Entries from August 2010

The mother-son relationship is always “special”

August 11th, 2010 · 53 Comments

At the local community centre, Isabel in Bolton, England (Home of the “White Men”) spotted this board put together by some Sunday School children entitled “My Mum is Special.” (Kudos to the teachers for allowing the kids considerable latitude in how they chose to define “special.”)

My Mum is special because...She is very forgetfull [sic] and never listens. -Jacob

related: My Mommy is special because she has a potty mouth.

Tags: kids · Moms & Dads · U.K.

I’m sorry if this is rude, but…your mere presence offends my delicate sensibilities.

August 10th, 2010 · 85 Comments

Our submitter in Orange County, California came across this note on a table at the local public library while studying for the Bar Exam. “I figured the added noises would simulate the noises during the actual test,” our submitter says. “Apparently the noise isn’t the only thing that bugs some of the other patrons.” (What’s really bugging me about this note: WHAT IS UNDER THAT WHITE-OUT STRIP ON THE FIRST LINE?)

I'm sorry if this is rude. But...You smell. And you've been scratching your body constantly. Please go take a shower when you get home. I'm studying for an important exam and your lack of hygiene is affecting my concentration.

Meanwhile, Daryl in Vancouver, B.C. spotted this pinned to the bulletin board at his gym. I don’t know if this means I’m going soft, but the thought of creepy bicycle-shorts guy walking up to the bulletin board and reading this while all of the other little kick-boxing vixens look on actually makes me feel sorry for the guy.  The note’s amusing, I guess, but it also seems a little…below-the-belt, no?

Bicycle shorts are an incredible invention. For the avid cyclist, the form-fitting design allows for freedom of movement temperature control and comfort. But when worn to a boxing class, especially in conjunction with a baby blue tank top, they can pose several dangers both to the wearer and those around him. Beyond the obvious aesthetic perils bicycle shorts can create by highlighting abnormally small genitalia, these types of shorts, when worn with a sky blue wife beater, create unease and discomfort among female classmates. This is mostly due to the fact that in 1928 the official uniform of sexual predators was declared to be black bicycle shorts paired with a powder blue tank top. Thankfully, in 1929, boxing shorts were invented, thereby eliminating any chance of someone showing up to a boxing class dressed as a convicted rapist.

related: You seem like really nice people, but…

Tags: a little insensitive · attire · gym · library · mean girls · noise · odor

What do God, recycling, and ultramarathons have in common?

August 9th, 2010 · 62 Comments

Uh, you got me. The employees at the Arizona Blockbuster store where the manager posted this sign were similarly stumped. Writes our submitter: “I’m all for recycling, but I have to wonder who’s forcing her to run a 100k marathon…not to mention what that has to do with recycling paper.”

Nothing with personal information on it! Everything else! I have to run 100k marathon, you bitches can recycle. It's God's Way. :)

related: Al Gore knows

Tags: Arizona · crazy boss · God · recycling · smiley · WTF?

Hard times with hard water

August 8th, 2010 · 83 Comments

This seems like a reasonable enough request to ask of your housemates…except for the fact that, as Jason explains, “Our water is full of assorted minerals (and who knows what else), and drips from the ceiling above the bathtub all day.”

Please stop urinating in the bathtub. None of us need to deal with that.

So those yellow stains in the tub? Yeah, not urine. Just evidence of a bathtub in need of some serious scrubbing. (And those pink stains on the water cooler? Probably not lipstick.)

But if your shower smells like piss…well, it’s gonna be hard to blame that on hard water.

Dear Pee Bandit,  Sometime the shower smells like urine. Whoever you are, please stop.  Love, the rest of us

related: Who takes a crap in the shower?!

Tags: bathtub · Oops? · piss · shower · signed with love

If there were ever a time to hold your red pen…

August 6th, 2010 · 111 Comments

Spelling & Grammar Nazis…not necessarily known for compassion and self-restraint. Sure, maybe there is “a time for every matter under heaven” — but maybe this isn’t wasn’t the best time to point out your superior knowledge of homophones?

thanks but I don't really think that was necessary. I hope you get the point that she died.

(Thanks to Robin in Las Vegas for submitting.)

related: “Domestic violence isn’t cool but neither is keeping us all awake.”

Tags: a little insensitive · Comic Sans Alert · most popular notes of 2010 · thanks (but not really)

Stone cold crazy like a fox

August 5th, 2010 · 72 Comments

For her 28th birthday, Jennifer in Arizona received this thoughtful card from her mother-in-law (who apparently comes from the same school of gift-giving as my own Grandma Cookie).  “Since April I’ve lost 15 pounds,” Jennifer explains. “Apparently she’s concerned that I’ll gain it back.”

