Please take me at my word that I’ve been working out lately

November 10th, 2010 · 49 comments

Our anonymous submitter didn’t catch the original note about “slaming [sic] the door,” but you can get a pretty good idea of what it said based on the carefully worded response from the recipient, John (who, like Dustin, simply isn’t aware of his own strength at times).

Dear Sir or Madam: Hello. Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I would like to offer you my most profound apologies for having slammed the door last night. I have to tell you that I honestly wasn't aware that I do this; I always thought that I used a normal amount of force when closing the door, although I have been working out lately. Please take me at my word when I now say that I will be more conscious of my door closing from here forward. However, in the event that you do have more problems with me, I would greatly appreciate it if you were to approach me directly, rather that resort to another hasty and quite confrontational handwritten note that, to be quite frank, had all the potential to be taken as offensive. I am sure that you will understand where I am coming from. Once again, thank you for your correspondence and I appreciate your anticipated co-operation. Most sincerely, John [Redacted] Apt. 108

Meanwhile, this note, as seen by Felix in Atlanta, was clearly left by a neighbor without a law degree.

(I’m guessing a dog; cats are way more passive-aggressive.)

Dear Neighbor, Please, PLEASE stop by and say hello. We can clear this up right away without having to leave sneaky notes. Thanks! I look forward to chatting [Paw print]

related: Door-slamming sign slam

FILED UNDER: Atlanta · Illinois · neighbors · noise · non-apology apology · opening/closing · rebuttals · thanks (but not really)


49 responses so far ↓

  • #1   QuikLives

    Team John. Love the crack about working out (I’m assuming he meant it to be silly/funny)and otherwise think it was a pretty civilized response to an original note that sounds much less reasonable.

    Nov 10, 2010 at 8:12 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   pony girl

    Whatever.
    Just close your door properly.
    Handles aren’t there just to open the door, they are also there for one to hold onto and keep control of the door while closing it, thereby preventing it from slamming shut.
    I HATE door-slammers.

    Nov 10, 2010 at 8:17 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   JetJackson

      Agreed! After all, if they were only meant for opening the door they would only have one handle on the opening side… fools!

      Nov 10, 2010 at 10:12 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Silence

      Thing is, though, we have no proof that our John DID slam the door…only that whoever wrote the original note felt it was loud, which is subjective. Notewriter could merely be angry that the closing of the door interrupted on their spying on the girl next door with a parabolic microphone.

      In the building I live in, unless you take a shit-ton of care and treat your door as though it is made of the finest, handblown Romanian glass, every door sounds like a derailed train when closed. The doors are huge solid wooden slabs, and the walls are hollow shite, so every closing echoes into eternity.

      Team John!

      Nov 11, 2010 at 12:00 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   One side handle

      #JetJackson
      ohmygod!
      I didn’t know that doors can just be opened from one side!!!! That must be the reason why I’m always trapped in every room I enter after slamming the door.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 5:03 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      If you slam the door all the time, it just dilutes the effect when you really MEAN to slam the door in a “I’m so pissed off about something that I am slamming the door instead of killing someone” kind of way.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 10:59 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   SarahWoopWoop bang

      My roommate likes to do this at 4 in the morning (in our dorm room, nonetheless). :(

      Nov 30, 2010 at 10:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    John just hit a grand slam!

    Nov 10, 2010 at 8:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    That’s about the nicest “Next time we can take it outside!” I’ve ever seen.

    Nov 10, 2010 at 8:46 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Sesquipedalian

    An impressive display of self-control in order to command the high ground. Only John’s succumbing to the temptation to [sic.] it to ‘em reveals any sign of his true feeling, and that just adds a nice hint of spicy condescension for us to enjoy. 9.1/10!

    Nov 10, 2010 at 8:58 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Resident Grammarian esq bang

      I think my favourite part of this note was the [sic]. This guy is my hero. You are a harsh grader though, where did he lose those 0.9 points?

      Nov 11, 2010 at 12:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Sesquipedalian

      I’m not harsh, just Canadian. We allocate percentages a little differently up here compared to American standards. 91% means he has just crossed the threshold from the A range into A+ territory.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 12:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Natalie

    John is definitely a lawyer.

    Nov 10, 2010 at 8:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Pterosaur

      A lawyer would never admit to shutting the door. He wouldn’t even admit to living in the building.

      Excellent spelling, self-important wordiness, and semicolon abuse smell like an MBA to me. He’s smart enough to indent a paragraph, dumb enough to admit to slamming, and cocky enough to shirk responsibility in spite of his confession. I’m thinking Vice President of Finance.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Sesquipedalian

      His use of the semicolon is entirely correct.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 9:31 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Mo® bang

      His use of the colon is all wrong some might say.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 1:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   pony girl

      What semicolon?

      Nov 11, 2010 at 4:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   clumber

      Exactly.

      Nov 15, 2010 at 8:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   H bomb

    I watched a film for my linguistics class the other day about American regionalisms, and now I’m picturing this note being read aloud by a Blue Blood Bostonian gentleman of five and seventy.
    “I say, I am terrebleh sorreh for distuhbing you, but I do fancy mhyself quite in shape, rahther. The dickens, let’s be civilized, shahll we?”

