That must be some damn good coffee…

October 5th, 2010 · 143 comments

“I was walking by a local café and this two-page, handwritten rant stopped me in my tracks,” says our submitter in Montreal. “I was so disturbed I went home and returned immediately with my camera, just in case the owner suddenly got sane (or had some sense talked into him) and decided to take it down. This is someone who should clearly not be dealing with the public.”

Rule 3 (c): Once the transaction is complete and the owner has given you an opening you may engage in social chit-chat.

Rule 3(b) Remember, first things first you are here to buy coffee.

Rule 3 (c): Once the transaction is complete and the owner has given you an opening you may engage in social chit-chat.

related: The Sushi Nazi

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · Montreal · most popular notes of 2010 · now that's management · restaurant


143 responses so far ↓

  • #1   me

    they must have fantastic coffee.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:13 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   pony girl

    I don’t need coffee that badly.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm   rating: 77  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   courtney

    I’m a firm believer in the “the customer is nearly always wrong” set of Old World standard business practices. That’s what’s wrong with America today…too few surly business owners!

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm   rating: 131  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Johnson

      I hope you don’t work in customer service. Attitudes like that make me check my hamburger for spit…

      Oct 13, 2010 at 2:31 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   JWim

    LOL all I can think of is the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld….. “No Soup for you! Next!”

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:18 pm   rating: 64  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Ashley

      I was thinking the exact same thing! Lol!

      Oct 6, 2010 at 7:39 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Diana

      Same here! “No coffee for YOU!”
      I’d rather just cut the BS and make my OWN coffee at home. It seems the “owner and queen-of-all-she-surveys” is in dire need of a good lay.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 11:35 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   GhostWriter bang

      The owner is such a Soup Nazi Wannabe;
      Don’t ask me about the business!” (because it stinks…) but I’m hoping that by relying on a 90′s sitcom for business guidance, my odd and eccentric rules will soon establish my shop as the quirky place-to-be!

      Oct 6, 2010 at 2:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   GhostWriter bang

      …and if that doesn’t work I’ll bring in a big comfortable couch and ask a bunch of attractive Friends to playfully paw at each other on it.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 2:17 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Melodie

    Well, that’s it; I’m moving to Montreal. I can’t think of one thing that could ever happen to me in Vancouver that could compare to having a coffee at this place.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:20 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   RedDelicious

    Wonder how much longer this guy’s gonna be in business… I get there’s some kitschiness about those crazy store owners who treat their customers like cattle (a la Soup Nazi style), but this is just ridiculous.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   gwenhwyfaer

      Probably a very long time. I’ll bet s/he has a stable, appreciative customer base. And if I ever move to Montreal, it’ll grow by one, because everything in this note is just basic common sense as far as I’m concerned. But then, you neurotypicals have very strange ideas about what constitutes politeness…

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:16 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Wrench

      If that was true s/he probably wouldn’t be dodging constant business advice.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 7:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Aksijuice

    Well, it is Montreal. My experience there was akin to “Wait, why do we hate France so much? They obviously exported all their worst customs here”.

    This note confirms said perspective.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   nocturnesthesia

      It’s just for the Anglophone customers. The thing about the Quebec Separatist Movement is, the rest of Canada isn’t against it. Actually, no one cares, and no one thinks the bloody frogs are worth the trouble of splitting up the country. Personally, I say we ship these assholes back to France, so they can eat cheese and be pretentious with their brethren.

      /rant

      Oct 5, 2010 at 11:01 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   canadianchic

      Ummm, guys? The shop’s name is in english (albeit with a token “Brulerie” thrown in there to placate the french language police), the note’s in english, and- wait for it- it’s located in Monkland Village, an anglo hipster bastion. You can’t blame this one on the french, folks, ’cause this place is definitely 100% anglo-owned and operated.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 10:42 am   rating: 47  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   clumber

      Rubbish! I can blame everything on the French!

      Oct 7, 2010 at 7:53 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Rillion

    I’m certainly sympathetic to every person who works in customer service in any capacity, but…it does strike me that “the owner” just might be, maybe could be, in the wrong business. Possibly.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm   rating: 83  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   sarah

    Sizes:
    8 oz – KLEIN, 12 oz – MITTEL, 16 oz – GROSS

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:26 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   sarah

    for someone who drinks so much coffee, you would think they’d already have shot that stick out of their ass

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:28 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   FeRD bang

      Nah, the owner probably hates coffee, too.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:47 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Jynical

    tl;dr

    I did notice a lot of whining…something about customers being human beings?

