Okay, dude, I really don’t want to kick you while you’re down — getting your scooter stolen definitely sucks. (Also, based on the rage level in your note, I think you’d probably kick back pretty hard.) And yet…I’m not really buying your framing of this as some kind of public service announcement.
For one thing, I’m guessing that if you took a poll of your neighbors (including Alex, our submitter) and asked, “Hey, did you know that if you leave your personal property in this alley, it could get stolen?!” I’m pretty sure most would respond with someone along the lines of, “Uh, no shit.” Just sayin’.
related: Paintball punk is playing at my house (my house)
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92 responses so far ↓
#1
mamason
I blame your parents for not teaching you that if people always steal shit from a place, then don’t leave your shit there. Way to go mom and dad.
Aug 3, 2010 at 5:18 pm rating: 32
#2
mamason
I love how this ragefest deteriorates to such blatent whining.
“Why would you take my scooter parts?” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Aug 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm rating: 14
#3
oi
Did he staple his note somehow? How do you do that?!
Aug 3, 2010 at 5:32 pm rating: 7
#4
glad
But…what if the thief’s parents really are special? He stole the scooter parts because they needed them for their own scooters which broke down due to some asshole who cut them off in his own two scooters.
Damn selfish note writer….*sniffs*
Aug 3, 2010 at 5:37 pm rating: 11
#5
TeacherLady
PSA for angry note writer:
“I” before “E” except after “C” and words that sound like neighbor and weigh.
This PSA has been brought to you by Public Educators Against Angry Misspellings (PEA AM).
Aug 3, 2010 at 6:13 pm rating: 14
#6
Wade
They stole over $1000 worth of parts!
Why would you steal my scooter parts?
The notewriter is obviously a Jeopardy fan.
Aug 3, 2010 at 6:25 pm rating: 79
#7
aaa
At least they spelled “thief” right. Although they did fuck up “neighborhood”. :/
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:05 pm rating: 3
#8
bowloftoast
Why is this guy shitting in the alley anyhow?
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:10 pm rating: 15
#9
shwonline
Hey hey hey! No mothers!
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:13 pm rating: 3
#10
Jen
I’m pretty sure the answer to the note-writer’s question of ‘Why would you steal my scooter parts?’ lies in the line written directly above that one.
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:14 pm rating: 3
#11
Rush L.
The thieves are obviously black.
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:22 pm rating: 1
#12
aaa
The thief stole your scooter parts just to fuck with you and make your life more inconvenient than it was previously, angry sign-writer. The thought of selling these parts didn’t even cross his mind. This thief woke up this morning and said “Today, I’m going to out and dick with this scooter-riding stranger I’ve never even met. Making his life just a little shittier will bring joy and glee into my heart.” No good sir, this thief did not wish to make a quick buck off your scooter when he saw an opportunity, he wished to make your life a little more hellish simply because his heart is filled with malice when he thinks of you. Don’t you just feel lucky to be able to invoke such strong emotion in people?
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:24 pm rating: 20
#13
park rose
It’s rumoured that Scooter’s mother was a parrot. That’s pretty special, I guess.
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm rating: 3
#14
Kate
Just last week I listened to a guy complain about dishonest people after the $400 cash he left in a clear plastic sandwich bag on a bench outside his building disappeared. He was shocked. It was there Friday, but Sunday afternoon, gone!
(No, I did not ask why. I feared the explanation.)
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:34 pm rating: 26
#15
infant tyrone
Two thoughts…
1) In my experience with thieves (limited) and parts people (extensive) stripped all of the parts off of my two scooters would be the preferred phrasing *unless* the level of surveillance in the alley was so limited as to allow the thieves to tear each assembly down to its smallest components.
Adding the “down” just makes the note writer seem ill-spoken, abysmally careless or both.
2) Rather than posting a hard-to-miss whinefest about the crime, why not get the local cops involved ? Put another scooter in the alley and glue your nose to the window with a phone in your hand, ready to call when the thieves return. It’s not like you’re going anywhere with no wheels now.
Oh, yeah, three thoughts…
3) TWO scooters ???
Aug 3, 2010 at 7:48 pm rating: 11
#16
Kay
$1000 in parts? Fancy schmancy scooters.
Aug 3, 2010 at 8:37 pm rating: 9
#17
Quite Contrary
Will someone please explain the difference between a thief and a fucking filthy thief?
