Writes our submitter in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: “A woman in my office was recently relocated to a new cubicle, apparently against her will. I don’t really know her, but I guess now I know not what not to use as an ice breaker!”
related: Really, enough about the weather.
92 responses so far ↓
#1
Gretchen
As a fellow despiser of small talk, I can’t help but love this.
Oct 24, 2010 at 9:44 pm rating: 90
#2
jen
i love it.
Oct 24, 2010 at 9:45 pm rating: 90
#3
Texrtw
From the tone of the note, she was assigned to new spot so she could recover from her recent personality bypass operation.
Oct 24, 2010 at 9:50 pm rating: 90
#4
Amy
Maybe her supervisor got tired of her sparkling personality and upbeat attitude (for now).
Oct 24, 2010 at 9:51 pm rating: 91
#5
Jamie
Just don’t take her red Swingline stapler!
Oct 24, 2010 at 9:51 pm rating: 90
#6
KST
Someone should have added onto “no I don’t know why” so it says “no I don’t know why I’m such a bitch.”
Oct 24, 2010 at 9:51 pm rating: 90
#7
Melodie
I tell you what: we got a new fish tank in my office, and someone bungled the setup, so no matter what we do, the water keeps getting cloudy.
The tank is right beside my desk, in plain sight as soon as you walk through the door, so at least ten times a day, someone walks in and says “Whoa, you need to clean your fishtank!” As if there is any possibility at all that I haven’t noticed this myself.
And so I have become the kind of person who imagines workplace violence.
I wish I could force people to read a handout before speaking to me.
Alas.
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:02 pm rating: 90
#8
pony girl
NO I DON’T THINK ALL CAPS IS OBNOXIOUS
NO I DON’T LIKE ENDING MY SENTENCES WITH PUNCTUATION WHY DO YOU ASK
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:09 pm rating: 91
#9
Go Phillies!
YES I AM SENDING OUT RESUMES
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:12 pm rating: 90
#10
Penfold
Menopause
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:14 pm rating: 90
#11
Joe Blow
Future wearer of the moniker: “A quiet person who kept to herself. We never would have suspected she was capable of this…”
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:22 pm rating: 90
#12
DarkCatalyst
A not so subtle message: If you’re going to open your mouth, at least TRY to be interesting. As someone who hates inane small talk, I totally agree with her message. It’ll put those chatty narcissists in their place.
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:27 pm rating: 90
#13
nerazurri
NO I WASN’T PLANNING ON TALKING TO YOU ANYWAY!
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:29 pm rating: 90
#14
sarah
maybe if she had put it in comic sans it would have come off as more ‘playful’…
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:38 pm rating: 90
#15
Jesse
Complaining about it being a shorter walk to the bathroom??? What is wrong with this person? I would love to have a nice short walk to the facilities instead of what I have now.
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:39 pm rating: 90
#16
www.stuffistolefromtheinternet.com
I like this guy’s style. I despise small talk too.
Oct 24, 2010 at 10:40 pm rating: 90
#17
May
I love her!
Oct 24, 2010 at 11:02 pm rating: 90
#18
Guy
Wow. She’s really full of herself. What a bitch. I hope you get someone nicer to work with soon.
Oct 24, 2010 at 11:57 pm rating: 90
#19
Canthz_B
Lastly, “No, I don’t live here, so stop asking how I like my new home!”
Oct 25, 2010 at 12:45 am rating: 90
#20
Nahhh
I have an urge to give her a (clean) kitty-litter box as a cube-warming gift.
Oct 25, 2010 at 3:35 am rating: 90
#21
blossom_87
LOL reminds me of when my daughter was born, I was sooo tempted to stick a sign to her pram saying
*my baby is ___ days/weeks old
*her name is Emily
*she was born at X hospital
*yes, I had a natural delivery
*she weighed 7&’10 and is gaining well
*breastfeeding
*sleeping as well as newborns do
*yes, thankyou, I know she’s adorable
Can definitely understand this person’s motives but yeah, kind of bitchy to actually do it.
