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A clue that your whole “half-caf, extra hot, non-fat dressing-on-the-side” thing might be a bit much

September 23rd, 2010 · 94 comments

“Perhaps I was a bit too particular about what I wanted when I ordered my salad at lunch,” admits Daniel in Seattle. “I found this when I pulled it out of my bag back at the office.”

1 Bitch Salad

And from the Athens, Ohio Dept. of Disgruntled Baristas


related: Have it your way, jerk

FILED UNDER: cranky barista · most popular notes of 2010 · Ohio · restaurant · Seattle

94 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Kat

    That bitch salad was delicious!

    Sep 23, 2010 at 12:48 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Gippo

      Maybe he meant to write bitchin’ salad. That would mean it’s good?

      Sep 23, 2010 at 5:41 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   JetJackson

      Maybe it really was ‘bitch’ salad and pasta & co have a Vietnamese inspired menu.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #2   Mira

    Correction: That bitch salad was fucking delicious!

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:12 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I hate you.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:11 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   FeRD bang

      Naw, I’m with Mira. If you’re gonna say it anyway, why waste the opportunity?

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:51 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Canthz_B bang

      Because taking the opportunity to add air to the atmosphere is always a wasted opportunity perhaps?

      Oops…guilty of the same myself here!! ;-)

      Sep 23, 2010 at 8:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #3   MAMARILLA2 bang

    The Bitch salad comes with a side of Ass-hat bread. You can have it as a side with your choice of Douche canoe entree or Twat-waffle soup of the day. And for dessert a large piece of Dick-weed cake and a Fuck you caramel latte.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:22 am   rating: 72  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   aaa bang

      Is that twat-waffle soup made with blue waffles?

      (I’ve planted the seeds of curiosity. I want to see how many people come back screaming “WHY DID I GOOGLE THAT?!?!?!” I’m a dick. :D )

      Sep 23, 2010 at 12:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Mo®

      Can I substitute a Whimsical Fuckery Frosty for the Dick-weed cake?

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   amazon

      If you’re a Regretsy crossover, I think you mean Whimsicle Fuckery ;)

      Sep 23, 2010 at 4:18 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Mo®

      Say what!
      I stand corrected.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 5:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   James

      Douche canoe and Twat-waffle ??? those are new ones to me Love it gonna save those for someone special

      Sep 23, 2010 at 9:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   Elorel

      Nothing starts off your day, or ends your dinner, quite like a Fuck-you caramel latte. I have heard a That’s-what-your-mom-said mochaccino can also be a wonderful postprandial, particularly if it include extra bold beans, a slow roasting, and an exotic, fragrant chocolate syrup.

      Sep 25, 2010 at 9:13 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.7   anony-mouse

      3.1 aaa…

      MY EYES, MY EYES!!!!

      Sep 27, 2010 at 5:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #4   Marzipan

    I must know what was so particular about the salad!!

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   anglophile bang

      Get used to disappointment.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:52 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Yellowknife

      Princess Bride FTW.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 12:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Mo®

      As you wish.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:21 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   AuntyBron

      You keep using that word. I do not think that means what you think it means.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      You killed my father…prepare to die.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   anony-mouse

      I am the new.. Dread Pirate Roberts…

      Sep 27, 2010 at 5:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   Nack

    Wow, you know you’re ready to quit your job when you have to take your aggressions out on poor food items!

    Don’t worry, you do that often enough you’ll get fired.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:28 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   TheOldSchool bang

      I read in Consumer Reports that there were .03 liters of semen in the average latte.

      It doesn’t worry me too much, really. I figured it is just guys horsin’ around, engaged in a bit of playful rough-housing, and lettin’ off a little steam.

      Baristas are like sailors in the US Navy: always ready for some slap and tickle.

      Even rumpy-pumpy!

      Sep 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   park rose

      I wonder what the stats are for cappuccinos? There’s quite some skill that goes into whipping up the froth.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 9:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   orinoco womble

      “Ashore it’s wine, women and song. At sea it’s rum, bum and concertina.” (Peter Sellers, the Goon Show)

      Sep 24, 2010 at 6:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   Amanda6

    I comment all of never, but my god did these two notes tickle me just right.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:39 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #7   MinnKB

    Apparently the Bitch Salad is on the menu and those getting the order know JUST what goes into it. Otherwise, how would it have a name?

