Merry Christmas! God told me to dump you.

October 10th, 2010 · 69 comments

Sara says her sister in Waxhaw, North Carolina stumbled upon this personal inscription at a rummage sale of donated books.

Here’s a synopsis: Basically, our writer Robert starts out by giving himself a gold star for selecting such an “interesting” Christmas gift, then lets Leah down easy with the old “God told me I could do better” excuse, and finally peaces out with “So…see ya on christianmingle.com!”

Why Leah would want to part with such a precious gem, I have no idea.

Dear Leah, This is a very interesting Christmas present! I hope you like it! I have prayed about us since our first date.  I think we should be friends and I hope that is the same the Lord told you. Our search for our life's companion [sic] continues...Robert

Dear Leah, This is a very interesting Christmas present! I hope you like it! I have prayed about us since our first date.  I think we should be friends and I hope that is the same the Lord told you. Our search for our life's companion [sic] continues...Robert

related: The “Next to Marry” List

FILED UNDER: breakup · Christmas · God · holiday spirit · most popular notes of 2010


69 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zbird

    Shofar Blew. And you didn’t, so God told me to dump you.

    xoxoxo,
    Robert

    Oct 10, 2010 at 9:43 pm   rating: 203  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Jonathan

      Hey, can you let me enjoy this? Do you know how good this feels? No, wait, I’m sorry, your first wife left you because you DON’T know how good this feels.

      Oct 10, 2010 at 9:55 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   park rose bang

      Sho far, Sho good.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 8:42 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   The Elf

      zbird, I’m giving you a thumb. But I don’t want to actually thumb the post, because it’s on the oh-so-perfect 69.

      Oct 12, 2010 at 8:41 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   TippingCows

    What a nice excuse – I’m sure god was very pleased to be your scapegoat.
    I tend to not use invisible spirits for my relationship counselors, though. Plus, asking god for advice on relationships is like asking a priest for sex advice … with women.

    Oct 10, 2010 at 10:16 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   VerityBrown bang

      Wow, I’m glad my deity isn’t the kind you’ve just described!

      Oct 10, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   JP

      Yeah, Cthulhu and/or Flying Spaghetti Monster are both WAY more lax when it comes to stuff like this!

      Oct 10, 2010 at 11:27 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Mo® bang

      Earth Mother and Father Sun are always gettin’ it on I completely trust their insights into this stuff. If they don’t know I ask the Brawny towel dude. He is always getting some action! Giggity!

      Oct 11, 2010 at 8:50 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      The way those solar flares explode in a golden shower of coronal mass ejection all over the Earth’s face just cannot compare to “regular porn”…

      Oct 11, 2010 at 12:36 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Ed Depaine

      It has universal mass appeal.

      I will not make the obvious black hole pun here…

      Oct 11, 2010 at 2:38 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Kay

    Wow. Leah’s best Xmas present ever — losing a very scary guy. Leah now said to be heard praying thanks that Robert is NOT her life companion.

    Oct 10, 2010 at 10:26 pm   rating: 56  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   orinoco womble

      Yeah…I like how upon close examination there seems to be almost a question mark between the words life (?) companion. It may have been a slip of the pen, but if so it was a very Freudian slip.

      People who come out with the “God told me to marry/date/break up with you” line give me the all-overs…and not in a good way.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Ed Depaine

      This guy walks a thin line between join you in the house of God and enjoy you in the basement under his house. Creep!

      Oct 11, 2010 at 12:26 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   France

    Dear Rob,

    I have prayed the Lord since our first date. I think I should lift a certain finger to you, and I hope the Lord thinks the same.

    My search for the dickest dick will not continue. You will remain in my heart, for reasons your humourless you might oversee. Thanks for the fun – namely all my girlfriends are extremely grateful to you for their future fun,

    Leah of a Past She.

    Oct 10, 2010 at 10:30 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Joshua

    If Leviticus weren’t so clearly opposed, I would totally date Richard. He sounds like my kinda guy.

    Oct 10, 2010 at 10:49 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Joshua

      It’s Robert, dumbass.

      Oct 10, 2010 at 10:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Joshua

      My bad!

      God Bless!

      Oct 10, 2010 at 10:49 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Heidi

      Leviticus is only opposed to anal sex with a man. It’s totally cool for you to date Robert, if you so choose.

      Besides, for all we know, Leah could’ve been the creep, and he could’ve been mocking her creepiness in this book’s dedication. You never know…

      Oct 11, 2010 at 4:26 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Anya

    Is it wrong of me to hope that she hit him with the book?

