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The Toilet Paper Ministry

August 24th, 2010 · 70 comments

Hey, look — it’s almost the entire 12-step program in one note! I especially like the abridged version: “To the idiot who stole: the world is your oyster.”

To the idiot who stole the toilet paper from here (Upper left-hand drawer, to be be exact) I think its time you re-examined your life. Is your main goal in life to root through drawers looking for something to wipe your ass with, or is there something I'm missing? Sure, you might have gotten away clean (Pardon the pun), but you really have to ask yourself if this is what all your hopes and dreams turned out to be.

related: Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · heart · Orange County · stealing · TL;DR · toilet paper

70 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Julie

    I just want to write “tl;dr” in black sharpie over that entire page.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Party in my pants

      What is “tl;dr”?

      Aug 25, 2010 at 6:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Molly

      “too long; didn’t read”

      Aug 25, 2010 at 6:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      My dear young man, don’t take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It’s quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that’s all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 6:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #2   Nahhh bang

    Ew, s/he played the “god card.”

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:41 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   taosaur

      As God cards go, it was well played–not, “Here is the one and only answer” so much as “the option’s out there.” My hackles are easily raised at proselytizing, and they were all quiet on this one.

      Aug 24, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Ughable

      It’s a Shame god isn’t helping her with her calligraphy. BOOMSHAKALAKA

      Aug 25, 2010 at 4:25 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      It’s like the X-Files: The Option’s Out There. Somebody call Mulder and Scully to work on this TP abduction!

      Aug 25, 2010 at 9:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Ndawg

      God helped LW find TP at 27 cents a roll, though, which might be a miracle.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 10:16 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #3   zenvelo

    reading that note wiped me out!

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:41 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

  • #4   orionsmark

    what makes this all kinds of PAN, is the little red hearts at the top. love it!

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:43 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   KST

      It was all said with love, I’m sure. Weird, passive-aggressive love, but love nonetheless.

      Aug 24, 2010 at 10:23 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #5   much to my chagrin

    Sorry I stole the TP. I usually wipe my ass with pages torn from the Bible, but some fucker stole it.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:44 pm   rating: 70  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   KST

      Brilliant. Love it.

      Aug 24, 2010 at 10:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Canthz_B bang

      Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 12:25 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   shwonline bang

      CB, you must have one of those defective dictionaries that are missing the D, E and F words. In my dictionary, cleanliness is next to chlamydia.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 9:57 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   infanttyrone

      Maybe that defec-tive dictionary just needs an “a” in the right spot.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Canthz_B bang

      Naw…Clap is closer! :-P

      Aug 26, 2010 at 12:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   Sirius¤ bang

      “if by the last quarter of the twentieth century godliness wasn’t next to something more interesting than cleanliness, it might be time to reevaluate our notions of godliness.” – Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker

      Aug 26, 2010 at 6:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   sistac

    I have a feeling it was actually more than just 27 cents worth of toilet paper to him/ her.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:45 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      I have a feeling that paper, the ink in the pen, and the time it took to compose the manifesto cost her a lot more that 27 cents.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 7:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Mike

      It certainly took more than 27 cents worth of time at minimum wage to read that fucker.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 1:28 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #7   Zinnia

    This is pure gold. I will be losing sleep tonight trying to decide what part of this treasure is my favorite.

    “…my problem is myself, alrighty?”

    is doing battle with:

    “God is helping me in many ways, he can do the same for you.”

    I’m just torn because the author isn’t really being as benevolent as one would expect one to be who is being helped by God.

    Oh, sure the author admits to being helped in many ways, yes, but the tone of this letter displays the many ways in which God is not helping.

    I would start out by advising the author to get on his knees and pray for more legible printing skills.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   park rose

      Don’t give the writer too hard a time. His expectancy is low.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 12:18 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Do you think the note writer believes that God has helped him/her shit more cleanly?

      Aug 25, 2010 at 9:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   shwonline bang

      God should help the writer understand the comma splice.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 9:59 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   infant tyrone bang

      If God’s not really omnipotent, this to-do list is getting kind of daunting.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 5:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #8   Becky

    Next time, the “thief” should wipe their ass with this letter and leave it for her to find.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #9   daniel

    27 cents…it’s what yer worth.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 9:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Seems to me the thief is very productive. Why else would he or she need toilet paper?

    Aug 24, 2010 at 10:18 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #11   toopoorforTP

    She could have wiped her butt with the paper she wasted writing this note.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 10:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #12   Risha

    Does stealing 27 cents really make you good for nothing? What if it’s only 25? 9? I’ve picked up the occasional penny…

    Aug 24, 2010 at 10:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #13   thatguy

    Postit stuck to it the next day:
    Nice “note” Julie. We had to take the tp for the men’s room.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 10:44 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #14   NXCE

    I would have stolen too, rather than have to go through the agony of asking Julie.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 11:01 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #15   surrahsurrah bang

    If I was as busy being englightening as this chick is I bet I wouldn’t need to be reborn again.

    Aug 24, 2010 at 11:29 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   Nack

    Wow, that’s a whiff of pent up reflection I could’ve done completely without. 27 cents and a nerd-rage over TP, complete with religious zealotry and moral outrage!

    Julie, don’t you have more productive things to do than complain about something you don’t even have the facts for? The TP is gone. Pray for some more, leave your marker in the drawer.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 12:04 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   park rose

      In this case, maybe a whiff of repent up refluxion?

