Don’t you want to LIVE?

September 13th, 2010 · 70 comments

These two notes — both from Oregon — give me the urge to grab a gigantic fistful of napkins…and then noisily blow my nose with them. I mean, really. Wouldn’t a simple “Al Gore Knows” have sufficed?

Do you NEED that STACK of napkins? Did you know napkins come from TREES. TREES make oxygen. OXYGEN gives you LIFE! Don't you want to LIVE? I do, that's for sure! Think about it!! PLEASE conserve!!! Thank you! (No shit!!!)

NAPKINS are for current customers of this store only! They Are Not Kleenex

(Thanks to Anonymous in Wilsonville and Brad in Albany for submitting!)

related: Your light switch has blue balls.

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · Oregon · restaurant · The Earth


70 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Kay

    I’ve been watching napkins takers all over food courts, theatres, diners, delicatessens, etc. for years. Almost everyone grabs a stack unless the organization has invested in a napkin dispenser that forces the customer to take one at a time. Then it seems everyone counts the number they really need.

    But, No. We can’t change human behaviour en masse with a couple of p/a notes unfortunately. So in the end, I think the p/a notes were a waste of trees too.

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:12 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   dbm

    I needed those napkins. I’m a messy eater.

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:14 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Melodie

    There’s a big sign up at my local McDonald’s, guilting you into only taking one napkin.

    So I took one… and the cashier gave me six with no prompting from me.

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:15 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Anonymous 13

      what about the 27 ketchup packets they give you when you ask for “some”? I bet most people just throw those away, but we keep ours even though the ketchup’s not as good as our Trader Joe’s Organic.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 1:21 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      I’m just getting a chuckle over Trader Joe’s and ketchup together. :lol:

      Sep 14, 2010 at 1:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Madrias

      The ketchup packets are for giving to your kids so they can stomp on them, spread ketchup around the floor, and give the employees something to do. That way the managers get to listen to the employees whining about how they “hate kids cause they make a mess” and “If you’re not gonna use the ketchup packet, just throw them out.”

      Sep 14, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Ann

    So the business in the second photo rather have me wipe my nose in my own hand and touch their stuff?

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:21 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Pterosaur

      My sloppy, wet allergy season sneeze can go:

      a) On your napkin.

      b) On my hands, the merchandise, the wall, the counter, the door, and the customers.

      Choose wisely.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 9:41 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Maas

      The sign only dictates who can use the napkins, not how they can use them. Customers can have napkins, and blow their noses on the napkins, but Kleenexs cannot have napkins for any purpose. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “What if the Kleenex is a customer?” Well, Kleenexes aren’t allowed to make purchases in the front, they have to go around to the back window if they want to buy something, because they’re dirty.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 2:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   shwonline bang

    Napkins come from trees. Trees make oxygen. Oxygen gives you life. “Life” starred Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy was in “Showtime” with Robert DeNiro. Robert DeNiro was in “Sleepers” with Kevin Bacon.

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:25 pm   rating: 126  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Canthz_B bang

      “WORD!” worthy in only 13 minutes!!! :-)

      Sep 14, 2010 at 1:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well played, shwonline. Well played.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 7:23 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Mo®

      YAY!!!
      As we all know everything is better with Bacon!

      :grin:

      Sep 14, 2010 at 11:15 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      Oh, Mo. Very nice. Consider yourself thumbed.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   DS

    Just sneeze all over the napkin dispenser

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   zanie

    Those napkins were fucking delicious!

    Sep 13, 2010 at 9:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I hate you.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 7:23 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Madrias

      Sadly, no matter how many times I clicked the thumb, I could only give you one thumbs-up. I think I clicked it 5 or 6 times.

      Nov 7, 2010 at 9:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Michelle

    Stupid hippies.

    Sep 13, 2010 at 10:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   catburglar

    No, napkins are not Kleenex™, but are they tissues that work for the blowing of the nose? You bet!

    Sep 13, 2010 at 11:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   anglophile bang

      Kleenex does in fact make napkins, so while all Kleenex are not napkins, some are. We need a Venn diagram for this.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 8:43 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   MAMARILLA2 bang

    Those extra napkins that I pick up will end up in my glove box or purse to help clean the sticky fingers and messy faces of my children and grandchildren. They do not go to waste and are a darn site cheaper that wet wipes..

