It’s my pity party, and I’ll whine if I want to

July 25th, 2010 · 62 comments

If I had to choose the one thing I hate most about Facebook, I think it would have to be how it’s normalized the narcissistic idea that the day you were born (and increasingly the entire week/month leading up to it) is somehow an annual event of earth-shattering importance…and (part two), how it has turned into a venue for people who share that idea to host their own pity parties, like so:

wow. Thanks to all the family members that didn't wish me a happy birthday. That's nice. I'll remember that next year when it's your birthdays.

Of course, some of those people prefer the prematurely pissy approach — this message, for example, was apparently posted at 10:50 the day before her birthday:

[redacted] is wondering who would show up to my funeral because obviously my wedding and birthday aren't important enough. Thanks to those who do care though.

But on Facebook, the “proactively setting the bar low” approach (as opposed to proactively setting the bar high) might yield better results…that is, if your friends still pity you enough to put with your juvenile bullshit.

Because you can't be there, or because you don't care to be, when [redacted] turns another year older. Because it's easier than spending time with her, and you feel less guilty than RSVPing

related: “I received 25 bday wishes out of 473 Facebook friends.”

FILED UNDER: birthday · cry me a freaking river · Facebook · grow up · guilt trip · martyr complex

62 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Quite Contrary

    We only get to pick one thing we hate about Facebook?

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   nasoccermom

      I love fb, it let’s me make smartass random comments to people that I would most certainly never see again. lately I’ve been into posting christopher cross videos on people’s walls. he’s simply magical.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 6:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   Leah

    I have a personal policy – if I don’t remember your birthday without the aid of Facebook, you don’t get a Facebook birthday message from me.

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Meesh

      I agree with that. Also, there is no chance I’m remembering your kid’s birthday, so don’t expect a wall post then.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 8:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Gunderson

    Lime disease?!??! Do you put it with the coconut?

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Madrias

      That particular version you get in the coconuts.

      Jul 25, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Kathleen

      Lime disease, I believe, is something you get from consuming too many tequila shots in one evening (for the cool people that prefer lime over lemon).

      Jul 26, 2010 at 8:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   HandyMarigolds

      Symptoms include bellyache. Treatment requires calling the doctor, waking him up, and putting the lime with the coconut and drinking them both together.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 1:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Maas

      I think Lime Disease is mainly a concern for his or her arboreal friends of the citric persuasion.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 4:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Auntybron

      I thought drinking too much tequila gave you worms… well, one, anyway.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 10:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Nack

    I have a theory about this, it’s mostly people who haven’t gotten to the part of life where you just don’t give a crap about your birthday, other than you survived another year. If you care about it more than that, you’re seriously vain.

    Though, on the other side of that coin, if you “love” someone, you ought to remember the day they were born at the very least. If you can’t take the time to do that in some small way (and FB is a small way…) what kind of loved one are you?

    All that said: Whining will just make me remember why I forgot your birthday last year.

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Taosaur

    I can’t say I see NO drama / whining / attention-whoring among my facebook friends, but shit like this makes me glad for all the people I DON’T know on Facebook.

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

      Be judicious who you let friend you.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 8:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   not gen anything

      Some of my “friends” on facebook are kept merely for their humor potential, and the expectation that someday they’ll say something STFU worthy.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 9:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   as

    most bday wishes on facebook are from people I don’t know or from people who want an excuse for something to say.

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   shesajem

    Unfortunately a close friend of mine is no longer a friend because the only effort she could muster up for my birthday was a facebook wall post and an email – this is after she forgot my birthday last year and promised me this year she would make me a special present! What a little sh*t!

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Somebody Somewhere

      Please tell me you’re joking.

      If you base your friendships on whether people remember to honor you each year, you need to reevaluate your priorities.

      Jul 25, 2010 at 11:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   G

      What are you, 12?

      Jul 25, 2010 at 11:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Sean Jungian

      If I’d only known it was so easy to get rid of parasitic “friends”! But then again, I never get anyone anything for their birthday unless they are under 12 or over 70.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 12:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   strangelove bang

      Shesajem’s comment is definitely a joke, not real: a funny send-up of the navel-gazing narcissism that pervades contemporary culture in certain sectors. To no longer be a friend to a “close friend” because he or she only wished you well on your birthday via two immediate communications, but failed to also make a special present for you?

      Not that I doubt there are people capable of such mind-blowing self-involvement. Also, even if he or she was 12, that’s no excuse – who demands made presents from their friends, particularily for something as banal as a birthday (we all have ‘em, every year, hundreds of millions of us every day. It’s really not a big deal), or they are *not friends*? That person is not subscribing to PAN, or bothering to join & post. She is gazing at her reflection in the mirror, wondering why everyone is such a little sh*t and not massaging her ego more with gifts and money.

