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Another 4-year-old gets wise to the cruel, cruel world we live in.

October 28th, 2010 · 128 comments

With Halloween upon us, it’s not just uprooted flowers that are breaking the hearts of 4-year-olds around the world. Now entire families (of pumpkins) are being destroyed!

PLEASE DO NOT steal our pumpkins! Our four year old daughter was heart broken about seeing HER pumpkin busted in the street. We DID have a momma pumpkin, a daddy pumpkin and a baby pumpkin, we were planning on carving them as a FAMILY this weekend. You took our JOY when you STOLE our pumpkin.

Once again, this compulsive over-sharing seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon. As Archie in Brighton witnessed, the Brits manage to get straight to the bloody point.

Who ever stole our kids pumpkin we hope it chokes you. Sarah, Kevin and the children cared and watered the pumpkin patch for weeks.

related: People suck. (A valuable lesson for any four-year-old)

FILED UNDER: guilt trip · Halloween · kids · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?

128 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Woman on the Verge bang

    To note writer #1: Put your fucking pumpkins inside.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   mygirlrosie

      Why should they have to put their pumpkins inside? Why shouldn’t people be able to decorate their homes for the season? So the jackassholes of the world won’t be tempted to be jackassholes who steal pumpkins?

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:54 pm   rating: 108  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Amanda

      You are aware that a week inside will cause a pumpkin to get all soft and mushy and after that it would rot.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:56 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      Then don’t buy them a week early. Or put them in a garage… or in the back yard. Not by your front door. Cheezus, people. This isn’t rocket surgery. ;)

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:27 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Canthz_B bang

      mygirl, I totally agree with you, but people steal and teenagers engage in mischief. A little prudence may have saved the life of Baby Pumpkin. Maybe storing them on the back porch until after the family carving hour.


      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:29 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Ndawg

      My neighbor’s pumpkins were carried off, bite by delicious bite, by chipmunks. I know because I watched it happen over the course of last week. They didn’t just eat the baby. They went for big papa as well.

      Too bad PANs are posted too high for Alvin et al to read. We’ll never know if they knew what pain they wrought.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:32 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   Mo® bang

      It is actually cooler inside my house and the pumpkins rot faster on the porch. I think they should make some out of concrete so next time the gourd smasher comes to call they will get a hernia trying to snatch it.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 4:39 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   GeeRags bang

      Hahaha! I agree.

      Oct 30, 2010 at 11:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   FeRD bang

      I want to hear more about this rocket surgery! I’ve been a rocket scientist, but seemed like we mostly just slapped ‘em together and lobbed ‘em up high. This sounds much cooler.

      Oct 30, 2010 at 3:10 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #2   tinkerjenn

    ….poor children.

    …but the pumpkins were fucking delicious.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well, that didn’t take long.

      I hate you.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:40 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   bored@work

      Maybe tinkerjenn will choke on them too…

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:52 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   tinkerjenn

      doubtful I will choke, but thanks for playing :)

      I’m a secret lurker fan of WotV…it had to be done.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:54 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Canthz_B bang

      Not anymore you’re not. ;-)

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      I’ve always wanted a fan club.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   Canthz_B bang

      Fans make excellent clubs, electric ones, not paper.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:48 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   Mo® bang

      ♥ tinkerjenn and Wo!

      Oct 28, 2010 at 4:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.8   AuntyBron

      Actually, CB, I prefer Japanese fans – they have blades.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 11:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.9   Arrrrrrrg bang

      Raiders fans have guns…

      Huh, what?

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #3   bored@work

    Her pumpkin busted in the street? Is that a euphemism? If so, I agree only a sicko would do that to a four year old.

    (Good god, I really am bored@work today. And yes, ‘god’ is lower case on purpose. I’m not referring to the Christian one.)

    Oct 28, 2010 at 2:42 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Catburglar

      Why does only the Christian God get a capital letter, I ask? I personally have a variety of Gods who get quite pissy when referred to in lower case, especially the God of Plumbing and the God of Good Hair. I can well imagine that the God of References to Child Molestation might feel the same, so watch your step, Bored.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:52 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   much to my chagrin

      Who cares?
      Edit: Oops, cat beat me to it :/

      Oct 28, 2010 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   bored@work

      Why does only the Christian God get a capital letter? Lord only knows…..