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:30 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   seahag

    I live in Montreal! Where is this place? I must make a pilgrimage!

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   FeRD bang

      http://lmgtfy.com/?q=brulerie+wild+beans

      :/

      Oct 5, 2010 at 11:42 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well played, FeRD.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 7:09 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Rattus

      Awesome passive aggressive response, FeRD.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Z

      make sure you leave them the web address so they can see what assholes they look like!

      Oct 6, 2010 at 11:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   missy

      Yes! Fred! well played passive aggressive move in the notes of this passive aggressive post. YMTYBH (You might think you’re being helpful) but really, you’re being ironic. i hope.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   seahag

      Yes, thanks for that, because I couldn’t quite make out the name of the place on the note or I would have figured that out myself.

      You win at the internet!

      Oct 6, 2010 at 4:54 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   nivea creme

      Did you find out where it is, please let me know if you have.

      Nov 8, 2010 at 11:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Nack

    I’m for a customer having some respect for the human being behind the counter, but that’s ridiculous. Over-the-top. Real Full On PA.

    Elitist Barista needs to be shot. But think of it this way…likely, they’ll just go out of business. Either suits.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:48 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   infanttyrone

      Shot, preferably a double ristretto, with a twist and a dowhallop.

      Oct 5, 2010 at 11:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Hannah

    Why do these type of people feel the need to interact with the public, and why would they choose to run a business?! I’d say people skills are important for that.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 10:54 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

    Please phone 415-555-1000 to pledge. Your donation is desperately needed to offset the horrible Prozac famine now affecting Montreal…

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Rachet

      Ha! And just as I finished reading the “rules” I was thinking, “Dude….Prozac is our friend.”

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   david

    That coffee was fucking delicious. Not the owner though.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Dear david,

      First of all, it is very obvious why your name begins with a lower case “d”. I won’t even bother to go there. Secondly, the “fucking delicious” comment has run its course and is no longer funny. By making this comment, I am forced to tell you that I hate you. I expect you to take this personally and maybe even whine about it. This is the appropriate reaction, and hopefully, when you are finished, you will strive to come up with a better fucking comment.

      love,
      WotV

      Oct 6, 2010 at 7:12 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger)

      My dear WotV,

      I haven’t been contributing long, but I’ve been reading PAN a long time. I have to agree with you on the obsolescence of the F-ing D. comment. It was funny for awhile but now it’s just an overused cliche which has lost its luster, something like Benny Hill featuring a busty woman who somehow loses her clothing and appears onscreen briefly in her underwear (no pun intended).

      I applaud your rebuttal to david and his ilk. They need to be reprimanded for their naive use of the punchline and you have, for certain, done so in a most definitive fashion. I can only say, my dear, that I honor you and your willingness to bring honesty, albeit scathing, to the forum.

      In short, thank you, because your reply was f*cking delicious.

      Love,
      Tex

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:43 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      Dear Tex,

      I don’t know whether to hug you or slap you.

      love,

      WotV

      Oct 6, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger) bang

      Ah, then my job is done here.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 2:10 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   Clumber

      Very most dearest WotV;

      I do not believe that such actions are mutually exclusive. You may even choose to attempt them simultaneously.

      XXOO!
      Clumber

      Oct 7, 2010 at 7:59 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   MinnKB

    I’m not even chancing it. I might look around too much and have to pay for a museum admission.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:16 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Tex

    Lastly…………………kiss my fat ass.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   sleeps

    Oh, the fun I would have pushing this guy’s buttons. Trying to find the exact breaking point where my social chit chat caused his eyes to glaze over. Telling him I was just trying to decide on my order while eyeballing things avidly. Possibly making veiled references to overpriced coffee drinks. Of course, I would never drink anything he made, because I know the murderous rage this would engender in his psychotic breast.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:27 pm   rating: 60  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   anglophile bang

      No kidding. I’d go in there every day, ask him how business is, look around a bit and leave without buying anything.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:29 am   rating: 47  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   gwenhwyfaer

      You must have been so well off in your schooldays with all those other kids’ lunch money.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   ashmeadow

      Oh gwenhwyfaer, there is a distinct difference between bullying and being politely annoying. If you can’t tell the difference, then I suggest you also shouldn’t run a coffee shop.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 10:12 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   TippingCows

    I almost really like this guy. I can imagine him dealing with Americans coming into his shop saying they’re just “looking around” like it’s some kind of exotic shop of coffee on display. Then they talk his ear off and buy nothing, or buy a $2 chocolate covered graham cookie and hold up the helping of real customers.

