“Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the darndest threats!”

July 27th, 2010 · 84 comments

For the folks who found yesterday’s “do not come in” post a bit too “kids say the darndest things” precious, I figured I’d better even things out with a look at what happens when those neglected jealous siblings grow up…and get armed.

Exhibit A, spotted by Heather at a gas station in Gastonia, North Carolina

Attention thieves, rogues & no work scum: I sleep here (2) nights a week. Guess which two? My .50 cal 8 1/2 in. barrels and mean male rottweiler dog will be here to greet you. Love, Tom

Exhibit B, which Steve found pinned to a tree in Athens, Ohio (where, while visiting friends, he stumbled upon the property of the local necrophiliac farmer)

NO TRESPASSING I fuck dead people! Trespass here and I'll be fucking you too! xoxo

And lastly, Exhibit C, spotted by Dex outside a “fairly dilapidated” house in Raleigh, North Carolina

1. No loitering or trespassing on this side if I catch you I will hurt you. 2. NO TRESPASSING 3. Ignore this if you want to

related: The right to bear fruit

FILED UNDER: crazypants · die bitch die · gas station · more aggressive than passive · North Carolina · not-so-veiled threats · Ohio · signed with love · xoxo


84 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Punkypower

    Ohhh, Rottweiler DOG…thanks for the clarification.

    Jul 27, 2010 at 11:10 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Kat

      I’m also glad he pointed out it was a MALE rottweiler dog. Because their…. teeth are pointier? Or something? I don’t even know, man.

      I’d rather not be bitten by a dog of either sex.

      Jul 27, 2010 at 11:16 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   AuntyBron

      The males will hump your leg as they bite you on the ass.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 12:01 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   MsChilePepper

      At least he spelled it correctly, instead of calling it a Rockwilder.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Wade bang

    Wait. He has 8.5 inch Southern California barrels?

    Jul 27, 2010 at 11:17 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Worker 11811

      The only .50 cal. gun I know with an 8-1/2 inch barrel is the Desert Eagle pistol. The Desert Eagle has not been made with a barrel like that in years.

      Frankly, I think he’s fibbing about the size of his “gun.” ;)

      Jul 27, 2010 at 11:56 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Serenity

      Well, he could be fibbing, but he could also have owned it for several years… guns don’t tend to have an expiration or “best if used by” date on them ;)

      Jul 28, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   mamason bang

      Don’t all men fib about the size of their “guns”?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 6:53 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Worker 11811

      My point was that the pistol is rare. Yes, he could be a firearms collector.

      But it is rare for men to have guns that big. It’s also rare for them to have firearms that big, too.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   much to my chagrin

      Sadly, when men say something is 8 1/2 inches it’s usually an exaggeration.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Meesh

      Wait, what are we talking about?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   mamason bang

      The main reason women are poor judges of distance.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:56 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   Mo® bang

      The Smith and Wesson model 500 is a .50 caliber revolver that shoots the .500 S&W Magnum. It is available with 4″, 8.38″, and 10.5″ barrels.
      http://www.smith-wesson.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Category4_750001_750051_757771_-1_757767_757751_image

      Jul 28, 2010 at 11:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   Woman on the Verge bang

      Loving Tom used the word “rogues” yet sleeps in the garage two nights a week? Is he working on his GED?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   Worker 11811

      Mo®,

      You’re right. S&W does make a .50 cal handgun.

      But my gun is bigger! :D

      Jul 29, 2010 at 12:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.11   chrys

      I couldn’t believe a Gastonian used the word rogue. Sadly, I’m from there, and it’s the kind of place known for it’s undereducated, white-trash residents.

      Jul 29, 2010 at 5:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.12   Mrs. Basil Marceaux

      Well, since Sarah Palin has “gone rogue”, we should probably expect more undereducated white-trash usage of that word.

      Jul 31, 2010 at 11:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   crumplet

    In case you didn’t know Tom’s Rottweiler DOG f**ks dead people too, just makes it a whole lot easier if it’s a male.

    Jul 27, 2010 at 11:36 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   JetJackson

    Well now we all know a place to go in Ohio if we get a bit toey and strike out at the bar…

    Jul 27, 2010 at 11:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   strangelove bang

    I dunno … Tom may just be socially awkward, and this is his clumsy attempt to make friends:

    1) He invites us to guess which nights he sleeps here. That sounds friendly!
    b) He let’s us know he’s a gun enthusiast, which is a fun hobby, and has a mean rottie, which could be like sick, or kick-ass, you know – vernacular for a sweet dog.

    All this is here to great you! He might be reaching out to thieves, rogues, and no work scum because the first have flexible hours, and the latter two have all the time in the world. And who hasn’t been a rogue, or imagined themselves as one?

    I think Tom is a romantic (esp. with his choice of the word “rogues,” that’s a clue, and “scum” too, it signals that he’s down-to-earth, a little jeux de mots). But signing it with love? Who signs with love but those open to new relationships?

