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At least in prison they get to play basketball in the courtyard

October 13th, 2010 · 57 comments

Unsurprisingly, Emily in D.C. says it took less than 24 hours for one her neighbors to call bullshit on the building management’s “exciting news.”

Exciting News!! The Courtyard is Now Open!!

Meanwhile, this building in Columbus, Ohio — which submitter Andrew says is “really nice and fancy-looking” — appears to take the mullet approach to policing its public spaces. (Business in the front, party in the back!)

Do not shit in doorway. Smoke your crack in rear lot. Thank you

Adds Andrew: “I 100% believe that this note is legit. I work exactly one block away from where the sign was posted, and a few days ago, I went outside only to find my self interrupting someone who was pissing on our dumpster. We have caught people in the act of shitting in our parking lot, and have also received many “anonymous fecal gifts.”

related: It’s fall! Here are a few updates and several complaints.

FILED UNDER: blame it on the crackhead · Columbus · D.C. · drugs · landlords and property managers · shit · WTF?

57 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Kelly Kapowski

    Where is this in Cbus? I want to go see for myself!

    Oct 13, 2010 at 9:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   whipoorwill

      The sign, or the shit??

      Oct 14, 2010 at 7:49 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   kiff

      me too!

      Oct 14, 2010 at 11:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Andrew

      Downtown, in the Atlas Building (corner of Long and High), if you know the area, it’s basically right next door to Deli Boys.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 9:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #2   JetJackson

    Is “smoking your crack” referring to actually smoking crack or is it a euphemism for taking a shit very quickly?

    Oct 13, 2010 at 9:45 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Madrias

      Probably they don’t want people farting in the building.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   park rose

      “Your crack is smokin’!” Directed to many a very hot plumber the world over.

      Oct 15, 2010 at 9:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #3   DrBombay

    Oh god please someone say that shit was delicious!


    Oct 13, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   AuntyBron

      It tasted like chicken.

      Oct 13, 2010 at 11:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Madrias

      I’m waiting for WotV now…

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Canthz_B bang

      Wotv, is the least of his worries…wait until Endora hears about his chickenshit comment.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Madrias

      I don’t know Endora. I’ve seen WotV pounce on these goofs, though.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Canthz_B bang

      Try and view the cast of characters from the TV series “Bewitched”.
      Dr. Bombay and Endora are both there.

      Endora did not suffer fools lightly (she could be a real witch sometimes), and as I remember it, Dr. Bombay was quite a buffoon. Still is apparently. ;-)

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   Woman on the Verge bang

      Dr. Bombay, Dr. Bombay, emergency, get the fuck off this wall right away!

      Don’t you people EVER learn?

      Oct 14, 2010 at 8:59 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #4   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger) bang

    The courtyard rules don’t preclude shitting in the courtyard or smoking crack there.

    If only these two places were closer together I’m sure they could work out a deal.

    Oct 13, 2010 at 11:13 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

  • #5   lisa

    just to annoy the courtyard people, I’d play every sport that doesn’t involve throwing a ball, use my deep fryer (extension cord, baby) to make non-barbecue food, walk a person on a leash (hey, apparently people are shitting in public, at least my pet human will have baggies), and play books-on-tape on my boom box. Muahahaha. The passive-aggressive equivalent of ‘I’m not touching you!’

    Oct 13, 2010 at 11:36 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Madrias

      I’d do similar. Badminton on the courtyard, solar oven to make baked potatoes, playing random loud noises on a boom-box, and bringing along my pet computer. Hopefully the computer won’t shit floppy disks, cause then I have to pick them up.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:08 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Mo®

      Man you have to hear Doctor Zhivago chapter 3, it rocks! Let’s play it again. I also have the До́ктор Жива́го radio mix ft. Omar Sharif!

      Oct 14, 2010 at 8:18 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #6   taosaur

    The street people are pretty thick in C-bus, as are drunken college students. On a side note, why after reading this post did I go get chocolate pudding?

    Oct 13, 2010 at 11:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Why shit in the doorway if you can hold it until you get to the stairwell?
    Though personally, I prefer the privacy of an elevator, but that’s just because I’m so modest.

    Oct 14, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Madrias

      Yep, a nice lump on the 4th stair from the top would be my passive-aggressive act. Elevators are too crowded, no one uses stairs anymore.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Canthz_B bang

      No one but teen-aged girls engaged in cell phone conversations they didn’t want their parents to hear used the stairwell in my old building in New Jersey.
      Freaky little wenches…yeah, I kept my door ajar…

      Oct 14, 2010 at 12:37 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   The Elf

      I try to hold it until I get to the gym showers.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 7:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   whipoorwill

      I vote for shitting in the elevator…. taking the stairs everyday is good for your health!!!

      Oct 14, 2010 at 7:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    That courtyard is manned by a chair umpire between 10:00am and dusk, but pretty much anything goes after dark.

    (backhanded snark, but don’t fault me for it!)

    Oct 14, 2010 at 12:48 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   *snerk*

      Advantage C_B.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 10:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Mo® bang

      You’re an ace when it comes to good ideas CB!