    I sort of empathize, really.

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Splint Chesthair

      I can empathize but the reaction is all wrong. If you have a store that’s open to the public, you’re going to have to deal with the good and the bad about having the public in your store. The owner should have a membership plan and only let members into the store, of course then he or shee loses out on all the good benefits of being open to the public, that is the customers who just stop in and buy coffee and leave. Or the owner can just open an internet business.

      I understand the frustration but all this letter says to me is that the owner wants to receive all the benefits but none of the hassle of owning a public store. That’s just whiny.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 7:16 am   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   se

      @tc
      I quote a sage and wise person

      “The purpose of this site is to catch people like you trying to be clever and/or relevant, an endeavor in which you will fail miserably”

      Does that look familiar?

      Oct 6, 2010 at 10:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   TippingCows

      It does sound familiar, because I said it! Aha!

      Your point?

      Oct 10, 2010 at 4:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   FeRD bang

    Article 3, Subsection (B) of the Rules of engagement:

    Remember first things first you are here to buy coffee.

    Alas, it’s an amusing property of rants like this: While the above may have once been true, it ceased to be the moment this screed was posted!

    Oct 5, 2010 at 11:38 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   quapaw

      Being in Retail a rule of engagement is give the customer what they need not what they want, therefore service in retail should be manadtory for all customers.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   quietmarc

      I love how the “first things first” is relegated to “Article 3 Subsection B”. They must have worked in government at some point.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   crystal

    really? needs to be shot? because that’s TOTALLY more reasonable than what was in the original note.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 12:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   sleeps

      Fail.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 9:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      Need help braxing a giggle?

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   J

    He’s the Coffee Nazi: http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Soup_Nazi

    Oct 6, 2010 at 2:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   sleeps

      Thanks for the link, otherwise we might not have gotten your reference!!

      Oct 6, 2010 at 9:00 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Divvitar

    Ok…this is just too much. I used to live in Upstate NY as a kid. The only people more rude than New Yorkers and French people are French Canadians. This isn’t ethnic bias, it’s 100% truth. My horror story in Montreal happened when I was 11 years old. I went to go see the Expos play the Cubs up at the old Olympic Stadium along with several members of a summer sports program. I bought a 75 Cent Canadian soda and paid with an American dollar. The lady at the counter gives me a dirty look and hands me back a CANADIAN dime. I looked straight in her eyes and said: “Hey, I may only be 11, but I know OUR money is worth more than yours!” She managed to cough up another Canadian Quarter. I think I still got cheated, but it was a moral victory.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 2:02 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Canthz_B bang

      We’re baaaack!!…but just barely! :-P

      Live rates at 2010.10.06 08:58:00 UTC
      1.00 USD = 1.01226 CAD
      1.00 CAD = 0.987892 USD

      Oct 6, 2010 at 4:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Rob

      I live in a Canadian tourist town (in the west), and we regularly take American funds at par. If you think this is rude, take into account the arrogance that is shown presenting a foreign currency in the country that holds you as a guest. While French Canadians can be a little trying at times, my guess is the percentage of ‘trying’ French would be equal to that of asshole Western Canadians, or bratty tourists. Hit a currency exchange, it only takes a minute…and the above would only show you losing a dollar on a hundred.

      The more you knooooow!

      Oct 6, 2010 at 4:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Rachel

      Maybe she gave you a dime because you were using foreign currency that she didn’t have to accept and thus requiring her to go to the bank to exchange one freaking dollar. Why Americans think they’re entitled to spend US dollars in foreign countries is beyond me.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:30 am   rating: 51  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   Adriana

      A lot of foreign countries not only accept US dollars, but prefer them. Canada is not really one of them because its currency is stable, but obviously the vendor didn’t mind too much because she accepted the dollar. :D

      Oct 6, 2010 at 9:38 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Rattus

      Your basis for judging the entire population of Quebec to be rude is one incident where a (probably) overworked concession stand worker was displeased by having to do even more work (and I do understand that it was only marginally more work) because a customer couldn’t be bothered to pay in the currency of the country they were purchasing in?

