Fetch. Roll over. DON’T SIT.

July 14th, 2010 · 75 comments

Amanda in Charlestown, Mass. lives in a three-story home with an apartment on each floor and a shared patio out back. “Our downstairs neighbor is notorious for leaving us notes  — ‘Don’t slam the door,’ ‘The patio is not a storage area,’ etc. — but this note topped them all,” Amanda says. ”Oh, and she clearly cannot spell.”

Just wanted to let you guys know that I bought all the furnature [sic] out back. It is not for you to use. Thanks [redacted]

related: Thank you for not using my grill again

FILED UNDER: Massachusetts · neighbors · nice stationery · sharing is caring · spelling and grammar police


75 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Lauri

    sounds like the other people need to buy a ton of cheap chairs and fill up the patio with them so it’s nearly impossible to move around.

    Jul 14, 2010 at 10:31 pm   rating: 107  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Splint Chesthair

      to really hammer the point home they should hang them from the ceiling and nail some to the walls.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 7:17 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Mo®

      Time for the midnight pooper to strike!

      Jul 15, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   mamason bang

      Some people call me the neighbor, yeah.
      Some call me the dweller above.
      Some people call me Maurice
      Cause I speak of the patio below

      People talk about me, baby.
      Say I’m using your furnature, using your furnature
      But don’t you worry, don’t worry, no don’t worry mama
      Cause I’m right here, right here, right here, right here at home.

      Cause I’m a picker.
      I’m a sticker.
      I’m a booger flicker.
      I play my music in the sun.
      I’m a trooper.
      I’m a snooper.
      I’m a midnight pooper.
      You’d better hope I don’t get the runs.
      Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

      Jul 15, 2010 at 2:27 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Mo®

      Oh no it I’ve got the runs! Oooooo… ♫ ♪

      Jul 15, 2010 at 2:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Zinia

    Better put a dictionary on that list of things to fetch.

    Jul 14, 2010 at 10:32 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Ianthe

    “Observe, as the Suburban American marks her territory, using a few choice pieces of IKEA furniture and a passive-aggressive MINEMINEMINE letter.”

    I’d be sorely tempted to move all of her patio furniture into her room, put a folding chair and poker table in its place, and be all “What now, wench?”

    Jul 14, 2010 at 10:33 pm   rating: 75  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   John

    Well, she already said not to store things on the patio, so really, she shouldn’t be keeping her furniture out there. You’d be doing her a favor by moving it…

    Jul 14, 2010 at 10:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   clumber

      Or just setting it afire. Just to be neighborly.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:38 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Roundredhead

    If this same neighbor has also left a note telling them that the patio is not a storage area, I think they should remind her of that policy and point out that she has no right to store her personal patio furniture on the communal patio. She should be required to haul it back up to her apartment when she isn’t sitting on it.

    Jul 14, 2010 at 10:41 pm   rating: 102  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Splint Chesthair

      Good idea, but I can tell from the letter that this person just won’t “get” that concept. This person wants to believe that the patio is hers. I’ve been in the apartment business before and the downstairs apartment nearly always assumes control of everything on the ground floor, no matter what rules you’ve set in the rental agreement.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 7:16 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Madrias bang

      That’s what flamethrowers are for…

      Jul 15, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   SB

    How can a dog person be such an asshole?

    Jul 14, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   veritybrown

      Easily, I fear. Remember that being a dog person *may* include getting an ego-boo from having others fawn subserviently all over you and kiss up to you and think you’re a god (the dog being a specific and reliable example of someone who will fill that need).

      Jul 15, 2010 at 12:58 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   clumber

      I have several dogs but, alas, my self-esteem is in the tank because there is no way in hell I can live up to their opinions of me.

      I am still, however, an asshole.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:39 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   la

    oh, dog people are frequently assholes…as evidenced by the mounds of dog shit in my front yard on a regular basis (I don’t have a dog).

    Jul 14, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Splint Chesthair

      Motion activated sprinklers are cheap and effective and they even keep people away. It’s worth the set-up.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 7:14 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   mamason bang

      Are you certain that it’s dog shit?

      Jul 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Madrias bang

      A homemade water cannon also works.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   wright1

    “Furnature”? Ooo, hope Amanda doesn’t have a closet Furry as well as a passive-aggressive cast-iron b*tch to deal with…

    But yeah; Ianthe, John and Roundredhead have the right idea: get all that clutter off the communal patio and IN HER FACE.

    Jul 14, 2010 at 11:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   TippingCows

    I think you’d be doing everyone a favor if you came out with a note of your own.
    “The shared patio is not a storage area. Please take all belongings/furniture to your apartment after each use.
    And don’t forget our WET ‘N’ WILD BBQ we’re having next FRIDAY! Bring your own food, utensils, and drinks. Please sign up on the sheet below and let us know what you’ll be bringing for yourself! Also, bring your own water balloons.”
    THX SANDRA

    Jul 14, 2010 at 11:43 pm   rating: 97  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   clumber

      50 thumbs! If only it would let me…. ERROR : Already Voted!

