NEWS ALERT: Dark alley not the safest place to store your personal belongings

August 3rd, 2010 · 92 comments

Okay, dude, I really don’t want to kick you while you’re down — getting your scooter stolen definitely sucks. (Also, based on the rage level in your note, I think you’d probably kick back pretty hard.) And yet…I’m not really buying your framing of this as some kind of public service announcement.

For one thing, I’m guessing that if you took a poll of your neighbors (including Alex, our submitter) and asked, “Hey, did you know that if you leave your personal property in this alley, it could get stolen?!” I’m pretty sure most would respond with someone along the lines of, “Uh, no shit.” Just sayin’.

This Alley is a Magnet for Thieves! People steal shit out of this alley all the time! If you leave your shit in the alley IT WILL BE STOLEN! THIS IS A FUCKED UP NEIGHBORHOOD! Some asshole stripped down all the parts off of my two scooters! They stole over $1000 worth of parts! Why would you steal my scooter parts?  YOU'RE A FUCKING FILTHY THIEF! Congratulations on your fucked up life! Your mother raised a great child! Your parents are some special people!

related: Paintball punk is playing at my house (my house)

FILED UNDER: Denver · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not so much passive-aggressive · scooters & mopeds · stealing


92 responses so far ↓

  • #1   mamason bang

    I blame your parents for not teaching you that if people always steal shit from a place, then don’t leave your shit there. Way to go mom and dad.

    Aug 3, 2010 at 5:18 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   mamason bang

    I love how this ragefest deteriorates to such blatent whining.

    “Why would you take my scooter parts?” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! :cry:

    Aug 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Rush L.

      Its spelled B-L-A-T-A-N-T.
      FYI

      Aug 3, 2010 at 7:29 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   park rose bang

      The lucky thing , Rush L., is that registered posters usually have eternal edit.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 7:36 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Rush L.

      Man, you sure showed me.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 7:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Canthz_B bang

      Wow, “nieghborhood” was right there for the taking, and you went for “blatent”?
      And with only a bland spelling correction?

      How sad.

      SHIT! Now you’ve got me doing it…must be contagious. ;-)

      Aug 3, 2010 at 10:38 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   AuntyBron

      He went from towering rage to whine-fest to praising the thief. Sounds to me like he worked through his angst.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:14 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   TheOldSchool bang

      If I were the note writer, I’d try to make discreet inroads into the clandestine world of the stolen scooter parts dealing community.

      Then, after I discovered who amongst them was the nefarious alley rascal who had so brazenly purloined my scooter parts, I’d not only confront him with my note — I’d read it aloud to him, making certain he heard every single word.

      Scooter parts thieves aren’t immune to having their heart-strings gently tugged upon.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 1:39 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   Margot

      It’s spelled “it’s”, too, Rush…

      Aug 4, 2010 at 3:02 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   infant tyrone bang

      Nice echo effect there, Margot.
      The finer points may be lost on Rush.
      Pretty much anything smaller than an 11 gauge needle just won’t register.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 3:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   mamason bang

      Doh! Sorry for the spelling error. I usually proof read, but I was in a Rush!

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:20 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   benry

      Which one? Being inside some Rushes could be quite disorienting and unpleasant, I imagine. Hope you picked the right one!

      Aug 4, 2010 at 2:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.11   mamason bang

      The band.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.12   benry

      Whew, that was probably a wise choice, even if they are Canadian…

      Were they by any chance playing “Red Barchetta” as a tribute to the poor, stripped scooter from a better, vanished time?

      Aug 5, 2010 at 8:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   oi

    Did he staple his note somehow? How do you do that?!

    Aug 3, 2010 at 5:32 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   wright1

      Are you kidding? Fueled by such rage, he probably pushed the staples into that telephone pole with his TONGUE, oi!

      Aug 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   park rose bang

      Those Staples are a Magnet for Magnets!

      Aug 3, 2010 at 7:26 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   infant tyrone bang

      Torah Lura Lural (Israeli Folk Dance Remix)

      An eyebolt for an eyebolt
      A gear tooth for a gear tooth
      A magnet for a magnet

      Ashes to ashes
      Funk to funky
      We know
      Oh no
      Don’t say it’s true
      Hush now don’t you cry

      Bad downer for you
      They stripped your scooter for drugs?
      Hope theirs is better

      Aug 3, 2010 at 8:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   park rose bang

      The thing is that the Alley was also a Magnet for Magnet Thieves. The Magnet Alley Magnet Thieves Sting is well known in these parts.