    Oct 10, 2010 at 11:08 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   jessi

      i think it would be a sin… besides, it looked like a flimsy paperback… i’m hoping she hit him with a hardback bible, preferably large-print :-)

      Oct 11, 2010 at 12:02 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Canthz_B bang

      Do you mean she may have thrown The Good Book at him?

      Oct 11, 2010 at 4:05 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   orinoco womble

      Hopefully she used the pulpit-size Bible, the one that weighs about 8 pounds.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 9:12 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   park rose bang

      Hopefully she went all King James on his ass! (Better than going all King Edward the II on his arse. Ouch.).

      Oct 15, 2010 at 10:16 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   zenvelo

    so how soon after Christmas was the rummage sale? I bet it was never read….

    Oct 11, 2010 at 12:13 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Divvitar

    Actually, he’d been praying since his first date that Leah would put out. When Leah pulled out the Purity Ring, it really put a strain on “Little Robert” So, his prayers from the Divine One went unanswered, meaning his search for losing his virginity continues.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 12:59 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Izzy

    I’ve read this book. Clearly he hasn’t, though, because there are relationship problems in it too. Not a good book to buy someone if you’re breaking up with them.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 1:24 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Nack

      Is there really a “good” book that says, “I want to break up”? For me, the Bible Toting Horn Blower here (wtf, Shofar, really!) takes the cake. It says, “Let’s break up, move to different zip codes, forget each other ever existed, and oh yeah, gifter, please get heavy therapy.”

      Oct 11, 2010 at 1:40 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Robert: What Christmas gift should I give to a woman I’m kicking to the curb, Steve?

    Steve McGarrett: Book her, Rob-o!!

    *cue 5-0 theme music*

    Oct 11, 2010 at 4:01 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Mo® bang

      thumb thumb thumb

      Thanks for the earworm!

      Oct 11, 2010 at 8:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Limeliberator bang

      *facepalm*

      Oct 11, 2010 at 10:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    Sounds like true love in code to me.
    You can’t tell a book by its cover page.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 4:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Limeliberator bang

      but you can tell a douchebag by the inscription that he puts on the flyleaf.. It’s ironic that he’s giving her an epic novel that spans 15 years as he’s dumping her.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 10:13 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Nahhh bang

    Dude has girly handwriting.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 4:19 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      Really? Is that what good penmanship is called today?
      Good thing I always had bad grades in penmanship.

      I’m ALL MAN now! :-P

      For the record, I key everything possible these days, can’t read my own writing, so watch out for my man-scent. I’m that manly!!

      Oct 11, 2010 at 4:33 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Smedrick

      If you think that’s good penmanship, I’d hate to see your bad penmanship.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 5:34 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Canthz_B bang

      I do. If it’s legible, I consider it good. It doesn’t have to be calligraphy in my humble opinion. I’m not that anal.
      And yes, you’d hate to see my bad penmanship…I think I mentioned that, or did you miss it? :roll:

      Oct 11, 2010 at 8:54 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      But don’t tell Claw. He likes thinking CB is anal.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 9:03 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Axis of Peter

    Maybe Toot here was getting the message from God bolloxed up. Cuz he either did the unthinkable–trying to emulate a business letter by including a more legible version of his name and a scrawlyazz signature (though he got the order wrong)–or God visited him with an aneurysm right at the end of that note.

    So, Leah never saw this and continues to visit Horndog in the nursing home, where she mistakes his gurgles of horror for exclamations of welcome.

    “Mindy,” she says to her “roomie” as she returns to her Hummel-adorned digs, “he said, ‘I love you’ today. Well, it was more like ‘Luck You,’ but you know, that’s pretty good for someone who’s been paralyzed for two years and all.”

    Oct 11, 2010 at 5:06 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Flaboy2425

    I don’t think she lost much. He’s too chicken to tell her face to face. She’s probably jumping for joy because she found out what kind of guy he is before the wedding.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 6:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   eslinger bang

    More like Merry Douchemas.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 6:45 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   eslinger bang

      Or Merry Ex-Mas.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 6:46 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Gavin

    Chastity is just a method employed by men that are uninspiring in bed, to tie a girl down…

    Oct 11, 2010 at 7:50 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   park rose

      I thought that was called bondage.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 1:12 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Mo® bang

    Verily we say unto thee if thoust didst not goeth down then the rod was spoilt. If with a grin thoust did wipeth thine chin then all wouldst be forgot.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 8:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dear Robert,

    I too have prayed about us since our first date. I, however, do not hear voices. God hasn’t told me anything yet, but if he does start speaking to me I hope to Hell it isn’t about you. I’m hoping for the cure for cancer; the secret to World Peace; or the winning Lotto numbers.

    Thank you for allowing me to gracefully dodge the bullet of being your “life’s partner”.

