Entries from August 2010

The Toilet Paper Ministry

August 24th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Hey, look — it’s almost the entire 12-step program in one note! I especially like the abridged version: “To the idiot who stole: the world is your oyster.”

To the idiot who stole the toilet paper from here (Upper left-hand drawer, to be be exact) I think its time you re-examined your life. Is your main goal in life to root through drawers looking for something to wipe your ass with, or is there something I'm missing? Sure, you might have gotten away clean (Pardon the pun), but you really have to ask yourself if this is what all your hopes and dreams turned out to be.

related: Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?

Tags: "helpful" advice · heart · Orange County · stealing · TL;DR · toilet paper

Service with a snarl

August 23rd, 2010 · 77 Comments

Fact: Working in a customer service position that necessitates long-term exposure to one’s fellow humans carries a significant risk of developing acute, potentially incurable, misanthropy. And if you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere, treatment is especially hard to find.

Exhibit a) From a roadside store in “the armpit of California, as witnessed on separate occasions by both Dirk and Danielle

We have no choice but to be here. We have already spent a fortune on this business. In order to run this business in the middle of nowhere it costs us a fortune. You have a choice to be a customer or not. Thank you for not complaining to our employees. We are here to serve you.

We have no choice but to be here. We have already spent a fortune on this business. In order to run this business in the middle of nowhere it costs us a fortune. You have a choice to be a customer or not. Thank you for not complaining to our employees. We are here to serve you.

Exhibit b) From a NON-fast food restaurant in the backwaters of Louisiana

Without any further notice: Prices subject to change without notifying the customer, yes you the customer. No refunds or exchange...once you order, once we start cooking,NO refunds or exchange. Includes anything in the store that's for sale. WE ARE NOT FAST FOOD WE ARE NOT FAST FOOD

Exhibit c) From a diner in a speck of a town called Endicott, Nebraska. (Adds submitter Jill: “They also have a stuffed two-headed calf!”)

Notice! This is not Burger King. You get it my way or you don't get the son-of-a-bitch at all

related: How’s that for a low price guarantee?

Tags: "customer service" · restaurant · retail hell

Live and not-so-active roommate culture

August 22nd, 2010 · 78 Comments

Elana in North Rustico, Canada spotted this tart exchange inside her friend Shannon’s fridge.

Shannon, no doubt hoping to avoid getting called out for interfering with her roommate’s yogurt supply, wrote the first note. Her roommate Michael, perhaps taking issue with the note’s mildly patronizing tone, fired back with his own written retort. And as for the yogurts? Yup, still in the fridge.

These yogurts expired July 24 Today is Aug 12. What should we do? Run for our lives

related: Who’s the smartass?

Tags: Canada · fridge · most popular notes of 2010 · rebuttals · roommates · smartass · yogurt

A thinly veiled tattletale

August 19th, 2010 · 27 Comments

While sorting through some old papers, Christina in Natick, Massachusetts was about to throw away this childhood note she had written to her Mom (and Dad too!), when her husband, Aaron, intervened. (Apparently no amount of coaxing could tease out exactly what horrible sin Paul committed, so feel free to speculate wildly.)

Dear Mom, Paul was not nice to me while you were away. I don't want to to tell you what he did because I love you very much. (Dad, too) Hope you had a good time, you know. Love, Christina P.S. Brigid is a pain right where I sit!

P.S. Hope you enjoyed it, you know.

related: Be sure to say goodbye forever

Tags: heart · kids · Moms & Dads · p.s. · siblings · signed with love

Could you spare a tissue for the lady?

August 18th, 2010 · 58 Comments

When Sal spotted this notice at an athletic clothing store in San Diego, he says that while he couldn’t quite picture how a tissue would get the job done in this situation — not to mention how this policy came to be —  “I figured it was best not to ask questions.”

Ladies...if you happen to have forgotten your undies, please ask us for a tissue. We would appreciate it if you didn't try on our apparel commando!

Meanwhile, when I first read this sign — from a club in Vancouver — my first thought was, “Well, that seems like a reasonable enough request.” Our submitter, Cherisse, begs to differ. “Sadly, there is no bathroom backstage,” she explains, ” wnd when a girl’s gotta go, sometimes the other end of the club is a long ways a way.” She adds: “If it wasn’t for the used paper towels being left outside, no one ever would have known.”

ATTENTION LADIES ANYONE CAUGHT PEEING OUT THE BACKDOOR WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY

So… like Sal, I’m gonna say it’s probably best not to ask too many questions about this one.

related: “Who leaves their panties in the bathroom at work?  Who does that?”

Tags: actually totally reasonable · bold-underlined-caps · hygiene · piss · retail hell · San Diego · Vancouver · WTF?

HELP! MY COMPUTER IS STUCK ON CAPS LOCK!