    Sep 23, 2010 at 2:20 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #8   Kou

    How special were these special orders? I’ve worked in kitchens plenty, you’d have to request some seriously over the top asshattery to make a salad difficult.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 5:22 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   pony girl

      Especially at Pasta & Co. It’s a bit pretentious anyways, they should be used to people with very particular requests, so for them to label this bitchy, *dang*

      Sep 23, 2010 at 10:27 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Mo®

      You’re a Pony, do you go there? I would think you would just like a sun dappled lea of late summer grasses.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   wright1

      Who knows… Maybe Daniel was the unwitting straw that broke the salad-prepper’s courtesy; the latest in a long line of picky customers.

      I say as long as the salad was otherwise up to Dan’s specifications, a little PA is cheap at the price. If the prepper were really teed off, they might have added some “special” garnish free of charge…

      Sep 23, 2010 at 2:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   pony girl

      I have friends in Seattle who go there. I’ve gone along for the ride a few times.
      and you’re right, I don’t like those store-bought salads, I ‘d rather find my own grasses, sort of on the hoof, if you will.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 6:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   FeRD bang

    “I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.”
    – Steve Martin in L. A. Story

    Sep 23, 2010 at 5:31 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Team Me

      “I’ll have a twist of lemon…”

      Sep 23, 2010 at 8:20 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   spoko

      My favorite bit from that scene is the woman who orders a twist of lemon, but didn’t order a drink.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 10:16 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #10   Kay

    Damn! I want me a Bitch Salad! A smart deli should note this and put it on their menu. People will line up out the door for the opportunity to order One Bitch Salad, please, oh, and a Diet Coke.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 5:51 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Flip-Flappin'

      …with a twist of lemon. No; make that a lime. Oh heck–I’ll have one of each.

      {gets a spitter}

      Sep 23, 2010 at 9:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   FeRD bang

      I’ll have a twist of lemon-lime!

      Sep 23, 2010 at 11:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   AuntyBron

      I want a Ho’ Salad. It’s like a Bitch Salad, only cheaper.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:23 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The Ho’ Salad is prepared with the Slap Chop.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:39 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   clumber


      Dammit, Aunty, you just made me choke on my OJ.

      (Nope, sorry… way too early in the am for me to be euphemistic )

      Sep 27, 2010 at 9:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #11   Xenobio

    I’m guessing the “Fuck You” coffee is for someone who either forgot to tip last time or is a chronic non-tipper.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 5:53 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   AuntyBron

      Or the Barista’s ex came around trying to hook up with her again.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:24 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    In Seattle they believe in getting straight to the point, and then pleasing the customer.

    In more passive-aggressive communities, there would be no “bitch salad” comment, but you’d find no fork or napkins when you settled down on your favorite park bench, in perfect weather, to enjoy your personalized salad.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 6:12 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I hope Daniel didn’t eat that. I’m pretty sure the Bitch Salad comes with spit dressing.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:13 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   bored@work

      And croutons that have been in contact with a ball sack.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   AuntyBron

      Um, WotV, I don’t think that was spit.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Splint Chesthair

    I’ve had people request that that certain vegetables be cut in certain particular ways (with absolute and not relative size suggestions, e.g. 1″ squares) and packaged separately and that all veggies re-washed with that special veggies soap.

    That made me want to rage but I’m generally a nice guy so no “Bitch Salad” but they deserved it.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 6:27 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Canthz_B bang

      So, you’ve met my fiancé, the “I-want-what’s-on-the-menu-but-make-it-this-way-instead” queen?

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:41 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   H for Toy

      Whoa… I knew you were getting married, CB, but I didn’t know you were marrying my best friend from high school!

      Sep 23, 2010 at 8:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   Splint Chesthair

      My wife has never once in the 8 years I’ve known her ordered something from the menu as-is. And we’re not just talking Applebees and TGIF cuisine either, which I might be able to understand. I mean expensive restaurants with highly capably chefs who spend their entire careers perfecting the blends of taste and texture that go into a meal.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 8:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   Canthz_B bang

      Splint, I feel your pain :lol: :

      “I want the bacon-cheeseburger, but no bun.”

      So, you want the grilled beef patty, with bacon and cheese toppings?

      “No. I want the bacon-cheeseburger without the bun.”

      “Excuse me, Ladies…I need to freshen up! Carry on.”

