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How NOT to raise your neighborhood’s property values

September 19th, 2010 · 61 comments

Tim lives in Northwest D.C., “at the front of the gentrification wave” flowing east from Dupont Circle. “We have (only) one rundown/uninhabited house on the block,” Tim says, “and this morning one of the other neighbors decided to mow the front lawn to tidy it’s appearance a bit.” While taking out the trash later that evening, Tim noticed that his neighbor’s good deed had been rewarded by this neighborly thank-you note.

Dear whoever mowed this lawm [sic], FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. If you're actually responsible for this property, clean up the fuck hobo shit laying around. The entrance to the cellar smells like 100% human feces. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES.

(As far as the smell goes…perhaps some people were under the same mistaken impression as those near this West Hollywood residence?)

This is a lawn, not a fucking diaper, thank you. Love, The people who live here

related: Gentrification is insanit(ar)y

FILED UNDER: D.C. · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · Los Angeles · odor · shit · signed with love · thanks (but not really) · that's disgusting · there goes the neighborhood

61 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Madrias

    I spotted a typo in the first note: it’s supposed to be lawn, not lawm.

    As for trash all over, if it’s not my house, I’m not cleaning it up. I might toss trash in there as a point to make, though.

    Sep 19, 2010 at 9:49 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #2   sephe

    That hobo shit was fucking delicious!

    Sep 19, 2010 at 9:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I hate you.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 7:39 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   aaa bang

      And here I thought “fucking delicious” was going to go the way of the Unitard.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 11:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   The Elf

      I’m more worried about his diet.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 11:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   wright1

      Eat hearty, sephe. God weeds out the weak.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 3:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   park rose

      And throws hobo shit in the weeds.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 1:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #3   Rillion

    Looks to me like neighbor #1 clearly didn’t think he/she was writing to a nice neighbor, but rather to the actual owner of the house whom they thought decided to mow the lawn but not care for the property in any other way.

    Sep 19, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   se

      WOW, since you’ve already figured the puzzle out, we may as well just end this thread right now.

      Sep 19, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Captain Obvious to the rescue…I see the note says. “If you are actually responsible for this property..”
      So the note writer still covered their behinds. Ta ta da DA.

      Sep 19, 2010 at 11:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   jadefirefly

      Holy crap! You should go into detective work.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 1:35 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Ferrera

      Cue the peanut gallery.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 4:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Ms Planters

      Mon dieu! That is first class sleuthing, it is. You should be working on the Earhart and Hoffa cases!

      Sep 20, 2010 at 8:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   Mo® bang

      Mmmmmm. I love honey roasted peanuts. Peanuts in Dr Pepper or Coke is good too!

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.7   Mark bang

      Honey-roasted peanuts. Ingredients: “Salt, artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings…” Mmm.

      *pines for Mishee*

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.8   tinkerbell2

      Between #1 and #3 it’s a regular MENSA convention here..

      Sep 21, 2010 at 7:09 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #4   Tiff

    100% human feces, as opposed to 12% human with 82% cat shit

    I keep picturing fast food workers insidiously saying, “Fuck you very much for your order. Pull around.”

    Sep 19, 2010 at 10:14 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   dragontoy

      What is the other 6%? Lavender?

      Sep 19, 2010 at 11:33 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      6% Inactive ingredients.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Mo®

      6%- propellant.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 8:24 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   H for Toy

      Would it be bad if I said 6% fucking delicious?

      Sep 20, 2010 at 9:14 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   oi

      6% miscellaneous.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 9:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   aaa bang

    Fuck hobo shit? Is
    This shit from hobos you fuck?
    Who wants to fuck them?

    Sep 19, 2010 at 11:20 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #6   AnonymousPunchingBag

    This is quickly becoming my favorite blog. I have added it to my blogroll! Thank you for making me laugh each and every time I visit.

    Sep 19, 2010 at 11:21 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #7   Xenobio

    Since it’s an abandoned house, who the hell left the note? Some other hobo who was mad at the first hobo’s shit? If it’s another neighbour, why are they going in the cellar of the abandoned house?

    Sep 20, 2010 at 12:44 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   oi

      I second that!

      Sep 20, 2010 at 9:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Mo® bang

      It’s a stargate. But you have to work your way past all the hobo shit to get to MacGyver.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 10:45 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #8   Lori Vee

    Maybe the note-writer meant ‘fuck’ in that sentence to be a pausal expletive.
    “..clean up all the, fuck, hobo shit laying around.”

    Or perhaps they meant to insert a slash?
    “..clean up all the fuck/hobo shit laying around.”
    Meaning all the hobo shit or fuckshit, whichever there is more of.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 1:11 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #9   Charlotte

    Photo shop much? That note is not actually attached to that wall….

    Sep 20, 2010 at 1:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   stuffin'

      Or just a sloppy duct tape job. Most of the tape has peeled off but the whole thing appears to be hanging from the top piece. Apparently duct tape doesn’t stick well to dirty crumbling brick walls.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 3:09 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   aaa bang


      Sep 20, 2010 at 11:09 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   The Elf

      The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:04 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Mo® bang

      How do I let them know because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? I hope I didn’t just say that all out loud just now.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:42 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   Kaely

      Honestly why would you bother to shop this? It would take more time to do it on the computer than it would to print the pages out and drive around to your nearest crumbly wall and take a picture if you were so desperate to fake something on pan.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 1:45 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?