      If that is the measure by how we should judge all residents of an area, than I have to assume that all inhabitants of New York state are thieves and drunks, and all their hotels are swarming with cockroaches.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 9:51 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   The Elf

      Wait, they aren’t? :-)

      Oct 6, 2010 at 11:00 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.7   pedore

      That’s rediculous. Why didn’t you have any local currency on you when you were in a foreign country? And how were you still ‘cheated’ when you got 35 cents back on your stupid American dollar when the pop (not soda in Canada, BTW) was 75 cents?
      Christ, if that’s your ‘horror story’ then you lead a damn charmed life. I’m going to go down to New York State and try to buy something with a loonie, then get all rude and belligerent when I experience the horror of those damn Americans refusing my foreign currency.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:07 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.8   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe Canadian currency would be taken more seriously if it didn’t come in cartoon colors like Monopoly money and you didn’t use the term “loonie”.

      Maybe not. :-P

      Oct 6, 2010 at 11:16 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.9   Heroin

      the Americans who cross the border to shop in my little city seem to take Canadian currency pretty seriously.

      Side note: Every American I’ve met in Canada has been perfectly polite and kind. Almost every American I met in the US was a bit rude and brusk. Why is that?

      Oct 7, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.10   Canthz_B bang

      Because people are always nicer when they visit someones house than they are at home?

      Oh, BTW, these are jokes. I have the utmost respect for our neighbor to the North, so nobody get your maple leaves in a bunch. :lol:

      Oct 7, 2010 at 1:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.11   Mike

      I love visiting New York City and Montreal. People are not rude if you make the slightest effort to understand their customs and maybe pay in their currency.

      New Yorkers are efficient to a fault, though. If you are trying to decide which train to take or what to order at Starbucks, step out of the way so the rest of the world can go on about its business. Don’t stop right at the top of the escalator to read all the signs. You WILL get shoved aside.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 4:37 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    I just hate it when people ask for unwanted advice.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 3:18 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   park rose

      You beat me to it, CB. Well, the next time I ask for someone to volunteer unwanted advice, I better be prepared for the consequences . . .

      Oct 6, 2010 at 6:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   matt

    wow, i love this note. If only every business posted notes like this in the front window, the business world wouldn’t have to put up with time-wasting fckwits. team PA note writer!

    Oct 6, 2010 at 3:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Canthz_B bang

    It takes a lot of big talk to prove you don’t like small talk.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 3:23 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Canthz_B bang

    Old World Establishment + New World Customers = War of the Worlds

    All’s well that ends Wells.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 4:23 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   pegolasgreenleaf

    In other words, “blahblahblahblah Go to Starbucks blahblahblah.”

    Oct 6, 2010 at 6:12 am   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Risha

      Go to Starbucks?!? Does his cruelty know no bounds?

      Oct 6, 2010 at 7:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Woman on the Verge bang

    Rules of Engagement from the Verge

    a) Do not fuck with me

    b) I’m buying my coffee somewhere with less rules

    c) Don’t be a dick

    Oct 6, 2010 at 7:15 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Sirius¤ bang

      d) If you use those two magic words, consider yourself hated.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   berge bang

      e) Have a good day. Or else I’m buying my coffee somewhere where they know how to have a good day.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 1:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   orinoco womble

      Apparently I live on the Verge, too.
      I see no reason to force people to take my money.
      Rule Guy is safe from me.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 3:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Ellie

    Sounds like he has Asperger’s Syndrome. No wait, that’s very insulting to people with Asperger’s.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 7:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   gwenhwyfaer

      Not really. I get exactly where he’s coming from. We’re a growing contingent; we’re 1 in 80 of the general population, and our social needs really aren’t served anywhere else.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   pizza

    I worked in a department store while in college, and felt I had to create all sorts of rules because everything was so mind numbing. Looks like the same thing here.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 7:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Sean Jungian

    Why does everyone assume the owner is male? The handwriting looks feminine, and there’s no reason a woman wouldn’t own a business and/or be surly.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 8:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Kou

      That definitely looks like the handwriting of men in my dad’s generation to me.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:21 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   anglophile bang

      Maybe the whole “the customer is not king here, the owner is” quote??

