Hey, look — it’s almost the entire 12-step program in one note! I especially like the abridged version: “To the idiot who stole: the world is your oyster.”
related: Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?
The Toilet Paper Ministry
August 24th, 2010 · 70 comments
FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · heart · Orange County · stealing · TL;DR · toilet paper
70 responses so far ↓
#1
Julie
I just want to write “tl;dr” in black sharpie over that entire page.
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm rating: 25
#2
Nahhh
Ew, s/he played the “god card.”
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:41 pm rating: 16
#3
zenvelo
reading that note wiped me out!
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:41 pm rating: 30
#4
orionsmark
what makes this all kinds of PAN, is the little red hearts at the top. love it!
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:43 pm rating: 22
#5
much to my chagrin
Sorry I stole the TP. I usually wipe my ass with pages torn from the Bible, but some fucker stole it.
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:44 pm rating: 67
#6
sistac
I have a feeling it was actually more than just 27 cents worth of toilet paper to him/ her.
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:45 pm rating: 17
#7
Zinnia
This is pure gold. I will be losing sleep tonight trying to decide what part of this treasure is my favorite.
“…my problem is myself, alrighty?”
is doing battle with:
“God is helping me in many ways, he can do the same for you.”
I’m just torn because the author isn’t really being as benevolent as one would expect one to be who is being helped by God.
Oh, sure the author admits to being helped in many ways, yes, but the tone of this letter displays the many ways in which God is not helping.
I would start out by advising the author to get on his knees and pray for more legible printing skills.
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm rating: 26
#8
Becky
Next time, the “thief” should wipe their ass with this letter and leave it for her to find.
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm rating: 13
#9
daniel
27 cents…it’s what yer worth.
Aug 24, 2010 at 9:57 pm rating: 1
#10
Canthz_B
Seems to me the thief is very productive. Why else would he or she need toilet paper?
Aug 24, 2010 at 10:18 pm rating: 9
#11
toopoorforTP
She could have wiped her butt with the paper she wasted writing this note.
Aug 24, 2010 at 10:19 pm rating: 4
#12
Risha
Does stealing 27 cents really make you good for nothing? What if it’s only 25? 9? I’ve picked up the occasional penny…
Aug 24, 2010 at 10:21 pm rating: 6
#13
thatguy
Postit stuck to it the next day:
Nice “note” Julie. We had to take the tp for the men’s room.
Aug 24, 2010 at 10:44 pm rating: 14
#14
NXCE
I would have stolen too, rather than have to go through the agony of asking Julie.
Aug 24, 2010 at 11:01 pm rating: 15
#15
surrahsurrah
If I was as busy being englightening as this chick is I bet I wouldn’t need to be reborn again.
Aug 24, 2010 at 11:29 pm rating: 5
#16
Nack
Wow, that’s a whiff of pent up reflection I could’ve done completely without. 27 cents and a nerd-rage over TP, complete with religious zealotry and moral outrage!
Julie, don’t you have more productive things to do than complain about something you don’t even have the facts for? The TP is gone. Pray for some more, leave your marker in the drawer.
Aug 25, 2010 at 12:04 am rating: 9
#17
Canthz_B
I’m sure the roll of toilet paper was only borrowed and would have been returned in a day or two.
Sooner if the borrower knew how full of shit the writer is.
Aug 25, 2010 at 12:31 am rating: 15
#18
1948goa
I think that, if anyone ever stole a roll of my precious TP, I would simply write note saying : “I wish you will soon get a suden bout of diarrhoea and have only one place where to shit : a thorn bush”.
Uccia
Aug 25, 2010 at 3:47 am rating: 2
#19
ammali
“The Toilet Paper Ministry” totally sounds like a movie or pop-novel title.
Aug 25, 2010 at 7:51 am rating: 4
#20
Mrs Rochester
Don’t steal toilet paper; donate to charity!
Aug 25, 2010 at 8:01 am rating: 5
#21
Le Lac
Considering that it was one roll of paper in a specific drawer, it’s more likely that this PA nutjob used the roll him/herself and forgot about it.
Aug 25, 2010 at 9:29 am rating: 3
#22
Woman on the Verge
My mind is still reeling. How did this note go from toilet paper theft to a plug for animal adoption?
Aug 25, 2010 at 9:46 am rating: 13
#23
shwonline
Perhaps it was ultra-soft TP, prescribed to ease the pain of the writer’s burning bush.
Aug 25, 2010 at 10:03 am rating: 5
#24
emzmcgee
I’m sure if someone is in a crappy enough position in their life that they’re reduced to stealing toilet paper…they are well aware of it and don’t need a long-winded note telling them that.
Aug 25, 2010 at 2:03 pm rating: 7
#25
kr
The note writer is another one of the people rejoicing in their pettyness.
Aug 25, 2010 at 6:26 pm rating: 0
#26
bob loblaw
suffice it to say, that toilet paper was fucking delicious
Aug 25, 2010 at 8:25 pm rating: 4
#27
Wench
If I was the thief I’d just steal the letter as well….
If I was the OP I’d put a load of itching powder onto a toilet roll and leave it for ‘ole sticky fingers to ‘find’…..
BWAA HAA HAA HAA HAAAAAH!
Aug 25, 2010 at 8:31 pm rating: 4
#28
infant tyrone
Hmmm, reminds me of Russel Crowe’s scribblings
as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind.
I wonder where I could get a list of the clothes he wore in the film.
Aug 25, 2010 at 8:46 pm rating: 0
#29
Ashmeadow
Well, OP should remember that TP doesn’t rain like manna.
Aug 25, 2010 at 8:52 pm rating: 1
#30
aaa
I did consider adopting an animal from a shelter, but toilet paper works better for ass-wiping.
Aug 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm rating: 2
#31
UnclGhost
There should be a category for people who use unnecessarily large vocabulary but use the wrong words like “expectancy” instead of “expectations”.
Aug 26, 2010 at 12:27 am rating: 0
#32
DanielMac
Good thing God is helping her in so many ways. In which part of the Bible does Jesus refer to poor people as “thieving” and “scum of the earth”?
Aug 26, 2010 at 6:20 am rating: 2
#33
Casey
anyone notice that the person has confused the heck out of her saying? ‘the skys the limit and the world is your oyster’ i think they were just so angry someone had the nerve to steal one roll of toilet paper they couldnt think straight.
Aug 26, 2010 at 12:25 pm rating: 0
#34
Team Me
Reason #412 to steal TP: Free therapy.
Aug 26, 2010 at 3:43 pm rating: 1
#35
ISpy
It’s freaky. The first thing I think of when I want to “be enlightening and do something productive” is write a book. Then I say “F*ck it” and smoke a joint.
Aug 27, 2010 at 2:01 am rating: 0
#36
Lhyzz
Where the hell does a roll of toilet paper cost 27 cents? Even in a 20-pack on sale, I’m paying 50 cents per roll.
Aug 28, 2010 at 8:18 am rating: 0
#37
James
I think the bible tells people to leave some of their crops to feed the hungry and desperate, but what would I know I’m an atheist. If you are in desperate need for TP, and we all have been there at some point in our lives, please just steal it from where ever you can. The honour of not being a thief is over ridden but the social need for hygiene.
Aug 30, 2010 at 3:36 am rating: 0
#38
Nikky
Oh my gosh that was hilarious. All that over some toilet paper? At first I thought it was sarcastic – but then I saw the word God and realized that this was not a joke.
Sep 13, 2010 at 10:26 am rating: 0
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