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You’re (not) welcome!

September 16th, 2010 · 48 comments

Okay, I’m totally calling bullshit on this note (spotted by Seth in the lobby of his Brooklyn apartment building).

If one of your neighbors knocked on your door and said, “Hey, so, I’ve been really needing a doormat….can I have yours?” —  would your response really be, “Well, since you asked…here you go!!”


Shame on you for being a bold-typefaced liar, notewriter!

related: Wrath mat

FILED UNDER: Brooklyn · CAPS LOCK · neighbors · stealing

48 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Sirius¤ bang

    If that hand-shaped stain were red instead of blue, it would go a long way toward keeping people off your threshold.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 2:21 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Ndawg

      Is that the shadow of the guy who snapped the picture? Makes me wanna trace around it and make a Thanksgiving turkey.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 3:24 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Fake

      you can see someone holding it up in the background. If it ain’t held up by a non-human, it ain’t real.

      Sep 29, 2010 at 2:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Seth

      As the note submitter, what you see is actually the reflection of my hand taking the picture on my iPhone. The lobby is brightly lit and the paper was white, hence reflection. You can even see it is taped to the wall underneath and above the note.

      Oct 17, 2010 at 2:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #2   farcical aquatic ceremony

    And if you can’t afford your prescription mats, AstroZeneca may be able to help!

    Sep 16, 2010 at 2:37 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Clumber

      However, if your wait on the welcome mat lasts longer than 4 hours, you should contact a physician immediately to avoid possible permanent damage.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 3:28 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Mo® bang

      AstroZeneca is not for people who are on houseboats as they may experience soggy mats and bloating.
      (It’s not lupus!)

      Sep 16, 2010 at 5:01 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      If you or a loved one has died from a mat, you need Dunkum and Rainwater, attorneys at law.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 12:41 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #3   C

    If this note is accurate, then this person may have had their doormat stolen, but they ARE a doormat. So it evens out.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 2:43 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #4   MommaT

    I’ve recently had a conversation with a woman who told me her welcome mat was stolen. “If they’d just asked, I would have given it to them! I feel bad, because I tempted them to steal it!” (this conversation went on for awhile, all along these lines. It was her fault for leaving out the mat to steal, if they’d asked her for it she would have happily given it to them.)

    So, yeah, there are people out there who think this way.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 2:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   bowloftoast bang

      Well, it did say ‘welcome’ on it. I presumed that to mean I was welcome to take it.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 3:47 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Limeliberator bang

      wow. I’m guessing that it took 56 minutes to create this idiocy. 1 minute to think of it, 4 minutes to type it with the most eloquent wording, 3 minutes to delete it and re-type it in caps, 2 minutes to choose which word will be highlighted in red, 6 minutes to choose the proper font and size (emphatic, but not annoying), 10 minutes to go to the lobby and tape it up, and a half an hour to point it out to all of the neighbors coming and going while hoping someone would be sympathetic enough to come forward and ‘fess up when maybe all she really had to do was walk down the hall and see which stoop got a makeover…..

      Maybe she should have offered a reward.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   Citrico

    Last time I lost my welcome mat it was the wind. I found it later blown off the deck.

    I was disappointed because it had a pineapple on it.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 3:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Clumber

      …the pineapple was on it before or after it got the blow job?

      Sep 16, 2010 at 3:29 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Mo® bang

      And now it is under the sea…

      Sep 16, 2010 at 5:02 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #6   Sesquipedalian

    Nothing says “I love to share” like an accusation of theft emphasized with red ink.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 3:41 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #7   Drake

    It’s bald-faced liar. With an “a.” It refers to clean-shaven con men, as opposed to those with beards to help hide the fact they’re lying. It means a very confident liar. It has nothing to do with typeface or the way the lie is told. It just refers to the liars skill.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 4:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   shwonline bang

      Yeah, right. Next you’ll be telling me that an Italic is not someone from Italy.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 4:26 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Jen

      I believe it was a pun?

      Sep 16, 2010 at 5:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Sirius¤ bang

      The underline conclusion is that Drake is without a sense of humor (sans comic?). He’s probably just a dingbat; no need to call the serif.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 6:12 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   park rose


      Sep 16, 2010 at 7:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   Nahhh bang

      Bold-Face Liar, the new pun font.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 8:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   Canthz_B bang

      Now you’ve done it, Drake…DUCK!!!

      Sep 17, 2010 at 6:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.7   Maas

      I think Drake might be joking too. I could believe a commenter trying to correct the bold/bald issue, not seeing the pun there, but that he/she brings in the typeface bit makes it hard to believe that the post is meant as a serious correction. Though maybe he/she is just dense.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 2:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   Mel K

    Stealing a doormat because you need one is not shameful- it is sad and boring. How cool can this doormat be? Really, was it from LLBean with a reindeer or loon on it?

