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Please, contain your excitement.

November 2nd, 2010 · 78 comments

“My office just got a new style of paper which has caused quite the stir,” says our submitter in Seattle. “It’s made from forested trees, or something like that, so obviously we can’t wait to use it.”

FILED UNDER: blitzkrieg approach · meta · Seattle · smartass

78 responses so far ↓

#1 Someone

Shouldn’t it be “used” ?

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm rating: 21

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- #1.1 Ed Depaine
  
  Like your mom?
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 1:36 pm rating: 53
- #1.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  No, that’s RB’s mom.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 7:54 am rating: 4
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#2 alice

Someone really has way too much time on their hands…

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:28 pm rating: 3

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#3 Woman on the Verge

But… what paper should we use first?

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm rating: 21

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- #3.1 Madrias
  
  All of it. Let’s make a bunch of paper planes and throw them at people.
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 11:34 pm rating: 1
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#4 scaarykitty

Think the idea is that it’s the “please use up the paper printing bajillions of inane signs” sign that’s more PA-like.

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:32 pm rating: 0

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#5 Mo®

Paper airplane fight?

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:35 pm rating: 3

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- #5.1 Canthz_B
  
  Paper airplane fight between offices in Seattle?
  Let the games begin, my bet is on Boeing!
  
  Too bad there will probably be a rain-out.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 1:07 am rating: 5
- #5.2 Divvitar
  
  It doesn’t rain as much as you think in Seattle. They advertise the rain to keep tourists and Californians out. The latter seem to stick around.
  
  Nov 5, 2010 at 12:52 am rating: 0
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#6 The Elf

Somewhere, Al Gore is crying.

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:40 pm rating: 15

reply to this comment
- #6.1 Mo®
  
  I look at you all see the tree there that’s sleeping
  While my Al Gore gently weeps
  I look at you all
  Still my Al Gore gently weeps
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 2:00 pm rating: 25
- #6.2 Wordtinker doesnt smith
  
  I don’t know why nobody told you
  which paper to use love
  I don’t know how someone controlled reams
  they bought and sold reams
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 11:07 pm rating: 5
- #6.3 Noelegy
  
  While his car idles for an hour while he’s giving a speech.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 3:29 pm rating: 3
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#7 Heloise

You don’t want that old paper to sit on the shelf and spoil, after all.

Nov 2, 2010 at 1:41 pm rating: 29

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- #7.1 jadefirefly
  
  There are paper-starved kids in Africa! Now finish your paper before it spoils!
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 1:45 pm rating: 26
- #7.2 berge
  
  If the paper goes too long after its expiration date, the copier gets the runs – paper everywhere; it gets ugly.
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 2:42 pm rating: 37
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#8 farcical aquatic ceremony

I’m so sad for the submitter & his/her office, that THEY CAN’T WAIT to use the new variety of printer paper, oy.

Nov 2, 2010 at 2:50 pm rating: 16

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- #8.1 Pterosaur
  
  You should’ve been there the day that they first got colored ink. It was a hootenanny!
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 4:10 pm rating: 19
- #8.2 shwonline
  
  We don’t say “colored” any more, dear. It’s “black” ink. Wait, that can’t be right…
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 5:57 pm rating: 55
- #8.3 Canthz_B
  
  There’s colored ink now? Damn, I just got used to using the nice water cooler, now this?
  
  I hate this office job! I’m going back to being my own boss…shining shoes!!
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 12:41 am rating: 9
- #8.4 Canthz_B
  
  move along. gigglebrax fail. nothing to see here, folks.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 12:58 am rating: 1
- #8.5 matt
  
  I believe the most pc term for black ink would be something like: spectrally challenged dyeing fluid
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 2:03 am rating: 15
- #8.6 Canthz_B
  
  True. Technically, “white” light includes all colors of the rainbow, so “white” is the real “colored”.
  
  Roy G. Biv is my new hero!
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 3:08 am rating: 7
- #8.7 Noelegy
  
  Thank you, that always bugged me! White isn’t the lack of color; white is all colors at once!
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 3:30 pm rating: 2
- #8.8 Mark
  
  White is all the colors for subtractive color systems (i.e. electromagnetic waves).
  
  For additive color systems (i.e. paint, ink), black is all the colors. Well, actually kind of a muddy brown.
  
  Edit: Oops, you’re right, shwonline. +=-. ↓
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 4:26 pm rating: 0
- #8.9 shwonline
  
  I’m not sure I agree with you a hundred percent on your dictionary work, there, Mark. Paint and ink = subtractive (they absorb/take away wavelengths). Light and such = additive.
  