      Oct 6, 2010 at 11:54 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Kou

    Wow, if it wasn’t in Montreal, I’d think this was the coffee shop down the street. It’s manned by the owner who is such an angry, easily-offended little man that he trolls online restaurant review sites and posts long-winded personal attacks on anyone who calls him angry and easily-offended. If this note was from his place, he would already be here calling every single commenter an uncultured mongoloid who snorts Starbucks Via packets in the American Apparel changing rooms.

    But he makes awesome homemade waffles with real maple syrup, so I still go there. Cautiously. Not making sudden movements.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 8:19 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   The Elf

      I’d put up with a lot for homemade waffles with real maple syrup. A lot.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 8:52 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   eslinger bang

      OK, so I snort Starbucks Via packets. But I do it in the bathroom at work where no one can see me in the throes of a caffeine high, little bits of coffee still smeared across my monogoloid face.

      It’s all worth it, because NW is a douchecanoe in a shit creek with no paddle.

      Oct 8, 2010 at 6:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.3   Canthz_B bang

      I’d like to have a snort or two in the bathroom at work, but vodka-breath is so hard to disguise!

      Oct 8, 2010 at 6:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.4   eslinger bang

      Tell me about it. Not as bad as whiskey, though.

      Oct 8, 2010 at 7:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.5   The Elf

      You two need to switch to peppermint schnapps. Then it’s like a breath freshner or mouth rinse.

      Oct 8, 2010 at 11:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   NRIGirl

    Wow! That is something… Speechless to say anything…

    Would you care to stop by at my coffee place for some Coffee with Jesus?!

    Welcome one and all!

    ~ NRIGirl

    Oct 6, 2010 at 9:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Adriana

    Here’s why the customer is king (most of the time) or, at the very least, an equal: first, as a customer, I do not need your product to live. If I want your product, I don’t even need to go to you, especially if we’re talking about coffee, which is sold basically everywhere. I’m sure there’s a coffee shop less than a quarter mile away whose owner won’t be a raging asshole to me. This is a luxury item, so in this case the owner needs to have a little perspective – in a bad economy, even with a superior product, he’s at best a luxury. Second, we both have something the other wants. I have more options than you, but still, you’re right here in the moment and I want some damn coffee. Let’s treat each other with a little bit of decency and respect. If I’m happy, I tell all my friends that the kindly old world coffee shop owner isn’t a megadouche and I come back frequently for coffee. Coffee owner gets my repeat business and doesn’t default on his mortgage. Everybody wins.

    I actually know a place like this in California. The owners are American, but they’re from a very small town full of descendants from Cornwall, so it’s creepy and insular and xenophobic. Anyway, I ordered a pasty and a bowl of soup. The owner said, “Oh, yeah, I don’t have any of that soup ready and I don’t feel like heating up anymore, so…” I ordered a different type of soup, got barely more than a dirty look and a growl, and waited for 30 minutes to get my food. Oh yeah, the place closes at 5 PM (open at noon) and the owner whined and lamented that she had to stay open to 7 PM for a festival that was in a town. Needless to say, I never came back. You’ve got to work a little for my money. Lord knows I had to work for it.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 9:49 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   The Elf

      I agree, except for the part about needing coffee to live. Don’t get between me and my coffee…..

      I suppose that’s what puzzles me the most about this. Who are these people that talk the ear off the barrista, wander around looking at everything with interest, make small talk polite inquiries, or volunteer advice BEFORE they get their coffee?

      Oct 6, 2010 at 10:07 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   berge bang

      I was puzzled by that also – the owner sure sounds like a jerk, but it sounds like they get some pretty nutty customers also – it’s like those ridiculous warnings on products – someone had to justify the “don’t use your barbeque while sleeping” warnings.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   Sirius¤ bang

      Adriana has too many rules.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 12:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.4   Tess

      My husband and I run a coffee shop, and we laughed hysterically reading this note yesterday– because people DO that. Constantly.