    Sep 13, 2010 at 11:47 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   SailorAlphaCentauri

      I’m with you on that one. It’s not like I take the napkins and waste them; I just like having extra to keep at home or in the car when I’m out of tissues, or when I order a drink and the moron doesn’t put the lid on tight enough and the drink spills into my drink holder.

      Also, those dispensers that prevent people from taking more than one at a time; those are fun to defeat.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:24 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   becca

      Exactly. I don’t take a few and throw them away unused. Any napkins I get that are “extra” are put to good use!

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      After paying over $5 each for a “value meal” that has no nutritional value and leaves you hungry, I figure I paid for those extra napkins, dammit.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 7:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Madrias

      Those napkins go in the car for when half of my burger falls in the front seat and I have to wipe it up before it ruins the vinyl. Or when my friend’s little brother thinks it’s funny that he threw that chocolate shake onto my windshield from the back seat.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 10:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   PDXLovve

    For what it’s worth, I think the first is from Por Que No, right? Totally worth it.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 12:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Nahhh bang

    Considering how often the kid at the drive-through gives me NO napkins, and I end up with loose-lidded coffee all over my upholstery, I figure that stack I take on the rare occasion that I actually Go Inside is owed to me. :P

    Sep 14, 2010 at 12:54 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Noelegy

      We recently went to Austin, Texas, which is a neon-blue spot in the middle of a red state (I am making no political commentary here, just an observation) and saw a billboard that said that when you idle in a drive-thru, your car emits exhaust fumes, so “Get Your Buns Inside!”

      Sep 14, 2010 at 10:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Patron:
    Hello, Sir. I’m a past customer of this establishment and, while I’m not disposed to making a purchase at this time, I really enjoyed your napkins.
    Do you suppose I could have a few?

    Proprietor:
    That’s the last straw!! We need a sign…or more memorable food.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 1:11 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    The “napkins are for current customers only” is the perfect counterbalance to the “Tips are great, so are you!” sign.

    I love to see a Zen master at work.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 1:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   park rose bang

      It’s all about living in the moment.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    I’d be willing to bet the guy who wrote “No Shit!!!” on the Greener’s sign put that stack of napkins to good use.
    Must be time to re-stock the restrooms.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 1:24 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   G

      I think Canthz B is really an office full of people; how can one man make so many responses — conspiracy theories anyone?

      Sep 14, 2010 at 7:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Michelle

      Either that or he has a lot of time on his hands. The best part of his day is to leave whitty comments on this site (among others I’m sure), which took all day to think of in order to execute them perfectly.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 3:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   GhostWriter bang

      “Say that again.”
      “Say what?”
      “Say what you just said.”
      “What did I say?”
      “You said ‘Whitty’.”
      “So?”
      “It’s Witty.”
      “That’s what I said; Whitty.”
      “You said it again, Whitty!”
      “Yes, I said Whitty”
      “It’s Witty!”
      “I don’t get what you’re saying.”
      “Say Witty!”
      “Whitty!”
      “Witty!!”
      “Whitty!!!”
      “Why do you keep saying it that way?”
      “What way?
      “Say Witty!”
      “Whitty!”
      “Witty!!”
      “Whitty!!”

      Sep 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   anglophile bang

      I’m pretty sure CB doesn’t give a whit about what people think about his wit.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 4:57 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   michelle

      HAHAHA I do find your response funny :) Seriously though? Don’t people get tired of making fun of other’s mistakes? It was a simple spelling error. Get over your “I’m better than everyone because I correct people’s spelling mistakes.” attitude. In real life people do not like people like you. Luckily you are behind a computer screen. :)

      Sep 14, 2010 at 7:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Canthz_B bang

      All day thinking them up? I must have the magical computer that shows the timestamps on the comments, and others cannot see that the comments were all posted within a relatively short period of time.
      Really, michelle, what’s good for the gander is good for the goose, so stop honking about being called out for your mistake.
      Kind of funny really, making fun of good grammar with a spelling mistake on your own part. You should have expected someone would comment on it.
      No, I’m not perfect, but it’s good to know you recognize quality execution when you see it!!