      Unless shesajem got drunk, in which case the effort is worthwhile just to scream this injustice to the world! But I don’t buy it.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 3:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   abacus

      More like millions. You might get away with saying “tens of millions,” although it’s not as many as two tens of millions on an average day.

      But that’s okay; you can still make a good point even if you suck at math.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 7:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   Maas

      I’m not sure that “suck at math” is the phrase to use. While it may be true, it seems more likely that the previous poster simply decided not to do the math (which is what I am doing now rather than evaluating the figures to see who’s right).

      Jul 26, 2010 at 5:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.7   mamason bang

      …massaging her ego more with gifts and money…

      I prefer having my tits massaged more with gifts and money. I like oral for my ego.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 5:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.8   Canthz_B bang

      Approx. 19,178,000/day assuming no seasonal peaks and valleys. ;-)

      Jul 26, 2010 at 7:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.9   Kaybes

      Are you sure this isn’t my former best friend posting? She absolutely freaked because I didn’t post “early enough” about her birthday and because I didn’t call her on her birthday to wish her a birthday – even though I did post on FB a happy birthday message. And when I would have called her to say happy birthday, she was out with her friends in the city she lives in thousands of miles away. Went absolutely ballistic. What a pain in the butt. We’re still not speaking.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 8:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.10   Kaybes

      And I almost forgot…she was also upset because I wasn’t “happy enough” with gift she got me for my birthday. I guess saying “Thank you!” wasn’t enough…maybe I needed to add more exclamation marks.

      Jul 27, 2010 at 11:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.11   Laney

      I know people like that. You have to act over-the-top happy that they were so generous to have thought of you. Then they ask every 3 minutes for the next few hours whether or not you REALLY liked it or were just saying so. Then they beat themselves up, saying they are such a failure for giving you something you obviously didn’t like.

      It’s not a coincidence we see my mother-in-law only once every 2 years.

      Jul 29, 2010 at 2:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   whatthe?

    Being a Facebook “friend” means nothing. I even forgot my real life Mums birthday this year. I also won the worst daughter of the year award as well.

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   JetJackson

    Never underestimate the social political capital built up through wishing random people on Facebook a ‘Happy Birthday’. Personally I am saving for a messy divorce. One day I will appear on someone’s doorstep unshaven and disheveled to exchange my Facebook birthday credits for a couple of nights sleeping on their couch and raiding their refrigerator.

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Pterosaur

      Facebook’s newest annoying, invasive, life-sucking game: DivorceVille! Pressure your “friends” to join the fun today!

      Jul 26, 2010 at 7:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Mo®

    “Happy birthday, way to wreck mom’s vajayjay for me and drain my bank account.
    Love, Dad”

    Jul 25, 2010 at 10:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   surrahsurrah bang

    I just become overly concerned with the validity of my birthday in regard to leap years

    Jul 25, 2010 at 11:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   MAMARILLA2 bang

    I think that note number two just guaranteed him/her self a large turnout for their funeral…I know I wouldn’t mind going. The sooner the better.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 12:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   isis

    ‘lime disease’


    Jul 26, 2010 at 2:04 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   bowloftoast bang

      Don’t laugh…it’s the main reason i stopped drinking Corona.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 4:01 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    I plan to die on March 19, 2057.

    Your presence at my memorial service would be greatly appreciated.
    Services will be held on March 23, 2057.

    Please RSVP by September 15, 2012 so I know whether or not to waste 45 years being your friend.

    Your current and possibly future friend,


    Jul 26, 2010 at 2:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   strangelove bang

      I will come to your memorial, CB, and we don’t even know each other! However, close friends of yours will forget, or be unable to skip their Zumba exercise class. People are funny that way.

      Live large until then.

      (And no worries, I’m not just saying this for the promise of the next 45 years of getting to be your friend, I just think it would be kickass. Thanks for the heads-up).

      Jul 26, 2010 at 3:28 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Baubo bang

      I would attend, but I am sure my Farmville crops will be ready for harvest around that time. Also, I will have received an energy pack for Mafia Wars…. =D

      Jul 28, 2010 at 10:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Froget Menot

    ” Fee haff weys to make you vish uz err rhappy pirth-day”

    Lord Haw-Haw .

    Jul 26, 2010 at 4:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    Fuck all the philosophizing…kneel before CB on October 10th, lest the world stop turning.
    Know my power, or risk my wrath! :-P

    Jul 26, 2010 at 5:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Froget Menot

      yeah .. grooooovy
      Free scorpio bites on october 10th !

      Jul 26, 2010 at 6:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   DanielMac

    Lime disease sounds fucking delicious.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 5:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   jayskinner70

      But, more importantly, how does it TASTE?