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:06 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   WMDKitty

      @bored — I see what you did there!

      Oct 29, 2010 at 2:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #4   TrainReq

    The first one actually makes me feel bad for stealing all the pumpkins I have in my days.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 2:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   the Librarian

      Really? I’d think someone brazen enough to steal and smash pumpkins would care naught for the emotions (joy or otherwise) for pumpkin-owners as thin-skinned as these.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:19 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Canthz_B bang

      Smashing Pumpkins is a good name for a…never mind. :mrgreen:

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:46 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   The Elf

      I prefer Smiling Politely.

      Nov 1, 2010 at 12:07 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   Hawley

    Ma’am, the pumpkin only represented your child. Your real daughter is probably safely inside the house watching Teen Mom.

    …but for realz, I’d be pissed, too. Whether I’d be pissed enough to write a randomly-capitalized letter on what appears to be butcher paper, I can’t say.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 2:55 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    When I carve up a family, I don’t usually tell anyone about it.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 2:59 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Spoo

      “Stole”, “Rescued”, what’s the difference?

      Also, since the perpetrator TOOK THEIR JOY, does that mean they’ll let the other pumpkins go?

      Oct 28, 2010 at 3:51 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   *snerk*

      Maybe in West Memphis they’ll find their joy.

      He took their joy.
      They want it back.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 7:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Times are indeed hard when an entire patch yields but one pumpkin.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 3:01 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Madrias

      Too true. Maybe if we give the pumpkin vines a layoff they’ll work harder.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Call me Gaga bang

      It’s okay if it’s the Great Pumpkin.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 9:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Arrrrrrrg bang

      There is only one Pumpkin and it is Great.


      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #8   zenvelo

    Why does the second note writer call the person who stole his kids “pumpkin”? are they friends? or is that just one of those Brit nicknames?

    Oct 28, 2010 at 3:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #9   bored@work

    Whoever stole our kid’s pumpkin we hope it chokes you, Sarah, Kevin, and the children.
    Man, talk about vindictive.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 3:04 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   jmc72

      We worked hard to grow our pumpkin patch, we only have a small community park and local kids as young as 4 spent the summer watering and caring for our pumpkins. Sarah, Kevin to mention just a few are volunteers. We were all rightly pissed off. So in the good old British charming way of doing things…..we really do hope it CHOKES YOU!

      Nov 3, 2010 at 3:15 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   jihn

      i like this, a sad bunch you lot over the water in the good ol’ us of a really are lmfao

      Nov 10, 2010 at 10:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    The second message was certainly posted in the right place.

    Everyone knows poets are notorious pumpkin snatchers. They hate them because it’s so hard to rhyme “orange”, and pumpkins seem to mock them.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 3:24 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

  • #11   Nightfire bang

    @Note Writer 2: So you are admitting to utilizing child labor to mass produce pumpkins.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 4:03 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #12   shwonline bang

    Notewriter 1: They did not steal your pumpkin. They moved it to the street and deconstructed it. Damn performance artists.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 4:22 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Madrias

      I’ve done that before. It’s particularly fun to throw it really high and run, cause then it has the chance of making an awesome mess.

      Granted, eggs are so much more fun, and rotten ones even more so.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Mo® bang

    They took her twin sister Joy too?
    The ANIMALS!

    Oct 28, 2010 at 4:41 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #14   berge bang

    “We hope it chokes you”

    Anyone else picturing an evil little pumpkin with arms and legs strangling the thief?

    Oct 28, 2010 at 4:47 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   anglophile bang

      well I am now!

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:36 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   jmc72

      That’s brilliant !

      Nov 3, 2010 at 3:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   Odious

    Does #1 seriously think the teens are going to return to this doorstep just in case there’s a note to read?

    Oct 28, 2010 at 5:38 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #16   Victoria

    I feel for these people. Last year our pumpkins were stolen from our allotment, and it still hurts.
    I felt like distributing PANs around the area.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 5:56 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Spoo

      Yes, I feel for them too. It must be terribly terribly painful to have bought a momma pumpkin and a daddy pumpkin and a baby pumpkin and to get your 4 year old all amped up about carving them all at the same time, but somebody stole ONE pumpkin out of the three so now all joy must DIE and the planet must come to a sad bitter end, alas.