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Mike

      But can the plumbing handle those BIG JOBS?

      Jul 15, 2010 at 4:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   TippingCows

      Well if you can’t stuff a chair down a toilet what is plumbing coming to these days?

      Jul 16, 2010 at 12:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Andi

    Yup, I woulda told her to get her shit off the patio unless she wanted to share nicely.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 12:14 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   strangelove bang

    Great suggestions, all. But too much work. I’d just use the patio furniture at will, and liberally. It’s a communal space, after all, not some storage area. Meh ~ if it comes to it, who knows what the hell *furnature* is? Is it furnace related? Too confusing to bother with.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 12:16 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Z

      Seriously. Leave your stuff there, I’m going to use it until you move it. But I might as well sit in comfort and piss you off first…

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   clumber

      “Sit in comfort and piss” may very well work to claim the furnature [sic] as your own.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:51 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   snatchbeast

    Burn it in the communal fire pit!

    Jul 15, 2010 at 1:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Wolverine Girl

    So basically she’s saying leave the furnature alone. On the other hand, feel free to use the furniture whenever you want.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 1:46 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   HandyMarigolds

      Definately. Your suppose to know the differance!

      Jul 15, 2010 at 8:54 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    I’d hate to be invited to stay the night…

    “Hey, nice couch.”
    “Don’t sit there, I bought that couch!”

    “What’s on TV?”
    “Don’t watch that, I bought that TV!”

    “Guess I’ll turn in then.”
    “Not there, I bought that bed!”

    “Wanna fool around instead? ♥”
    “We can’t…you bought those tits!”

    Jul 15, 2010 at 1:47 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Froget Menot

    A dingo ate all my furnature !

    Jul 15, 2010 at 1:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Froget Menot

    “Thy neighbour furnature thou shalt covet not , nor thy ox, nor thy ass”
    Remuve, expal and binish your very eyes
    Eeeets Miiiiinne …(head spin)

    Jul 15, 2010 at 2:54 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Wallace

    I like the fact that the black-inked ‘thanks’ was added as an afterthought, as if that made the note ok…
    I suggest taking as much stuff as possible to the patio and labelling it all; ‘Mine. Do Not Use’. Items such as tents, old mattresses, sofas, collection of old clothes, kitchen utensils etc would be perfect. Afterall, it has now become a storage area. Oh, and buy her a child’s book on how to share.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 3:02 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   HandyMarigolds

      That happened, in a way, at my old job. Two live theatres shared a concessions prep kitchen, and when their staff started pinching our inventory, we started putting locks on things.

      They didn’t like it. We came in for our shift one day and everything was labeled. The O-cel-o dish sponge was marked “BABCOCK SPONGE” in black sharpie.

      We absconded with the sponge and picked away at it until the letters “BAB” were gone. Felt good.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 8:50 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Really, is it so hard to spell “fernacher”?

    Jul 15, 2010 at 3:03 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Froget Menot

    The legend of the Furnature song
    (School of Mock)

    Well there’s just one problem there
    It was me that first got here
    Just you behave and walk the line ,
    because its miiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

    Only gods own such a furnature
    plastified n’made to measure
    Read my lips, my Ouija board
    Of zee Outback ,i am the Looord !

    Dont you touch the plastic covers
    get your paws off my eezy recliner
    i get my kicks out of seein them sitting there
    Ich bin ein Berliner Mauer hemlichen Verehrer !

    Jul 15, 2010 at 3:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Splint Chesthair

    This is easy to solve. Leave a note that says:

    Since the patio is shared between the three apartments, please remove your patio furniture from the patio when you are not present.

    Or just deal with people using your furniture.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 7:11 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   jayskinner70

    OMG – I can’t believe I get to be the one to say it…

    That furnature was fucking delicious!

    Whew, that was much easier than I had anticipated.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 7:58 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Canthz_B bang

      It’s true! Ignorance is bliss.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 9:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   infant tyrone bang

      Okay, CB…here’s your dollar.
      I really thought today might be the day.
      Double or nothing on the next thread ?

      Jul 15, 2010 at 9:27 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   jayskinner70

      Sorry IT. I didn’t mean to cost you money! I suck.
      That is my first and last “fucking delicious”, I swear.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 12:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   mamason bang

      I think that fucking delicious comments are fucking delicious.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 1:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   infant tyrone bang

      No problem, jay. I had one FD comment long ago, too.
      Besides, it’s only play money.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   me

    Maybe you should stop slamming the door, I have neighbors who do and it is very annoying.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 8:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   HandyMarigolds

    Where can I get custom “Things to Suck” stationery, with pictures of body parts in the margins?