      On the day of the sting, the dastardly villains who were daily repelled, yet somehow captivated, by the idea of showing their wares in the dark alley, who loitered at the notorious, dank mouth of the narrow street before scurrying on by, who felt nauseous if they even caught sight of one tiny piece of its macadamized gravel, well, they – the cautious and prudent, too chicken to enter – found themselves free to be felonious for yet another day.

      However, other scum-dwellers, as always, found themselves strangely compelled to enter the dark alley. They found its very dampness alluring, its putridity beguiling, its opaqueness more attractive than sweat glistening on the nape of a loved one’s neck. In other words, they felt they belonged, as if they had arrived home.

      They didn’t stand a chance. They were up against the wall before you could count to three, and the cops were waiting. In fact, some of the cops had magnets in their pockets, and a few had magnetized batons, which caused some of the thieves to murmur, “Is that a gun in your pocket, officer? Or are you just happy to see me?” Magnetized batons must be used with the greatest of care.

      Usually, once the transaction had taken place, the alley no longer held any charm for the magnet thieves and they left it as briskly as they had arrived, so it was prudent that the cops had acted quickly. The perps were in the slammer just as fast as they had been caught, almost as if drawn to it (which goes without saying for lowlife, really).

      Some called it fate. Some called it tough luck. Some praised the police force for quick wit and for cleaning up dark alley of magnet thieves one way or another.

      The moral of the story, because there should always be one, is take all your magnets out of your pocket before you enter an alley infamous for being a magnet, especially if you are a magnet thief. Or a teacher. Or from the Arctic or Antarctica. Polar bears are OK, though. And penguins. But not if they have their magnets or are charismatic in any way.

      Now, you can get back to your coffees, or wines, or whatever.
      The end.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 10:02 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   CTU

      There is one staple in two of the corners, with the other two corners having two staples. One of the vertical sides has a staple, while the other doesn’t, and there is a staple right in the middle.

      This stapling is not the work of a person in a rational frame of mind.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 8:59 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   glad

    But…what if the thief’s parents really are special? He stole the scooter parts because they needed them for their own scooters which broke down due to some asshole who cut them off in his own two scooters.

    Damn selfish note writer….*sniffs*

    Aug 3, 2010 at 5:37 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   shaniatwainHAY

      Yeah, that’s what happened…

      Anybody wanna buy some lightly used scooter parts?

      Aug 4, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   shaniatwainHAY

      Too blatent?

      Aug 4, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   TeacherLady

    PSA for angry note writer:
    “I” before “E” except after “C” and words that sound like neighbor and weigh.

    This PSA has been brought to you by Public Educators Against Angry Misspellings (PEA AM).

    Aug 3, 2010 at 6:13 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Limeliberator bang

      Well at least he said “thieves” instead of “thiefs.”

      Aug 3, 2010 at 7:49 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   TeacherLady

      Overall the grammar and spelling is good, which is why I think the ie/ei thing was out of anger. However, vowels don’t deserve to be your punching bag simply because you’re angry.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 8:32 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Speedracermom

      Yes, I was happy to read something written by somebody who knew the difference between your and you’re. I thought we had actually found a perfectly spelled paper, until I realized “neighborhood” was wrong, but I agree, it was probably due to his anger.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 9:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Wade bang

    They stole over $1000 worth of parts!

    Why would you steal my scooter parts?

    The notewriter is obviously a Jeopardy fan.

    Aug 3, 2010 at 6:25 pm   rating: 83  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   significant

      that was fuckin funny

      Aug 3, 2010 at 10:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      We may all exit the main thread comments as Wade has clearly won.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 9:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   aaa bang

    At least they spelled “thief” right. Although they did fuck up “neighborhood”. :/

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   bowloftoast bang

    Why is this guy shitting in the alley anyhow?

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:10 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Maas

      A lack of public toilets?
      An over abundance of fiber?
      A new sport?
      Revenge on the people who took away his previous installment of excrement?
      He’s a homeless, crime-fighting, scooter-riding superhero who defecates on the villain’s lair?
      Or, he isn’t, he just collects other people’s feces, then stores them in the alley.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 9:10 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   shwonline bang

    Hey hey hey! No mothers!

