In a recession, how companies harness the power of positive thinking can get a little twisted.
In Roanoke, Virginia, for example, Seth says “an uptight lady I used to work with — who almost certainly used to be a hall monitor — wrote this motivational quote in the windowless trailer I shared with about 20 coworkers and a vindictive, micromanaging boss.”
When he eventually got laid off, Seth says, the company tried to get him to interview for a different position — but those inspiring words on the whiteboard set him straight. “I decided that imagining myself without a paycheck was not enough to keep me coming back to that acre of hell.”
Elsewhere in Roanoke, meanwhile, kitchen staff at this restaurant/bar are greeted by these empowering words every time they trudge through the doors.
And of course, nothing can top this classic:
related: “Popcorn Thursday,” and 100o other ways to reward employees besides giving raises.
79 responses so far ↓
#1
anglophile
Just a hint to employers: if you need to have a professional sign made up to threaten your staff into doing their jobs, your management sucks.
Sep 14, 2010 at 5:00 pm rating: 113
#2
nome
What is it with the pink and blue pattern filling in all the self-contained holes in the font? I swear I’ve seen it before. Is it an actual thing done professionally, or at least in some kind of template? Because I’m imagining the writer of that sign looking at it and thinking “You know, that’s a little harsh. Hey, sweetie? Why don’t you make this pretty?” and handing it to her/his thirteen-year old daughter.
Sep 14, 2010 at 5:08 pm rating: 27
#3
anglophile
So, I guess Unknown didn’t really make a name for themselves on the motivational speaking circuit?
Sep 14, 2010 at 5:11 pm rating: 28
#4
Not That Nicole The Other Nicole
I am not going to make myself popular here, but I can kind of feel the pain on the last two (but not the first one. fuck you). I mean, it’s a little over-the-top to hang up a damn *sign* but I’ve worked for four companies and at all four of them most of the workers were lazy slackers. It’s always mildly shocking to find someone who actually has a decent work ethic.
I was able to write it off for the retail fields for a while, but seriously, I work in an extremely competitive field, for a top company, and even though I only work in the mailroom I cannot comprehend how lazy some of these people (and my higher-ups) are. According to the numbers I can literally do ten times the amount of work both of my peers complete in a day–and that’s post-giving-up-being-a-good-employee-and-deciding-to-spend-an-hour-a-day-on-sites-like-this-one (hyphen).
So yeah. Maybe if you’ve had such bad luck with previous hires you’re resorting to signs, you need to fire them and get better ones. A little slacking here and there is to be expected. The level of bullshit I witness is a disgrace. If you have any kind of work ethic and you’ve had to pick up the slack of your useless fucking coworkers, you’re probably feeling the same way to some degree.
Funny thing about asshole bosses, too–some of them are assholes all around and there’s not much to do about that. Some of them are just assholes to you because they’re not stupid and know you’re not doing your job.
Sep 14, 2010 at 7:11 pm rating: 32
#5
Nack
Nah, the signage is good. It’s a nice “Don’t Screw With Me” statement, and it rolls right along with the lazy kinds of employees that it is directed to. We’re talking about passive-aggressive workers, so this is like the voice of God whispering in their ears. I love it. Team “If you have a job, do it.”
Besides, nothing is passive aggressive if you’re working with teenagers. You have to do something to overcome the angst.
Sep 14, 2010 at 7:43 pm rating: 10
#6
RedDelicious
Those empowering words were fucking delicious.
Sep 14, 2010 at 7:47 pm rating: 3
#7
Courtney
I worked at a bookstore (that has since closed, wow, what a surprise) where the owner/resident tyrant came in one night just before closing. One of the employees was standing at the counter, doing nothing (there were no customers, and they couldn’t close the registers until closing). He fired her on the spot, assuming I suppose that this would motivate everyone else to look busy in his presence. Half of the staff quit the next day in protest (including the manager and assistant manager).
Also, I can’t believe someone had a professionally printed banner made up for this message. Writing it on a dry erase board or printing something on your computer is one thing, but a banner? O. M. G.
Sep 14, 2010 at 9:24 pm rating: 5
#8
Pterosaur
If it weren’t for us, you’d have no fucking heat this winter.
A Motivational Message From Your Human Resources Dept.
P.S. Why are you still reading this? GET BACK TO WORK or we’ll sack your ass give your job to a trained terrier.
His name is Skippy and he works for kibble. Do not fuck with us.
Sep 14, 2010 at 9:36 pm rating: 24
#9
Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)
The wonderful irony is that designing, ordering and hanging that banner was probably done on the company time.
I would kill for a job like that.
