Entries from October 2010

Papa’s John

October 31st, 2010 · 82 Comments

If you needed another reason to be happy you don’t live in Utah, Justin brings us this explosion of bad ideas from a Provo office park.

I put this in the bathroom (to act as an air freshener) b/c when you crap and leave the door open the smell comes down the hall into my office. I can't work when I smell your BM. If I can't work, I can't make money to buy food for my kids. That can't be very healthy for my kids not to eat. Please shut the door after you crap so I don't have to smell it!!! Thanks!

(I’m going with “Team None-of-the-Above” for this one.)

Why did you put this in the bathroom trash? It makes me really uncomfortable to go to the bathroom when I smell food...Sometimes I can't go, & this is really unhealthy for my body!

I put this in the bathroom (to act as an air freshener) b/c when you crap and leave the door open the smell comes down the hall into my office. I can't work when I smell your BM. If I can't work, I can't make money to buy food for my kids. That can't be very healthy for my kids not to eat. Please shut the door after you crap so I don't have to smell it!!! Thanks!

related: The bathroom walls are NOT soundproof.

extra credit: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Air Freshener

Tags: bathroom · guilt trip · odor · pizza · Provo · questionable logic · rebuttals · shit · that's disgusting · that's unhealthy · toilet · Utah · WTF?

Some advice for would-be pumpkin smashers

October 30th, 2010 · 50 Comments

In Ohio, one household tries the proactive approach to preventing Halloween thuggery:

Instead of stealing/breaking our Halloween decorations, perhaps you could try the following activities! 1. Start an emo band 2. learn to read 3. paint a self portrait 4. build a house 5. dig for treasure that may or may not be buried in the park 6. walk around walmart 7. recreate the Battle of Gettysburg in the street 8. find your real father 9. ride a bike 10. give back the bike you probably stole  See, there are plenty of things to do besides vandalize creativity! Have fun kids, and remember, knowing is half the battle.

(We’ll have to wait to hear back from our submitter Darcy to see if it worked.)

related: Jerk-o-lanterns

Tags: Halloween · most popular notes of 2010 · Ohio · stealing · vandalism

Another 4-year-old gets wise to the cruel, cruel world we live in.

October 28th, 2010 · 128 Comments

With Halloween upon us, it’s not just uprooted flowers that are breaking the hearts of 4-year-olds around the world. Now entire families (of pumpkins) are being destroyed!

PLEASE DO NOT steal our pumpkins! Our four year old daughter was heart broken about seeing HER pumpkin busted in the street. We DID have a momma pumpkin, a daddy pumpkin and a baby pumpkin, we were planning on carving them as a FAMILY this weekend. You took our JOY when you STOLE our pumpkin.

Once again, this compulsive over-sharing seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon. As Archie in Brighton witnessed, the Brits manage to get straight to the bloody point.

Who ever stole our kids pumpkin we hope it chokes you. Sarah, Kevin and the children cared and watered the pumpkin patch for weeks.

related: People suck. (A valuable lesson for any four-year-old)

Tags: guilt trip · Halloween · kids · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?

Best wishes, godless heathens!

October 27th, 2010 · 94 Comments

Although at first glance this card might seem pretty harmless, our submitter in Sacramento says she’s had enough experience with her new husband’s ultra-religious cousins to be able to read between the lines. (Just add “…before you’re both condemned to eternal damnation” to the end of the last sentence and you’ll get the idea.)

Though we were saddened that you didn't marry in the church we are still happy for you. May God guide you in your new life together. May you have many years of wedding [sic] bliss.

Adds our bristling bride: “I felt like telling her she could keep her $50 and her guilt trip, too, but decided I would have my revenge by having a long, happy, secular marriage instead.”

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

extra credit: the front of the card

Tags: family · Jesus · love & marriage · Sacramento · signed with love

Clip art: unsafe at any speed

October 26th, 2010 · 62 Comments

Mosef in Houston says this is just one of the workplace safety team’s many delightfully fear-based messages that decorate his office.

Sometimes the biggest reasons for working safely are the smallest ones. They expect YOU to come home safely. Don't disappoint them. Be SAFE for your FAMILY!!!

Meanwhile, our submitter in Athens, Georgia says that copies of this one particular sign appeared one day out of nowhere, taped to practically every available surface. (I’m guessing the thinking behind it was something like, “Well, if a picture’s worth a thousand words, a thousand pictures are…oooh, a piggy bank!”)

