“I was walking by a local café and this two-page, handwritten rant stopped me in my tracks,” says our submitter in Montreal. “I was so disturbed I went home and returned immediately with my camera, just in case the owner suddenly got sane (or had some sense talked into him) and decided to take it down. This is someone who should clearly not be dealing with the public.”
related: The Sushi Nazi
143 responses so far ↓
#1
me
they must have fantastic coffee.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:13 pm rating: 17
#2
pony girl
I don’t need coffee that badly.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm rating: 75
#3
courtney
I’m a firm believer in the “the customer is nearly always wrong” set of Old World standard business practices. That’s what’s wrong with America today…too few surly business owners!
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm rating: 128
#4
JWim
LOL all I can think of is the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld….. “No Soup for you! Next!”
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:18 pm rating: 61
#5
Melodie
Well, that’s it; I’m moving to Montreal. I can’t think of one thing that could ever happen to me in Vancouver that could compare to having a coffee at this place.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:20 pm rating: 16
#6
RedDelicious
Wonder how much longer this guy’s gonna be in business… I get there’s some kitschiness about those crazy store owners who treat their customers like cattle (a la Soup Nazi style), but this is just ridiculous.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm rating: 11
#7
Aksijuice
Well, it is Montreal. My experience there was akin to “Wait, why do we hate France so much? They obviously exported all their worst customs here”.
This note confirms said perspective.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm rating: 43
#8
Rillion
I’m certainly sympathetic to every person who works in customer service in any capacity, but…it does strike me that “the owner” just might be, maybe could be, in the wrong business. Possibly.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm rating: 82
#9
sarah
Sizes:
8 oz – KLEIN, 12 oz – MITTEL, 16 oz – GROSS
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:26 pm rating: 23
#10
sarah
for someone who drinks so much coffee, you would think they’d already have shot that stick out of their ass
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:28 pm rating: 62
#11
Jynical
tl;dr
I did notice a lot of whining…something about customers being human beings?
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:30 pm rating: 5
#12
seahag
I live in Montreal! Where is this place? I must make a pilgrimage!
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:44 pm rating: 9
#13
Nack
I’m for a customer having some respect for the human being behind the counter, but that’s ridiculous. Over-the-top. Real Full On PA.
Elitist Barista needs to be shot. But think of it this way…likely, they’ll just go out of business. Either suits.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:48 pm rating: 13
#14
Hannah
Why do these type of people feel the need to interact with the public, and why would they choose to run a business?! I’d say people skills are important for that.
Oct 5, 2010 at 10:54 pm rating: 10
#15
Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)
Please phone 415-555-1000 to pledge. Your donation is desperately needed to offset the horrible Prozac famine now affecting Montreal…
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:04 pm rating: 38
#16
david
That coffee was fucking delicious. Not the owner though.
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:06 pm rating: 5
#17
MinnKB
I’m not even chancing it. I might look around too much and have to pay for a museum admission.
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:16 pm rating: 19
#18
Tex
Lastly…………………kiss my fat ass.
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:17 pm rating: 3
#19
sleeps
Oh, the fun I would have pushing this guy’s buttons. Trying to find the exact breaking point where my social chit chat caused his eyes to glaze over. Telling him I was just trying to decide on my order while eyeballing things avidly. Possibly making veiled references to overpriced coffee drinks. Of course, I would never drink anything he made, because I know the murderous rage this would engender in his psychotic breast.
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:27 pm rating: 60
#20
TippingCows
I almost really like this guy. I can imagine him dealing with Americans coming into his shop saying they’re just “looking around” like it’s some kind of exotic shop of coffee on display. Then they talk his ear off and buy nothing, or buy a $2 chocolate covered graham cookie and hold up the helping of real customers.
I sort of empathize, really.
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:36 pm rating: 8
#21
FeRD
Article 3, Subsection (B) of the Rules of engagement:
Alas, it’s an amusing property of rants like this: While the above may have once been true, it ceased to be the moment this screed was posted!
Oct 5, 2010 at 11:38 pm rating: 20
#22
crystal
really? needs to be shot? because that’s TOTALLY more reasonable than what was in the original note.