Aug 3, 2010 at 10:03 pm rating: 1
#18
Canthz_B
Dear scooter owner,
Thank you for the informative note. Today as I was pawning
yourmy scooter parts, I was in a much better position to haggle over price knowing the true worth of the parts.Forever in your debt (because I’m never paying you back),
–Back Alley Bob
Aug 3, 2010 at 10:55 pm rating: 30
#19
Canthz_B
“If you leave your shit in this alley it will be stolen!”
Doesn’t this guy know the difference between a theft and the Dept. of Sanitation?
Aug 3, 2010 at 11:00 pm rating: 17
#20
Wrench
I’m going to guess it wasn’t his parents; probably grandmother or foster parents. What kind of alleyway thieves are raised by two parents in a nuclear household?
Aug 3, 2010 at 11:10 pm rating: 9
#21
Canthz_B
HOLY COW! Two Scooters?!
Wasn’t one Phil Rizzuto enough already?
Of course, I wouldn’t put it past a Yankee to value his parts at a grand. For them it’s all about the money.
Aug 4, 2010 at 12:03 am rating: 2
#22
Canthz_B
I’m with the note writer. How could he possibly expect something left in an alley would be targeted by an opportunistic thief?
Alleys, especially dark ones, being known the world over for their high safety and security factor, I’m sure he was shocked and amazed in the face of this totally unpredictable turn of events.
Aug 4, 2010 at 12:19 am rating: 7
#23
Dave Sohnchen
Well if getting away with stealing scooter parts didn’t make the thief’s day, coming back and reading this note would have. And I agree, you can’t blame the thief for because you’re an idiot.
Aug 4, 2010 at 1:34 am rating: 7
#24
pylgrim
I get the vivid image of the thief reading this and slowly being moved to tears as he says: “The truth is that… I never had a mother… that’s why I turned out like this… asshole!”
Aug 4, 2010 at 2:46 am rating: 16
#25
Noelegy
A few years ago, someone broke into my husband’s rather old Chevy Silverado diesel truck and stole a dashboard panel. That’s it. They ignored the toolbox in the back, the contents of which were worth a lot more. People is stupid.
Aug 4, 2010 at 8:12 am rating: 5
#26
Um
Anybody live in the city? I think the whiny tone of the note is funny, but… I mean, scooters are KEPT OUTSIDE. You don’t drag it up the steps and keep it, like, in your living room or something.
*Leaving* the note was goofy. Writing THIS IS A FUCKED UP NIEIGHBORHOOD!!1! was goofy. Locking up your scooter and expecting it to be there when you got back,was not, IMHO.
Aug 4, 2010 at 10:02 am rating: 2
#27
Katie
Dang. That’s some 8.5 x 14 rage right there. Hella legal sized aggression. Probably had to go to a special store to commandeer that kind of stationery.
Aug 4, 2010 at 12:14 pm rating: 5
#28
GhostWriter
I live in a semi-urban environment, and you can call me an idiot (I’ll add the savant under my breath) but I would park up to three scooters in the alley near my apartment. I honestly would not expect them to be tampered with.
However, I’ve heard that in Latin America, your scooter would disappear by nightfall- is this true? If so, please provide a humorous tale of a valuable object that was stolen from you in Brazil.
Aug 4, 2010 at 12:54 pm rating: 4
#29
Julie
“Scooter parts.” Dirty!
Aug 4, 2010 at 1:37 pm rating: 4
#30
claw71
I don’t know if my parents were special, but they were certainly different from most, seeing as how they died during labor. Yeah, both of them. In a car accident on the way to the hospital. They were hit by a train. Not a real, full-sized train but one of those Lionel jobs kids used to get for Christmas back in the day. It fell off a flatbed truck, bounced off of an overpass and crashed through the windshield on the driver’s side, effectively decapitating my father.
Naturally he lost control of the 1975 Buick LeSabre and the car veered into oncoming traffic where it met with a speeding semi. My mom died on impact.
I was delivered a few minutes later by the trucker who had been a medic in ‘Nam.
My grandparents opted to raise me but they never let me live it down. Every night before bed I was whipped with a strap for causing the death of my parents. My grandmother told me that the contractions started a full three days before my due date and that if I hadn’t been in such a damned hurry my parents would still be alive and my Grandparents would be retired and living in a double wide outside of Boca Raton.
It was all my fault.