      Sep 20, 2010 at 1:55 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   Janellionaire

      No no, someone says this is photoshopped, and they probably know, because of pixels, and shadows and stuff that is above all of our normal-seeing eyed selves. It is useless to argue that it would be pointless and stupid to shop this, they know. Just accept it.

      PS this comment was photoshopped.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 2:59 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   Timisthecoolestmanintheworld

      To me, the pixels say “you must be as smart as fuck hobo shit to think this is ‘shopped”

      Sep 27, 2010 at 6:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   Feh!

    As always, no good deed goes unpunished.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 1:33 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #11   Janellionaire

    “Fuck hobo shit” – my new favorite cuss.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 1:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Ndawg

      I’ll have to add “fuck hobo shit” to “douche canoe” and “sanctimonious fuckbucket.” This blog enriches my vocabulary every day.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 10:58 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #12   orlanemo

    It appears to be in the form of a letter – “Dear whoever mowed the lawn”. Therefore the last two line are a signing off “THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES,” So they seem to be accepting that they are assholes themselves… fair enough

    Sep 20, 2010 at 5:15 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   vandal99

      I thought they were thanking the assholes for the feces.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 10:20 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   meri

      @vandal99 that is what I thought, too.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 11:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #13   Addie

    And here they keep telling me Northwest is a nice place to live. I suppose it’s still better than Southeast.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 7:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   DecaturPen

      ain’t nothin better than the southeast!

      Sep 20, 2010 at 10:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   The Elf

      It’s DC. You know what’s better? Maryland and Virginia.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 11:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   I don't care pimp your shit elsewhere

    Hobo shit comes in many forms…

    Sep 20, 2010 at 8:28 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #15   Mo®

    Dear Assholes,
    We cellar all of our hobo shit for four years to bring out the nutty bouquet that you expect. We supply the Northwest with the finest hobo shit and we deliver no hobo shit before it’s time.

    You’re Welcome,
    Guano Brothers Cellars

    Sep 20, 2010 at 8:36 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   H for Toy

      Dear People who Live Here,

      I am too old to wear a diaper, but I was under the impression that this was a big-girl-potty.

      The Person who Shat Here

      Sep 20, 2010 at 9:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Mo® bang

      Is this where we have the german Scheißeporn discussion and the fecal mist debate?

      Sep 20, 2010 at 10:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   Divvitar

    What?!? Fuck! No wonder I can’t get all of this grassy sod on my ass! It’s a lawn!

    Sep 20, 2010 at 10:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #17   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    Lawns are such a touchy issue. Here in Wisconsin, even upscale developments are starting to have massive swaths of landscaping planted in native wildflowers (formerly known as “weeds”) which saves greatly on maintenance, mowing, chemical treatments, and runoff. There are also restoration of wetlands (formerly known as “swamps”) to prevent flooding, attract wildlife, and breed mosquitoes.

    At the same time, you still can’t hang up your clothes to dry in the yard. I see where Vermont has a clothesline law now that bars homeowner associations from preventing residents from erecting a clothesline. Go, Vermont!

    Sep 20, 2010 at 10:58 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Noelegy

      That’s wack. I don’t understand how clotheslines in someone else’s backyard–if the homeowner has the typical 6′ privacy fence–is going to hurt anyone else. I live in Texas, and on a good hot, windy summer day, we can dry clothes on a line in about 30 minutes. Then again, I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford to live in some highfalutin neighborhood with a HOA.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Rattus

      You could not pay me to live in any neighbourhood with an HOA. I refuse to inhabit a world where some uptight citizens’ brigade can sue me for flying my drawers in the breeze and sunshine and won’t allow me to hang a beer-can wreath on my front door at Christmas. Not that I would, mind you, but I insist upon the freedom to do so if I wish. The wreath, that is. My drawers and sheet fly proudly every weekend.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 1:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   Limeliberator bang

      Goldfish eat mosquitoes. Feel free to stock your fake “wetlands” with them.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 1:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.4   Mike

      I live in a condo and the HOA drives me insane. When I finally move, it’s got to be a standalone property.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.5   The Elf

      Alas, around here it is the lowfalutin properties that have HOAs. Something about sharing structures does that. We used to live in a HOA community (townhome) because that is the only home we could afford. But I made sure I picked a weak one!

      Sep 21, 2010 at 6:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   Meesh

    I’m impressed that Tim can get his hobos to shit only near the cellar. My hobos keeping shitting wherever they please, even after I’ve rubbed their noses in it.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 11:59 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Mo® bang

      try a spray bottle filled with everclear if that doesn’t work go for the shock collar and fence.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 12:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #19   Tiffany

    I need that second sign for my lawn

    Sep 20, 2010 at 4:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   Xenobio

    Ahh damnit I just remembered about this docu I saw in my college library that i never got around to watching. It’s callled “Lawn and Order” and it’s about how Americans are obsessed with their lawns.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 6:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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