Entries from July 2010

The bathroom battle of the sexes…a true race to the bottom.

July 21st, 2010 · 79 Comments

Though your attention might have drifted ever so briefly, I’d like to reassure you that the ongoing debate over which restrooms (men’s or women’s) are the foulest continues to rage on — and yes, it’s as nauseating as ever!

I literally received these two submissions — the first from an EMT school in Massachusetts, the second from a non-profit in D.C. — within minutes of each other. Mere coincidence? Or a cosmic clue from the Internet gods that it was time for a showdown between “Angulated Rectum Guy” and “The Queen of Diahrriah?” Okay, that was a gimme. The real question: who would you rather share a loo with?

Exhibit A) as witnessed by Josh in Fall River, Mass.

Hey...... There is no Excuse for leaving the toilet covered in Feces (that is shit in case you didn't know). So...... Whoever is the guy with the angulated Rectum... Please do one of the following: A. Sit down on the seat... it is clean, we pay a cleaning staff! B. See a Dr. ... You have a problem! C. Clean up after yourself! Non of us should be exposed to it..

Exhibit B) From an anonymous bystander in College Park, Maryland

PLEASE CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF'S!

related: And you thought college students were foul…

Tags: bathroom · bold-underlined-caps · D.C. · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Massachusetts · obnoxious definition · office · shit · spelling and grammar police · that's disgusting · toilet

Excuse me, I’m here to file a restraining order on behalf of my house plant

July 20th, 2010 · 40 Comments

“My next-door neighbor has some problems with controlling her rage,” says Guy in Austin. So when the apartment manager wouldn’t force her upstairs neighbors to take down their bird feeder — on the grounds that the resulting bird crap from above constituted plant harassment — she wasn’t about to let the issue drop quietly.

I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.
I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.

Meanwhile, Lucas brings us this report of a uncontrollable botanophile on the loose at his office in Toronto.

Stop molesting my plant! (I can't help it, it feels so good!)

Tags: Austin · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · neighbors · rebuttals · smartass · Toronto

The 53rd Annual Punctuation Posse Round-up

July 19th, 2010 · 113 Comments

If you’d like to join a vigilante punctuation posse or a grassroots typography militia, Washington State might be the place for you.

In one Seattle suburb, for example, an underground group has targeted a certain “JS,” who sources say “has some serious control/micromanagement issues, and enjoys flaunting his power to tell people what to do a liiiittle too much. He also tends to find nasty ways to get revenge on people who contradict him.”

Please leave out apostrophe's [sic] / symbols from customer names (commas - OK)  JS Please leave out apostrophes from plural nouns.

Elsewhere in Seattle, “office professionalism” seems to have no bearing on freedom of speech…as long as you use the right typeface, of course.

Please keep the door closed!!! Thank you!!! Please don't use Comic Sans — we are a Fortune 500 Company, not a Lemonade Stand.

related: Completely valid rebuttals

Tags: "too inside fucking baseball" · apostrophe catastrophe · awk abbrev · Comic Sans Alert · Helsinki · most popular notes of 2010 · music · not-so-veiled threats

God’s word is…well, a little confusing, at least for a 7-year-old.

July 18th, 2010 · 49 Comments

Larissa in Tacoma, Washington recently sent her 7-year-old son, Silas, to a week of Bible camp. When he came home, Larissa says, she wondered if the experience hadn’t left him a bit…conflicted…especially after seeing the pillow he made during craft time.

(“Rouls,” by the way, is not Silas’s last name. That’s the 7-year-old spelling of “RULES.”)

Silas [rules] —  God's Word is Comforting —  DOOM

Meanwhile, I can see how the sign below, from a candy store in Rayne, Louisiana — which I assume was intended to deter this theft — could easily send a particular type of child into a tailspin of religious guilt.

Is God smiling? How do I know if God’s smiling? Does God like chocolate? I don’t think chocolate’s in the Bible. But Proverbs says: ‘My child, eat honey, for it is good.’ So maybe I should get a Bit o’ Honey instead. But a Bit o’ Honey costs more than 50 cents, and Mom said I could only spend 50 cents. So then I’d be dishonoring my parents, and that wouldn’t make God happy. So maybe I should…maybe I should….[bursts into tears]

Remember...God is watching you. Is He smiling or is He sad?

related: What Would Jesus Do for a Klondike Bar?

Tags: candy · God · guilt trip · Jesus · kids · Louisiana · not so much passive-aggressive · retail hell · Tacoma

Daddy, why are all the cages empty?

July 15th, 2010 · 122 Comments

You’re a zookeeper. You’re sick of answering the same damn question all day long. How do you handle it?

Well, there’s the PC approach…

Our octopus has completed its life cycle. A new octopus will be here soon.

The pedantic approach…

Writes Sarah in Los Angeles:

And then there’s my personal favorite, the German approach.