I never got anything aside from two oblong meals a day and once I was old enough to pay my way (9, if you’re counting) I was sent out to beg, borrow or steal. Or blow Japanese automotive executives at the Honda plant.
It was there I learned the fine art of scooter assembly while I waited for the next Executive to come in and have his way with me. So much urine.
At the age of 17, I was kicked out of the house. My grandfather said he enlisted int he Marines at the age of 17 and they made a man out of him. He told me I wasn’t good enough to be a Marine and suggested I join the Air Force or the circus. Neither would take me. Because I had killed my parents, you see.
Since then I’ve been living my life on the streets, in dark alley ways no less, trading scooter parts for food, shelter and clothing. I’m sorry if that inconveniences you.
And I wouldn’t be so filthy if you’d degrease your scooters once in a while.
Aug 4, 2010 at 1:51 pm rating: 23
#31
Tiffany
I love how they didn’t spell “theif”
XOXO,
http://outfitidentifier.com/
Aug 4, 2010 at 4:22 pm rating: 0
#32
Renee
I guess I am going to burst everyone’s bubble by saying how cruel you all are. Maybe he didn’t leave his scooter in the right place, but if this is his only form of mobility, this thief has essentially put this man on house arrest. I don’t understand for one moment, why anyone would consider this to be a laughing matter. I had to go a week last year without my scooter when it needed repairs and it depressed me to forced to spend an entire week in the house and depend on others for the smallest thing. His rage is absolutely justified and whoever the thief is, he is a disgusting shit. Finally, making fun of this man’s spelling and grammar is elitist and fun to a small brained person. All of you understood exactly what he was saying and therefore his missive served its purpose. Language exists to communicate a message. This divide only exists to assert privilege over others. Shame on all of you.
Aug 4, 2010 at 6:55 pm rating: 3
#33
pucker
Bohoboho Big crybaby! That’s the chance you take when you live in the big city and put expensive parts on your bike and leave it in the alley. Go back to your little hick world of make believe, and think that you are more deserving than others because you came from a little bubble world where all is fair and just. Life is a chance, I’m assuming your Karma is off track and that you are to wrapped up in materializm and that’s why you were chosen!! You are just going to give your alley a bad name and bring more crime in, by putting it down and probably making it worse than it really is because your a big baby. Live and Learn instead of lashing out on everyone.
Aug 4, 2010 at 7:47 pm rating: 2
#34
orinoco womble
Your shit belongs in the toilet, not lying around in public.
You wanna keep your belongings, keep them at home.
You can’t really be surprised if you leave your stuff unattended in a public area and then discover someone removed it.
Aug 5, 2010 at 11:52 am rating: 3
#35
Scooter Guy
It pleases me to know that my misfortune has brought so much joy and happiness to the lives of so many internet users. I’m not going to mention how this website is strange beyond imagination. Thanks for posting this up. I’m sure that some latté drinking yuppie will read it while sitting on the patio at Starbuck’s coffee and glance out the window to see a scooterist bashing in the windshield of his brand new 2010 Mini Cooper S.
In conclusion, some of you are correct. People that can only afford to live in apartments should not own anything expensive that they must park outside, especially in the alley. If they must own something that makes them happy they should purchase insurance and pay for it over and over again (with premiums) to ensure that they can never afford a garage.
One day I’ll be able to afford a garage like some of you and then I’ll rant about having my garage broken into while I’m parked at Starbuck’s sipping my latté (Venti of course).
Sincerely, Scooter Guy
(Thanks for the note on my door today.)
Aug 5, 2010 at 12:18 pm rating: 7
#36
Paul the security guy
All thieves should have a hand removed and have to be shocked with High Voltage (via the testicles) every time they are caught. It might bring down the crime rate as from the looks of things the parents are not teaching them anything.
Aug 5, 2010 at 4:51 pm rating: 0
#37
Max Time
the magnet thieves should get an award for most worth of stolen valuables plus a telelphone poll mentioning of it. Jeez to think the alley way magnet scooter theives just started out to. Look how famous they are now, soon it will be posted on fences and then buildings in the cities. oh my god the possibilities are endless!
Aug 11, 2010 at 9:52 am rating: 0
#38
Rora
There was some serious anger behind the staplework. >.>
Aug 25, 2010 at 10:39 pm rating: 0
#39
Linny
I would be angry too if my stuff was stolen. In fact I find this a hilarious warning.
Feb 2, 2011 at 8:12 am rating: 0
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