Entries from September 2010
September 13th, 2010 · 70 Comments
These two notes — both from Oregon — give me the urge to grab a gigantic fistful of napkins…and then noisily blow my nose with them. I mean, really. Wouldn’t a simple “Al Gore Knows” have sufficed?
(Thanks to Anonymous in Wilsonville and Brad in Albany for submitting!)
related: Your light switch has blue balls.
Tags: "customer service" · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · Oregon · restaurant · The Earth
September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments
“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”
But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate” — remarkably well, actually! (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)
Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:
Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:
Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:
Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:
Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”
As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.
Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”
And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.
related: Free markets, free people, free papers
extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]
Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing
Shortly after moving to Columbus, Ohio, Julie received a welcome-wagon visit from her new neighbors…in the form of a post-it note stuck to the side of her motorcycle. Her bike, which was parked on the public city street across from her house, had apparently disrupted the neighborhood’s unofficial parking “regimin.”
“I complied with the rules of their little microcosm,” Julie says, “but I also turned the note into an overhead, which was a real gold mine for the rhetoric class I was teaching at Ohio State.”
Adds Julie: “Incidentally, when parked perpendicularly, a motorcycle uses roughly 2.5 feet of street.”
related: I shoveled this spot. IT’S MINE.
Tags: Columbus · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · irregular capitalization · motorcycles · neighbors · parking · spelling and grammar police
Really, folks? You share a kitchen and a bathroom, and this is all you’ve got to complain about?
::sigh:: White bread problems…
(Thanks to Sarah Jane in Australia and Michelle in Canada for submitting!)
related: Is this a thing now?
extra credit: Toasted Toast Post-it Notes [Amazon.com]
Tags: Australia · bread · roommates · siblings · smiley · spelling and grammar police · Waterloo
If you’re looking for an opportunity to study the unique social behavior of primates, there’s a compound in Orlando, Florida you might be interested in visiting.
Consider the package below, which a female named Misty (and no, that’s not a pseudonymous nod to Dian Fossey) recently found outside her dwelling, #14302, apparently left there by the group of lower-ranking females residing directly below.
As you’ve observed, Dr. Goodall, dominant female chimpanzees have been known to deliberately kill the young of other females in the troop in order to maintain their dominance, so perhaps the preemptive Heath-bar offering accompanying the plea for quiet was an intelligent move on the part of these lesser-ranked females.
I’m sure you’ll agree, however, that further scientific study is necessary before any conclusions are drawn.
related: Please get yourself some slippers.
Tags: candy · neighbors · noise · Orlando · visual aids
Chad and Cassie might want to be careful what they wish for…lest someone be tempted to “return” something they didn’t actually borrow first.
(Thanks to Travis in Austin and anonymous in Boise for submitting.)
related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?
Tags: Austin · heart · Idaho · p.s. · shit · touching
Jo in Australia received this message from an ex-boyfriend via the dating site OKCupid. “This was where we met, so I guess he was trying to be poignant,” Jo says. “For obvious reasons,” — a.k.a. THEY WERE BROKEN UP — “I neglected to call him on his birthday. This clearly brought up more deep-seated self-esteem issues.” Nothin’ sexier than that!
“Replying to him is out of the question,” Jo adds — “I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of words.” Instead, she took the passive-aggressive approach: submitting it to this site.
related: So glad we’re not together!
Tags: Australia · birthday · ex drama · just not that into you · online dating · thanks (but not really)
Edie in Bellevue, Washington wasn’t too happy with the neighbor’s cat using her lawn as its personal toilet, so she finally asked the cat’s owner if she’d please clean it up. “She did,” Edie says, “but only after explaining that the cat poops on everyone’s lawn and no one else minds.” (After asking around the neighborhood, Edie found this to be only half-true.)
Little did they know that cat’s crap was practically worth its weight in friggin’ GOLD!!! One can only imagine the reactions of Edie and her similarly ungrateful neighbors when they finished reading the photocopied letter taped to their front doors. (First place? For three years running?? What fools we’ve all been!!!)
related: Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)
extra credit: The Radiolab episode about Toxoplasma and crazy cat ladies
Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cats · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · shit · Washington state
Linda spotted this little work of artistic genius at Louie’s Cafe in Santa Fe, New Mexico:
related: Please do not flush…anything.
Tags: all clogged up · most popular notes of 2010 · restaurant · toilet