      Oct 14, 2010 at 1:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   anglophile bang


      Oct 14, 2010 at 8:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Canthz_B bang

      Thanks :oops:, I had a deuce of a time thinking of something to serve up.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 8:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #9   Haales

    i live in columbus, but don’t know exactly where it is..but i’m pretty sure by this note, that i work in the vicinity…and it isn’t rare to see a homeless person drop trou and shit on a front store stoop, get up and leave. DO NOT SIT ON THE CEMENT COUCH, EVER!!! i’ve seen what happens on it….ick!

    Oct 14, 2010 at 4:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   bored @work

      Columbus is in Ohio. You would think that if you lived there, you would know where it is located…

      Oct 14, 2010 at 7:42 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #10   bored @work

    Based on the 2nd note, I could still smoke crack in the doorway and shit in the rear lot. A ‘rear lot’ seems more appropriate for the old squat and drop anyhow.

    Oct 14, 2010 at 7:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #11   Captain Calypso

    But can they smoke their crack in the courtyard from the first note? It doesn’t say that you can’t!

    Oct 14, 2010 at 7:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #12   The Elf

    Of course a building in DC would make an overly detailed and excessive list of regulations for the new courtyard. I bet it was late and cost more than was budgeted, too. I say throw them all out! Deregulate the building! The management has too much power! Now, who is going to join me for a tea party in the courtyard?

    Oct 14, 2010 at 7:55 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      Well, there are a lot of people out of work whose companies get big tax breaks and make big profits for sending their jobs overseas…perhaps they have time to teabag with you.
      Time after they’re through giving back their Liberal Social Security checks, Medicare benefits and pay back for the tax write-offs on their mortgage interest that is.

      Oh, how I pine for the good old days of child labor and no minimum wage.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 8:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Let me know how that all works out. I’m going to the back lot to smoke some crack and direct the shitters to the courtyard.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 9:03 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   The Elf

      It would make sense that ball throwing is ruled out but not ball handling. It’s DC; they’re still debating don’t ask don’t tell.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 1:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Mo® bang

      Well someone is going to get the shaft.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 2:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #13   Splint Chesthair

    That courtyard note is just begging for a P.A . response. Feel free to use the great new courtyard to … stand quietly and maybe read if the rustling of the pages isn’t too loud.

    Nothing worse than having to deal with a human feces problem. It warps your mind. You can’t think straight because your brain can’t let go of the fact that you actually have to try to think of a solution to keep people from shitting or pissing in, on, or around your building besides, “Dude, quit shitting there!” It’s really a difficult problem to solve without being really really aggressive.

    Oct 14, 2010 at 9:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   Nightfire bang

    So.. go to the first building with a child on a leash, either audio books or animal noises on tape, and perhaps a campfire to roast some non-bbq food over. I’m thinking the kid would need a noisy train set, too.

    Oct 14, 2010 at 12:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Mo® bang

      Ooooooo :shock: YES a child on a leash with a slide whistle. Set up a fire pot and make some smores whilst listening to ‘This American Life’ and the dulcet tones of Ira Glass.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 1:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Nightfire bang

      Now you’re thinking. Any non-ball toy that makes obnoxious amounts of noise would do.

      Oh! We could burn garbage scented candles too. All the scent with none of the littering.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   Captain Calypso

      And the crack. Don’t forget the crack.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 2:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   Nightfire bang

      Who could forget the crack?

      Oct 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #15   aaa bang

    I want to marry Andrew for the phrase “anonymous fecal gifts”. <3

    I'm totally not creepy or anything….

    Oct 14, 2010 at 2:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Mo® bang

      The as yet unknown fourth Magi and his Fecal gifts. He was the unwise man…Special even.

      someone should check the crawl space under aaa’s home.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Andrew

      Why thank you ;) I was pretty proud of that one myself hahaha.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 9:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   JoshD

    Am I the only one that read the courtyard note in the Professors voice from Futurama?

    Great News Everyone!

    Oct 14, 2010 at 2:35 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #17   Brigs

    If we are no longer allowed to shit on the steps, how do they expect us to properly mark our territory?

    Oct 14, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   se bang

      Sign didn’t say anything about shitting on the steps, just don’t shit in the doorway.
      I would say that also means that you could piss in the doorway and not be bothered.

      Oct 14, 2010 at 3:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   berge bang

    I love signs like #2 where they think that people who are inconsiderate enough to shit on someone’s doorway are possibly going to stop because they put up a sign. And said thank you.

    Oct 14, 2010 at 6:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    If Lot was a doorway shitting-in crackhead, why did God spare him?

    Oct 14, 2010 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Bored@Work bang

      ‘Cuz after Lot took care of business, he didn’t look back. (Unlike his wife, who now is a leading cause of high blood pressure.)

      Oct 15, 2010 at 7:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   park rose

      He was a pillar of the community . . . no, hold on, that was his wife . . . salt of the earth, you know.

      Oct 15, 2010 at 9:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   Canthz_B bang

      They were in a tight spot, so she opted for the saline solution.

      Oct 17, 2010 at 11:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger) bang

      And ever since, Lot has lost contact with her.

      Oct 17, 2010 at 8:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   Kenrih

    “fecal gifts” That’s my new favorite phrase for all the little presents the mice leave in my house.

    Oct 18, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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