Oct 6, 2010 at 12:47 am rating: 1
#23
J
He’s the Coffee Nazi: http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Soup_Nazi
Oct 6, 2010 at 2:01 am rating: 1
#24
Divvitar
Ok…this is just too much. I used to live in Upstate NY as a kid. The only people more rude than New Yorkers and French people are French Canadians. This isn’t ethnic bias, it’s 100% truth. My horror story in Montreal happened when I was 11 years old. I went to go see the Expos play the Cubs up at the old Olympic Stadium along with several members of a summer sports program. I bought a 75 Cent Canadian soda and paid with an American dollar. The lady at the counter gives me a dirty look and hands me back a CANADIAN dime. I looked straight in her eyes and said: “Hey, I may only be 11, but I know OUR money is worth more than yours!” She managed to cough up another Canadian Quarter. I think I still got cheated, but it was a moral victory.
Oct 6, 2010 at 2:02 am rating: 27
#25
Canthz_B
I just hate it when people ask for unwanted advice.
Oct 6, 2010 at 3:18 am rating: 16
#26
matt
wow, i love this note. If only every business posted notes like this in the front window, the business world wouldn’t have to put up with time-wasting fckwits. team PA note writer!
Oct 6, 2010 at 3:19 am rating: 7
#27
Canthz_B
It takes a lot of big talk to prove you don’t like small talk.
Oct 6, 2010 at 3:23 am rating: 18
#28
Canthz_B
Old World Establishment + New World Customers = War of the Worlds
All’s well that ends Wells.
Oct 6, 2010 at 4:23 am rating: 23
#29
pegolasgreenleaf
In other words, “blahblahblahblah Go to Starbucks blahblahblah.”
Oct 6, 2010 at 6:12 am rating: 36
#30
Woman on the Verge
Rules of Engagement from the Verge
a) Do not fuck with me
b) I’m buying my coffee somewhere with less rules
c) Don’t be a dick
Oct 6, 2010 at 7:15 am rating: 31
#31
Ellie
Sounds like he has Asperger’s Syndrome. No wait, that’s very insulting to people with Asperger’s.
Oct 6, 2010 at 7:49 am rating: 4
#32
pizza
I worked in a department store while in college, and felt I had to create all sorts of rules because everything was so mind numbing. Looks like the same thing here.
Oct 6, 2010 at 7:52 am rating: 0
#33
Sean Jungian
Why does everyone assume the owner is male? The handwriting looks feminine, and there’s no reason a woman wouldn’t own a business and/or be surly.
Oct 6, 2010 at 8:07 am rating: 1
#34
Kou
Wow, if it wasn’t in Montreal, I’d think this was the coffee shop down the street. It’s manned by the owner who is such an angry, easily-offended little man that he trolls online restaurant review sites and posts long-winded personal attacks on anyone who calls him angry and easily-offended. If this note was from his place, he would already be here calling every single commenter an uncultured mongoloid who snorts Starbucks Via packets in the American Apparel changing rooms.
But he makes awesome homemade waffles with real maple syrup, so I still go there. Cautiously. Not making sudden movements.
Oct 6, 2010 at 8:19 am rating: 20
#35
NRIGirl
Wow! That is something… Speechless to say anything…
Would you care to stop by at my coffee place for some Coffee with Jesus?!
Welcome one and all!
~ NRIGirl
Oct 6, 2010 at 9:47 am rating: 0
#36
Adriana
Here’s why the customer is king (most of the time) or, at the very least, an equal: first, as a customer, I do not need your product to live. If I want your product, I don’t even need to go to you, especially if we’re talking about coffee, which is sold basically everywhere. I’m sure there’s a coffee shop less than a quarter mile away whose owner won’t be a raging asshole to me. This is a luxury item, so in this case the owner needs to have a little perspective – in a bad economy, even with a superior product, he’s at best a luxury. Second, we both have something the other wants. I have more options than you, but still, you’re right here in the moment and I want some damn coffee. Let’s treat each other with a little bit of decency and respect. If I’m happy, I tell all my friends that the kindly old world coffee shop owner isn’t a megadouche and I come back frequently for coffee. Coffee owner gets my repeat business and doesn’t default on his mortgage. Everybody wins.