    Nov 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   anglophile bang

      I reckon y’all have never been to America, now have you, pardner? Why, it’s as plain as the nose on your face that someone’s been making up some mighty tall tales about how we talk in these here parts.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 7:33 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   *snerk*

      I think I’ve seen that same film. They were showing it when I was in college 15 years ago. Who knows how old it is. That might account for the antique vocabulary you imagine.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 9:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   H bomb

      I just liked John’s use of “rather” and “quite,” and I’m writing a paper on the Brit/Euro origins of various New England accents, so it’s a bit on my mind. Pardon me! I will no longer make jokes. :)

      Nov 11, 2010 at 10:34 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   anglophile bang

      And I, in turn, will no longer take your joke and run with it. ;)

      Nov 11, 2010 at 1:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   allthatglittaz

      “What say you, Lovey mah deah?” Thurston Howell III, Gilligan’s Island

      Nov 11, 2010 at 4:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   Wade bang

      Hwæt! We Gardena in geardagum, þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 7:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   matt

      #7.6 wtf..please explain..

      Nov 13, 2010 at 2:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   anglophile bang

      I’m not sure that would count as an American regional accent, Wade. ;)

      Nov 13, 2010 at 7:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.9   Canthz_B bang

      It sure as heck isn’t a Bahston Brahmin!

      Nov 13, 2010 at 10:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.10   H bomb

      @Matt – It’s the opening lines to Beowulf in Fuþorc.

      “Lo, praise the prowess of people-kings
      of spear-armed Danes, in days long sped
      we have heard, and what honor the athelings (heroes/princes) won!”

      I kind of hate myself for knowing that.

      Nov 13, 2010 at 12:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Boxstacker

    Slamming a door is one thing, but slaming it? That’s inexcusable.

    Nov 10, 2010 at 9:12 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      …maybe the original note never had anything to do with ‘slamming’ the door–the notewriter was going for “shaming the door”, but his disgust caused him to mistype a letter… Sure, John closed the door gently (even with his newly-enlarged arm muscles), but it was the way he inappropriately -ahem – INTERACTED WITH the door that the original notewriter was objecting to.

      Nov 10, 2010 at 9:34 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Peeps2

      +1 for “farcical aquatic ceremony”

      Nov 10, 2010 at 9:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      *Pines for…well, pine.

      Nov 10, 2010 at 10:34 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   park rose bang

      fac, are you implying something about doors and their knobs?

      Nov 11, 2010 at 10:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      I love farcical aquatic ceremony in a shaming kind of way.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 10:57 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   pony girl

      I am so disillusioned.
      Aunt Clara collects all those door knobs. She’s downright obsessed with them.
      All this time I figured she was just a sweet old lady with a strange eccentricity, now I’m thinking she’s rather, um, quite deviant.

      ps – I hope she’ll remember me in her will.

      Nov 11, 2010 at 4:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   JetJackson

    The only thing missing is…

    P.s. As a sign of good faith please accept the following ticket TO THE GUN SHOW!!!!!

    Nov 10, 2010 at 9:48 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Pylgrim

    TL;DR: I’m ripped as hell, other note like that and I’ll be slamming the door against your weakling face.

    Nov 11, 2010 at 2:27 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Pterosaur

    Something tells me that this guy writes a lot of these business professional semi-threatening non-apologies. He even has a letterhead for it.

    Nov 11, 2010 at 7:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   beanster bang

    As an aspiring English teacher, I have printed this letter and saved it in a file of teaching materials; this is the paragon of the formal written letter. Years from now, one of you may receive a letter modeled after this very piece of English literary genius. Remember that when you harangue youths for their various and sundry bad habits.

    Nov 11, 2010 at 7:56 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   divaandwriter bang

    I have never met, or even seen, John, but I think I’m in love. ;)

    Not only does he have great mastery of the English language, including punctuation, he knows just how to lay on a real guilt trip and get under his opponent’s skin while appearing to be a perfect gentleman. I bow to his astonishing manipulative abilities.

    Nov 11, 2010 at 9:22 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   JetJackson

      Pfffft! It’s really about the guns isn’t it!

      Nov 11, 2010 at 5:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Bitter Betty

    Ugh, I always leave notes. Aint nobody want to talk to you directly.

    It’s COMMON SENSE/SELF AWARENESS. How can you not realize you are slamming a door and not put other people into consideration? That’s what I hate the most about living in an apartment complex. People seem to think they’re the only ones living there.

    Nov 11, 2010 at 12:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Non-Mommy

    I absolutely love this blog. Hilarious. I now find myself itching to “zing” people with my own passive-aggressive notes!

    Nov 11, 2010 at 7:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   TAG

    I admit he’s a good writer, but he should’ve used conscientious instead of conscious.

    Also, when paragraphing, don’t you pick either a double space between paragraphs or an indent? Doing both leaves a lot of whitespace and breaks the flow of the letter.

    And what’s with the 5 line sentence in the penultimate paragraph?

    As far as PAN notes go, it’s a 10/10. In the general scheme of things, I’d give it an 8.

    Nov 12, 2010 at 10:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Billy Jean

    That dust that fell off the slamming door was fucking delicious.

    Nov 12, 2010 at 12:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   TippingCows

      That’s a reach of Dr. J proportions.

      Nov 12, 2010 at 9:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   amylouise

    John is my new hero because HE’S BEEN WORKING OUT! GO TEAM JOHN! :)

    Nov 13, 2010 at 9:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   The Chronicles of Insomnia | ||G E M S

    [...] I’ve Been Working Out – A passive aggressive note. Haha this website is really funny, but be careful, some of the posts are inappropriate for the little ones… [...]

    Nov 18, 2010 at 1:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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