      Sometimes there’s nothing in the world that you wish for more, than to actually say, “Look, I really don’t give two beans about your podiatrist, or your dog, or your nine thousandth grandchild, and incidentally it’s not pronounced ‘whiffee’. Here’s your coffee. Business is fine. GTFO.”

      It’s a fleeting urge, and we supress it. But we empathize, we really do, with Captain Going Out of Business Crazy Bitter Fed-Up-With-Humans Man.

      Thankfully, we have lots of awesome, interesting and faithful customers that more than make up for the wandering worthless batshits. :-)

      Oct 7, 2010 at 7:13 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.5   Clumber

      Tess doesn’t give 2 beans about my dog(s) ???

      runs away sobbing

      (sneaks back for a sec’) I worked a quarter or 2 at the espresso stand at my University. I am not a coffee drinker myself and learned to respect (at 2x arms length if possible) that particular addiction. There were some customers that we’d spot several yards away walking toward us and get his/her usual order ready asap so as to avoid having to spend even 1 extra microsecond communicating with them. Others made me wonder why we didn’t also offer it in IV form.

      Also – never NEVER even joke with people about chocolate in their coffee. Some folks can sense how much syrup was placed in their mocha and will notify you angrily if it is different than they expected.

      (returns to sobbing)

      Oct 7, 2010 at 8:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.6   The Elf

      Oh, no, you misunderstand! I can see how a customer would be all of those things. I’ve worked retail too. Inevitably, while working retail or food service, somebody will make you hate humanity. I’m just amazed that these things are happening BEFORE they get their coffee, not, say, a half dozen cups in when they’re wired enough to act like ferrets on crack.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 11:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.7   Tess

      Well, perhaps for YOUR dog, I’ll make an exception… providing you don’t try and sneak it into my shop and simper, “Oh it’ll just be for a minute, he gets so lonely outside!”

      The Elf, a lot of the guilty parties are the ones that come in either just to let a child (or a parent, let’s be fair) use the restroom. While they shuffle awkwardly outside the bathroom door, they tend to make a miserable attempt at polite small-talk. “Sooo…… ah….. how long you been here?”

      (EFF OFF AND NEVER COME BACK YOU FREELOADING LUMP OF DUMPSTER DREGS, WHAT, YOU KNOW WE’VE BEEN HERE LONG ENOUGH TO USE OUR TOILETS, BUT NOT ACTUALLY PATRONIZE THE BUSINESS?!?!) *ahem* “Oh, about a year.”

      And then you get the ones that want to sit and nurse one cup of decaf and talk. And talk and talk and talk. There’s one guy– we see him coming down the street (luckily, he moves at about the same pace he talks: verrrrrry slllloooowwwwwwlyyy) and frantically try to find a way to look too busy to engage in any more painful convesation. It’s soul-sucking.

      And I understand he’s lonely. Nobody can stand the poor bastard. But that doesn’t mean that I have to dance attention on him for two hours for $1.19/free refills, paid entirely in nickels.

      Oct 8, 2010 at 6:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.8   El Jefe

      Ooh, what sort of pasty? Was it glittery? Did you make it spin?

      Oct 8, 2010 at 11:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.9   matt

      hahaha lol “…ferrets on crack”
      I would love to see a ferret on crack – any day

      Oct 10, 2010 at 7:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Alex dS

    Wow. If Dr. Sheldon Cooper had a store and for some reason couldn’t access a working printer…this is the sign he’d make.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 10:38 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Rattus

      And it’s quite delightful that he ended his diatribe with a non-negotiable social convention. Gotta love Dr. Cooper.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 11:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Mo®

      Warm kitty soft kitty little ball of fur…

      Oct 8, 2010 at 12:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   jen

    That’s just crazy. I don’t walk into random shops and ask how business is doing, but if the workers know me well enough to recognize me and say hello, I talk to them (assuming, of course, that I’m not holding up the line to do it). And one of the questions I’ll ask, if business doesn’t seem as heavy as usual, is whether they’re having a slow day. I’ve never ONCE had that met with defensiveness or irritation, and it’s never occurred to me that someone might consider that kind of observation rude.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 11:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   sleeps

      It is rather an interesting point, isn’t it? I can’t say that I ever have or would make that comment, but I think I would be particularly disinclined to say it to a small business employee. I mean, a Starbucks employee is probably thanking Jebus for a slow day, but somebody struggling to stay afloat is getting an ulcer from those ‘slow days’. Of course, people like this guy write crazy ass notes then wonder where their business has gone…

      Oct 6, 2010 at 1:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   mystic_eye_cda

    That sign breaks the language laws in Quebec, and trust me the language police have no sense of humour.