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Jen

    I’m pretty sure the answer to the note-writer’s question of ‘Why would you steal my scooter parts?’ lies in the line written directly above that one.

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Rush L.

    The thieves are obviously black.

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   shwonline bang

      Regrettably, the system will not let me put my thumb where it belongs for your comment…

      Aug 3, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Canthz_B bang

      Are you nuts? They’re scooter parts, not an Escalade. ;-)

      Aug 3, 2010 at 10:48 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   infant tyrone bang

      CB,
      It’s unlikely, and even if true, it’s obviously not obvious, as El Rushbo sez.

      But couldn’t there be (I’d say isn’t there, but I don’t want to assume that you know for sure one way or the other) a black (Black?) demographic group whose members would be likely to need scooter parts ?

      I’m thinking of the perhaps small, yet inevitable, subset of diehard Eddie Izzard fans who either do, or aspire to, ride around on Vespa’s and say foppishly Continental things like “Ciao!”

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Canthz_B bang

      Ty, you silly rabbit, black people aren’t Eddie Izzard fans…wait, let me Google that name just to make sure. If he’s OK, I’ll tell the others at the next meeting! ;-)

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:12 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   The voice of... James Mason

      I prefer not to ride about crying “ciao” from my Vespa… Instead, I choose to cruise around town in my Popemobile with my trusty sidekick, Altar Boy! :-D

      Aug 4, 2010 at 9:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   mamason bang

      I think it’s outrageous that anyone would post such a racist assumption. It’s 2010 for crying out loud! It’s time to stop blaming black people for everything. Clearly, this was the work of shit stealing Mexicans. *oh, they really are taking the jobs that nobody else wants*

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:31 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   aaa bang

    The thief stole your scooter parts just to fuck with you and make your life more inconvenient than it was previously, angry sign-writer. The thought of selling these parts didn’t even cross his mind. This thief woke up this morning and said “Today, I’m going to out and dick with this scooter-riding stranger I’ve never even met. Making his life just a little shittier will bring joy and glee into my heart.” No good sir, this thief did not wish to make a quick buck off your scooter when he saw an opportunity, he wished to make your life a little more hellish simply because his heart is filled with malice when he thinks of you. Don’t you just feel lucky to be able to invoke such strong emotion in people?

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:24 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   park rose bang

    It’s rumoured that Scooter’s mother was a parrot. That’s pretty special, I guess.

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Kate

    Just last week I listened to a guy complain about dishonest people after the $400 cash he left in a clear plastic sandwich bag on a bench outside his building disappeared. He was shocked. It was there Friday, but Sunday afternoon, gone!

    (No, I did not ask why. I feared the explanation.)

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:34 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Risha

      I would have stolen this man’s sandwich bag of money, too. I am comfortable with this. I am obviously a horrible person.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 8:18 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   mamason bang

      Another ransom gone wrong.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:33 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   KarenW

      Sandwich bag guy: taking money left for two days on a public bench is not stealing; it’s called finding some money, idiot. Nothing dishonest about it. Keep your money in a wallet with identification if you want even a chance of an honest person returning it.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 2:16 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   infant tyrone bang

    Two thoughts…

    1) In my experience with thieves (limited) and parts people (extensive) stripped all of the parts off of my two scooters would be the preferred phrasing *unless* the level of surveillance in the alley was so limited as to allow the thieves to tear each assembly down to its smallest components.
    Adding the “down” just makes the note writer seem ill-spoken, abysmally careless or both.

    2) Rather than posting a hard-to-miss whinefest about the crime, why not get the local cops involved ? Put another scooter in the alley and glue your nose to the window with a phone in your hand, ready to call when the thieves return. It’s not like you’re going anywhere with no wheels now.

    Oh, yeah, three thoughts…

    3) TWO scooters ???

    Aug 3, 2010 at 7:48 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Maas

      Maybe he dresses up the parts of his scooters (which he rides with one foot on each scooter, it’s marvelous to behold) in expensive scooter clothing, and hooligans keep striping down the parts. It’s simply indecent.

      Aug 3, 2010 at 9:14 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Celeste

      Maybe he color-coordinates his scooters with his shoes.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 9:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Kay

    $1000 in parts? Fancy schmancy scooters.