  The more you know…
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm rating: 1
- #8.10 Canthz_B
  
  Moot point. I called my kindergarten teacher “white” once (c. 1966). She placed a sheet of white paper next to her arm, and asked me if they were the same color. I had to answer “no”, but the bitch’s arm was damned close in color to the page.
  Suffice it to say she could have used a little sun! Hahahaha!
  
  Nov 22, 2010 at 3:22 am rating: 1
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#9 DecaturPen

And where is the old Office Depot paper, obviously, not stacked on top of the new paper…

Nov 2, 2010 at 3:42 pm rating: 9

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- #9.1 Canthz_B
  
  Of course they can’t stack the new paper on top of the Office Depot paper. That could result in biracial legal pads…they always come out yellow, by the way.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 12:44 am rating: 7
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#10 thrall

No control freakery here. Nothing to see…

Nov 2, 2010 at 4:00 pm rating: 5

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#11 thrall

These are not the droids you are looking for.

Nov 2, 2010 at 4:01 pm rating: 12

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- #11.1 Madrias
  
  Jedi mind tricks don’t work on me.
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 11:36 pm rating: 4
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#12 Rachel

We just got this type of paper at work. It’s awesome! I can understand why people want to use it first.

Nov 2, 2010 at 4:41 pm rating: 3

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- #12.1 Woman on the Verge
  
  Seriously? Wow. I’m so sorry.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 7:56 am rating: 15
- #12.2 clumber
  
  ♥ WotV ♥
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 3:43 pm rating: 0
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#13 DecaturPen

if one wants the old paper used first, stack it on top of the new paper.

Nov 2, 2010 at 4:56 pm rating: 7

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- #13.1 The Elf
  
  See, there you go using common sense, reasonableness, and logic. We reject all that stuff around here.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 9:03 am rating: 7
- #13.2 Divvitar
  
  Oh, you’re a Republican! I get it now!
  
  Nov 5, 2010 at 12:55 am rating: 3
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#14 pony girl

This is obviously not an advertising office. Of course people don’t want to use the old paper. But they will certainly fall all over themselves to use the rare or limited edition Office Depot paper.

Nov 2, 2010 at 4:57 pm rating: 33

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- #14.1 Zsa
  
  In my office they would just hide the new paper until the Office Depot crap was gone, forget they already have an order of paper hidden and purchase MORE of the “less trees used to produce” paper. We are green like that, yo.
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 7:15 pm rating: 23
- #14.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  pony girl, I love you.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 7:57 am rating: 3
- #14.3 pony girl
  
  @ WotV,
  
  *blush*
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 8:08 am rating: 2
- #14.4 The Elf
  
  I’m sure there’s a fetish for that. Claw?
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 11:01 am rating: 0
- #14.5 clumber
  
  Can i be the Sarge @ Arms for the PG FanClub? I need to find a good legal use for this cat o’ nine tails…
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 3:45 pm rating: 1
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#15 goose

“PS – Please use it mostly for printing signs about which paper to use first.”

And printing signs about signs about signs about which paper to use first.

Nov 2, 2010 at 7:11 pm rating: 7

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#16 Talia

Bring back the mimeograph!

Nov 2, 2010 at 8:20 pm rating: 3

reply to this comment
- #16.1 Kimmypie
  
  Ooohhh
  Remember how the mimeographed pages smelled? lol
  
  Nov 2, 2010 at 9:43 pm rating: 10
- #16.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  Like banana candy….
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 7:58 am rating: 5
- #16.3 The Elf
  
  It always smelled more like cucumber to me.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 9:06 am rating: 2
- #16.4 park rose
  
  Team Banana Candy – or banana lollies in the Australian parlance. Spellcheck doesn’t like that word.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 1:18 pm rating: 2
- #16.5 pony girl
  
  I was sitting here smelling the mimeograph sheets in my head, yum. i used to love how the paper felt, as well.
  It did smell like banana candy, I never really noticed that before.
  If I were a millionaire, I would buy a mimeograph machine.
  I have a weird thing for old office machines, actually.
  Just thought I’d share.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 5:00 pm rating: 2
- #16.6 bored@work
  
  @pg – shouldn’t that be ‘rare’ or ‘limited edition’ office machines
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 6:00 pm rating: 2
- #16.7 Canthz_B
  
  Mmm, fresh mimeograph paper! When it’s still cold and damp and marvelously fragrant!!
  