      God forbid that you should explain that one pumpkin ran away to join the circus or something and then carry on carving the other two. NO, you simply must become a huge MARTYR for the rest of your life and we are all going to DIE!

      Martyrs, I hates them.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 7:45 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

  • #17   cuffed

    I think they have a point. And all of you previous and subsequent posters who’ll tell me I shouldn’t be in the wrong part of town at 4 A.M. in a skimpy dress and I’m asking for it are invited to stand that evidence up in court. You guys are part of the problem. Please feel free to post this on passive aggressive notes as an example of how the passive aggressive notes comment crowd miss out the passive and just turn everything to an ‘asked and received’ situation.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Canthz_B bang

      What color dress?

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:02 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      Heels, or flats?

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:19 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   Canthz_B bang

      And where do you park your car, because you obviously leave it unlocked with the keys in the ignition. ;-)

      No one is saying people should steal, just that people do and will steal.
      A little due diligence is sometimes called for.

      Oh, and if you KNOW it’s the “wrong part of town”, then yes…you’re asking for it. Whether you deserve it or not is another question entirely. ;-)

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:22 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #17.4   shwonline bang

      Are you carrying a pumpkin while walking through the wrong part of town?

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:25 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #17.5   Canthz_B bang

      Well, we know she’s already cuffed! :-P

      Oct 28, 2010 at 6:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.6   infanttyrone

      Didn’t AAA come out with an ultra-premium membership package with a map that clearly highlights the right and the wrong parts of town ?
      You just “flash your credentials” at the front desk and Ask for It.

      Some maps lead you to a bull ring where you can ponder the similarity of a doomed bull to the wrong part of town and the red cape to a skimpy dress.

      Does the fact that the matador does not want to be gored
      make him (or her) any less of a defiant, self-absorbed gambler ?

      In case you deny the analogy’s aptness, Mirale !

      Oct 28, 2010 at 8:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.7   park rose

      Shwonline, maybe a pumpkin is carrying her. Cinderella gets around, you know. And in answer to 17.2, CB, glass, flat, slipper.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 9:37 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #17.8   Arrrrrrrg bang

      She was probably smashed.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:34 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.9   Badchicn

      I don’t know about everyone else, but I am kind of aroused. She is all dressed up in the wrong part of town. MMMMMMM…She’s just asking for it! (Did I type this out loud?)

      Oct 29, 2010 at 11:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.10   Adam bang

      Every post on this thread is dumb.

      (No one is EVER asking for it, EVER. Prudence should be used, of course, and things could be avoided, but the victim of sexual assault is never to share in the blame. Don’t MAKE me start an extraordinarily long feminist rant. However. Its a pumpkin, not a woman. The comparison between pumpkin theft and rape is a little extreme.)

      ((You all suck for making me break character))

      Oct 29, 2010 at 1:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.11   Ndawg

      So this would be the wrong time to point out that the pumpkin, while it may not have been a whore, WAS wearing a whore’s uniform?

      Oct 29, 2010 at 1:27 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #17.12   Arrrrrrrg bang

      What the fuck are you talking about? The Pumpkin whore is not the issue here, Dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, Whore Pumpkin is not the preferred nomenclature. Sexually active Pumpkin-American, please.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 1:55 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #17.13   Call me Gaga bang

      Did someone call me? Oh. Pumpkin-American? Never mind.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 3:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.14   lollypop lady bang

      Let’s do the tagine together, Arrrrrrg! Sorry about the breaking character, Adam ;)

      Oct 29, 2010 at 3:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.15   GracieD bang

      I thought the pumpkin was nekkid….maybe that is why it was asking for it?? And what about leaving a whole family naked out on the porch?On a cold night? In a bad neighborhood???
      I think they should be arrested for Pumpkin Abuse and all their pumpkins should be taken away.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 6:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.16   Hear Me Roar

      Rape to pumpkin theft is a stupid analogy.

      Think more in terms of Pumpkins to Christmas trees.