    Leah

    Oct 11, 2010 at 9:07 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Dave

    In addition to what has already been said, who really wants an “interesting” Christmas present? In terms of gifts, I ususally hope (i.e., pray) for something awesome, or at least useful. “Interesting” is how I euphemistically label sucky gifts.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Limeliberator bang

      I think he was going for “sucky.” I mean if you’re about to dump someone you don’t pay full retail for “cool.”

      Oct 11, 2010 at 10:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   berge bang

    Did he sign it… and then sign it again with a fancier signature?!

    Oct 11, 2010 at 11:12 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Nightfire bang

    I think it’d be funny if she hit him with the book and/or a bible, then told him that God told her to do it.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 11:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   T.U.M.

    It’d be just like that wacky old Lord to tell Robert they should just be friends, but then tell Leah they should get married, move to the suburbs, and have four kids!

    Oct 11, 2010 at 12:10 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   anglophile bang

      I think you’ve got the germ of a hit sitcom there…

      Oct 11, 2010 at 8:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    Rummage sale of donated books, huh.

    I’m surprised Leah didn’t want to keep this book forever, with a rejection note in it to explain to her eventual children.

    I’ve had a guy break up with me by email and justify it by saying, “I’ve always expressed myself better in writing.” Plus, I’m a bloody coward and hate scenes.

    Oct 11, 2010 at 12:17 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   orinoco womble

      The lowest of the low is getting a breakup note by txt msg. In txtspk.

      Oct 12, 2010 at 6:25 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   The Elf

      Inscriptions in books are meant for the ages. Break-up notes are for the present. It’s bad enough to break up via note, but what was he thinking by breaking up via book inscription?

      Oct 12, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   ammali

      @ orinoco: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb0s1AePP2g

      Oct 13, 2010 at 8:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   park rose bang

      What’s your complaint, Elf? He did breakup via the present!

      Oct 15, 2010 at 10:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   orinoco womble

      It should read “M brkng p wt u.”

      Oct 17, 2010 at 9:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Noelegy

    I once had a psycho friend declare herself an ex-friend by informing me that we could no longer be friends because it was interfering with her “walking with God.” Afterwards, I felt like it was ME God was looking after….! :)

    Oct 11, 2010 at 4:29 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   anglophile bang

      I got dumped once by a guy who decided while we were dating to become a minister. As I’m an unrepentant heathen, I had to go.

      He was a bit of a drip anyway.

      Oct 11, 2010 at 8:53 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   aaa bang

    Well, I asked my god what he thought about it, but then all David Bowie did was me a bunch of cease and desist letters from his lawyers. I can never get a straight answer out of him. :/

    Oct 11, 2010 at 6:54 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   The voice of... James Mason

      well, you know, bowie’d love to come and meet us, but he thinks he’d blow our minds… ;-)

      Oct 11, 2010 at 7:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   park rose

      . . . and he’s told us not to blow it,
      ‘cos he know it’s all worthwhile . . .

      Oct 12, 2010 at 12:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Mo®

      Let the children use it
      Let all the children boogie.
      Amen.

      Oct 12, 2010 at 8:39 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Noelegy

      I had to phone someone so I picked on you
      Hey that’s far out so you heard him too…

      Oct 12, 2010 at 4:46 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Odious

    He threatens “the same thing the Lord-God told you”. Because, you’d think he’s prepared to hear, “Really? Cuz God told me something different. I wonder who he’s lying to?”.

    But what he’s really saying is “Unlike you, God actually talks to me and if you say something different, then you’re calling God a liar. You see, this isn’t about me, it’s about you calling God a liar!”

    This guy’s a slime ball who uses the supernatural to threaten his dates. Man, what hubris (I’m god’s message boy)!

    Totally P/A!!

    Oct 12, 2010 at 12:20 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   TippingCows

    Because if there is a god, he/she/it really cares about your first date.
    If things like that pique this god’s interest, it’s no wonder the world is such a shitty place.

    Oct 12, 2010 at 3:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Noelegy

      In high school, I dated a boy whom I hooked up with at a church “skate night.” After one of our dates during which there was mutual woo-pitching, he wrote me this long, sanctimonious letter about all the religious reasons we needed to ignore our teenaged hormones (but somehow managed to make it sound like it was all my fault). Come to think of it, I guess God was looking after me on that one too: we only dated for six weeks.

      Oct 12, 2010 at 4:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Mark bang

      Team Hormones.

      Oct 12, 2010 at 5:05 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   kristanova

    Waxhaw NC represent! LOL that’s where i grew up. i 100% believe the legitimacy of this, knowing that town.

    Oct 17, 2010 at 9:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     

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