      Sep 23, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   The Elf

      Dupea: OK, I’ll make it as easy for you as I can. I’d like an omelette, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
      Waitress: A number two, chicken sal san, hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee. Anything else?
      Dupea: Yeah. Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven’t broken any rules.
      Waitress (spitefully): You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
      Dupea: I want you to hold it between your knees.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 9:11 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   Nahhh bang

      I’ve never spit in, or otherwise defiled, anyone’s food. However, in one restaurant where I worked as a grill cook, specializing in “hand-formed, made-to-order hamburgers,” we kept some…less than fresh…meat on hand for those who sent their burgers back more than once. Oddly enough, we got some of our biggest raves for those burgers. People are weird.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 9:53 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.7   The Elf

      “aged to perfection”

      Sep 23, 2010 at 2:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #13.8   Bunnee

      I think I’d rather have the spit than the rancid meat, Nahhh.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.9   Janellionaire

      I make salads for delivery, and take great pride in making them as “pretty” as possible, arranging all the veggies in a specific pattern to ease my OCD, and to make it easier for picky eaters to hunt down every last red onion or baby corn. One time a customer called in and complained about the produce segregation, requesting that her salad this time be “more mixed up.” Wanna know what my PA self did? I made the salad my way, then shook the hell out of it. Everyone wins.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 5:54 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #14   liddy

    I would be more worried about what was done to the salad to express their passive-aggressiveness before getting upset about what was labeled on the sticker (especially dubious would be the salad dressing). I would consider it a warning and that salad would be in the trash.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 8:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Splint Chesthair

      I used to work with a lady that sent food back to the kitchen about everytime we went out for lunch. I always used to tell her that she’s probably consumed more spit than anyone. She refuses to believe that it increases her chances of getting tainted food.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 8:44 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Hmm

      You can send food back to the kitchen?

      Sep 24, 2010 at 11:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    I’d rather have a nasty “message” . . . than a nasty “ingredient.” And I’m sure there’s plenty of that floating around.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 8:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   none

    I wouldn’t eat that bitch salad. Might be some special sauce in there….just saying

    Sep 23, 2010 at 8:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   Psycho

    These are the best pictures ever posted on this site.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 8:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   The Elf

    I’ve never worked in food service, but I have worked in retail. There were quite a few customers that I wish I could have packaged their items as a “bitch salad” or gussied it up with a bit of “fuck you” caramel. You’ll get 100 good customers and then you’ll get 1 that will make you hate humanity.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 9:14 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Riggsy


      I think everyone should have to do a stint working in retail. It should just be a life requirement.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 6:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #19   thrall bang

    I’ll have whatever she’s having…

    Sep 23, 2010 at 9:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   spoko

    Y’all are some paranoid types. I’ve seen many a restaurant kitchen, and have friends who’ve worked in them as well, and I’ve never once seen anyone spit on a dish before sending it out. Heard lots of them *say* they did it or *threaten* to do it or more often just joke about it. But never, not once, seen it done.

    Then again, I’ve only ever once seen waitstaff call someone a bitch to their face, which is basically what these two pics are (especially the coffee, which isn’t in a to-go cup).

    Sep 23, 2010 at 10:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Splint Chesthair

      Really? Because I’ve worked in three different public restauarant kitchens and I’ve seen some pretty nasty stuff on food that comes back. These were just your average chain dining establishments and I know it’s a small sample but I just assumed it was basically a coin flip’s chance of something bad happening to your food if you sent it back.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 10:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   aaa bang

      All of my friends who worked in a restaurant (about a dozen friends in at least as many restaurants) said they saw some fucking nasty shit going on in the kitchen. Every. Single. One. I think some paranoia is not entirely unwarranted.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Splint Chesthair

      yeah, that’s what I thought, I think spoko is in denial. I also forgot about the time I worked at the grocery store as a cashier. The bakery dude was a methhead and everytime I’d go back there and talk to him he’d be picking scabbs off his arms while making all the baked goods. He didn’t purposefully put the scabs in the goods but I know for a fact they made their ways in there. I told everyone in my family not to buy baked goods there.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   Savannah

      I’ve worked in several restaurants and seen some disgusting things, but I’ve never seen them done on purpose to certain people’s food. Basically, if you’ve eaten at a public restaurant, you’ve eaten something gross. I’ve never seen anyone spit or rub their genitalia in something. It was always more like…this dish has been sitting up here for awhile because someone else didn’t want it. A fly landed on it. Who cares? Give it to table 23. You get the idea.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:46 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   aaa bang

      I’ve heard some really damn nasty stories from my restaurant-working friends about seeing people intentionally doing gross things to the food. Blarg. :c

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.6   Splint Chesthair

      A guy I worked with used to cut the carrots for the soup with his teeth. Just bite a bunch of carrot chunks off then spit them into the pot. Lol. It was actually kind of funny.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 2:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.7   Canthz_B bang

      I’ve seen it in real life, and on the “caught on video” shows on True TV.