I actually know a place like this in California. The owners are American, but they’re from a very small town full of descendants from Cornwall, so it’s creepy and insular and xenophobic. Anyway, I ordered a pasty and a bowl of soup. The owner said, “Oh, yeah, I don’t have any of that soup ready and I don’t feel like heating up anymore, so…” I ordered a different type of soup, got barely more than a dirty look and a growl, and waited for 30 minutes to get my food. Oh yeah, the place closes at 5 PM (open at noon) and the owner whined and lamented that she had to stay open to 7 PM for a festival that was in a town. Needless to say, I never came back. You’ve got to work a little for my money. Lord knows I had to work for it.
Oct 6, 2010 at 9:49 am rating: 38
#37
Alex dS
Wow. If Dr. Sheldon Cooper had a store and for some reason couldn’t access a working printer…this is the sign he’d make.
Oct 6, 2010 at 10:38 am rating: 10
#38
jen
That’s just crazy. I don’t walk into random shops and ask how business is doing, but if the workers know me well enough to recognize me and say hello, I talk to them (assuming, of course, that I’m not holding up the line to do it). And one of the questions I’ll ask, if business doesn’t seem as heavy as usual, is whether they’re having a slow day. I’ve never ONCE had that met with defensiveness or irritation, and it’s never occurred to me that someone might consider that kind of observation rude.
Oct 6, 2010 at 11:27 am rating: 3
#39
mystic_eye_cda
That sign breaks the language laws in Quebec, and trust me the language police have no sense of humour.
I used to work for a company with a branch in Montreal that would get fined because one department just wouldn’t learn to answer the phone in French FIRST, but how much can you expect from drummers?
Oct 6, 2010 at 11:45 am rating: 5
#40
vanillagrrl
I like the part about not offering unwanted advice to the owner “unless you are asked for it.”
Oct 6, 2010 at 11:53 am rating: 3
#41
Savannah
So…I’m guessing they don’t have free WiFi?
This is the weirdest note ever. What the heck are you supposed to do while waiting for your coffee? You can’t make small talk, can’t look around at all…I shudder to think what might happen if you asked to use the restroom or wanted a lid for your coffee. I seriously doubt that the owner lets himself get bored enough that his “eyes glaze over.” And how sad is it that this guy wants to be king of a coffee shop? I bet that this note will have highlighting within a week.
Oct 6, 2010 at 12:11 pm rating: 10
#42
Peter
Rule 1: Also, do not attempt to trick the owner with other putative social niceties that are actually intended to get to the root of his mental, physical, or financial stability, such as the intrusive “How’s it going?”, the presumptuous “What’s up?” and the probing “How you been?”
Rule 2: Keep in line with your eyes directed forward. Do not look left or right. Those are only showerheads.
Rule 3: a: The owner wishes to hear two words from you: small, medium or large and decaf or regular. Do not offer unwanted advice, such as “my spoon is dirty,” or “my cup is leaking,” or “can you add whipped cream?”
b. Remember you are here to buy coffee in case this has slipped your mind between your passing under the sign that reads “Brulerie” and your arrival at the counter.
c. If the owner wishes you to talk, he has ways of making you do so. Your gold fillings will be returned when you exit the store. And remember, it’s a brulerie. Just a brulerie.
d. If the owner’s eyes glaze over, he has inhaled too much of the “coffee aroma” and will need to absent himself. Continue with your business at this time.You will be unharmed, and, remember, your gold will be returned.
e. You are vermin crawling into this old world establishment; be glad the owner suffers your presence.
f. When paying, do not make other financial inquiries such as “How large is your retirement account,” “are you weighted properly between equities and bonds,” or “can I get that back in singles?”
Oct 6, 2010 at 12:16 pm rating: 43
#43
berge
I can tell why people are always asking how business is… they are amazed it’s still open!
Oct 6, 2010 at 12:20 pm rating: 14
#44
Nightfire
Oh! Field trip. Pushing this guy’s buttons would so be worth it.