    I used to work for a company with a branch in Montreal that would get fined because one department just wouldn’t learn to answer the phone in French FIRST, but how much can you expect from drummers?

    Oct 6, 2010 at 11:45 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   vanillagrrl

    I like the part about not offering unwanted advice to the owner “unless you are asked for it.”

    Oct 6, 2010 at 11:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Savannah

    So…I’m guessing they don’t have free WiFi?

    This is the weirdest note ever. What the heck are you supposed to do while waiting for your coffee? You can’t make small talk, can’t look around at all…I shudder to think what might happen if you asked to use the restroom or wanted a lid for your coffee. I seriously doubt that the owner lets himself get bored enough that his “eyes glaze over.” And how sad is it that this guy wants to be king of a coffee shop? I bet that this note will have highlighting within a week.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 12:11 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   Peter

    Rule 1: Also, do not attempt to trick the owner with other putative social niceties that are actually intended to get to the root of his mental, physical, or financial stability, such as the intrusive “How’s it going?”, the presumptuous “What’s up?” and the probing “How you been?”

    Rule 2: Keep in line with your eyes directed forward. Do not look left or right. Those are only showerheads.

    Rule 3: a: The owner wishes to hear two words from you: small, medium or large and decaf or regular. Do not offer unwanted advice, such as “my spoon is dirty,” or “my cup is leaking,” or “can you add whipped cream?”

    b. Remember you are here to buy coffee in case this has slipped your mind between your passing under the sign that reads “Brulerie” and your arrival at the counter.

    c. If the owner wishes you to talk, he has ways of making you do so. Your gold fillings will be returned when you exit the store. And remember, it’s a brulerie. Just a brulerie.

    d. If the owner’s eyes glaze over, he has inhaled too much of the “coffee aroma” and will need to absent himself. Continue with your business at this time.You will be unharmed, and, remember, your gold will be returned.

    e. You are vermin crawling into this old world establishment; be glad the owner suffers your presence.

    f. When paying, do not make other financial inquiries such as “How large is your retirement account,” “are you weighted properly between equities and bonds,” or “can I get that back in singles?”

    Oct 6, 2010 at 12:16 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   Heidi

      Actually, for rule 1, I personally don’t like it when customers ask how I am or how’s it going. Just shut up and give me your order, so I can take your money and give you your food and get you on your way as fast as possible.

      Then again, I do work fast food and am trained to assume everyone is in a hurry. You’d be surprised, on evenings/weekends, practically no one is in a hurry. They’re all taking forever to order, calling all their friends/family, reading those people the menu, etc. The worst is when the car behind them complains to me. There’s nothing I can do to hurry up the care in front of you. Only you can do that by incessantly honking on your horn! (also: these people tend to have *huge* orders and we don’t make steady enough income on the weekends to make these orders with the speed we normally have on weekdays).

      In drive thru, you’re supposed to have ordered by 30 seconds, all cashed out in 60 seconds, and had your food and are gone by 90 seconds. On average, we’re able to get everyone gone in about 100-120 seconds on breakfast/lunch, and about 150-200 seconds on 3pm-11pm. On weekends, we run a drive thru time of 250 seconds. Lately, it’s been so busy that it’s reached 300 seconds by the time someone hits the window and 500-600 seconds by the time they got their food.

      Oct 6, 2010 at 5:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   Canthz_B bang

      Exactly why I refuse to use drive-up windows.

      I like to read the menu and decide what I might be in the mood for. I don’t need to get an ulcer worrying about the asshole in the car behind me who needs his freaking three-patty burger and super-sized fries and beverage right this second…as if his heart attack won’t be here soon enough. :roll:

      Oct 6, 2010 at 7:51 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.3   wonderman

      “Let me ask you a quick question: why does Taco Bell have a fucking menu? Do ya need this? I mean, just go up to the counter. The guy should go: “How do you want your beans and flour arranged?”