    Stealing your neighbour’s doormat because it would be fun to (insert teenage fun activity here) is more realistic.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 5:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Madrias

      Sadly, too true. Around here, the teenage fun is to fill someone’s mailbox with rotten eggs after breaking them.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 11:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   H for Toy bang

      *Trying to picture breaking rotten eggs and then putting them into a mailbox*

      In that case, you should be able to follow your nose to the culprits ;)

      Sep 17, 2010 at 8:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   Madrias

      Kinda hard when the smell is so bad one ends up vomiting profusely. The other trick is to fill the mailbox with rotten eggs and break them by dropping a brick in there.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 1:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   H for Toy bang

      *Adds “drop a brick in” under Walker Tex’s idea (below) to my list of “Fun things to do when the kids to go camp.”

      Sep 17, 2010 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

    After reading this note I’ve decided that every time I visit one of my kids at their apartment, I’m going to take a random doormat and move it to someone else’s front door.

    After several weeks of fun, I’ll perform the royal flush of doormatfoolery — to take six or eight of them and arrange them in a tile format in front of a door previously naked of matting.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 7:13 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Kay

      LOL that was my image as I read the note… that some random teenager moved her doormat to another door as they walked down the hallway.

      Sep 16, 2010 at 8:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   orinoco womble

      I have actually done that…switched all the doormats in my building around (20 apartments). At 2 AM it sounded like fun, just because. You’d be surprised how long it took some people to notice the change.

      And I am way too old to engage in such tomfoolery, which made it even more fun.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 9:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   Worker 11811

      I don’t know Tom Foolery. I met Dick and Harry Foolery, though.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 11:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   Kate

    If one of my neighbors asked for my doormat I’d definitely give it to them. I like my neighbors, and doormats aren’t particularly expensive.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 7:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Michelle

    I personally give a way doormats to encourage people to go inside (not really). Did you know that when you step outside you inhale 1 liter of others anal gasses daily?

    Sep 16, 2010 at 7:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      excess whale sperm and anal gases–your brain is packed with the…best (?) stuff!

      Sep 17, 2010 at 10:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Michelle

      I’m a wierd facts person. It’s just my thing.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Madrias

      Well, I always try to fart outside unless I have company.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 1:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #12   crystal

    Someone stole my welcome mat once…who does that? :( I really liked it too.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 8:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   quat

    To my mat you’re “Welcome”
    Tho’ you really are a ho’
    To pull somebody’s “Welcome” mat
    From right in front they do’.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 8:28 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #14   Nack

    “It’s not stolen. Someone was killed on it. It was evidence. So it was collected, destroyed, or otherwise altered so that it couldn’t be traced back. I was doing you a favor! Imagine all the questions that brain-matter or blood would’ve brought to be!” ~ Welcome Mat “Thief”.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 8:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #15   maliss

    Would be extra funny if it was this mat.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 8:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   Kay

    This reminds of something my grandmother did shortly after moving into a senior’s apartment building. Coming home on a particularly nasty rainy day, she discovered that someone “had the nerve to leave their filthy galoshes” on her nice clean doormat. So she chucked them down the garbage chute, “thinking that will fix him!” Of course upon returning to her door, from the walk down the hall to the garbage chute, she discovered by the apartment numbers that she was on the 3rd instead of the 4th, having exited the elevator on the wrong floor in error. She had just chucked out some “innocent’s” galoshes for no reason. She didn’t leave a note.

    Sep 16, 2010 at 8:42 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

  • #17   Sarah

    No point leaving a note – the thief won’t be anyone who lives in the building (and if it is, well, pretty easy to get the doormat back)

    Once I waited ages for the lift in my building. I could hear it stopping on every floor. When it finally got to the bottom two girls got out. I got in, and realised there was a stack of doormats in the lift, with mine on top. I took mine back. Five minutes later the rest were gone.

    Sep 17, 2010 at 1:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #18   Liz

    I avoid purchasing “Welcome” mats, in case they give visitors the wrong impression:
    - welcome to ring my doorbell when they want? nope
    - welcome to take my mat with them as a memento? no way

    If you’re an anticipated and scheduled visitor (or you’re the FedEx guy with some nifty purchases), you are welcome to ring the doorbell. And if you’re really nice, I might even let you take my doormat with you.

    Sep 17, 2010 at 1:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Mel K

      I agree- welcome mats in apartment buildings are pointless. If your shoes are not clean by the time you walk through the building, what is wrong with you? You are not welcome in my home with dog shit on your shoes, nor would I want it on my welcome mat.

      I hate the artifice that people go through by wiping their shoes on the mat really well before coming in. It makes them look like dogs in the park after they have done a big job.

      Sep 17, 2010 at 2:30 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #19   Lhyzz

    I, too, live in a Brooklyn apartment building. We don’t have a welcome mat outside our door, because not everyone is welcome. We do have a doormat, but it’s on the other side of the door.

    Our extravagant next-door neighbor, however, has TWO welcome mats in front of her door. One keeps trying to migrate over to our side, but I keep kicking it back. Fuck you, welcome mat!

    Sep 17, 2010 at 4:14 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    Someone asked my overbearing neighbor for her doormat. I haven’t seen her husband since.

    Sep 17, 2010 at 6:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up


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