      Jul 26, 2010 at 8:20 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Guy

    We never celebrated my parents birthdays when I was a kid, but in the 30+ years since I left home, I think my sisters have started making a bigger deal out of them.
    One year, I called my Mom on Sunday (like I have for years) and she mentioned that two of my sisters had brought her flowers. I said, “Did someone die?” and she said, “No. It’s my 75th birthday.”
    In my defense, I did feel like crap about it, but I’d just gotten in the habit of the family not celebrating.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 5:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   HappyNat

      Awesome story, bro.

      Jul 26, 2010 at 7:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Froget Menot

    If you go by the face (value), the Book shall close .
    Draft dodgers Unite !

    Jul 26, 2010 at 7:51 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   MasterProp

    Ironically, I removed my birthdate from Facebook so I *didn’t* get my wall cluttered with birthday wishes from people I hardly know IRL.

    I don’t get why people get so pissy about it… crazy.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 8:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   Rachet

    I have lime disease!

    Oh…no…wait, I’m just allergic to limes.

    Doesn’t make me anti-social, either. Just careful about my alcoholic drinks.

    So…never mind.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 10:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   RP

    Gawd, I hate it when people whine for attention on FB! Have any of you seen that “Let’s see who’s paying attention…re-post this to your wall” bullshit that’s been floating around?

    Jul 26, 2010 at 12:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   HandyMarigolds

      Reposts of any kind are an IQ test. “Only ten percent of people will be brave enough to regurgitate this logical fallacy about this political issue.” Sure, pumpkin. Sure, you’re “brave.”

      Jul 26, 2010 at 1:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   Canthz_B bang

      That’s a good question to ask, RP…on Facebook.

      Jul 27, 2010 at 2:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #23   HandyMarigolds

    I’m especially fond of the new trend, wherein grown men and women gloat about “my birthday weekend!” or “my birthday week!” Thus commences several days’ worth of posts about “I love birthdays! Not gonna lie!” followed by what I can only assume is obsessive reloading to see if anyone has paid any attention yet.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 1:51 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #24   Citric

    Hell, I didn’t even look on Facebook on my own birthday. I was too busy diggin’ ditches and bangin…you know.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 2:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #25   seacurs

    Someone with lime disease should marry someone with lemon disease. Then they should name their children Sprite, 7-up, and Sierra Mist.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 2:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #26   T.U.M.

    Now he’ll have to remember their birthdays, so he’ll know what day not to wish them a happy birthday on.

    Jul 26, 2010 at 3:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #27   TeacherLady

    Dear PAN,
    Thank you so much for remembering my birthday. Oh wait a minute, you didn’t. I know you don’t know my name or where I live or anything other than I might be a teacher, but you should really understand how important December 1st is in the grand scheme of things. I’m not trying to be a bitch or anything, but I’m putting you all on notice until my next birthday. If I don’t get any wishes then, that’s it, I’m done with all you losers!
    TeacherLady :)

    Jul 26, 2010 at 6:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   TeacherLady

      Oh yeah, can you please look into doing something about the dish situation? The sink is growing stuff.
      TeacherLady :)

      Jul 26, 2010 at 6:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   TeacherLady

      One more thing,
      I paid my own money for that patio furniture and the toilet paper, please don’t use either one. It isn’t my fault that I have a job and you do.
      TeacherLady :)

      Jul 26, 2010 at 7:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #28   Meisha

    Hilarious. I share the same sentiments. I’ve never considered a birthday as anything more that just the day you were born. Facebook makes people feel like they are obligated to tell each other happy birthday. After all, the reminder is right there. They cease to realise that if you are important to someone, they will call or send a text, and if you are not important then they could just as easily overlook the reminder. It won’t kill them, or you, if they don’t. I’m sure of it.

    Jul 27, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #29   FibberMcGee

    Two things…

    a) I agree FB places TOO MUCH pressure on us re: birthdays. A wall full of meaningless HB’s just depresses me. I think, “All these people wouldn’t have said happy birthday if FB didn’t tell ‘em to!”

    b) Generally, the FB Birthday “Birthday Fest” posts irritate me. But, a friend was out of work for a while and all last December his FB page was filled with the Month of James stuff that linked to a web site he made ( It’s pretty funny. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me posting it because he’s a radio guy and made it to poke fun at people that think their birthday is the end all be all of birthdays.

    Or because he’s an attention whore.

    Jul 27, 2010 at 9:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #30   Fanboy Wife

    Aren’t posts like these a good reminder it’s time to prune one’s “friend” list?

    Jul 28, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #31   Baubo bang

    According to the attention seekers of this PAN, I should really be pissed as my own husband did not take the time to post a Happy Birthday on my FB. I should definately unfriend him and put him on ignore. I guess he was too busy telling my Happy Birthday in person.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 10:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


Comments are Closed