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Toilet Paper Poetry Slam

September 20th, 2010 · 46 comments

Which is your favorite ode to replacing the roll?

Entry #1, from Baltimore?

Toilet Paper Haiku: Quietly I sit. Waiting silently. Drip dry. The roll is missing.

Entry #2, from New Orleans?

THE TOILET PAPER THEIF [sic]: The toilet paper theif [sic] is at it again! This is so frustrating I don't know where to begin...You would think that for people so grown...That they would not steal toilet paper for reasons unknown...It is always the brand new roll and never the old...Also, the can of Lysol disappeared, or so I was told... My plea is simple, please do not disregard...Stop stealing the toilet paper you Fucking Retard!!

or Entry #3, from Long Island City?


related: Scatological poetry slam

FILED UNDER: Baltimore · bathroom · ellipses-crazed · excessive capitalization · New Orleans · pure poetry · Queens · spelling and grammar police · toilet paper

46 responses so far ↓

  • #1   fate's bitch

    Team passive-aggressive haiku!

    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:04 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

  • #2   liddy

    Toilet poetry, I never thought I would see,
    but here it is posted for all humanity.
    The critics in this venue are unhappy
    and will tell your prose is rather crappy.
    the end

    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:08 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #3   Jynical

    Roses are red,
    Carnations are pink.
    If you wipe with out TP,
    your fingers will stink.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

  • #4   Aksijuice

    The second has serious ellipses-diarrhea.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:36 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #5   Aksijuice

    I feel terrible for #3. Of course there’s no paper. It wasn’t stolen, someone has clearly mistaken the roll for something else. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it back.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #6   JW

    At least the third one presents a viable alternative to toilet paper.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:56 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   T

      That’d be a bidet, not a douche. They aim at different orifices.

      Sep 20, 2010 at 11:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   JW

      T, obviously a man.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Guy

      Don’t you mean T is obviously a straight man?

      Sep 21, 2010 at 1:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #7   Team Douche



    Sep 20, 2010 at 9:59 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #8   jadefirefly

    I choose 1. As long as a well-crafted limerick isn’t in the running, a haiku will always beat a sloppily-metered series of couplets any day.

    Sep 20, 2010 at 10:40 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #9   pasquared

    I must say, I do like the use of bold-face and underlining in the third poem. Paired with the exclamation mark, it really speaks volumes about the subject. Indubitably.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 12:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    “Why steal the new roll?”
    “Why not the old?”, you insist.
    Two words…fecal mist.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 12:15 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    I like #3.
    Actually, I put little reminders all along my toilet paper rolls at regular intervals:

    “Rotate tires”
    “Bathe dog”
    “Change A/C filters”

    You know, the same mundane things everyone else puts on theirs.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 1:12 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Gladystopia

      :::: imagines CB with a long scroll of TP stretched out before him, trying to write his litany of tasks in the order in which they will unspool before him, then winding up the roll again, stuffing it in the linen closet, and mixing himself a stiff drink.:::

      Sep 21, 2010 at 12:55 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #12   david

    you can call it anal-douche, but thats more aimed to cleaning the inside of the bowels

    Sep 21, 2010 at 1:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      Can anyone really understand the enigma which is the enema?

      Sep 21, 2010 at 2:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      With friends like these, who needs enemas.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 6:34 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Mo® bang

      I had no time to hate, because
      The grave would hinder me,
      And life was not so ample I
      Could finish enema, T.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 8:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   The Elf

    While #3 has a certain zen about it, #1 brings up the image of a woman on the toilet amusing herself while she waits for the air to do its’ work. That’s classy. But #2….. It’s just a shitty note.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 6:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #14   S

    Whoever wrote #3 didn’t replace it, either. Double douche!

    Sep 21, 2010 at 8:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #15   Shalindria

    I like the aggressive ending to #2, but the spelling on the header stinks like a #2

    Sep 21, 2010 at 9:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   Woman on the Verge bang

    I love the haiku
    I don’t love missing TP
    Drip dry is a bitch

    Sep 21, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #17   Elmo

    That last one, “Douche!” might be a suggested action rather than an epithet.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 9:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   The Elf

      Maybe the “Canoe!” was torn off?

      Sep 21, 2010 at 10:03 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   bowloftoast bang

      File it under allegory.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 12:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   oi

    “you would think that people being so grown…that they would not steal toilet paper for reasons unknown”
    for reasons unknown? So poetry writer admits the reason behind not stealing are unknown? and hence reason behind stealing are well known so theft is really explicable.
    Team NW takes long hard look at himself before writing self righteous poems.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 11:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Savannah

      Team Douche because it was obviously written while sitting on the can. Or maybe I want to think it was because that’s just funny. Also, “Team Douche” is funny.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 12:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #19   Kittynuk

    Love the 3rd one – so in the moment with the ball point pen. I will be bringing a writing utensil to the toilet with me from now on – just in case!

    Sep 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Rene

      i always take a pen into public restrooms with me so i can write next to what other people wrote and correct their spelling & grammar (or point out what an idiot they are, etc). i guess deep down i hope they’ll come back and be mad or grateful that i helped them out.

      Sep 22, 2010 at 10:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   The Elf

      Do you “correct” their capital “I”s too?

      In all seriousness, I’ve been tempted to do just that. There’s an advertisement I see around that uses text speak to advertise a graduate school. It makes my editing fingers ache.

      Sep 22, 2010 at 1:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   Allie

    I’d have to say the last one is the best, because brevity is the soul of wit.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #21   aaa bang

    Is it theif or thief?
    The spellcheck should’ve told you
    Your poetry sucks

    Sep 21, 2010 at 2:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #22   aaa bang

    Haiku is my deal
    So you better back off, bitch
    I’ll shank you with words

    Sep 21, 2010 at 2:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #23   aaa bang

    Went to find marker?
    Change the roll? The principle
    Of the thing, you know

    Sep 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   Tiffany

    LOL love the poems

    Sep 21, 2010 at 4:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Lidda

    My favorite bathroom poetry:

    If you sprinkle,
    when you tinkle,
    Please be sweet,
    wipe the seat.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   jadefirefly

      If there was a down-rank? I’d be hitting it.

      Sep 21, 2010 at 7:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #25.2   Kylie

      I’ve always preferred:

      “We aim to please.
      Will you aim too, please?”

      Nov 15, 2010 at 7:04 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   Scott A

    I have to vote for number three.

    Number one isn’t a proper haiku, which ought to be a nature poem rather than just something with a certain number of syllables (and is he quiet or silent?)

    Number two has no sense of meter, let alone punctuation.

    But number three boldly pins its colors to the mast. Simple. Elegant. Vulgar.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 8:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   Sixthirtythree

    #1. The drip dry had me laughing.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 10:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #28   TippingCows

    I like the sparseness of the atmosphere entry #1 implies. It feels like Chinese Water Torture takes on a whole new meaning.

    Aw sheet, I just gotta give them props for goin’ all haiku on dem asses.

    Sep 21, 2010 at 10:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #29   Rene

    I’m taking up for #2. Everybody else seems to not like it. But I just love the “you fucking retard” at the very end. #3 is pretty good also, but I don’t dig haiku.

    Sep 22, 2010 at 10:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   Madrias

    I personally don’t like any of them, but that’s cause I’m the one who puts a post it note on the empty roll, with “Would you wipe with this? No? Change the fucking roll!” written on it.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 2:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #31   DRIP-DRY ONLY, LADIES! |

    [...] Toilet Paper Poetry Slam TweetShare0mail [...]

    Mar 8, 2011 at 11:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   Couplets for the Crapper |

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    Sep 13, 2011 at 6:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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