hardly “passive”! No ambiguity there!
Jul 13, 2010 at 8:14 pm rating: 0
#25
Bridget
Oh wow! I sent in this note – it got posted so quickly!
2030 is the suite number of the guys who wrote the note.
Jul 13, 2010 at 9:54 pm rating: 0
#26
NanLT
1. Dragging a set of man balls across a Domino’s pizza can only improve the taste.
2. I find it rather funny and quite ironic that there’s a Pizza Hut delivery ad under the note.
Jul 14, 2010 at 2:56 am rating: 1
#27
Lillian
fromunda cheese is the best!
Jul 15, 2010 at 1:07 am rating: 0
#28
S
We had a dorm food stealer once. I wrote POISON on my ice cream. Then i filled it with laxatives. Was that passive aggressive of me?
Jul 16, 2010 at 10:41 am rating: 2
#29
Chris
http://www.perpetualkid.com/anti-theft-lunch-bags.aspx
Jul 23, 2010 at 10:00 am rating: 0
#30
Nat
Ah, my alma mater… Warms my heart.
Jul 27, 2010 at 11:42 pm rating: 1
#31
A.A GUY
It’s a well known fact that 0ne out of ten men prefer ball flavoured pizza.
Sep 27, 2010 at 11:21 am rating: 1
#32
pizza express voucher
not too keen on Domino’s anyway
Jun 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm rating: 0
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