August 17th, 2010 · 75 Comments

Our anonymous submitter in Rhode Island has the distinct privilege of working with a person “who writes policy like it’s a new religion.” On her orders, the IT department instituted a program that automatically locks down your computer after two minutes of activity, but apparently that wasn’t enough to satisfy this self-appointed office cop.

One day, after dashing over to pick up a document from the shared printer, our submitter returned to find this somewhat clumsy attempt at an object lesson. (From then on, our submitter vowed, she would never play so fast and loose with her computer’s font settings again.)

THIS IS WHY WE LOCK OUR COMPUTERS WHEN GETTING UP FROM OUR DESKS

related: Paying through the spout

Tags: office cop · warning

Facebook: enabling your Mom to embarrass you in new and increasingly far-reaching ways!

August 16th, 2010 · 61 Comments

Writes Natalie in Pennsylvania: “My mother (who is unfortunately on Facebook) noticed that some of my extended family had wished my twin sister happy birthday but not me.”

Although Natalie herself couldn’t care less, her mother — “a master of both e-mail networking and Jewish guilt”—  took it upon herself to write this e-mail and send it out everyone in the entire family. “And I mean EVERYONE,” Natalie says — “my cousins in Mexico got it!” [Face palm]

(If you can’t decipher the hideous font, mouse over the image for a translation.)

Dear Ones, It has come to my attention that a matter of sibling unfairness has arisen. Please do not think for a moment that I consider this to be an intentional slight by any of you. But matters that by some (or one) perceived as wronged must be put right by us all. Therefore gentle relatives you must mind your manners and know that birthday greetings to one twin on her face book page must be matched by the same greeting to the other on hers. She who hears nothing from her dear ones on the day of her rejoicing must think herself unloved and surely that is not the relative intention. Yours truly, Your Aunt, Sister and Mother

(What would Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield do? Find out in Sweet Valley High #144: Relative Intentions!)

related: Yet another reason why you shouldn’t be friends with your parents on Facebook

Tags: birthday · e-mail · etiquette · Facebook · family · guilt trip · Moms & Dads · siblings

Dropping the Big C…for charity

August 15th, 2010 · 127 Comments

Courtney in Missouri was perusing the silent auction items at a political fundraiser she was attending when she noticed the bit sheet for a gift basket called “Pamper Yourself or Someone You Love.”  Although the basket was valued at $235 (the full amount, of which, of course, was going to the fundraiser) no one seemed to have the temerity to outbid the $100 bidder. I wonder why?

$100.00 - for someone who has CANCER!

$100.00 - for someone who has CANCER!

When she stopped back just before the end of the auction, Courtney says, “my repeated taking of pictures of the bidding sheet seem to have led the person in question to raise their bid to $125…without any reference to possibly terminal illnesses.”

Perhaps Carol rethought her “charitable” decision to gift the basket to someone with cancer. (Chemo-induced vomiting is bad enough, but foisting Eat, Pray, Love on someone? Now that’s just cruel.)

related: Playing the Holocaust card

Tags: Missouri · oh no you didn't

For Sale, Cemetery Plot, Never Used

August 13th, 2010 · 47 Comments

Who knew? If you’re in the market for cemetery plots at bargain-basement prices, apparently the go-to place is…the women’s locker room at the gym. At least that’s where our submitter in East Lansing, Michigan spotted this notice (which was clearly not penned by Hemingway).

Happy “WTF?” Friday, everyone!

SAVE $1550 For Sale: One Cemetery Plot (our mother requested cremation, so we aren't using this, now) Deepdale Cemetery (Chapel Garden) If purchased today @ Deepdale, this will cost you $2195 WE WILL SELL FOR ONLY $500 (PLUS DEED TRANSFER FEE) Please Contact [redacted]

related: Please, No Breast Cancer trash!

Tags: gym · Michigan · Moms & Dads · not so much passive-aggressive · WTF?

The dos and don’ts of “Do not touch”

August 12th, 2010 · 52 Comments

Nadia in Greensboro, North Carolina spotted this gem of a “you break it, you buy it” specimen at a local thrift store. “Apparently,” she writes, “Secondhand Punctuation Has Its Drawbacks? You Can’t Pick And Choose? You Have To Make Do With What You Have On Hand? Handwritten Notes Are Not Exceptions?”

Please Ask For Assistance Before Touching? If You Break You Buy?

The D.C. tourist trap that Amy visited took a less tentative tack with its signage, though I doubt the “four times is better than one” approach is any more effective.

warning Kids do not touch Kids do not touch Kids do not touch Kids do not touch You break and you will pay full price.. no exceptions

These two stores, on the other hand, pretty much nail it with reverse psychology.

Go ahead, put your mouth all over these, everybody else does. God weeds out the weak.

LICE? WE HOPE NOT — GOOD LUCK!! TRY ON ANOTHER HAT....!

related: As Davy Crockett once said…

Tags: bad sales pitch · confusion??? · New Jersey · retail hell · reverse psychology · touching · unnecessary "quotation marks"