      Would you put your Christmas tree with all the presents under it on the front porch and be surprised when gifts turned up missing?

      The very reason the pumpkins were left out is because they had such little value attached to them that no one felt the need to lock them inside, so why ascribe inestimable value to them after the fact?

      Oct 30, 2010 at 5:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Would an Amber Alert be appropriate for a missing little nearly-ripe pumpkin?
    You’d think so, but the police refused to issue one.
    Cops can be so insensitive to the needs of the nonhuman.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 6:40 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   bored@work

      Probably a threat level of orange would be more apt.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 7:32 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #19   thrall bang


    Oct 28, 2010 at 7:06 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Arrrrrrrg bang

      They are out of their gourd if they think the smashers will rue the day they smashed baby.

      Nobody smashes baby on the corner!

      Oct 29, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Lidda

      In Soviet Russia, pumpkins smash you.

      Sorry. Had to.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   *snerk*

      We need to squash this right now.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 7:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   Madrias

      We need to stomp it.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 8:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.5   wright1

      Yeah, it’s pretty flat at this point. Spread out; let’s see if we can scrape up something new.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 9:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   se

    Free the pumpkin!!!

    Oct 28, 2010 at 8:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   infanttyrone

      Liberate the family of Thomas Newcomen ?
      Watt’s there to get all steamed-up over ?

      Oct 28, 2010 at 8:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   Arrrrrrrg bang

      The PLO?

      Pumpkin Liberation Organization

      Oct 29, 2010 at 9:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    Generalissimo Francisco Pumpkin is still dead!

    Oct 28, 2010 at 8:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   KG

    People who smash pumpkins they find on doorsteps are fucking douchebags, simply put. They’re not making innocent mischief. Adults typically don’t carve pumpkins and decorate with them for the hell of it – it’s usually because they have a child who enjoys Halloween. So no – stealing a child’s pumpkin and smashing it because you’re a screwed up little hoodlum isn’t cool. It’s stupid. “Oooh yay hahaha I just caused a total stranger undeserved sadness ahaha I’m so awesome!” Lame. And people who take the “well don’t leave your pumpkins out” route can suck a fat one. I hope some teenager randomly decides to smash your car windows in with a bat “just for fun”. Guess that’s what you get for owning a car, huh?

    Oct 28, 2010 at 9:12 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Archbishop of Candyland bang

      Darest thou insinuate that though I am past the age of majority I should not carve large gourds to fill my lonely, child-barren hours? I would be remiss in my duties as a creepy neighbor if I failed to over decorate at Halloween, thereby missing an opportunity to lure girl scouts.

      As for my car, go ahead and smash the windows. I have a $0.00 comprehensive deductible and a gun. It was a gift. My agent loves me.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 9:26 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   anglophile bang

      Of course, pumpkin smashers are douches. So are parents who teach their children that when misfortune befalls them, the correct response is to whine about it publicly.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 9:35 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #22.3   Canthz_B bang

      Chill out and take your meds. Vandalizing a car carries a much higher legal penalty than stealing a pumpkin for a good reason. :-)

      Oct 28, 2010 at 9:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.4   TippingCows

      I think the funny part is that the parent takes it personally, as though someone was doing it JUST to slight their sweet little mini-them (which of course they internalize because they’re probably living just a tad vicariously through their children). I don’t understand what the big deal is. Shit happens, then you die.
      Just get another pumpkin and move on.

      Oct 28, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #22.5   Madrias

      Teenagers smash pumpkins out of boredom. They’re too old to trick-or-treat, but the parents want them out of the house. It’s always better to have a pumpkin smashed, than to have your property rotten-egged.

      As for taking it personally that someone busted up a pumpkin, think of what’ll happen to it after halloween: you’ll throw it out and the garbage guy squishes it, or it’ll rot and your neighbor will put a firework in it and blow it apart.

      Also, if you’re rich enough to do more than give out candy, as you obviously are, then you can afford another pumpkin, and this time, dammit, keep it inside.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.6   bored@work

      Anyone ever hear the phrase “Trick or Treat”? Obviously, someone decided on the first option. Ghost, goblins and things that go bump in the night. The ‘bump’ was that pumpkin hitting the road. The spirit of Halloween is shenanigans. Laying waste to a few vegetables might indeed make you a (pick your expletive). But, isn’t Halloween the time of year that calls for such activity?