Oct 25, 2010 at 6:59 am rating: 90
#22
Goldie
No it’s not Friday yet
Yes you can go home now, I don’t give a crap
No, we’re not having fun yet
Yes I’m making coffee
Yes I’m making tea
Yes this really is my lunch
Can you tell I love this woman? She needs to put her note on a T-shirt and get to selling.
Oct 25, 2010 at 7:22 am rating: 90
#23
Woman on the Verge
I completely understand the frustration with answering the same questions over and over, but I would have to drop off a note to her that says:
NO I DON’T REALLY CARE
Oct 25, 2010 at 8:06 am rating: 90
#24
matt
Of course she was forced to relocate closer to the toilet. Those trailing piles of shit across the floor when she didn’t quite make it made everybody dry heave
Oct 25, 2010 at 8:45 am rating: 90
#25
GhostWriter
There is no stream of antagonists; it’s just one guy who keeps asking all the same questions over and over, thinking that somehow the conversation will end with, “Let’s have lunch!”
Oct 25, 2010 at 9:19 am rating: 90
#26
The Elf
Team note-writer! I sympathize, having suffered an incomprehensible cubicle move in the past. They moved me from the 3rd down, 2nd in cubicle to 4th down, 1st in. I was truly puzzled. What I really loved is that they ran out of cubicle walls or something and thus left out the wall that was on the hallway. All that day, as I unpacked and filed everything, people kept coming by and asking me why I was moved and what’s wrong with this missing wall. Gah! In the end, I moved the under-desk file cabinets to the space where the wall should have been and got a very large plant. Insta-wall. Cubicle life was tolerable again.
Oct 25, 2010 at 9:37 am rating: 90
#27
Savannah
The receptionist at my work is a good friend of mine. People constantly walk by her desk and say “Wake up!” which irritates her to no end (she’s always working when they say this–or at least appearing to work). I’m thinking of making her a sign now.
Oct 25, 2010 at 10:00 am rating: 90
#28
Nightfire
Team note-writer on this. Getting asked the same things over and over again when you know the people don’t care and are just trying to make small talk is only tolerable for so long.
Oct 25, 2010 at 10:13 am rating: 90
#29
Sara
While I can see where the note-writer is coming from, it’s still poor form. Grin and bear it for a few days, why don’t you? Truly inspired small-talkers aren’t going to see the note, anyway.
If I was the neighbor I’d put up my own note saying “thanks for relieving me of the chore of having to pretend I want to talk to you”
Oct 25, 2010 at 10:26 am rating: 90
#30
berge
I hate the small talk also, and have found if you just go on one long crazy rant, everyone eventually leaves you alone.
Oct 25, 2010 at 10:50 am rating: 90
#31
rft420
I once had a desk next to the office printer, which meant everytime someone was waiting for a print job, I had to carry on small talk with them while it printed. I grew to hate my coworkers.
But I’m still NOT team notewriter
Oct 25, 2010 at 11:54 am rating: 90
#32
ashmeadow
Yeah, nobody’s trying to make small talk, because those aren’t really small talk questions. Those are “I want to be ‘in the know’ about what happens in this office, so I have something to gossip about” questions. I can just see everyone around the water cooler now:
“Hey did you hear about Sandra’s move?”
“Yeah, she’s moved so much further from the copier, now.”
“I wonder if it’s quieter?”
“Don’t ask her. She doesn’t want to talk about the move.”
“What a bitch! She’ s so much closer to the bathroom!”
Oct 25, 2010 at 12:38 pm rating: 90
#33
oi
I think this is a desperate attention plea. oh look at me I am such a bitch to you. Please look at me. I am sure nobody is remotely interested in interacting with her anyway. The fact that she posted this note all to see proves that she does not hesitate in throwing bitchfit without slightest provocation in person interaction. I for one sure do not make a small talk with such persons, note or no note. Actually I’d minimize the personal interaction. The emails are great for this.
That is why she has to resort to creating the problems so that she can portray herself as the only hard working martyr worker and others as stupid slackers.
Everybody knows that if you have to team work with NW she would make sure that your inbox is bombarded with every detail, however slightly related, but the ones you actually need. So you go and ask for that and she has one more stupid coworker whose job she has to explain to them. See how miserable her life is? Damn! she has to deal with stupid coworkers who would not leave her alone!