    Aug 3, 2010 at 8:37 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Quite Contrary

    Will someone please explain the difference between a thief and a fucking filthy thief?

    Aug 3, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   TeacherLady

      sexual activity and a lack of showering would be my guess

      Aug 3, 2010 at 10:11 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Dear scooter owner,

    Thank you for the informative note. Today as I was pawning your my scooter parts, I was in a much better position to haggle over price knowing the true worth of the parts.

    Forever in your debt (because I’m never paying you back),

    –Back Alley Bob

    Aug 3, 2010 at 10:55 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   benry

      Dear Back Alley Bob,

      Thank you for stripping me down and paw(n)ing my “parts”. You ARE fucking filthy.

      Forever in your debt (because I can’t afford your prices),

      -Scooter

      Aug 4, 2010 at 1:59 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    “If you leave your shit in this alley it will be stolen!”

    Doesn’t this guy know the difference between a theft and the Dept. of Sanitation?

    Aug 3, 2010 at 11:00 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   TiMo®

      Now see this is shit…And this here is shinola.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 8:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Wrench

    I’m going to guess it wasn’t his parents; probably grandmother or foster parents. What kind of alleyway thieves are raised by two parents in a nuclear household?

    Aug 3, 2010 at 11:10 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Janellionaire

      God I am so SICK of this BLATENT discrimination against alleyway thieves! Everyone just assumes that we live like a pack of wild hyenas or something! It’s a way of life, people, and we deserve respect and dignity too!

      Those parts? Fucking delicious.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:04 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   mamason bang

      Rush? Don’t you have something you’d like to say? :-|

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:36 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    HOLY COW! Two Scooters?!

    Wasn’t one Phil Rizzuto enough already?
    Of course, I wouldn’t put it past a Yankee to value his parts at a grand. For them it’s all about the money.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 12:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    I’m with the note writer. How could he possibly expect something left in an alley would be targeted by an opportunistic thief?
    Alleys, especially dark ones, being known the world over for their high safety and security factor, I’m sure he was shocked and amazed in the face of this totally unpredictable turn of events.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 12:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Dave Sohnchen

    Well if getting away with stealing scooter parts didn’t make the thief’s day, coming back and reading this note would have. And I agree, you can’t blame the thief for because you’re an idiot.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 1:34 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   pylgrim

    I get the vivid image of the thief reading this and slowly being moved to tears as he says: “The truth is that… I never had a mother… that’s why I turned out like this… asshole!”

    Aug 4, 2010 at 2:46 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Noelegy

    A few years ago, someone broke into my husband’s rather old Chevy Silverado diesel truck and stole a dashboard panel. That’s it. They ignored the toolbox in the back, the contents of which were worth a lot more. People is stupid.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 8:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   FeRD bang

      Or, people need a dashboard panel. Not every thief has a team of low-lives on retainer, ready to fence all of their ill-gotten loot. Far more common is the lazy bastard robber, or pilferus cheapimus, who will simply grab things he (or she!) personally needs but has no interest in paying for.

      Stealing other people’s stuff purely in the interest of making a quick buck off of it? Well… they’d consider that rude.

      Aug 5, 2010 at 5:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Um

    Anybody live in the city? I think the whiny tone of the note is funny, but… I mean, scooters are KEPT OUTSIDE. You don’t drag it up the steps and keep it, like, in your living room or something.

    *Leaving* the note was goofy. Writing THIS IS A FUCKED UP NIEIGHBORHOOD!!1! was goofy. Locking up your scooter and expecting it to be there when you got back,was not, IMHO.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 10:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   OldPandaDayz

      The very fact that he does live in a city is what makes that notion even more ridiculous. If you live in a city and you are forced to lock something up outside, and it is worth more than a bicycle you can buy at Walmart, then you should automatically expect to have it stolen/stripped for valuable parts at least once. Same goes for all those people who whine on Craigslist about how someone stole their customized fixed-gear road bike worth $700- FYI you will never see it again, quit wasting your time and buy a new one

      Aug 4, 2010 at 11:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Um

      If you live in a city and you are forced to lock something up… then you should automatically expect to have it stolenn/stripped for valuable parts

      I don’t know where the guy lives; maybe it is some Mad Max/Somali apocalyptic hell-city. In which case, well… yeah, you’d be right.