  Smells like learnin’ to me. They ought to bring that stuff back. You can learn a lot with a little bit of an ink buzz on.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 10:52 pm rating: 3
- #16.8 goose
  
  As I recall, they smelled fucking delicious.
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 12:50 am rating: 0
- #16.9 TippingCows
  
  How sad that I remember this. Cold and sweet smelling like the back of my 1st grade teacher’s neck. Um …
  
  Banana candy? I never smelled banana, but it was definitely sweet and inviting like my fifth grade teacher’s perfume.
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 1:38 am rating: 1
- #16.10 grevillea
  
  Was that that horrible rough paper with blurry purple text? That smell was methylated spirits.
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 2:20 am rating: 1
- #16.11 The Elf
  
  Mmmmm….. methylated spirits……
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 7:03 am rating: 3
- #16.12 clumber
  
  15.4 – PR, which word? Australian?
  
  heh heh heh
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 3:47 pm rating: 0
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#17 thursdaynext

What tickled me is that the signs are printed on different paper, so someone here is being naughty…

Nov 2, 2010 at 10:37 pm rating: 4

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- #17.1 AlyssaMBB
  
  I was starting to think I was the only one who noticed that.
  
  Nov 5, 2010 at 10:44 am rating: 0
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#18 Canthz_B

This sign won’t work.
The last one didn’t either.
There’s still a huge amount of papyrus in the storeroom that hasn’t been touched in ages.

Nov 3, 2010 at 12:47 am rating: 17

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#19 Canthz_B

I think management is missing an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.
They should use the old stock to paper over the whole issue.
Goodness knows management is great at papering over issues.

Nov 3, 2010 at 1:00 am rating: 2

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#20 Odious

Team new paper. Old paper smells funny, has an aftertaste and you to have to watch its cholesterol. You can always tell when you’re behind that O.D. Paper (in my office we call it “Old Dirty” Paper to much hilarity) in the copier line: moving too slow, suddenly printing in another lane without warning, seatbelt hanging out of the package.

Nov 3, 2010 at 6:06 am rating: 6

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#21 Woman on the Verge

I bet that “Old Office Depot Paper” is going to need therapy after this is all over.

Nov 3, 2010 at 8:00 am rating: 3

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#22 divaandwriter

It is a sad state of office affairs when people get excited over paper.

Nov 3, 2010 at 9:12 am rating: 2

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- #22.1 pony girl
  
  Yes, and it makes the paper all sticky, too.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 5:28 pm rating: 6
- #22.2 divaandwriter
  
  Pwah! Good one!
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 9:16 am rating: 0
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#23 ashmeadow

When I was a kid I used to eat paper. And you know, it was never quite as delicious as fucking.

I tried to deconstruct it, WotV, before someone was totally unoriginal.

Nov 3, 2010 at 10:27 am rating: 12

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- #23.1 Woman on the Verge
  
  ashmeadow, I applaud your effort and find the result amazingly pleasing.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 10:36 am rating: 6
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#24 Savannah

Wow. They tease me at work because I put all our supplies in a locked cabinet. I am quite controlling, but I couldn’t care less what paper people use as long as they leave me alone.

Nov 3, 2010 at 2:59 pm rating: 7

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- #24.1 pony girl
  
  Thumb up for using couldn’t care less instead of *shudder* could care less.
  
  Nov 3, 2010 at 5:31 pm rating: 10
- #24.2 clumber
  
  ♥♥♥♥♥♥ !!!!!! ♥♥♥♥♥
  
  A bazillion thumbs for using that phrase correctly. If I could give a right uppercut to everyone who uses it incorrectly…. well my hand would probably be broken. “could care less” puts me dangerously close to the nearest clock tower. Right up there with “autopsy” when referring to non-humans and “disorientated”. Wow… I just ticked myself off.
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 3:56 pm rating: 3
- #24.3 Savannah
  
  Yeah, it’s a pet peeve of mine, too.
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 4:01 pm rating: 2
- #24.4 goose
  
  I use ‘could care less’ quite often, but I do actually mean that I could care less. Eg when my dog died.
  
  It does tend to get misinterpreted a bit though which can be a little awkward. Eg when my grandma died.
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 8:10 pm rating: 0
- #24.5 pony girl
  
  Silly goose.
  
  ps – Who or what is Eg?
  
  Nov 4, 2010 at 9:13 pm rating: 0
- #24.6 goose
  
  Your mom is an Eg.
  
  WTF is a ps?
  
  Nov 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm rating: 1
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#25 bob loblaw

The note before this one was from the worldwide CEO thanking Wendy Waters of the accounting department for finding a new paper supplier and saving the company countless zillions of $$.

Much eye rolling from the rest of the company who were simply trying to do their jobs and not get shit canned.

PS. email from CEO sent on a saturday so we could all see how hard he was working.

Nov 3, 2010 at 8:02 pm rating: 1

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