Entries from August 2010

Who steals pens from disabled children???

August 31st, 2010 · 42 Comments

At Nat’s office in York, England, one of his coworkers has been trying to bully everyone into coughing up some cash for an (admittedly worthy) charitable cause.

In Nat’s opinion, however, her guilt-heavy fund-raising techniques might benefit from a little fine-tuning…especially given that all seven of those special “charity pens” were nicked from the office supply closet.

Seriously people, who keeps stealing pens (7 of them!) from a disabled=

related: Starve on!

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · a matter of taste · bar · confusion??? · guilt trip · Miami · MYOB · not wrong · office · office supplies · rebuttals · U.K.

In case of emergency…well, you’re on your own.

August 30th, 2010 · 72 Comments

In one of my clearest memories of first grade, I distinctly remember my teacher telling us, on the first day of school, that the bathroom in the back of the classroom was only for emergencies. For non-emergencies, we’d have to wait until lunchtime. In my six-year-old mind, however, “emergency” meant only one thing: “throwing up.”  And so, when I had to go, I held it. And held it. Until…well, I wasn’t holding it anymore.

That’s right: It actually took wetting my pants for me to learn that the word “emergency” means very different things to different people — a concept some people apparently still haven’t figured out.

It’s unclear, for example, what might constitute a “citrus emergency” at this Pleasanton, California optometrist’s office. (Perhaps a masochistic mandarin peeling itself?)

NO CUTIE FINGERS IN THE LAB! CUTIE FINGER BUSINESS CAN BE CONDUCTED OUTSIDE THE LAB UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY. THANK YOU.

You might think people would be a little more precise in their language on a military base. At Arizona’s Fort Huachuca, you’d only be about half right.

NO WALK-INS EXCEPT FOR EMERGENCIES SUCH AS DEATHS & PAYROLL PROBLEMS

At Gustavo’s new office building in Seattle, it only took about a week — and about a bazillion false alarms— before someone decided a little clarification was necessary. (Sorta sounds like something you’d expect from a classroom of first-graders, no?)

Do not push this button unless the building is on fire and it is a big fire. Thank you. -Floor 21

Meanwhile, Andrew in Cirencester, England only noticed this sign after pushing open one of his office’s alarmed fire doors (triggering a sudden and unforeseen occurrence — i.e., ear-shattering noise).

SECURITY NOTICE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY EXIT AND SHOULD ONLY BE USED IN AN EMERGENCY. THEREFORE, PLEASE DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY. THE MEANING OF THE WORD EMERGENCY IS AN UNFORESEEN OR SUDDEN OCCURRENCE. e.g. YOU OR OTHERS ARE IN DANGER AND NEED TO EXIT THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY.

related: Gee, thanks for the clarification

Tags: Arizona · California · CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · obnoxious definition · office · Seattle · U.K. · WTF?

The cycle of (not) recycling

August 29th, 2010 · 49 Comments

These notes — the first from on office in California, the second from an office in Arkansas — both seem like they’re following the same not-quite-finished flowchart for acceptable office paper usage.

Before you take a sticky... Could this be done in Notepad?? (or Text Edit) If not, recycle when you're done!

A FULL PAGE FOR THIS?? HEAR OF 'POST-IT NOTES'?

Really, you’re in for a scolding no matter what. And as our submitter Hannah noticed — in this bizarre exchange from the copy room at a school in Spartanburg, South Carolina — contrition only seems to further incense the office Paper Nazis.

I am sorry for wasting this paper. It's people like you that should be struck from the earth!!!

related: Nothing fosters community like shared networked printers!

Tags: Arkansas · California · confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · office · recycling · South Carolina

That’s…actually a totally reasonable request

August 26th, 2010 · 51 Comments

What’s frightening, of course, is that these things needed to be stated in the first place.

ATTENTION: Please stop urinating on the door handle. Thank you!

Please do not vomit on door

Smearing your bodily fluids on the fixtures is not socially acceptable. Please stop and learn some proper hygiene.

(Thanks to Jill in Des Moines, James in the U.K., and Heather and Eric in New York for submitting…and the kid from The Squid and the Whale for the, uh, inspiration.)

related: Apparently every office has someone with an insatiable need to spread the contents of their nose on the wall


Tags: actually totally reasonable · bodily fluids · hygiene · most popular notes of 2010 · piss · vomit · WTF?

If you thought your microwave was dirty…

August 25th, 2010 · 51 Comments

…then you obviously haven’t been introduced to the Houston, Texas model apparently gunning for the title of “the Dane Cook of household appliances.”

(For that, you can be thankful.)

STOP! Don't touch me there: these are my no-no squares. Don't put anything on top of me, only inside (foreplay isn't needed). Please keep me clean...Only your mom likes it dirty. Hugs & Kisses, Your Friendly Neighborhood Microwave

related: Microwave on the run!