Why did you feed me to death? Feeding our animals is forbidden! In remembrance of our Pony

(Thanks to Gina in Cincinnati, Sarah in Los Angeles, and Andrea in Berlin for their submissions!)

related: Don’t die; it’s expensive

Tags: animal welfare · Berlin · Deutsche · Kentucky · most popular notes of 2010 · New Jersey

Fetch. Roll over. DON’T SIT.

July 14th, 2010 · 75 Comments

Amanda in Charlestown, Mass. lives in a three-story home with an apartment on each floor and a shared patio out back. “Our downstairs neighbor is notorious for leaving us notes  — ‘Don’t slam the door,’ ‘The patio is not a storage area,’ etc. — but this note topped them all,” Amanda says. ”Oh, and she clearly cannot spell.”

Just wanted to let you guys know that I bought all the furnature [sic] out back. It is not for you to use. Thanks [redacted]

related: Thank you for not using my grill again

Tags: Massachusetts · neighbors · nice stationery · sharing is caring · spelling and grammar police

I am clearly too busy writing notes, so could somebody less important than me take care of this?

July 13th, 2010 · 63 Comments

One reason that notes of the do this/move this/clean this variety inspire so much ire among recipients is the fact that, more often than not, writing the note probably took more time and effort than it would have for the writer to just do/move/clean it themselves. (But of course, to the martyrs in the office, it’s always about the principle of the thing.) Office kitchens seem to be ground zero for this particular type of pettiness.

At Jacqueline’s workplace in San Francisco, for example, “someone left a clean mug on an empty counter” — an offense that was apparently too grave for one coworker to let slide without comment.

this is in the way

Meanwhile, in Ohio, our anonymous submitter came into work one morning to see this note “on a table with maybe two crumbs on it.” Her solution? “I took the picture, put the cleaning supplies away, and moved the note. Later, I was thanked for cleaning the table.”

SOMEONE...Please clean up this messy lunch table!

related: BAD SALAMI!

Tags: a little uptight · cleaning · office · Ohio · San Francisco

Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?

July 12th, 2010 · 40 Comments

So, according to Susan and Amber, there’s a creeper on the loose in Orlando, Florida…one who has a penchant for peering in the bathroom windows of his female neighbors. (In this case, a window that some brilliant architect decided to position essentially in the shower.)

If you can read this, stop staring in our windows, PERVERT!

Of course, there’s always another side to the story.

Stop standing in front of the window naked, EXHIBITIONIST.

So, how ever could Susan and Amber resolve this tomato/tomahto dispute (aside from, you know, buying curtains)? Dr. Tobias Fünke, never-nude, to the rescue!

Dr. Tobias Fünke, never-nude, to the rescue!

related: Be more private with yourself

Tags: "up for debate" · neighbors · note wars · Orlando

HOT FAKE TREND ALERT! “Bros slicing bros,” a.k.a. “hate-eating” Domino’s pizza

July 11th, 2010 · 61 Comments

So, you still haven’t tried “new taste of Domino’s Pizza,” despite the barrage of marketing dollars being spent encouraging you to do so?  Not to worry! I’ll save you the heartburn incurred by a certain food-filching WashU student and his victims.

Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls. (Oh, and to the Domino’s brand managers reading this: feel free to quote us on that!)

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

Explains Bridget in St. Louis: “There has been a quite nefarious food thief stealing from the dorm’s community refrigerator lately, and I should know, since my stuff has been taken too. There have been a couple of complaints posted to the fridge, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It was written on a napkin duct-taped to a pizza box that had been (rather hastily) stuffed in the refrigerator.”

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

related: My mum bought me that pizza!

extra credit: “New York Times Discovers New Trend: Bros Icing Bros” [gawker.com]

Tags: college life · die bitch die · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not-so-veiled threats · pizza · shameless meme-mongering · St. Louis · stealing

Sibling rivalry: the rift that keeps on giving

July 8th, 2010 · 41 Comments

Catie in Indianapolis was over at the house of her boyfriend’s family’s house when she spied this adorable-looking note on the fridge. Upon further investigation, she learned it was written by her boyfriend’s 7-year-old niece as a gift to her grandparents. Adds Catie: “I saw these girls in action over the weekend, and I think the fourth line actually overstates her feelings for her sisters.”

I love [Grandma] I love Mommy. I love Daddy. I like my sisters. I love [Grandpa].

I only hope the kid’s family holds on to her note until she’s old enough to be embarrassed/amused by her young self. As it happens, Sarah in Waco, Texas recently had the opportunity to do just that.

While cleaning out boxes after her grandmother passed away, she stumbled upon a thank you note she had written to her grandparents years earlier. (“In my defense,” Sarah says, “my brother never did write his own thank you note.”)

Dear Gramp and Gran, Thank you for the $20 (twonty) [sic] dollars you have me and Scotty. I don't know when Scott is making a Thank you note. Lots of Love, Sarah Lake (Wally's dauter [sic])

related: Dear Mommy, I love you…sometimes.

Tags: family · Indianapolis · nice stationery · siblings · signed with love · smiley · spelling and grammar police · Texas