Our anonymous submitter in Rhode Island has the distinct privilege of working with a person “who writes policy like it’s a new religion.” On her orders, the IT department instituted a program that automatically locks down your computer after two minutes of activity, but apparently that wasn’t enough to satisfy this self-appointed office cop.
One day, after dashing over to pick up a document from the shared printer, our submitter returned to find this somewhat clumsy attempt at an object lesson. (From then on, our submitter vowed, she would never play so fast and loose with her computer’s font settings again.)
related: Paying through the spout
75 responses so far ↓
#1
KC
What that unlicked computer needs is a rainbow unicorn background.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:10 pm rating: 2
#2
farcical aquatic ceremony
No, the online shopping websites we have open is why we lock our computers when we get up from our desks.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:12 pm rating: 54
#3
lisa
yeah this was just not that clever. What about the immovable icon prank? The endlessly rebooting computer? Or, at the very least, a little illicit facebook humiliation? This is such a lame ‘statement.’
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:16 pm rating: 16
#4
KST
We have dirty dish Nazis where I work. If you set a dish with rock hard oatmeal in to soak and run to the bathroom, someone will have dumped the water out and set it on the side of the sink. Not washed it out, mind you, just dumped out the soapy, hot water, even though it is obvious it hasn’t been there for more than a few minutes (if you go by the theory that temperature and soapiness diminish exponentially the longer it sits). I am going to get passive-aggressive on their ass, I swear. I just need a really good p-a sign to put up. I also need to work on how to misspell easy words.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:17 pm rating: 24
#5
Sed
At least her taskbar is not suffering from a lack of perspective.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:17 pm rating: 3
#6
Adrianne
I can’t help but think of the J. Walter Weatherman lessons from Arrested Development: “And that’s why you don’t take your foot out of its wrapper.”
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:19 pm rating: 2
#7
surrahsurrah
It puts the lock on it’s computer or else it gets the hose again.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:27 pm rating: 34
#8
Canthz_B
I never get up from my desk. I just lie there asleep until quitting time.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:32 pm rating: 22
#9
ClearlyDemented
When your whole life is based around the minuscule amount of work-power you have, this is the highlight of your day. I say, brava, Submitter, for giving your co-worker so much joy by getting up WITHOUT locking your computer *wink wink* after you saw her crouching behind a nearby cubicle wall.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:32 pm rating: 13
#10
Vee
I don’t even understand this. Why would anyone do that? Object lesson in what? Hopefully, my lack of understanding only means I haven’t worked with people crazy enough to do this – why ever anyone would…
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:34 pm rating: 9
#11
Canthz_B
So, beating your manager about the head and neck with your monitor while screeching “THIS IS WHY WE CONTROL OUR IMPULSES TO FUCK WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S COMPUTERS!” is still wrong, right?
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:41 pm rating: 32
#12
Madrias
Looks like something.. nope. I’d instead open up some NSFW item and call the boss over to look at so-and-so’s report on that computer.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm rating: 3
#13
lolsuz
That 1 minute and 23 seconds of unlocked computer time was fucking delicious.
While there are some types of information and some types of settings that would require that a computer literally never be left unlocked even for a moment, I get the distinct impression that this isn’t one of those circumstances.
Aug 17, 2010 at 10:54 pm rating: 7
#14
Becs
As an IT staffer I constantly struggle with users not locking their computers – not for a short walk to a printer but things like 3 hour meetings or, oh say, overnight. The main issue with this note isn’t the goal of users locking their computer but its appalling lack of creativity, as others said.
One fake sent email to the boss usually does the trick
Aug 17, 2010 at 11:17 pm rating: 7
#15
infant tyrone
Hopefully it was just a typo in the intro.
On her orders, the IT department instituted a program that automatically locks down your computer after two minutes of
inactivitysounds like a work-prevention-strategy masterpiece.
Aug 17, 2010 at 11:39 pm rating: 22
#16
Lucy
Or ctrl+alt+arrow key to mess with their monitor. I don’t work in Risk and Compliance, where we have to police Information Security policies, for nuttin’.
Aug 18, 2010 at 12:44 am rating: 4
#17
JW
So we lock our computers when we move away from our desk so that we don’t end up with passive-aggressive notes on our Word? We used to punish people with embarrassing photos plastered as their desktop background, which was a treat, especially given there was no way to revert to the default background until the computer updates (once a month or so).