Tags: anthropomorphism · cleaning · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Houston · microwave · most popular notes of 2010 · thanks (but not really) · touching

The Toilet Paper Ministry

August 24th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Hey, look — it’s almost the entire 12-step program in one note! I especially like the abridged version: “To the idiot who stole: the world is your oyster.”

To the idiot who stole the toilet paper from here (Upper left-hand drawer, to be be exact) I think its time you re-examined your life. Is your main goal in life to root through drawers looking for something to wipe your ass with, or is there something I'm missing? Sure, you might have gotten away clean (Pardon the pun), but you really have to ask yourself if this is what all your hopes and dreams turned out to be.

related: Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?

Tags: "helpful" advice · heart · Orange County · stealing · TL;DR · toilet paper

Service with a snarl

August 23rd, 2010 · 77 Comments

Fact: Working in a customer service position that necessitates long-term exposure to one’s fellow humans carries a significant risk of developing acute, potentially incurable, misanthropy. And if you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere, treatment is especially hard to find.

Exhibit a) From a roadside store in “the armpit of California, as witnessed on separate occasions by both Dirk and Danielle

We have no choice but to be here. We have already spent a fortune on this business. In order to run this business in the middle of nowhere it costs us a fortune. You have a choice to be a customer or not. Thank you for not complaining to our employees. We are here to serve you.

We have no choice but to be here. We have already spent a fortune on this business. In order to run this business in the middle of nowhere it costs us a fortune. You have a choice to be a customer or not. Thank you for not complaining to our employees. We are here to serve you.

Exhibit b) From a NON-fast food restaurant in the backwaters of Louisiana

Without any further notice: Prices subject to change without notifying the customer, yes you the customer. No refunds or exchange...once you order, once we start cooking,NO refunds or exchange. Includes anything in the store that's for sale. WE ARE NOT FAST FOOD WE ARE NOT FAST FOOD

Exhibit c) From a diner in a speck of a town called Endicott, Nebraska. (Adds submitter Jill: “They also have a stuffed two-headed calf!”)

Notice! This is not Burger King. You get it my way or you don't get the son-of-a-bitch at all

related: How’s that for a low price guarantee?

Tags: "customer service" · restaurant · retail hell

Live and not-so-active roommate culture

August 22nd, 2010 · 78 Comments

Elana in North Rustico, Canada spotted this tart exchange inside her friend Shannon’s fridge.

Shannon, no doubt hoping to avoid getting called out for interfering with her roommate’s yogurt supply, wrote the first note. Her roommate Michael, perhaps taking issue with the note’s mildly patronizing tone, fired back with his own written retort. And as for the yogurts? Yup, still in the fridge.

These yogurts expired July 24 Today is Aug 12. What should we do? Run for our lives

related: Who’s the smartass?

Tags: Canada · fridge · most popular notes of 2010 · rebuttals · roommates · smartass · yogurt

A thinly veiled tattletale

August 19th, 2010 · 27 Comments

While sorting through some old papers, Christina in Natick, Massachusetts was about to throw away this childhood note she had written to her Mom (and Dad too!), when her husband, Aaron, intervened. (Apparently no amount of coaxing could tease out exactly what horrible sin Paul committed, so feel free to speculate wildly.)

Dear Mom, Paul was not nice to me while you were away. I don't want to to tell you what he did because I love you very much. (Dad, too) Hope you had a good time, you know. Love, Christina P.S. Brigid is a pain right where I sit!

P.S. Hope you enjoyed it, you know.

related: Be sure to say goodbye forever

Tags: heart · kids · Moms & Dads · p.s. · siblings · signed with love

Could you spare a tissue for the lady?

August 18th, 2010 · 58 Comments

When Sal spotted this notice at an athletic clothing store in San Diego, he says that while he couldn’t quite picture how a tissue would get the job done in this situation — not to mention how this policy came to be —  “I figured it was best not to ask questions.”

Ladies...if you happen to have forgotten your undies, please ask us for a tissue. We would appreciate it if you didn't try on our apparel commando!

Meanwhile, when I first read this sign — from a club in Vancouver — my first thought was, “Well, that seems like a reasonable enough request.” Our submitter, Cherisse, begs to differ. “Sadly, there is no bathroom backstage,” she explains, ” wnd when a girl’s gotta go, sometimes the other end of the club is a long ways a way.” She adds: “If it wasn’t for the used paper towels being left outside, no one ever would have known.”

ATTENTION LADIES ANYONE CAUGHT PEEING OUT THE BACKDOOR WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY

So… like Sal, I’m gonna say it’s probably best not to ask too many questions about this one.

related: “Who leaves their panties in the bathroom at work?  Who does that?”

Tags: actually totally reasonable · bold-underlined-caps · hygiene · piss · retail hell · San Diego · Vancouver · WTF?