REMEMBER THINK! SAFETY FIRST

related: He died for your clip art.

extra credit: Instructional Instructions

Tags: clip art catastrophe · office

Park on my privates again? No!

October 25th, 2010 · 128 Comments

Lisa from Toronto doesn’t try to hide the fact that this note was, uh, not exactly undeserved. “On a long weekend in Grand Bend, my boyfriend squeezed into a parking spot which partially placed his front tires on the edge of someone’s lawn,” she says. But if Lisa and her bf lost any sleep over their vehicular faux pas — and I’m guessing they didn’t — it seems like this note, which Lisa called “amazing,” would more than make up for it. Okay!

Why you bad park? No ticket! I have for son dealer plate! You ok? Fuck you guy! Okay! Park on my privates again? No! Bad park you.

Tags: actually totally reasonable · Clearly a non-native English speaker · double-entendre alert · exclamation-point happy!!!! · most popular notes of 2010 · Ontario · parking

A not-so-subtle clue that your coworker isn’t interested in cubicle small talk

October 24th, 2010 · 92 Comments

Writes our submitter in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: “A woman in my office was recently relocated to a new cubicle, apparently against her will. I don’t really know her, but I guess now I know not what not to use as an ice breaker!”

YES THIS IS MY NEW HOME (FOR NOW) YES THE SPACE IS SMALLER YES IT'S A LONGER WALK TO THE COPIER YES IT'S A SHORTER WALK TO THE BATHROOM NO I'M NOT SETTLED IN NO I HAVEN'T ADJUSTED YET NO IT'S NOT QUIETER NO I DON'T KNOW WHY

related: Really, enough about the weather.

Tags: CAPS LOCK · let me stop you right there · most popular notes of 2010 · office · Pennsylvania · small talk

People suck. (A valuable lesson for any 4-year-old)

October 21st, 2010 · 160 Comments

Cait spotted this artful example of parental passive-aggression “in front of a very, very wealthy residence” in New York’s East Village. “I get that ripping up the flowers was a douchey move,” Cait says, “but this seems a little over the top.”

To which I’d add: Um, yes. (They had me at the first semicolon.)

Dear Thief, A child helped to plant the flowers you stole - so that everyone could enjoy them. She is 4 years old and loves puzzles, nature, and learning new things. You have introduced the topic of 'stealing' into our conversations; and in response we are talking about anger, reasoning and loss. I'm telling you this because I would like you to replace the plants. I could say more offensive things that she cannot yet spell - but aren't, in a sometimes disappointing world; forgiveness and redemption greater things to believe in, and 'please' a nicer word to say - this is a request and an opportunity for yourself. Santa may come for you after all!

Meanwhile, across the globe, another 4-year-old was given a similar learning experience. In Australia, however, they don’t bother beating around the bush.*

To the person/s who ripped out the flowers - could you please explain your motives to the 4 year old who planted and watered them daily. He doesn't yet understand what an arsehole is!

*Apologies. Bad pun intended.

related: To the person who stole my flower (sniff)

Tags: Australia · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · guilt trip · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · New York · rhetorical question · runaway run-on sentences · semicolon abuse · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children? · You call that punctuation?

Toto, I have a feeling we’re not at band camp anymore

October 20th, 2010 · 126 Comments

Michael is a music teacher in New York, and one of his students, Aleks, a clarinet player with 15 years experience, recently moved to the city to start his master’s degree. “Coming from Ohio, he had no idea what he was getting into when practicing clarinet in his apartment in Queens,” says Michael. “Now he knows.”

Dear Friend, Take take the flute and shove it up your ass. You have NO talent. Give your neighbors a break. if not we are going to break your hand's [sic]

related: Buskers & broomsticks

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · most popular notes of 2010 · music · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · Queens

Just back away, slowly

October 19th, 2010 · 42 Comments

You’d think, as Jen from St. Louis did, that this carefully typed message (from the public toilet at the Golden Gate Bridge), is indisputably good advice.

Please use a piece of toilet paper before flushing.

But as Kim observed while studying abroad on the Caribbean island of St. Maarten, there’s an exception (explosion?) to every rule.

MADAME, PLEASE DON'T THROW TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET BOWL BECAUSE IT WILL EXPOLDE [sic] ON YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

related: Poseidon’s a pervert

Tags: bizarro spacing · CAPS LOCK · Clearly a non-native English speaker · toilet · toilet paper · unnecessary "quotation marks" · WTF?