    Jul 15, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Froget Menot

    …And no prowling around my fakir sunbed either..
    I see yore awry move(s) from behind my iron shower curtain.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 9:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Loosyanna Man

    Sounds like time to break out the plinkin’ gun and some skunk scent.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 9:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   debchasteen

    It seems to me that then the residents of the other two apartments should inform her that space on the patio will now be allotted in thirds, so she needs to remove any furniture from the two thirds that are not “her” space. Or, of course, she could pick up a pro-rated part of the rent for her use of the entire space…

    Jul 15, 2010 at 10:06 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   oi bang

    I don’t think anybody has thought of it this simple comeback yet. If she thinks patio is not a storage place then she should remove her personal furniture every time she is done with it. It’s that simple! Why nobody has thought of it yet?!

    Jul 15, 2010 at 10:54 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   jules

      …or pretty much every comment above says that. A+ on reading comprehension.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:36 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   oi bang

      Z- on sarcasm detection. I feel just like a spider would feel when he sees a bee trapped in his web. No hard feelings though. ;)

      Jul 15, 2010 at 11:39 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Mo®

      I can’t believe that both of you didn’t realize that she should just store her patio furniture away when she isn’t using it. The Patio isn’t a storage place after all.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   mamason bang

      Jules, Jules, Jules… really? :roll:

      No comprende.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 1:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   oi bang

    May be she comes late from work thinking that she will sip her coffee in the patio but always finds that her furnature is occupied by others.
    or could be just like my other roommate who valued her earthly possessions more than her life. She would seriously have heart attack if I had used her scrubbing sponge to clean my dishes.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 10:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   clumber

      Sounds like a self-resolving issue to me…..

      Jul 15, 2010 at 12:12 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   infant tyrone bang

      Nature abhors vacua
      and roommates who value earthly possessions more than their lives.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 3:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   PeeDee

    This is easy. Super glue + $20 in pennies = Vengence Folk Art

    Jul 15, 2010 at 11:13 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Dr. Kristin

    I hope the tenants print this post and nail it to her door so that she may learn the error of her ways!

    You can’t go through life being nasty to other people.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 12:05 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   the Librarian

      Sure you can.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   mamason bang

      You’ll just be alone and miserable.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 1:23 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   the Librarian

      I didn’t say that you should. Just that you can.

      Jul 16, 2010 at 7:13 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   Canthz_B bang

      That’s what she said.

      Jul 16, 2010 at 11:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Nack

    A note back “Communal Space, you don’t want us to Use It, Move It.”

    The other stuff though, slamming doors and junking up the patio…not so crazy with three apartments to deal with.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 12:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   John

    Hey neighbor,

    Your furniture was not approved for storage on the patio. Please remove.

    Thanks!

    Jul 15, 2010 at 1:34 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   TeacherLady

    I would take my big ol’ golden retriever out there and brush him right next to the furniture. When everything was coated in his undercoat, I’d leave her a note, “Sorry, it’s the nature of fur.”

    Jul 15, 2010 at 2:08 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   HandyMarigolds

      Love this!

      Also, it gave me an idea: how’s the pigeon population in Charlestown? Train a few of those guys on the patio furn[i]ture, and nobody will use it! Everybody wins.

      Jul 15, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   wright1

      TeacherLady FTW in the categories of PA revenge and wordplay!!

      Jul 15, 2010 at 5:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   H for Toy bang

    I need to get glasses. I read $20 in penises. Then again, that could be some interesting art as well.

    Jul 15, 2010 at 3:25 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   wright1

      Then I must need the same kind of glasses. Just make sure those penises are in pleasant gradations of Lawn Flamingo Pink…

      Jul 15, 2010 at 5:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   H for Toy bang

      How did my comment get un-gigglebraxed? I swear I put it up under comment #29!

      Jul 16, 2010 at 7:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Canthz_B bang

    I wonder if this is a three-family house like my sister owns. If so, the homeowner may live in one apartment and has placed some patio furniture on her patio.
    If not, maybe the tenant whose apartment opens onto the patio pays extra rent for the deck.

    The other tenants misunderstand that they were rented an apartment only, not including the patio and backyard.

    Can you imagine “the people upstairs” hanging out on your patio, outside your apartment, lounging on your furniture?

    Jul 16, 2010 at 2:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Froget menot

      hmm ! this homeowner was… f…..g d……..s !!!!

      Jul 16, 2010 at 4:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   Froget menot

      Team dinner.
      The tenants were excellent Hors d’Oeuvre .
      Thank you all.

      Jul 16, 2010 at 4:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     

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