      In most normal areas of cities in the developed world – just FYI – it’s not really that common for roaming scavengers to tear your scooter/car/house apart for parts that can be bartered for drugs, food, or gas.

      Basically we lock up things so that drunk hipsters won’t take them for joyrides and crash them into dumpsters.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 12:59 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   oi

      I agree It should not be that way, not in the developed world. That’s just a wrong notion though. I think there is more crime in the developed world than in underdeveloped countries. I live in a city, in USA, where I have to carry my bike to the third story in my apt. That is reality. Even bikes locked inside a locked gate of the apt is not safe in this city. so I heard.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 1:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   surrahsurrah bang

      I just lock up drunk hipsters, take them for joyrides, and then crash them into dumpsters.

      Cheaper than therapy.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 3:25 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   OldPandaDays

      oi- is correct; maybe that is not the way it SHOULD be but it IS reality. And common sense dictates that you should make decisions based on the real world. I too live in a city in the USA, and drunk hipsters are pretty low on the list in terms of having your shit stolen. I hope scooter guy has enough money to buy all those stolen parts back from the roaming Mad Max/ Somali drug lord gang when they put them on Craigslist

      Aug 5, 2010 at 10:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Katie

    Dang. That’s some 8.5 x 14 rage right there. Hella legal sized aggression. Probably had to go to a special store to commandeer that kind of stationery.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 12:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    I live in a semi-urban environment, and you can call me an idiot (I’ll add the savant under my breath) but I would park up to three scooters in the alley near my apartment. I honestly would not expect them to be tampered with.

    However, I’ve heard that in Latin America, your scooter would disappear by nightfall- is this true? If so, please provide a humorous tale of a valuable object that was stolen from you in Brazil.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 12:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Julie

    “Scooter parts.” Dirty!

    Aug 4, 2010 at 1:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   claw71 bang

    I don’t know if my parents were special, but they were certainly different from most, seeing as how they died during labor. Yeah, both of them. In a car accident on the way to the hospital. They were hit by a train. Not a real, full-sized train but one of those Lionel jobs kids used to get for Christmas back in the day. It fell off a flatbed truck, bounced off of an overpass and crashed through the windshield on the driver’s side, effectively decapitating my father.

    Naturally he lost control of the 1975 Buick LeSabre and the car veered into oncoming traffic where it met with a speeding semi. My mom died on impact.

    I was delivered a few minutes later by the trucker who had been a medic in ‘Nam.

    My grandparents opted to raise me but they never let me live it down. Every night before bed I was whipped with a strap for causing the death of my parents. My grandmother told me that the contractions started a full three days before my due date and that if I hadn’t been in such a damned hurry my parents would still be alive and my Grandparents would be retired and living in a double wide outside of Boca Raton.

    It was all my fault.

    I never got anything aside from two oblong meals a day and once I was old enough to pay my way (9, if you’re counting) I was sent out to beg, borrow or steal. Or blow Japanese automotive executives at the Honda plant.

    It was there I learned the fine art of scooter assembly while I waited for the next Executive to come in and have his way with me. So much urine.

    At the age of 17, I was kicked out of the house. My grandfather said he enlisted int he Marines at the age of 17 and they made a man out of him. He told me I wasn’t good enough to be a Marine and suggested I join the Air Force or the circus. Neither would take me. Because I had killed my parents, you see.

    Since then I’ve been living my life on the streets, in dark alley ways no less, trading scooter parts for food, shelter and clothing. I’m sorry if that inconveniences you.

    And I wouldn’t be so filthy if you’d degrease your scooters once in a while.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 1:51 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   oi

      Brillient!

      Aug 4, 2010 at 2:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      And this is the perfect example of why I wrote about claw in my blog this week.