Aug 18, 2010 at 1:16 am rating: 3
#18
Xyzzy
Title reminds me of one of the Top 100 Quotes at Bash.org:
[Khassaki] HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] try pressing the the Caps Lock key
[Khassaki] O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
Aug 18, 2010 at 2:50 am rating: 22
#19
Xyzzy
One of the best “away from desk” pranks I’ve heard of took place at a game firm in the 80s. A music programmer snuck code onto the leader’s computer so that if the keyboard was left untouched long enough for a song to loop a few times, portions of the screen would flip upside-down. They liked the prank so much that they left it in as an Easter egg.
Aug 18, 2010 at 3:08 am rating: 5
#20
FeRD
Coincidentally, that same day over at CollegeHumor, there appeared the following photo. In it we’re shown a somewhat more personal and embarrassing (and therefore probably more effective) execution of lesson-imparting prankage.
http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1941658
Aug 18, 2010 at 3:19 am rating: 0
#21
Theresa g
When I was in the military, if you left your computer unlocked someone would use your email to send an email to everyone that donughts were being provided in the morning (by the victim of the computer hijacking)
Aug 18, 2010 at 6:35 am rating: 12
#22
Splint Chesthair
I don’t lock my computer but I do run Laptop Alarm and jack up the speakers so if anyone touches my mouse, offensive sounds ring out through the office. then I come running back and yell “Why the Fuck are you touching my computer.”
They stammer something about proper procedure but they always look like the ass.
Sure it’s the same amount of effort but instead of being a “I should lock up my stuff guy” I’m more of a “you don’t touch my stuff” guy. There’s a difference.
Aug 18, 2010 at 6:59 am rating: 21
#23
turkey
Why? Because there are assholes like you who touch other people’s stuff? Thanks for reminding me!
Aug 18, 2010 at 7:21 am rating: 8
#24
Calhoun
This one was definitely a keeper… I mean, who does that?!?
Aug 18, 2010 at 8:50 am rating: 0
#25
the Librarian
I like changing the screen orientation to portrait flipped. It’s not hard to change back, but it is annoying, and a lot of people don’t know how to do it–and you need to know the administrator password. My brother told me at his office, they like to plug receivers for wireless mice or keyboards into other people’s computers, and then they can randomly type or mouse or hit buttons just to fuck with them. They had a wireless mouse plugged into this one guy’s computer for weeks, and he didn’t figure it out. He even called the IT guys to look at his computer; the IT guys pretended they couldn’t figure it out, either. Apparently that guy was a real asshole.
Aug 18, 2010 at 8:53 am rating: 5
#26
People Person
Joke’s on you. I put Anthrax on my keyboard instead of locking the computer.
Aug 18, 2010 at 11:04 am rating: 12
#27
Polaris
I’m so glad I work in an office where locking your computer isn’t serious business.
Aug 18, 2010 at 12:13 pm rating: 1
#28
shaniatwainHAY
♫This is why, this is why, this is why I’m locked♫
Aug 18, 2010 at 1:04 pm rating: 2
#29
WotV
At my ex-job (we broke up over a year ago and are still not on speaking terms), the person I was working with was chided twice for leaving her computer unlocked. The third time she blamed me. I hate that fucking bitch.
Aug 18, 2010 at 4:25 pm rating: 5
#30
Kiki
Subby is lucky. Around here, if you leave your desktop unlocked, we send emails to from your account to all users: “Hi guys! I like unicorns and cotton candy and kittens, too! xxxooo” or “Sorry if I’ve been crabby today, it’s been a while since I’ve had a Brazilian and my thong underpants are chafing.”
Aug 18, 2010 at 5:39 pm rating: 2
#31
shepd
LOL! At my work you use their email to send the office a note that they’ll be bringing in free coffee and donuts the next day!
Aug 18, 2010 at 8:50 pm rating: 1
#32
Laura
Right after checking this out, I clicked a link from Digg on Twitter – a prank of the same nature, much funnier in execution.
http://i.imgur.com/srhAo.jpg
Aug 18, 2010 at 9:51 pm rating: 0
#33
Chi
I’ll bet the submitter has her password on a post-it “cleverly” hidden under her keyboard too. Really, how hard is it to lock your computer?
Aug 20, 2010 at 10:21 am rating: 0
#34
zelmia
Gee, you’d think there would also be some sort of policy about screwing around with someone else’s computer, regardless of whether or not the person had locked it down.
Aug 20, 2010 at 3:48 pm rating: 0
Comments are Closed