Oct 25, 2010 at 1:43 pm rating: 90
#34
Madrias
From an experienced small-talker, I know which topics to avoid trodding on. If you need to make small talk, do so in a nice way. Mention how nice someone’s hair looks that day, or how the new cubicle spacing put a light where it really brings out their eyes. Mention that it looks like they got a nice computer out of it, or some little thing that won’t irritate.
As for the notewriter, I’d suggest purchasing a nice loud airhorn.
Oct 25, 2010 at 2:46 pm rating: 90
#35
divaandwriter
Dear New Cubicle Neighbor:
Thank you for answering all my questions. Now I won’t have to be bothered talking to you. If I have any further questions, I’ll email you.
Oct 26, 2010 at 9:34 am rating: 90
#36
Noelegy
This looks like a corner cubicle. As a former dweller of same, I can testify that people loved to gather there and talk endlessly. Not TO me, just…there. I tried complaining to management, but managers were some of the most egregious offenders. I tried putting up a sign that said “Quiet Please” because I had to be on the phone a lot, but was told to take it down. I envy an office where you can head chitchat off at the pass in this manner.
Oct 26, 2010 at 10:12 am rating: 90
#37
Bcal92
I am a facilities guy and this is my life. I don’t even get all “teh crazy,” HR filters a bunch out.
Oct 26, 2010 at 1:48 pm rating: 90
#38
bibberly
Having been moved several times at a previous job, I wish I had thought to make a sign like this. Especially when I was moved into the file room (just stick a desk in there!), where everyone had to go many times throughout the day. It’s not only super annoying to answer these questions repeatedly, but it really does take a chunk of your time, not to mention breaking your concentration.
Now I work at a school. The A/C goes out a lot (we’re in Florida). How many times a day can I answer each student and teacher who says, “It sure is hot, isn’t it?” I just want a t-shirt that says, “Yes, I’m just as hot as you are.” Oh wait, that might be inappropriate…
Oct 27, 2010 at 6:11 pm rating: 90
#39
Isa
Poor baby has to walk a little further to the copier? Aww.
Oct 27, 2010 at 9:41 pm rating: 90
#40
TippingCows
I don’t think it’s rude at all. She didn’t call anyone a name, didn’t swear, and didn’t threaten anyone.
She’s just heading off stupid conversation at the pass.
For the sake of management, she’s trying to be a more PRODUCTIVE worker. Now give her a red Swingline, stat!
Oct 27, 2010 at 9:44 pm rating: 90
#41
bearcat
A very tall friend of mine had a t-shirt made that said “No, I don’t play basketball.” It was totally justified.
Oct 28, 2010 at 8:00 pm rating: 90
#42
Sal
I made a shirt like this for a family reunion once. It read:
“Sally, John and Jane’s oldest daughter.
17 years old.
Junior year.
Yes, I’ve started thinking about college.
No, I don’t know what I want to study
Yes, I’m aware that I’ve grown since you last saw me”
Oct 29, 2010 at 6:46 am rating: 90
#43
terr
I so work in this office building. I recognize the floor grates, they’re pretty unique. I’m going to go look for that desk!
Oct 29, 2010 at 11:30 am rating: 90
#44
Caitlin S
I can sympathize with her. Owning an interesting dog means you get the same questions and “jokes” over and over again.
“Yes, she is a Great Dane. I know she’s very big. She weighs 150 lbs. They don’t actually eat that much for their size because they are too lazy to burn much energy, but it is still quite a lot of food. She does take up the whole couch or bed. She does think she’s a person. I know her poop is the size of your Chihuahua” (not that she does that in public). ”
And for the love of GOD, do NOT ask if she’s a pony or whether you can put a saddle on her. There’s a point at which it is somewhat funny, and then you just want to slap everyone. Hard.
These questions are really only okay from children, but with kids you’re too busy trying to tell them she’s too lazy to do anything but accept their love.
Nov 3, 2010 at 10:42 pm rating: 90
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