    I’d suggest to anyone near Tom to show up with a six-pack, or a nice pinot noir, and take the evening from there.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 12:47 am   rating: 56  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   wright1

      Sure. And with an invitation like that, don’t bother knocking; just have at the doorknob with hammer and chisel. He’s a dog and gun owner; he’s used to loud noises at odd hours…

      Jul 29, 2010 at 4:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Nack

    How is any of this passive aggressive? I find this full on, 50 caliber aggressive!

    And I fully support it.

    Oh wait, maybe that part about no-work-scum is passive…

    Jul 28, 2010 at 12:53 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   TheOldSchool

    There must be a mistake. All three of theses signs seem North Carolinian.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 1:17 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Meesh

      No, no. You can tell that the second one’s not from North Carolina. Good Christians DO NOT curse.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   aaa bang

      What about the bad Christians?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 1:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Mo® bang

      They slay their enemies and begat a lot.
      Soooo ummm yeah fighting and fucking, that is what they do.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   aaa bang

      Sounds like my pet cockroaches. Except they can’t swear. Although it sounds like they could be trying to say “shit” when they force air out their spiracles…

      Jul 28, 2010 at 4:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Froget Menot

    Dear Tom,
    Thank you for your numerous contributions to our litterary contest.Your ode is a gas ! but may i suggest you fuel in a few rhymes to impregnate and ignite the essence of your poem ? Something like

    Thieves rogues and no work scum
    Coming all the way from Rhum
    This oak is my alter home
    Stranger i love to welcome,
    Taste this gun/dog epithome

    Sincerely,

    Edna Grotowsky, editor.
    Gastonia’s Weekly .

    Jul 28, 2010 at 3:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Froget Menot

    Due to impaired vision + disabling frenchitude
    i have trouble identifying the twin blue things at the bottom of sign 3 , after a sleepless night,i came up with
    Kids socks size 33 ? baby blue
    Suppositories ? Brand 33
    Upside down dead Pluto’s ears ,1933 ?
    Finger-baseball bats , lavender glazed.?

    This is nerve racking.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 3:33 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   jayskinner70

      That’s a small drawing of a couple of baseball bats. 33″ is the length of the bat.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 6:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Froget Menot

      Much obliged, Jay :)

      Jul 28, 2010 at 9:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Froget Menot

    Sign 2

    This one is the tree thats hides the forest !

    Jul 28, 2010 at 3:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   team sass bang

    Sign 2 is almost kind of tempting. It’s been a while since … uhm… *shame* I can’t finish that lol.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 6:08 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   team sass bang

      And I think the baseball bats are 33 inches long. That’s my input for that debate.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 6:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   RandyinReon

      He’s definitely referring to one of the bruise brothers, Jose Canseco (#33). This confirms that:
      a) He’s sporting a mullet
      b) He loves the muscley men
      c)He has a little wiener.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 10:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   mamason bang

    Sign number two sounds like the trailer for the porno version of The Sixth Sense.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 6:57 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Meesh

      “Grandma says ‘hi.’”

      “What are you talking about, Cole? You’re scaring me.”

      “She says she’s sorry for taking the bumble bee pin.”

      “We talked about lying. How could you know that?”

      “I saw the pin on her shirt WHILE I WAS SKULL FUCKING HER CORPSE!”

      Ew… I shouldn’t post thi–

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:13 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   That Random Chick

      Yuck. That was over the line, even for PAN standards.
      Seek professional help.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   much to my chagrin

      No it wasn’t. Ever hear of a guy named Claw?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:48 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   aaa bang

      Whatever happened to claw? Did he just disappear into the dark of the interwebs without a sound?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 1:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   mamason bang

      I have him tied up in my basement. He needed some special attention.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 1:51 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   Mo® bang

      He lurks and howls down there…

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   mamason bang

      It’s more like cowering…

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.8   aaa bang

      Mama, how could you? And without sharing film with any of us. I’m hurt…

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.9   Woman on the Verge bang

      I’m telling claw that you are talking about him. He likes it when I go all tattletale for him. Just you wait.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.10   claw71 bang

      Well, I never. My posts have always been reverent, classy and in good taste.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:01 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.11   mamason bang

      I’m not scared of claw. *runs to make sure the duct tape and ropes are holding*

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.12   Woman on the Verge bang

      I lurve you, claw.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.13   Mo® bang

      Mamas goin’ to get it in the end!

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.14   Clumber

      I hereby swear to thumb-up Mamason every single time i see her comments… for as long as she keeps Claw… ummm… keeps Claw…. “distracted”.

      (runs and hides and thinks of her happy place…)

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.15   mamason bang

      THIS IS NOT A DRILL! cLAW HAS ESCAPED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

      *Dammit, claw! Did you take my drill?*

      Jul 28, 2010 at 4:03 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.16   April Grill bang

      Mamason, as usual, you’re wit has made me gafaw!

      Jul 28, 2010 at 10:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.17   mamason bang

      April, April, April. You go, Grill.

