Which is your favorite ode to replacing the roll?
Entry #1, from Baltimore?
Entry #2, from New Orleans?
![THE TOILET PAPER THEIF [sic]: The toilet paper theif [sic] is at it again! This is so frustrating I don't know where to begin...You would think that for people so grown...That they would not steal toilet paper for reasons unknown...It is always the brand new roll and never the old...Also, the can of Lysol disappeared, or so I was told... My plea is simple, please do not disregard...Stop stealing the toilet paper you Fucking Retard!!](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4017/4541883019_cf1e7557d2.jpg "THE TOILET PAPER THEIF [sic]: The toilet paper theif [sic] is at it again! This is so frustrating I don't know where to begin...You would think that for people so grown...That they would not steal toilet paper for reasons unknown...It is always the brand new roll and never the old...Also, the can of Lysol disappeared, or so I was told... My plea is simple, please do not disregard...Stop stealing the toilet paper you Fucking Retard!!")
or Entry #3, from Long Island City?
related: Scatological poetry slam
Toilet Paper Poetry Slam
September 20th, 2010 · 46 comments
FILED UNDER: Baltimore · bathroom · ellipses-crazed · excessive capitalization · New Orleans · pure poetry · Queens · spelling and grammar police · toilet paper
46 responses so far ↓
#1
fate's bitch
Team passive-aggressive haiku!
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:04 pm rating: 50
#2
liddy
Toilet poetry, I never thought I would see,
but here it is posted for all humanity.
The critics in this venue are unhappy
and will tell your prose is rather crappy.
the end
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:08 pm rating: 21
#3
Jynical
Roses are red,
Carnations are pink.
If you wipe with out TP,
your fingers will stink.
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm rating: 42
#4
Aksijuice
The second has serious ellipses-diarrhea.
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:36 pm rating: 9
#5
Aksijuice
I feel terrible for #3. Of course there’s no paper. It wasn’t stolen, someone has clearly mistaken the roll for something else. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it back.
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:39 pm rating: 3
#6
JW
At least the third one presents a viable alternative to toilet paper.
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:56 pm rating: 10
#7
Team Douche
Douche!
Touché!
Sep 20, 2010 at 9:59 pm rating: 12
#8
jadefirefly
I choose 1. As long as a well-crafted limerick isn’t in the running, a haiku will always beat a sloppily-metered series of couplets any day.
Sep 20, 2010 at 10:40 pm rating: 15
#9
pasquared
I must say, I do like the use of bold-face and underlining in the third poem. Paired with the exclamation mark, it really speaks volumes about the subject. Indubitably.
Sep 21, 2010 at 12:11 am rating: 3
#10
Canthz_B
“Why steal the new roll?”
“Why not the old?”, you insist.
Two words…fecal mist.
Sep 21, 2010 at 12:15 am rating: 15
#11
Canthz_B
I like #3.
Actually, I put little reminders all along my toilet paper rolls at regular intervals:
“Rotate tires”
“Bathe dog”
“Change A/C filters”
You know, the same mundane things everyone else puts on theirs.
Sep 21, 2010 at 1:12 am rating: 15
#12
david
you can call it anal-douche, but thats more aimed to cleaning the inside of the bowels
Sep 21, 2010 at 1:47 am rating: 0
#13
The Elf
While #3 has a certain zen about it, #1 brings up the image of a woman on the toilet amusing herself while she waits for the air to do its’ work. That’s classy. But #2….. It’s just a shitty note.
Sep 21, 2010 at 6:05 am rating: 5
#14
S
Whoever wrote #3 didn’t replace it, either. Double douche!
Sep 21, 2010 at 8:08 am rating: 5
#15
Shalindria
I like the aggressive ending to #2, but the spelling on the header stinks like a #2
Sep 21, 2010 at 9:17 am rating: 1
#16
Woman on the Verge
I love the haiku
I don’t love missing TP
Drip dry is a bitch
Sep 21, 2010 at 9:20 am rating: 8
#17
Elmo
That last one, “Douche!” might be a suggested action rather than an epithet.
Sep 21, 2010 at 9:21 am rating: 0
#18
oi
“you would think that people being so grown…that they would not steal toilet paper for reasons unknown”
for reasons unknown? So poetry writer admits the reason behind not stealing are unknown? and hence reason behind stealing are well known so theft is really explicable.
Team NW takes long hard look at himself before writing self righteous poems.
Sep 21, 2010 at 11:29 am rating: 0
#19
Kittynuk
Love the 3rd one – so in the moment with the ball point pen. I will be bringing a writing utensil to the toilet with me from now on – just in case!
Sep 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm rating: 0
#20
Allie
I’d have to say the last one is the best, because brevity is the soul of wit.
Sep 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm rating: 1
#21
aaa
Is it theif or thief?
The spellcheck should’ve told you
Your poetry sucks
Sep 21, 2010 at 2:48 pm rating: 3
#22
aaa
Haiku is my deal
So you better back off, bitch
I’ll shank you with words
Sep 21, 2010 at 2:51 pm rating: 4
#23
aaa
Went to find marker?
Change the roll? The principle
Of the thing, you know
Sep 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm rating: 2
#24
Tiffany
LOL love the poems
Sep 21, 2010 at 4:08 pm rating: 0
#25
Lidda
My favorite bathroom poetry:
If you sprinkle,
when you tinkle,
Please be sweet,
wipe the seat.
Sep 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm rating: 0
#26
Scott A
I have to vote for number three.
Number one isn’t a proper haiku, which ought to be a nature poem rather than just something with a certain number of syllables (and is he quiet or silent?)
Number two has no sense of meter, let alone punctuation.
But number three boldly pins its colors to the mast. Simple. Elegant. Vulgar.
Sep 21, 2010 at 8:59 pm rating: 3
#27
Sixthirtythree
#1. The drip dry had me laughing.
Sep 21, 2010 at 10:31 pm rating: 1
#28
TippingCows
I like the sparseness of the atmosphere entry #1 implies. It feels like Chinese Water Torture takes on a whole new meaning.
Aw sheet, I just gotta give them props for goin’ all haiku on dem asses.
Sep 21, 2010 at 10:48 pm rating: 1
#29
Rene
I’m taking up for #2. Everybody else seems to not like it. But I just love the “you fucking retard” at the very end. #3 is pretty good also, but I don’t dig haiku.
Sep 22, 2010 at 10:19 am rating: 0
#30
Madrias
I personally don’t like any of them, but that’s cause I’m the one who puts a post it note on the empty roll, with “Would you wipe with this? No? Change the fucking roll!” written on it.
Sep 23, 2010 at 2:31 pm rating: 0
#31 DRIP-DRY ONLY, LADIES! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Toilet Paper Poetry Slam TweetShare0mail [...]
Mar 8, 2011 at 11:26 am rating: 0
#32 Couplets for the Crapper | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
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Sep 13, 2011 at 6:03 pm rating: 0
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