      Oct 29, 2010 at 7:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.7   Arrrrrrrg bang

      I like Halloween because girls dress like whorish wenches. I could care less about pureed pumpkins.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 9:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.8   Call me Gaga bang

      Every Halloween costume for a woman is a slut costume. There’s Nurse Slut, Doctor Slut, Soldier Slut, Princess Slut, Vampire Slut. Yeah. Nice.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:04 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #22.9   Archbishop of Candyland bang

      This Slut trend in costuming is creating a difficulty for me. People keep trying raid my closet as if it’s some sort of giant costumery.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.10   Call me Gaga bang

      No shit. My meat dress is in high demand. I keep telling people, just go buy a couple pounds of bacon.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.11   Arrrrrrrg bang

      You could come as a cupcake and I will ice you.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.12   Call me Gaga bang

      Now THAT sounds like fun.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.13   KarenW

      Who would argue that the pumpkin thieves aren’t douchebags? But once you know these creeps are out there, what would be the best prevention against another stolen pumpkin? A. Keeping the pumpkins hidden, or B. Putting up note hoping to shame the thieves into seeing the error of their ways. Gee, I’d go with A. Notice that they STILL have the other two pumpkins on the porch!! Why not put their wallets out there too, with a note asking to please not steal all of their money.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.14   Canthz_B bang

      Stealing pumpkins equated to smashing car windows? Really?
      One is Petty Theft, the other is Felony Destruction of Property.

      Guess why they call it “Petty Theft”…to differentiate it from something which causes substantial and meaningful financial (and I’d add emotional) harm.

      At least for those of us wrapped tight enough to appreciate elementary distinctions between such things. ;-)

      Oct 30, 2010 at 2:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #23   aaa bang

    Note Writer #1, you have more serious problems than people vandalizing your Halloween decorations if your happiness depends on your squash being intact.

    Oct 28, 2010 at 10:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #24   Madrias

    Simple answer: pumpkins are the perfect target for teenage vandals.

    Long answer:
    Be glad they just smashed one. If I’d done it, there’d be 3 smashed pumpkins, egged house, and TP in your tree. Count your blessings that all they did was smash a pumpkin and teach your precious little shit that they’re not the center of the universe, but instead that they live on a planet of idiots. In fact, make them clean it up: after all, if they’re crying that their pumpkin got smashed, then make them clean up their mess.

    See, a smashed pumpkin is common if you’re stupid enough to front-porch it before, during, or after Halloween.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 12:11 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Noelegy

      Precious little shits who think they’re the center of the universe grow up to be teenagers who smash pumpkins. Paying it forward. It’s the circle of life. Or something.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:30 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #24.2   Madrias

      Exactly. They grow up, smash someone else’s pumpkin for someone else’s precious little shit, and the cycle repeats, all cause the kid wants to get back at whoever smashed the pumpkin, rather than the parent actually doing something about it, such as, say, telling them to suck it up and deal with it, it’s a freaking pumpkin.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.3   Canthz_B bang

      Vine grown Halloween pumpkins are the main reason for saving a few Fourth of July M-80s.

      Haven’t these people ever seen “The Graduate”? The future is in Plastics!!

      Oct 30, 2010 at 1:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Chester A. Arthur VIII

    On #1:

    Stealing pumpkins is only a douche-box move if you’re over 20 years old. Otherwise, it’s acceptable as part of normal teenage mischief and it happens throughout the U.S. It looks like the parents didn’t learn their lesson: the “survivors” are still outside. If the thief sees that sign… I’ll let you imagine how that scenario would play out.

    I was going to say that the parents are just mad because they’ve misplaced their silver spoons and have been quite anal ever since.

    In reality, they are pissed because having kids has gone out of fashion (pets are the new black), and the statute of limitations on termination has expired in their state.

    I do, however, believe that the parents are making every attempt to make this child become as narcissistic and bitter as possible out of spite.

    FTW, you jumped on the wrong bandwagon.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 12:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   FeRD bang

      OK, so pets are the new black. But who’re the new asians? Do we get new asians?