Sep 14, 2010 at 10:57 pm rating: 16
#10
Madrias
I’m wasting time in this job because no one will give me any work to do. You insist on giving all the work to the teenagers in hopes that they’ll actually do it, but really, they need a proctologist to put their phones in their behinds before you can make them work. Second, you don’t pay me well enough to get quality work. Third, you don’t pay me well enough to get crappy work. Fourth, your threat is a joke. Fire me and I’ll smear you publicly, after I get a new job working for your competitors.
Sep 14, 2010 at 11:10 pm rating: 6
#11
ISpy
To the staff:
If you cannot do your job, please feel free to find another one.
But before you do, please be sure to sign up for the Mongolia BBQ because some people like the fresh fruit/veggies that you usually bring because they are diabetic. Thx, Sandra
Sep 14, 2010 at 11:20 pm rating: 17
#12
AnonymousPunchingBag
My old firm had a banner reading: Row OR get or the boat! They also enjoyed handing out kool-aid during company meetings. Memory Lane!
Sep 14, 2010 at 11:46 pm rating: 1
#13
aaa
Appreciate jobs
No money, you say? Screw you
Guys, I’m going home
Sep 14, 2010 at 11:54 pm rating: 5
#14
Kim
I had a tee-shirt that said “I’d tell you to go to hell,but I work there, and I don’t want to see you all the time!”
Sep 15, 2010 at 2:09 am rating: 12
#15
Canthz_B
There’s a banner posted in my office which reads something like:
“A goal not met + A good excuse = A goal not met”.
It was such a relief to see because the pressure to make up a good excuse is now nonexistent.
Now, about those unrealistic goals set by incompetent managers who cannot do our jobs…
Sep 15, 2010 at 2:31 am rating: 16
#16
Canthz_B
To the staff…
If you cannot do your jobs, feel free to beat the crap out of the people we paid to train you.
Sep 15, 2010 at 2:44 am rating: 7
#17
Canthz_B
Signs like these were posted at the original Roanoke colony.
I don’t think they worked very well.
Sep 15, 2010 at 3:08 am rating: 8
#18
Bill Lumbergh
Employees should ask themselves all the time, “Is this good for the company?”
I’ll get you a copy of the memo.
Sep 15, 2010 at 8:11 am rating: 5
#19
Woman on the Verge
To better appreciate me as an employee, imagine my foot up your ass.
-WotV
Sep 15, 2010 at 8:34 am rating: 11
#20
GhostWriter
I spent the entire day yestserday imagining myself without a paycheck, and today my boss chewed me out for slacking.
Sep 15, 2010 at 9:02 am rating: 22
#21
eddy
Could almost use that 2nd sign here, since my co-worker barely does a damned thing around here. Of course, that’s assuming he could even read and/or comprehend it, which I doubt. He’s either insanely stupid, vastly under qualified or a bit of both.
Sep 15, 2010 at 10:20 am rating: 0
#22
Noelegy
This reminds me of my last job, in which we would have a dreadful grocery-store bakery cake with whipped-cream icing once a month to celebrate all of that month’s birthdays, and then our boss would say a few inspirational words, or update us on general news.
During the only birthday month that I celebrated while at that job, her words basically boiled down to “We can fire any of you at any time.” Gee, thanks, I feel ever so inspired. I think I’ll go work smarter, not harder, now.
Sep 15, 2010 at 12:45 pm rating: 2
#23
Glenn Friesen
Wow. This is a crash course in bad management 101.
Sep 15, 2010 at 1:19 pm rating: 4
#24
Snippy
“PLAN-WORK-OR”?
Sep 15, 2010 at 2:11 pm rating: 0
#25
H for Toy
I worked at a place that gave out certificates of recognition instead of raises. Every month, a few employees would be recognized for whichever inspirational poster they had been portraying in their work ethic. For example, I was recognized for “Initiative.” I don’t know how true that was, but the certificate certainly didn’t make up for not getting paid for the last 3 weeks I worked there, because the company went bankrupt.
Sep 15, 2010 at 2:34 pm rating: 1
#26
Edwina the Defrocked Nun
I don’t call it slacking. I call it pacing myself.
Sep 15, 2010 at 2:58 pm rating: 4
#27
EARL HAMSHER
I would absolutely vandalize that shit as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
Sep 16, 2010 at 1:05 am rating: 3
#28
TEENAGEDREAM
“To best appreciate your job, imagine yourself without a paycheck”?
Whatever. I work numerous overtime hours that I don’t get paid for. I hope whoever wrote that got a decrease in salary.
Sep 16, 2010 at 10:22 am rating: 0
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Sep 20, 2010 at 5:32 pm rating: 0
#30
JL
C’mon everybody: “Three cheers for capitalism!”
Sep 23, 2010 at 10:09 am rating: 0
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