      -Bill Hicks

      Oct 7, 2010 at 12:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   berge bang

    I can tell why people are always asking how business is… they are amazed it’s still open!

    Oct 6, 2010 at 12:20 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Nightfire

    Oh! Field trip. Pushing this guy’s buttons would so be worth it.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 12:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   GhostWriter bang

    Buying coffee is only a secondary reason I’m in your coffee shop. I’m really here for the solid WiFi reception.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 1:56 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   GhostWriter bang

    “Kin dis conversation cum to an end yet, Daddy?”

    “Why no, Son! Ya gotta squeeze that there lamp cord a little tighter- see? His eyes are jus’ beginin’ ta glaze over…”

    Oct 6, 2010 at 2:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   TippingCows

    I guess I’m a little less affected by these things because I’d giggle at the note, give the guy silent props for posting it, and STILL buy his damned coffee (if it was good, of course).

    Oct 6, 2010 at 2:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   spottymax

    Wow, someone even douchier than McDonalds when it comes to “having your coffee.”

    Oct 6, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   mdeutschmtl

    Wow, this place is 3 blocks from my house. Gotta visit and, y’know, ask how business is.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #49.1   Clumber

      * and then report back to PAN.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 8:22 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #50   aaa bang

    Hm. All of those words and not one angry face drawing, pink and orange penis, or use of highlighting and underlining. Fucking lame. I’d be better off making my own damn coffee and angry signs.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Just_bob

    Wow, I’m from Montreal and I’ve been to that place a few weeks ago. They didn’t have the silly rules posted at that time. Coffee was OK, nothing special. Better than Starbucks (of course) but not as good as what you can get for half the price in Little Italy.

    The sign is even funnier if you imagine the comic book store guy from the Simpsons reading it.

    Oct 6, 2010 at 7:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   The Elf

      Worst. Coffee. Ever.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 7:45 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #52   Belle

    • #52.1   Canthz_B bang

      You know, there’s a much prettier way to build a hyperlink! ;-)

      Oct 7, 2010 at 7:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.2   Belle

      But then I couldn’t be lazy!

      Oct 8, 2010 at 12:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #53   wonderman

    Must be a relative of the much loved/hated “Beer Nazi” of G&S Lounge in Austin, TX.

    http://www.yelp.com/biz/g-and-s-lounge-austin?rpp=40&sort_by=rating_asc

    Oct 7, 2010 at 12:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #53.1   pony girl

      Seen that guy in action, I’m pretty sure he’s schizophrenic.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 4:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #53.2   wonderman

      I once saw him point and yell about me to some stranger for no apparent reason whatsoever.

      Oct 7, 2010 at 11:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #54   pony girl

    I’m rather surprised that nobody has mentioned the misspelling of actually, actually, because actually, it has bothered me for awhile now.

    Oct 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #54.1   eslinger bang

      I figured it was just another country’s way of spelling the word. Y’know, like, favorite and favourite.

      Oct 8, 2010 at 6:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.2   Madrias

      I know I’m in trouble when I read ‘spelling the word’ as ‘spilling the word’.

      Oct 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #55   orinoco womble

    Actually, I live in the Old World, and it’s common to engage in a lot of small talk before, during, and after making your purchases, whether it’s coffee, food or a bag of nails and a sledgehammer. You’re in a hurry, go to Starbucks or a superstore.
    And everyone you meet has reams of free, unsolicited advice on how to live your life–particularly regarding issues that are none of their business.

    Oct 8, 2010 at 1:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   MitziBell

    This owner has never heard of “kill ‘em with kindness.” Working in customer service, I sometimes have to be VERY kind. ;-)

    Oct 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   ingrid

    My first thought was “Bernard Black (of the Black Books tv show) , only perhaps more coherent and equally, if not more, mentally unstable”.

    Oct 10, 2010 at 9:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #58   Dainty

    I don’t know why (s)he bothered to write such a lengthy text, when a simple ‘F*CK OFF’ would’ve sufficed.

    Oct 22, 2010 at 5:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   nivea creme

    i’m from montreal, where is this place? anyone ?

    Nov 8, 2010 at 11:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   What ever next!!! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] That must be some damn good coffee… [...]

    Dec 5, 2010 at 5:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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