      Oct 30, 2010 at 9:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   WMDKitty

    Jeebus H. Christ, people, it’s JUST A PUMPKIN! Buy another one and get the fuck over it, already.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 2:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Canthz_B bang

      Not only is it just a pumpkin, it’s Halloween. You know, the one time of year that mischievousness is not only expected, but tolerated (as long as no one is put in harms way).
      Maybe a little understanding of the holiday would help these parents know what they should expect during the celebrating of it.

      Sure it sucks to have your car windows soaped, but it’s soap…it washes away (and washes your car if you work it in the right frame of mind).

      Who flew the broomstick up some of these folks asses? Have they forgotten childhood? Or is this what tattletales grow up to become?

      Oct 30, 2010 at 1:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #27   matt

    If I was the pumkin stealer, I think I would have choked on the spot anyway in reaction to the color of the paint on the wall. It makes me want to dry heave.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 4:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #28   anglophile bang

    Pumpkin Stealer #1 is just extremely safety-conscious. No one wants to see a four-year-old with a sharp knife in hand. Now said four-year-old can help carve the pumpkins the rational way: help design the face, have mom and dad do the work with the sharp implements and make a huge mess scooping the innards out. Were these parents thinking of letting the kid lit the candle, too?

    Oct 29, 2010 at 6:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   matt

      How are these kids going to learn the knife skills necessary to survive in this harsh and cruel world if their parents insist on pumpkin knife safety? Halloween is just the occasion needed to develope these kids’ skills and top up numbers in the local street gangs.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 7:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #29   Kevin

    When I was a kid, my dad would chain our German shepherd to the front porch to protect the jack-o-lanterns on Halloween. While neighbors’ pumpkins were smashed in the street by morning, we never had a pumpkin stolen.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 8:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Madrias

      I developed a tactic to being able to smash the pumpkin from a neighbor that did the same thing. Toss some food over to one side, run up, grab the pumpkin, run back and destroy it.

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   Canthz_B bang

      I always thought the smashing in the streets of the jack-o-lanterns at the end of the night (or by morning, certainly) was an expected service rendered by the youth of the community to our elders..
      What were these people going to do?…Light them night after night until they’d liquefied on their front porches? Surely not eat them after they’d sat out all night.
      I suppose one could dip them in lacquer and save them as some bizarre potential gift, but the appropriate occasion for such a gift escapes me for the moment, hopefully forever.

      Just as carving pumpkins is an activity parents look forward to sharing with their children, their children look forward to the day they can be like the older kids and smash carved pumpkins. Remember that the monsters who smashed your kid’s pumpkin were once 4-year olds whose pumpkins were smashed, rent your kids The Lion King, and be sure to explain the Circle of Life.

      Oct 30, 2010 at 2:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.3   Clumber

      Kevin – wow, awesome idea… I bet that takes care of the little beggers on the porch as well! Screw the porchlight – sic’ ‘em, * River!

      *River was our Shepherd we lost last year at about 13 years old. He’d have handed the candy out himself to the little kids and sat on any evil-doers until we freed them. Great dog. Miss him.

      Nov 1, 2010 at 8:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   allison in houston

    1) Buy another pumpkin for the kid. Explain that there are bad people in the world, and someday the guy that stole the pumpkin and smashed it will pay. (I know better, but it will be soothing to the kid, who is, after all, 4).
    2) My kid, at any age, thinking it’s OK to steal and destroy someone else’s property just because it’s Halloween, is a much bigger problem. Is it by inference ok to then torture a black cat on Halloween? It’s “just” a prank, right?
    3) This is Texas. You kid could get SHOT for being on someone’s porch and taking something. It’s happened. Do you want your kid to get shot over a pumpkin? No? Teach them not to steal.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 8:48 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Arrrrrrrg bang

      This. Is. Teeeexxxxaaaaasss!

      Oct 29, 2010 at 10:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   Canthz_B bang




      but your honor, i didn’t know that kid was coming to tell me i’d left my headlights on when i killed him…i thought he was after my kid’s pumpkin!

      Seems like Texas is becoming a good argument for gun control without even trying.

