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If you thought your microwave was dirty…

August 25th, 2010 · 51 comments

…then you obviously haven’t been introduced to the Houston, Texas model apparently gunning for the title of “the Dane Cook of household appliances.”

(For that, you can be thankful.)

STOP! Don't touch me there: these are my no-no squares. Don't put anything on top of me, only inside (foreplay isn't needed). Please keep me clean...Only your mom likes it dirty. Hugs & Kisses, Your Friendly Neighborhood Microwave

related: Microwave on the run!

FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · cleaning · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Houston · microwave · most popular notes of 2010 · thanks (but not really) · touching

51 responses so far ↓

  • #1   apricoco

    Oh, I feel dirty just reading that. I need a shower now.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:17 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #2   Melodie

    Great. Now I’ve got another kink. Thanks for nothing, Internet!

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:19 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Mo®

      Hot Pockets
      Rule 34

      Aug 26, 2010 at 10:21 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   arsenicsauce

      Don’t tell Jim Gaffigan.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 12:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Mo®

      In Mexico they are called caliente pockets.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 3:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Z

      Is it cold inside?

      Aug 26, 2010 at 3:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   arsenicsauce

      It’s frozen.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 8:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   aaa bang

      You can also get it boiling lava hot.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 10:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   ammali

      Will it burn my mouth?

      Aug 29, 2010 at 3:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #3   Nack

    I take offense at your comment about my mother, Microwave! You are neither friendly or neighborly! In fact, I think I will bash you ala-OfficeSpaceFaxMachine!

    Where my bat? Where my “Good to be a Gangsta” music?!

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:22 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

  • #4   adam

    Oh my goodness…mercy me oh my…sweet mother of microwave pizza pockets…

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   debkatz

    What? “Only your mom likes it dirty” and it was signed “Your FRIENDLY neighborhood microwave”? Did Manson get that parole he’s been begging for? Here! Microwave THIS!

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:25 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #6   Kel

    Seriously….this is passive aggressiveness at it’s finest!
    My hometown of Houston is representing! Holla!
    (damn it feels good to be a gangster!)

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Nack

      ‘You not Gangsta.’ You didn’t call it “H-town”.

      And give me back my bat! You might hurt an innocent copy machine with that.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 12:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Kel

      Touché, Nack!

      Aug 26, 2010 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #7   Nahhh bang

    Now my toaster oven is all hot and bothered.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:58 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

  • #8   lolsuz

    Those no-no squares were fucking delicious.

    That’s right. I said it.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 10:59 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   eslinger bang

      I’m so proud of you. I wish I could thumb you more. :)

      Aug 26, 2010 at 9:11 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Maas

      My microwave must be a slut, because this is the first I’ve heard about “no-no squares”.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 3:24 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   notolaf

      Seriously. The only reason I even scrolled down here was irresistible prurient curiosity.

      Oct 12, 2010 at 1:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   MinnKB

    Ewww. Yucky.

    Aug 25, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   manz

    Where exactly on the microwave are the “no no squares?” Don’t touch me there? What is going on here?

    Aug 25, 2010 at 11:30 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    Once again the power of prayer has failed.

    Having asked for the strength to keep its comments clean, the microwave still can’t help letting slip “…only your mom likes it dirty.”

    Aug 26, 2010 at 12:57 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Just in case the exhaust/vent squares on the top are blocked, you’d think that a smart appliance like this one would have a spare square on the side.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 12:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   WMDKitty

      But there’s not a square to spare….

      Aug 26, 2010 at 1:39 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   Canthz_B bang

      There are some spare squares…
      hidden way down the back stairs,
      if anyone cares. ;-)

      Aug 26, 2010 at 8:30 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #13   RunBarbara bang

    It’s true, Microwave, my mom DOES like it dirty. If she could only fully heat a baked potato after I stuff it inside of her instead of just making beeping noises with her mouth and shooting it back out a little wetter than before a few seconds later, I’d have no use for you.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 1:22 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I was going to make an RB’s mom comment, but you beat me to it!

      Aug 26, 2010 at 6:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Mo®

      She can juggle ping pong balls…
      “Juggle balls”

      Aug 26, 2010 at 10:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   mamason bang

      RB’s mom doesn’t have any no no squares. She only has yes yes holes.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 4:40 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #14   ClearlyDemented

    This might just be the next great diet plan. I know I’ve lost my appetite…for food anyway.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 7:14 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #15   JuneBug

    Does the microwave have a safeword I should know?

    Aug 26, 2010 at 8:01 am   rating: 47  small thumbs up

  • #16   Splint Chesthair

    I’d have to be passive aggressive in response to this note and tape a note to side that said:

    “OR, for those of use who are over 13: Don’t stack items on the microwave vents and remember to clean up after yourself.”

    Aug 26, 2010 at 8:58 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   eslinger bang

      Also, your mother doesn’t live here.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Ndawg

      Also, please don’t blue-ball the microwave by leaving leftover time on the timer.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 10:36 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

  • #17   Le Lac

    Team Microwave Molester.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 9:25 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   infant tyrone bang

      Funny today, but someday…when no white females are missing…

      Tonight on Nancy Grace, America in Crisis…
      A White Woman Misplaced Her Scrapbooking Glue Gun

      Aug 26, 2010 at 2:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   Pervy

    Always wear a trench coat when microwaving that Lean Cuisine.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 9:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   Erin


    Aug 26, 2010 at 10:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #20   Mo®

    Show me on the Easy-Bake oven where the bad man touched you.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 10:26 am   rating: 61  small thumbs up

  • #21   Other Julie bang

    “Hugs and kisses”? You just said foreplay isn’t needed. Stop sending me such mixed signals, Microwave.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 10:28 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      is it safe to send your sons to parish functions if you’ve slapped ‘no-no’ square post-its all over ‘em?

      (edited: inappropriate gigglebraxing, my apologies)

      Aug 26, 2010 at 10:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Gunderson

    Someone needs to put the note inside the microwave and cook it for 5 mins.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 10:46 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   Limeliberator bang

    I can pretty much guarantee that my mother doesn’t like it.. dirty or otherwise.. but thanks so much for the mental image. bastard.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 7:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #24   Cordelia

    Another electronic mystery revealed. Now I know why the “finished” beep is so loud at the end of every use…

    Aug 26, 2010 at 8:13 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #25   shwonline bang

    Don’t touch my No No Squares, the delicious new snack treat from Kellogg’s!

    Aug 26, 2010 at 8:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #26   Dara

    My no-no squares are the no bake kind.

    Aug 26, 2010 at 9:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #27   bob loblaw

    i’d put my hot pocket inside you and press the time for 69 seconds.

    ha ha. take that beeeeeotch!

    Aug 26, 2010 at 10:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   aaa bang

      I want to microwave my Hot Pocket until it blows its cheesy load all over your magnetron.

      Aug 26, 2010 at 11:32 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #28   cw

    oh my word… I feel dirty too

    Aug 27, 2010 at 1:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   elorel bang

    Good thing it specifies no foreplay. I hear hugs and kisses from a microwave can leave you.. diseased.

    Aug 27, 2010 at 3:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up


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