      A cook I once worked with was prepping corned beef hash patties when someone said something really funny. He laughed so hard, he drooled atop the patties. On went the next layer of waxed paper followed by another layer of corned beef hash patties.

      I took my lunch breaks outside the restaurant after that…free food be damned!

      Sep 23, 2010 at 7:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #21   claw71 bang

    Do you know how places will carefully list everything that goes into a specialty item? For instance, as you look at the salads on a cafe’s menu you’ll notice that they have several different salads listed. Each one has different ingredients that have been carefully selected in order to create a flavor profile. That’s usually your first clue to order the salad “as is”.

    I’m just wondering if Danny boy ate that salad because if that’s what the order was written down as, I’m fairly certain there was at least one ingredient included that wasn’t part of his order. Was the dressing a bit on the flemmy side, Daniel? I bet that it was.

    By the way, Daniel. Turn in your man card. It’s not that you ordered a salad, but the fact that you ordered one like a diva.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 11:22 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Mo®

      Daniel has had the “Creamy Man Dressing” before.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:36 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   The Elf

      That would be the ceasar?

      Sep 23, 2010 at 2:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   Mo®

      César’s Caesar.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.4   park rose

      See, Daniel seems pretty blasé and good-humoured about the whole thing. I have a feeling that a friend might have made the salad.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.5   TheOldSchool bang

      I have a feeling that Daniel’s friend writes him lots of love letters with his mayonnaise pen.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Do you think he offered him a bowl of Cream of Sum Yung Gai soup..?

      Sep 24, 2010 at 12:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Tessa

    Okay, so yeah these are funny. But I hope that after being photographed those were shown to managers. I’ve worked way too many retail/service jobs and I have had so many obnoxious customers, so I know how badly it can suck. But you don’t get to act out in a way that damages the store/restaurant/brothel’s reputation. Never mind the fact that in this economy, risking your job is just idiotic.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 12:12 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   annoyed barista

      As the person who made that particular caramel macchiato I will let you know that before any “fuck you” macchiatos were served the appropriate Starbucks caramel cross-hatch was applied over the message…

      over the top passive aggressiveness? maybe… but it was nice to let a little steam off.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 12:53 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   Splint Chesthair

      If anyone is that unhappy at their job that the customers are making them rage, then you’re only doing them a favor by going to the manager.

      Sep 23, 2010 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.3   The Elf

      I gotta know, annoyed barista, how annoying was that customer that you vented via caramel?

      Sep 24, 2010 at 10:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   Sabrina

    The one from Seattle looked like “Bitch Slap” upon first glance.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   Savannah

    Someone tried really hard to make the first photograph look professional. I love the use of lighting and the camera angle.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 1:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Shannon

      He took 1 bitch picture.

      Sep 24, 2010 at 7:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #25   Valentine

    I worked for a certain corporate coffee company for five long years. I’ve had customers throw coffee at me on numerous occasions, usually because I had the gall to charge them $5.00 for a latte, or in some cases, charge them at all(I had a few regulars that felt entitled to free drinks from time to time). It’s all about stealth in cases of such delightful customers. For instance, writing “Fuck you”, or some other equally charming phrase such as “I’m a douchebag” or “Semen tastes yummy”, is best done on the bottom of the cup. The target customer is none the wiser, but with every sip, they show off this message to the rest of the world. And, of course, there is the more obvious(yet still so often overlooked) method of drawing a giant penis on the side of the cup.

    Sep 23, 2010 at 10:16 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #26   Gladystopia

    Well. This has been quite an education, I’ll admit, since I’ve never sent food back, nor have I ever worked at a restaurant more challenging than a Browns’ Chicken.

    If anyone needs me, I will be filling my bathtub with chlorine bleach and individually dunking any and all food items over and over, then rinsing and air-drying each piece, with the entire process overseen by several large, burly, low-eyebrowed armed security guards under orders to shoot first and ask no questions.

    And if you think THAT’s germaphobic, you should see what went on after I took my food-service sanitation class. For six weeks, all I ate was irradiated saltines.

    Sep 24, 2010 at 12:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Janellionaire

      Wow, really? When I was a kid, I LOVED Saltines. I used to tell myself that I could live on Saltines and Sprite, but I never tried it. How was it? Did you lose weight? Get scurvy? Both?

      Sep 24, 2010 at 6:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   AJ

    I must say, the photography on the bitch salad is impressive. You could almost mistake it for a magazine picture, until you read the tag of course :)

    Sep 24, 2010 at 8:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   Deep Candle

    A Bitch Salad is that one with the apples in it, right?

    Sep 25, 2010 at 10:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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