      Oooh, that’s what you meant when you said you had a surprise for me, Mo! Well. I guess the cat’s out of the bag so, don’t forget the lube this time.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 11:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.18   wright1

      Aww, how sweet that someone’s been giving Claw the attention he deserves…

      Jul 29, 2010 at 4:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Boy, they’re not very forgiving of those who trespass against them, are they?
    Makes you wonder what tempted them to post the signs.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 6:59 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   park rose

      Never mind. Comment edited. My mind isn’t in gear yet (we were talking about being nekkid, weren’t we?).

      Jul 28, 2010 at 12:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   mamason bang

      mmmmm… aren’t we always?

      Jul 28, 2010 at 2:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   BennyD

    Thanks Heather for sharing a sign that I have come to love for years! I frequent this gas station and am always curious what Tom has to say…

    Ben

    Jul 28, 2010 at 7:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Froget Menot

      @ Benny
      please kindly enlighten us , that is if theres ever was a why.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 7:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Pterosaur

    My rogue has a passive Stealth of 26 and a +2 Challenge-Seeking Dagger. I bet that I could take him. His mean male Rottweiler dog looks like a minion, too.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 7:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   April Grill bang

      Are your daggers properly poisoned for this instance? If not, I bet I have some in the guild bank! Ok, gave myself away as a gamer.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 10:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Froget Menot

    and this corpse was fucking deadlicious.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 7:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Karnivax

    I’m glad to see Tom take aim at those shiftless unemployed folks. Talk about a drain on society!

    Jul 28, 2010 at 8:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Mindfield

    Could someone explain that last sign to me? I get the one on the support beam, but on his front door is a No Tresspassing sign underneath which is a handwritten sign that appears to say, “Ignore this if you want to…”

    So … what, if you DO make it past that first sign, you are now free to ignore the sign and trespass as you please? Well thank you neighbor, don’t mind if I do.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 8:41 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Karnivax

      The first sign helps to weed out the weaklings. Only the strongest and most genetically superior of trespassers is allowed entry.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 8:59 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Froget Menot

      Or could be “Ignore this if you want to …”
      These terror dots suggesting symbolically
      “Get near enough to fill in the blank space ” by crawling to the door to indulge in creative writing with arm stretched without getting hamburgered or warmly contributing to lighting up my barbedcue while i watch you through the keyhole of my madness.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 10:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Ann

    The last one is creepy, in a Silence of the Lambs way- what’s s/he got to hide so badly?

    Jul 28, 2010 at 9:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Mo® bang

      Not everyone wants to see him dancing around in his “borrowed skin” suit.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 12:17 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Froget Menot

      “Shhhhhhshh I can smell your ….oh nooo i cant!

      Jul 28, 2010 at 12:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Froget Menot

    The guy s name is Tom Smith
    he adopted his dog Wesson as a baby.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 9:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   GhostWriter bang

    It’s easy to guess which two nights he sleeps there.

    The non-stop sound effects from NES Duck Hunt can be heard a half mile away.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 9:54 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Clumber

      that damn dog….

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   aaa bang

    Can I loiter and trespass on the other side?

    Jul 28, 2010 at 1:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Shannon

    I think we’re missing the big issue. Why the crap is that guy sleeping at a gas station for 2 nights a week?

    Jul 28, 2010 at 1:44 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Froget Menot

    I think it may be his idea of playfulness
    Constantly switching his 2 days of presence
    in order to mindfuck the enemy.
    Cat/mouse trip ? Ubiquity ?
    Honk ! honk ! ..fill er up Lucifer ?

    Jul 28, 2010 at 2:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   mamason bang

    Testosterone-fueled Wackjobs… my new band name.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 2:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Clumber

      A bit heavy on the syllables… perhaps that could be the album title. Band name Ubiquity Mindfuck?

      Always remember to save at least 2 of your top-tier songs off your 1st album. Avoid the sophomore jinx 2nd album!

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   claw71 bang

    These wouldn’t be in Mel Gibson’s neighborhood would they? It seems that a recurring theme in his movies is a desire to fuck the object of his anger. In the director’s cut of Lethal Weapon 2 he actually butt rapes Gary Busey for 10 minutes in the final fight scene.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 3:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Mo® bang

      That was Gary Busey’s butt!?!? I thought it was the other end.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Clumber

      I doubt even he knows the difference anymore, Mo®.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 3:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Froget Menot

      …. Make my day …

      Jul 28, 2010 at 4:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   mamason bang

      I thought he looked a bit different, butt his breath was the same.

      Jul 28, 2010 at 6:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Neeners

    I think Tom is sweet. He clearly is seeking companionship as he invites us to love him at the end of his blathering, murderous, threatening note.

    I feel strangely closer to him and if I wasn’t trying to break in and steal him blind, we might have been close friends.

    Jul 28, 2010 at 7:15 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Wrench

    The other sign on the last one: “Ignore this if you want to.”

    Sooo… it’s only trespassing if I’m there against my will? Gotcha.

    Jul 29, 2010 at 8:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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