      G, sorry if my ability to think of more than one joke a day distresses some people, but it doesn’t take an entire office of people to see a subject from multiple points of view…just a brain in your head.
      Tell the truth, you’re really just mad that I figured out the “tips” sign and you couldn’t no matter how hard you tried. :lol:

      I also walk and chew gum at the same time, when I’m not defending myself from internet attackers who seem to have nothing better to do than to, not attack the content of my jokes, but attack me for making the jokes in the first place.
      If you disagree with one of my comments, post why you disagree with it. A discussion about the subject might ensue.
      If you just don’t like “Canthz_B”, fuck you and the horse you rode in on…because no one cares whether you like him or not but you.

      Sorry, G, I didn’t see the “Limit 1 Per Customer” sign, but will observe that rule if everyone else does so as well. ;-)

      Sep 15, 2010 at 1:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   Stewie

      I don’t know what you are getting all work up about Brian.

      Sep 15, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Divvitar

    Obviously the first note doesn’t take into account children (especially those under 7). You need a stack to clean up the spilled soda, the food on their seat, their faces, hands, shirts, the walls and the table. If you think it’s just my kids, you’re in denial. As for the second note, if you’re that anal about *how* we use the napkins in your restaurant, why not put out a box of tissues for me to blow my nose on? While you’re at it, fill the fucking paper towel dispensers and clean up the grafitti and gang tags in your bathrooms, so I don’t feel like I’m taking a shit at the bus station!

    Sep 14, 2010 at 1:40 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Canthz_B bang

      Probably best to speak of your own kids’ habits and not the table manners of other people’s children. We don’t have to be in denial just because we raised well-behaved children able to eat without making a mess of themselves and their immediate surroundings, you know?
      In fact, most of us are kind of proud of having done it…that being the job of a good parent and all.
      Perhaps those who have not done so console themselves by believing that all children have to be slobs, but they could be in denial. :-D

      Sep 14, 2010 at 2:22 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   April

      Lies. I worked in a daycare and I have yet to see a child over 2 be able to eat without getting food everywhere. Maybe you are referring to older children but I guarantee your children were not clean eaters when they were 2 and under. Most kids still remain messy till about 4. My kids stopped needing bibs about 3 but they still need hands and faces wiped after eating. It has nothign to do with table manners. It has to do with them not being advanced enough physically or mentally to always hit their mouth and hold their utensils still enough. Its a dexterity thing, not a manners thing.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 6:47 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      My son is 16 and can still make crumbs with an apple.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 7:26 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   She Ra bang

      My 6-year-old is a very neat eater and always has been. Maybe she’s just got super advanced motor skills, but I doubt it seeing as how much she tends to fall down.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   GhostWriter bang

      How many “Frasier” reruns did your 6-year-old have to watch before she became anal-retentive?

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:27 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   She Ra bang

      Not anal, just not a nasty little pig. It is possible for children to be free spirited and have decent table manners. Of course, for all I say my kid is a neat eater, I still take piles of napkins and keep the extras in a drawer in my kitchen. I haven’t purchased napkins in years. So I might be a horrible Earth killing bitch, but I’m okay with it.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.7   Divvitar

      Ok, so *most* children are messy eaters some of the time, contingent upon their overall development and motor skills. Is that better, CB?

      Sep 14, 2010 at 1:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.8   Limeliberator bang

      If your kid never makes a mess in a restaurant it’s usually because it’s the kid that runs through the place screaming like a banshee while the parents look on with apologetic smiles. How can it possibly make a food mess when it won’t sit down to eat?

      Extra napkins FTW!

      Sep 14, 2010 at 2:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.9   Canthz_B bang

      April, the comment I responded to said “under 7″, I wasn’t referring to 2 year-olds, but to 4 to 7 year-olds. Maybe you got mixed up in your head somewhere to get from 2nd-graders to toddlers (attention deficit disorder?), but no one with a brain would suggest that 2-year olds can eat without supervision and not make a mess.
      Children with the manual dexterity to tie their shoes, however (like those between 4 and 7), can be expected to competently handle fork, spoon and cup (proper cup placement on the table to avoid spillage is the parents’ job…pay attention).
      If they cannot, their pediatrician should be made aware.
      If they can and choose not to because mommy cleans up after them, it’s poor table manners (a reflection of, shall we say, not the best parenting skills).
      Maybe your time working with preschoolers taught you something about preschoolers, but you still have a lot to learn about the years to come as you raise your children. Try treating them like preschoolers forever and you and they are doomed.

