Excuse me, I’m here to file a restraining order on behalf of my house plant

July 20th, 2010 · 40 comments

“My next-door neighbor has some problems with controlling her rage,” says Guy in Austin. So when the apartment manager wouldn’t force her upstairs neighbors to take down their bird feeder — on the grounds that the resulting bird crap from above constituted plant harassment — she wasn’t about to let the issue drop quietly.

I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.
I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.

Meanwhile, Lucas brings us this report of a uncontrollable botanophile on the loose at his office in Toronto.

Stop molesting my plant! (I can't help it, it feels so good!)

FILED UNDER: Austin · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · neighbors · rebuttals · smartass · Toronto


40 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Party in my pants

    FIRST, the plant was fucking delicious and second, I will resist molesting the plant, but could I FIRST get it to pose for some pictures instead?

    Jul 20, 2010 at 10:18 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Melodie

    I used to know a guy who bought a little potted pine to liven up his doorstep area, and who came home from work one day to find that his tree was gone… and his upstairs neighbour suddenly had one just like it.

    Enraged, he rushed up the stairs to confront the man–whose name was Jack Black, which seems important–but instead of owning up to it or telling my friend to go fuck himself, he picked up that tree and used it to beat the shit out of my friend.

    Jack Black battered my friend with his own tree.

    That’s COLD, brah.

    Jul 20, 2010 at 10:20 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Aksi

    Plant molestation is a big deal – I was once at a state park where there were signs everywhere saying “please do not molest trees and bushes”. Because it’s just rude to feel up on bush that isn’t yours.

    Jul 20, 2010 at 10:23 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   se

      but I like to feel up on bush that isn’t mine, not so much the trees, though.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 7:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Mo®

      I usually ask nicely first.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 8:49 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   TippingCows

      At least water them and give them a dose o’ Miracle Gro first.

      Jul 22, 2010 at 3:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   jayskinner70

      In this day and age, who still has a bush to molest?

      Jul 22, 2010 at 7:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   eslinger bang

    Plant lady has some beautiful penmanship, though.

    Jul 20, 2010 at 11:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   loggdogg

      That’s the first thing I noticed.. Nice “I”.
      and the ‘upstairs’ ooooh la-la. Obviously someone beyond this keyboard generation.

      Jul 20, 2010 at 11:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   OldPandaDayz

      She also used an extremely appropriate shade of green marker, considering the topic of the note was plants- almost as though she was writing a birthday card note as opposed to a PAN.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 9:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Grimfool Reluctant

      I’m pretty sure that note was written in chlorophyll ink.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 7:44 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   infant tyrone bang

      Most of the cursive writing looks very good, but those spiky strokes on the letter “p” are reminiscent of Poseidon’s Trident (which, just try finding a pack in Athens), which makes me think Ms. Agri/Agro got into the mood to memo by nipping into a bottle of minty fresh Clorets-ina wine.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 8:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Maas

    Your plant was clearly asking for it.

    Jul 20, 2010 at 11:03 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   surrahsurrah bang

    The second one is fishy. I studied the handwriting for a whole 32 seconds and and am not sure whether it is the same or not.

    I guess I like really lame conspiracy theories… “OOOO looks like the note writer also wrote the response! 9-11!”

    Jul 20, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   anglophile bang

      I think the Os pretty conclusively show that it is two different writers.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 8:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Froget Menot

      Yes , you’re both very perceptive !

      1 schizo
      1 maso

      a tiny plant

      Maybe ?

      Jul 21, 2010 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   shwonline bang

    That’s not the person upstairs, dearie. That’s one of the voices in your head. Now obey the voice and kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia…

    Jul 20, 2010 at 11:36 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   clumber

      Can I get a decision from the judge(mental)s on just how bad is it that I MUST thumb this comment without 1st checking who the PM of Malaysia is, or even if their head of state IS a PM?

      Jul 21, 2010 at 4:39 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Meesh

      shwonline, you can dere-lick my balls, cap-E-tan.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 7:55 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Mo®

      Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he’s a cool dude!

      Jul 21, 2010 at 8:52 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Bored at work ..

      Whatever, Han-sell-out.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 12:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Tracy Levine

      LOL @ the Zoolander reference

      Jul 21, 2010 at 6:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   mystic_eye

      Is it really sad that since someone suggested the leader of Malaysia might not be a PM I literally had to go look it up?

      Their Prime Minister is Najib Tun Razak in case you were wondering.

      However their Supreme Ruler/King is Yang di-Pertuan Agong who is also elected.

      I don’t remember learning about elected monarchies and why a place with an elected monarch would also need a Prime Minister completely eludes me. Or why you would run for a ceremonial role?

      Jul 22, 2010 at 2:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Number one has bigger problems than bird droppings…she thinks she’s Jesus.

    Jul 21, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Froget menot

    “Gone to Copacabana to work on our photosynthesis, left some carbon dioxyde in the oven for you.
    Enjoy.

    The Plants

    Jul 21, 2010 at 2:12 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Canthz_B bang

      “Why”? “I” think I know.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 3:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   wright1

    I do wonder… is notewriter #1 one of those folks who are horrified to find out that the outside world is DIRTY?!?! Dust and pollen blowing, dead leaves on their spotless cement, the occasional bird pooping on their precious-green-snowflake spider plant???

    Or… is she (passive-aggressively) coping with a situation where the bird-lovers upstairs are pouring out enough seed for every cute feathered / fuzzy-tailed freeloader for blocks around, and her patio is plastered off-white with guano?

    Jul 21, 2010 at 3:17 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   The Elf

      Nah, if it was the off-white deck she would have said it. This woman doesn’t sound like the kind of woman who holds back or understates.

      She’s just shocked that birds poop.

      Jul 21, 2010 at 9:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Froget menot

    The lady downstairs ?
    I .. well you know tarantulah eggs in er cactus , and all.

    Jul 21, 2010 at 3:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Froget menot

      approximately translating to french:

      “T’as une mygale dans le yucca ? ou quoi ?”
      ” La pauvre …elle a une araignée au plafond !”

      Jul 21, 2010 at 3:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dateline will be doing a plant molestation/harassment piece very soon.

    Jul 21, 2010 at 7:14 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Mo®

      What are you planning on doing with that leaf oil? Why don’t you have a seat over there and talk to me.”

      Jul 21, 2010 at 8:54 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   oi bang

    Plant lady is nuts. bird dropping makes for an excellent fertilizer. they do right?

    Jul 21, 2010 at 11:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Froget Menot

    Absolutely..

    ..GUANO……what else !??

    Jul 21, 2010 at 12:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   TeacherLady

    Damn! I hate it when plants are getting more action than me!

    Jul 21, 2010 at 1:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Guy

    This is Guy (the neighbor of the harassed plants/lady). It just got so much funnier. The people upstairs moved the feeder over a couple of feet so it was over the opening into the courtyard instead of where she kept her plants. The next day she stepped out into the courtyard with her laundry and a bird shit on her head.

    Jul 21, 2010 at 6:52 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   WMDKitty

      Karma is a bitch!

      Jul 22, 2010 at 1:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   TippingCows

      Did she complain about that too or did she shut up after that?

      Jul 22, 2010 at 3:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   jayskinner70

      Best follow-up I’ve heard in a while. Good to know that the universe has a keen sense of humor.

      Jul 22, 2010 at 7:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    I try really hard not to mess with crazy folks.

    Jul 21, 2010 at 9:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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