      Aug 25, 2010 at 12:20 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   The Elf

      (pardon the pun)

      Aug 25, 2010 at 7:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    I’m sure the roll of toilet paper was only borrowed and would have been returned in a day or two.

    Sooner if the borrower knew how full of shit the writer is.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #18   1948goa

    I think that, if anyone ever stole a roll of my precious TP, I would simply write note saying : “I wish you will soon get a suden bout of diarrhoea and have only one place where to shit : a thorn bush”.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 3:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   ammali

    “The Toilet Paper Ministry” totally sounds like a movie or pop-novel title.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 7:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   The Elf

      It’s the Fifth Ministry in Oceania, circa 1984. In Newspeak, it’s Minipoo. Whatever you do, don’t give them an excuse to take you to room 101. The swirlies are devastating. But controlling sewage flow and toilet paper use is the only way to win over Eurasia.


      Aug 25, 2010 at 8:07 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #20   Mrs Rochester

    Don’t steal toilet paper; donate to charity!

    Aug 25, 2010 at 8:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #21   Le Lac

    Considering that it was one roll of paper in a specific drawer, it’s more likely that this PA nutjob used the roll him/herself and forgot about it.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 9:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #22   Woman on the Verge bang

    My mind is still reeling. How did this note go from toilet paper theft to a plug for animal adoption?

    Aug 25, 2010 at 9:46 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   The Elf

      Maybe the note writer was suggesting the thief use homeless animals instead of toilet paper? I don’t think that would go over so well. Better get the declawed kind.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 10:45 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   Citric

      I hear using a swan is quite pleasant.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 4:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #22.3   infanttyrone

      Mysterious ways, indeed…

      Aug 25, 2010 at 5:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.4   infant tyrone bang

      My grandmother from Kentucky often used to exclaim. Well, I swan!.
      I guess you can take the girl out of the country…

      Aug 25, 2010 at 5:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #23   shwonline bang

    Perhaps it was ultra-soft TP, prescribed to ease the pain of the writer’s burning bush.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   infanttyrone

      Perhaps the managers of the newly-opened clothing store down the street realized that they hadn’t remembered quite everything.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 5:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   infant tyrone bang

      to ease the pain of the writer’s burning bush
      I always knew there was something I missed in Go down, Moses
      I’m gonna have to put Faulkner on my re-read list.

      Aug 25, 2010 at 5:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   emzmcgee

    I’m sure if someone is in a crappy enough position in their life that they’re reduced to stealing toilet paper…they are well aware of it and don’t need a long-winded note telling them that.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 2:03 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #25   kr

    The note writer is another one of the people rejoicing in their pettyness.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 6:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   bob loblaw

    suffice it to say, that toilet paper was fucking delicious

    Aug 25, 2010 at 8:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #27   Wench

    If I was the thief I’d just steal the letter as well….

    If I was the OP I’d put a load of itching powder onto a toilet roll and leave it for ‘ole sticky fingers to ‘find’…..


    Aug 25, 2010 at 8:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #28   infant tyrone bang

    Hmmm, reminds me of Russel Crowe’s scribblings
    as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind.

    I wonder where I could get a list of the clothes he wore in the film.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 8:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   Ashmeadow

    Well, OP should remember that TP doesn’t rain like manna.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 8:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   aaa bang

    I did consider adopting an animal from a shelter, but toilet paper works better for ass-wiping.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      As the bear asked the rabbit. “Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”

      Aug 26, 2010 at 7:12 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #31   UnclGhost

    There should be a category for people who use unnecessarily large vocabulary but use the wrong words like “expectancy” instead of “expectations”.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 12:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   DanielMac

    Good thing God is helping her in so many ways. In which part of the Bible does Jesus refer to poor people as “thieving” and “scum of the earth”?

    Aug 26, 2010 at 6:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #33   Casey

    anyone notice that the person has confused the heck out of her saying? ‘the skys the limit and the world is your oyster’ i think they were just so angry someone had the nerve to steal one roll of toilet paper they couldnt think straight.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 12:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   infant tyrone bang

      Where you’re from it’s “the sky’s your oyster” and “the world is the limit” ?

      The former could be a saying of the Pacific Northwest
      (especially in a Tom Robbins novel), but the latter only
      makes sense for someone like Hitler, or maybe Rupert Murdoch.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 2:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #34   Team Me

    Reason #412 to steal TP: Free therapy.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 3:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #35   ISpy

    It’s freaky. The first thing I think of when I want to “be enlightening and do something productive” is write a book. Then I say “F*ck it” and smoke a joint.

    Aug 27, 2010 at 2:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   Lhyzz

    Where the hell does a roll of toilet paper cost 27 cents? Even in a 20-pack on sale, I’m paying 50 cents per roll.

    Aug 28, 2010 at 8:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Nikky

      Maybe the person only used like.. half of the roll?

      Sep 13, 2010 at 10:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #37   James

    I think the bible tells people to leave some of their crops to feed the hungry and desperate, but what would I know I’m an atheist. If you are in desperate need for TP, and we all have been there at some point in our lives, please just steal it from where ever you can. The honour of not being a thief is over ridden but the social need for hygiene.

    Aug 30, 2010 at 3:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #38   Nikky

    Oh my gosh that was hilarious. All that over some toilet paper? At first I thought it was sarcastic – but then I saw the word God and realized that this was not a joke.

    Sep 13, 2010 at 10:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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