      Oct 30, 2010 at 1:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #31   divaandwriter bang

    To Note Writer No. 2:

    What kind of mutant monster pumpkins does your family grow, that are capable of choking a fully-grown human?

    Oct 29, 2010 at 9:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #32   GhostWriter bang

    The travesty here is not the broken pumpkin, nor the sheltered 4-year-old, nor the outraged parents.

    The travesty here is furthering the belief that pumpkins have families, and that Mommy and Daddy pumpkins raise baby pumpkins. You know how some vegans “…never eat anything with a face”? Well, now you can nix pumpkin pies for holiday meals.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 9:35 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #33   raychel

    Pumkins are $5.99 at Safeway. I’ll give this woman $6.00 if she will shut her gob!

    Oct 29, 2010 at 10:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #34   Noelegy

    That’s OK, whoever smashed and stole the pumpkins was once someone’s darling child, too.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 10:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Madrias

      Too true. They feed the cycle. “Hey, someone smashed my pumpkin when I was little, I’m gonna see what it’s all about” Smash! “That was fun!”

      Oct 29, 2010 at 12:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #35   Noelegy

    Speaking of worse things that could happen, I must remember to ask my neighbor next door to keep her adorable and very friendly black cat indoors over the weekend. :(

    Oct 29, 2010 at 10:32 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #36   Chester A. Arthur VIII

    I feel bad for the poor soul named Sarah Kevin. Way to give your kid a head start on gender confusion, mum and dad.

    Oct 29, 2010 at 9:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #37   Canthz_B bang

    Ok, I’ve had a little time to think about why this one bothered me so much.

    If these people invested time making their child think of the intact pumpkins as a fully functioning family, how were they going to explain cutting their heads open, scooping out their guts and surgically cutting faces into them?

    How were they going to explain the disposal of this wonderful little family?

    Surely, they didn’t plan to lie to their tot, at least not to continue to lie, right? Because liars are just as bad as thieves in my book.

    Beyond that all I can say is…These people are out of their gourds!

    Oct 30, 2010 at 1:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #38   Hear Me Roar

    They can have the pumpkins but if they egg my car this year there will be hell to pay!

    Oct 30, 2010 at 2:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #39   Hellbound Alleee

    When you say it like that, why it sounds so boastful and proud to claim that no “higher beings” exist, than humans. Proud indeed.

    Uh…however, being an ex, I can say you’ve got it backwards. When I was a churchgoer, we believed that humans were the highest natural beings. We had a real hierarchy that was put down by Paul himself. The daughters, the sons, the wife , the husband, the church, Jesus and God. In that order. Now as an atheist, I don’t quite know what anyone means by “a higher being.” High how? There’s no hierarchy to life. Surely there are bigger creatures, and creatures that may surely take man down one day. There’s also a predator/prey list. But higher? Means nothing to me.

    Oct 30, 2010 at 9:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #40   Hmm

    Sure, I could put my pumpkins on the back porch or inside. It irks the hell out of me that we must take extra precautions because of the 1% of idiots out there. I say get rid of the 1% — we could consider it our own form of “natural selection.”

    Oct 30, 2010 at 6:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Canthz_B bang

      Because extra precautions are a bad thing, so why look both ways when crossing the street when you have the right of way? Just step on out there, trusting that 99% of drivers will see you.
      Leave your car running with the doors open when you go into a store, trusting that 99% of people will not steal it.
      Write your ATM card number and PIN Number next to the ATM, trusting that 99% of the public won’t be on-line buying goods the very same night.

      My vote for “natural selection” is to weed out fools and easy marks, not thieves.
      Get rid of the fools and easy marks, and there will be fewer thieves.

      Team “Thin the Herd”.

      Nov 1, 2010 at 1:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #41   Damazon

    Did anyone else read the second note’s header as Poet Scorner?

    I instantaneously felt bad for poets. You should watch out for the Poet Scorner, who may just laugh at your facination of your own emotions that you’ve put to paper…

    Nov 4, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #42   pony girl

    RE: Note #1 -

    Way to let people know you’ve got a 4 year old daughter waiting to be kidnapped.
    Maybe next time you can post your schedule and a map of the house with her bedroom circled in red ink.

    Nov 7, 2010 at 3:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up


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