      *hopes that claw will let me out of the basement now*

      Aug 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Tiffany

    I love how they didn’t spell “theif”

    XOXO,

    http://outfitidentifier.com/

    Aug 4, 2010 at 4:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Renee

    I guess I am going to burst everyone’s bubble by saying how cruel you all are. Maybe he didn’t leave his scooter in the right place, but if this is his only form of mobility, this thief has essentially put this man on house arrest. I don’t understand for one moment, why anyone would consider this to be a laughing matter. I had to go a week last year without my scooter when it needed repairs and it depressed me to forced to spend an entire week in the house and depend on others for the smallest thing. His rage is absolutely justified and whoever the thief is, he is a disgusting shit. Finally, making fun of this man’s spelling and grammar is elitist and fun to a small brained person. All of you understood exactly what he was saying and therefore his missive served its purpose. Language exists to communicate a message. This divide only exists to assert privilege over others. Shame on all of you.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 6:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   eslinger bang

      Hello, Renee, and welcome to PAN. The laughter and comedy you have witnessed above is what PAN is all about. Getting butt-hurt and being unable to take a joke and see the humor in life seems to be what you’re all about. Please feel free to remove the stick from your ass, kthx.

      XOXO,
      Me

      P.S. – The scooter wasn’t his only form of mobility, unless he had no properly working feet or legs. It may have been, however, his only form of transportation. I imagine he can still walk. Or use public transportation, seeing how he lives in a city (a city of savages, but a city nonetheless). Just sayin’.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 7:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   JetJackson

      Renee, ditch the scooter and get a motorbike. Having a vibrating motor between your legs will loosen up a bit of that tension.

      Aug 4, 2010 at 9:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   H for Toy

      If he typed it out and didn’t use spell check, then he is an idiot who deserves to have his scooter stolen. How’s that for elitist?

      Aug 4, 2010 at 10:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   Mo® bang

      I am assuming that we are not talking about a “Rascal©” type scooter and that even with his scooter AWOL he would be able to go outside the house. If you are forced to spend a week inside depending on others for the littlest thing with the back of one hand velcro-ed to your forehead in semi-permanent victim oh woe is me mode than shame on you for being such a whiny blubbering dullard! Now pull up your pants, get some therapy for those anger management issues and get on with it Pollyanna!

      Aug 5, 2010 at 1:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   pucker

    Bohoboho Big crybaby! That’s the chance you take when you live in the big city and put expensive parts on your bike and leave it in the alley. Go back to your little hick world of make believe, and think that you are more deserving than others because you came from a little bubble world where all is fair and just. Life is a chance, I’m assuming your Karma is off track and that you are to wrapped up in materializm and that’s why you were chosen!! You are just going to give your alley a bad name and bring more crime in, by putting it down and probably making it worse than it really is because your a big baby. Live and Learn instead of lashing out on everyone.

    Aug 4, 2010 at 7:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   orinoco womble

    Your shit belongs in the toilet, not lying around in public.
    You wanna keep your belongings, keep them at home.
    You can’t really be surprised if you leave your stuff unattended in a public area and then discover someone removed it.

    Aug 5, 2010 at 11:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Scooter Guy

    It pleases me to know that my misfortune has brought so much joy and happiness to the lives of so many internet users. I’m not going to mention how this website is strange beyond imagination. Thanks for posting this up. I’m sure that some latté drinking yuppie will read it while sitting on the patio at Starbuck’s coffee and glance out the window to see a scooterist bashing in the windshield of his brand new 2010 Mini Cooper S.

    In conclusion, some of you are correct. People that can only afford to live in apartments should not own anything expensive that they must park outside, especially in the alley. If they must own something that makes them happy they should purchase insurance and pay for it over and over again (with premiums) to ensure that they can never afford a garage.

    One day I’ll be able to afford a garage like some of you and then I’ll rant about having my garage broken into while I’m parked at Starbuck’s sipping my latté (Venti of course).

    Sincerely, Scooter Guy

    (Thanks for the note on my door today.)

    Aug 5, 2010 at 12:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Paul the security guy

    All thieves should have a hand removed and have to be shocked with High Voltage (via the testicles) every time they are caught. It might bring down the crime rate as from the looks of things the parents are not teaching them anything.

    Aug 5, 2010 at 4:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Max Time bang

    the magnet thieves should get an award for most worth of stolen valuables plus a telelphone poll mentioning of it. Jeez to think the alley way magnet scooter theives just started out to. Look how famous they are now, soon it will be posted on fences and then buildings in the cities. oh my god the possibilities are endless!

    Aug 11, 2010 at 9:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Rora

    There was some serious anger behind the staplework. >.>

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Linny

    I would be angry too if my stuff was stolen. In fact I find this a hilarious warning.

    Feb 2, 2011 at 8:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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