Oct 6, 2010 at 12:51 pm rating: 3
#45
GhostWriter
Buying coffee is only a secondary reason I’m in your coffee shop. I’m really here for the solid WiFi reception.
Oct 6, 2010 at 1:56 pm rating: 8
#46
GhostWriter
“Kin dis conversation cum to an end yet, Daddy?”
“Why no, Son! Ya gotta squeeze that there lamp cord a little tighter- see? His eyes are jus’ beginin’ ta glaze over…”
Oct 6, 2010 at 2:01 pm rating: 3
#47
TippingCows
I guess I’m a little less affected by these things because I’d giggle at the note, give the guy silent props for posting it, and STILL buy his damned coffee (if it was good, of course).
Oct 6, 2010 at 2:16 pm rating: 2
#48
spottymax
Wow, someone even douchier than McDonalds when it comes to “having your coffee.”
Oct 6, 2010 at 2:24 pm rating: 3
#49
mdeutschmtl
Wow, this place is 3 blocks from my house. Gotta visit and, y’know, ask how business is.
Oct 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm rating: 15
#50
aaa
Hm. All of those words and not one angry face drawing, pink and orange penis, or use of highlighting and underlining. Fucking lame. I’d be better off making my own damn coffee and angry signs.
Oct 6, 2010 at 7:14 pm rating: 4
#51
Just_bob
Wow, I’m from Montreal and I’ve been to that place a few weeks ago. They didn’t have the silly rules posted at that time. Coffee was OK, nothing special. Better than Starbucks (of course) but not as good as what you can get for half the price in Little Italy.
The sign is even funnier if you imagine the comic book store guy from the Simpsons reading it.
Oct 6, 2010 at 7:44 pm rating: 9
#52
Belle
Oh, the shame of my hometown, displayed for the world to see! I’m about ten minutes away and yes, for those who blame Frenchness for the attitude, this is a VERY english neck of the woods.
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=6128+Monkland+montreal+quebec&sll=45.470047,-73.627865&sspn=0.011075,0.02281&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=6128+Avenue+de+Monkland,+Montr%C3%A9al,+Communaut%C3%A9-Urbaine-de-Montr%C3%A9al,+Qu%C3%A9bec,+Canada&ll=45.470123,-73.627775&spn=0.011015,0.02281&z=16&layer=c&cbll=45.470047,-73.627865&panoid=L4QBrA-mrsVajh3ukTocRw&cbp=12,139.53,,0,5
Oct 7, 2010 at 11:57 am rating: 0
#53
wonderman
Must be a relative of the much loved/hated “Beer Nazi” of G&S Lounge in Austin, TX.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/g-and-s-lounge-austin?rpp=40&sort_by=rating_asc
Oct 7, 2010 at 12:47 pm rating: 1
#54
pony girl
I’m rather surprised that nobody has mentioned the misspelling of actually, actually, because actually, it has bothered me for awhile now.
Oct 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm rating: 3
#55
orinoco womble
Actually, I live in the Old World, and it’s common to engage in a lot of small talk before, during, and after making your purchases, whether it’s coffee, food or a bag of nails and a sledgehammer. You’re in a hurry, go to Starbucks or a superstore.
And everyone you meet has reams of free, unsolicited advice on how to live your life–particularly regarding issues that are none of their business.
Oct 8, 2010 at 1:20 pm rating: 3
#56
MitziBell
This owner has never heard of “kill ‘em with kindness.” Working in customer service, I sometimes have to be VERY kind.
Oct 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm rating: 0
#57
ingrid
My first thought was “Bernard Black (of the Black Books tv show) , only perhaps more coherent and equally, if not more, mentally unstable”.
Oct 10, 2010 at 9:25 am rating: 1
#58
Dainty
I don’t know why (s)he bothered to write such a lengthy text, when a simple ‘F*CK OFF’ would’ve sufficed.
Oct 22, 2010 at 5:08 pm rating: 1
#59
nivea creme
i’m from montreal, where is this place? anyone ?
Nov 8, 2010 at 11:10 pm rating: 0
#60 What ever next!!! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] That must be some damn good coffee… [...]
Dec 5, 2010 at 5:29 pm rating: 0
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