Your [sic] doing So great. Didn't want you to Have too much, But just enough. Have a great Birthday!

related: Take this and go buy yourself a couple of scales, okay, sweetie?

Tags: Arizona · birthday · ice cream · irregular capitalization · Mothers-in-Law · your/you're

No more dipping into the day care baby dippers

August 4th, 2010 · 113 Comments

“Typically, the people at my son’s day care just tell me when he’s running low on diapers or they write a note on his daily progress report,” says Lindsey in Peoria, Illinois. “Last time I forgot, and he had to use a few of theirs. I guess this was his teacher’s passive-aggressive [Ed. note: AND TOTALLY CREEPY] way of ensuring that I’d remember this time.”

(It worked.)

NEED MORE

related: Is your babysitter trying to get in your kid’s pants?

Tags: Illinois · kinda creepy · Moms & Dads

NEWS ALERT: Dark alley not the safest place to store your personal belongings

August 3rd, 2010 · 92 Comments

Okay, dude, I really don’t want to kick you while you’re down — getting your scooter stolen definitely sucks. (Also, based on the rage level in your note, I think you’d probably kick back pretty hard.) And yet…I’m not really buying your framing of this as some kind of public service announcement.

For one thing, I’m guessing that if you took a poll of your neighbors (including Alex, our submitter) and asked, “Hey, did you know that if you leave your personal property in this alley, it could get stolen?!” I’m pretty sure most would respond with someone along the lines of, “Uh, no shit.” Just sayin’.

This Alley is a Magnet for Thieves! People steal shit out of this alley all the time! If you leave your shit in the alley IT WILL BE STOLEN! THIS IS A FUCKED UP NEIGHBORHOOD! Some asshole stripped down all the parts off of my two scooters! They stole over $1000 worth of parts! Why would you steal my scooter parts?  YOU'RE A FUCKING FILTHY THIEF! Congratulations on your fucked up life! Your mother raised a great child! Your parents are some special people!

related: Paintball punk is playing at my house (my house)

Tags: Denver · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not so much passive-aggressive · scooters & mopeds · stealing

Your mother doesn’t work here…so security will have to escort her out.

August 2nd, 2010 · 54 Comments

I think this has got to be my new favorite (unintentional) twist on the old “your mother doesn’t work here” trope. So congratulations, overbearing office manager! The three hours of company time you spent searching for just the right clip art — not to mention your charmingly cavalier disregard for spell-check — did not go unappreciated!

Community Kitchen Rules 1) Feel Free to use the supplies so graciously provided. 2) Your Mom is NOT allowed!!! 3) Please clean and scrub the supllies [sic] so graciously provided before putting them in the dishwasher.

P.S. I promise, from now on,  I will be sure to always clean and scrub the delicious Italian rice balls so graciously provided by the Phantom Mammas infiltrating our kitchen.

related: Yo momma doesn’t work here (or here, or here, or here)

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cleaning · clip art catastrophe · Denver · dishwasher · irregular capitalization · kitchen · Your mother doesn't...

Those heirloom tomatoes had sentimental value!

August 1st, 2010 · 87 Comments

Frustrated by fridge thieves who continually ignore your polite (or not-so-polite) requests to keep their paws to themselves? Don’t get mad — get creative! You could end up with something so crazy it might actually work…that is, if it doesn’t totally backfire.

You could go for the classic bluff, with the hopes that you’ll inspire just enough self-doubt to encourage the thief to go for the next lunch bag over.

1. Meds in here Don't drink 2. Danger: Rat Poop

My Husband has H1N1 and he made this sandwich

BOB'S URINE

Or you could hold out hope that the thief in question is either very lazy, very stupid…

An excellent theft deterrent...for thieves without opposable thumbs

"No unsecured items allowed in the refrigerator"

…or that he or she appreciates your twisted sense of humor enough to take mercy on your pathetic self.

Please stop eatin my eggs + cheese, Theyre Family Heirlooms.

Or you could just bring this for lunch. (Somehow, I think this would have been safe, even without the note.)

Apparently some sort of pickled fish?

Thanks to Theresa in Birmingham, Alabama; Stacey in Manchester, New Hampshire; Alissa in Memphis, Tennessee; and Marianne in Dublin, Ireland for submitting!

related: That’s breastmilk!

Tags: beverages · cheese · fish · food · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing · tea · water