      Sep 15, 2010 at 1:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   aaa bang

    I was originally intended to cost your company extra money by taking far more napkins than I needed, but after having been educated by these signs, the destruction of the environment has become an added bonus.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 1:55 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Madrias

      Hey, to add an extra bonus, grab a massive pile of napkins, get in your car, and then idle through the drive-thru.

      My car at least counterbalances one Toyota Prius with the blue smoke it makes. Maybe two on a good day when I really step on it.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 10:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   April

    Okay screw these people. My buddy and I would be their worst nightmare I guess. We both require a lot of napkins when we eat. We are just fairly messy when we eat and my nose does run when I eat especially something spicy. If they are that cheap they need to get into another business. That sign would not stop me from getting as many napkins as I always do and I don’t waste them. Every damn one gets used. Suck it.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 6:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Canthz_B bang

      LOL, this makes me think of The Coneheads from SNL! :lol:

      Sep 16, 2010 at 3:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Blueknittedmonkey

    It’s just the old red herring thrown out there. They don’t give a damn about trees or the earth. They sell drinks in Styrofoam cups and throw clean recyclable cardboard and plastic in the dumpster without batting an eye. What they care about having to wrestle a new stack of napkins into the dispenser…to them it’s like performing dental work on an unanesthetized grizzly bear.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 8:31 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   anglophile bang

    I really wish they’d leave my suicidal tendencies out of this. :(

    Sep 14, 2010 at 8:47 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   The Elf

      If you can’t think of yourself, think of others. Don’t you want the notewriter to live? Don’t you want children to live? Won’t somebody please think of the children!

      Sep 14, 2010 at 12:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Auntybron

      No.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 4:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Bunnee

    I can’t wait to see the note that they’re going to put up about all the cokeheads taking all those straws.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 9:11 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Limeliberator bang

      I steal sporks.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 2:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Pterosaur

    It is physically impossible to remove a single napkin from a spring-loaded dispenser without tearing it to shreds. Only a thick stack can withstand the brute force and death grip required for extraction.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 9:35 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Madrias

      Too true. This is why when I see “Take only one napkin please” signs, I grab one, and keep taking one till I get a whole one, discarding the shreds on the floor.

      Sep 14, 2010 at 11:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   girl in a cashmere scarf

    Yes, we can’t really change human nature. Me myself, I love taking extra amounts of napkins, more napkins than what I really need. I don’t know why. It’s like an impulse. I love free stuff. I just sort of take as many as I can, or if I’m a little bit shy because there’s so many people around, I’ll take five more than what I need and just stack the napkins on my bag.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 11:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   GhostWriter bang

    The reflection on the chrome napkin holder is Freakin-Me-OUT!

    Sep 14, 2010 at 12:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   The Elf

    I’m puzzled why they forgot to include “toilet paper, emergency panty liners, or passive-agressive notes to the establishment” on the second note. Surely, if you are going to be overly specific about the uses of your napkins you will want to cover your bases. The way this is written, I can buy a coke then grab a stackful of napkins for all sorts of purposes so long as I don’t use them as I would Kleenex. Restaurant owner, you are really underestimating my creativity.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 12:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Mo®

    Napkins are trees, NAPKINS ARE TREES!!!

    Oh yeah and Soylent green is people. That is all.

    Sep 14, 2010 at 2:03 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Madrias

    I used your napkins because you’re out of toilet paper in the men’s room. That and they feel better than that sandpaper you’re trying to pass off as toilet paper that I could have gotten out of a different stall. Oh, and will you go deal with the 4 year old who is intending on flushing an entire roll of toilet paper just to watch it plug up the toilet?

    Sep 14, 2010 at 11:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   John Drucker

    Which restaurant is that from in Wilsonville? Go Wildcats!

    Sep 15, 2010 at 11:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   pylgrim

    Oh, I can’t use the napkins as tissues? Very well, I’ll just cover the whole place in snot when I have a cold and my nose is runny. See if the cost of a few napkins will cover the cost of losing a few clients.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 12:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Cass

    Actually, only a small percentage of the earth’s oxygen comes from trees. The major supplier of breathable air to our planet comes from algae. You know, pond scum.

    The more you know.

    Sep 24, 2010 at 8:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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