Our anonymous submitter didn’t catch the original note about “slaming [sic] the door,” but you can get a pretty good idea of what it said based on the carefully worded response from the recipient, John (who, like Dustin, simply isn’t aware of his own strength at times).
![Dear Sir or Madam: Hello. Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I would like to offer you my most profound apologies for having slammed the door last night. I have to tell you that I honestly wasn't aware that I do this; I always thought that I used a normal amount of force when closing the door, although I have been working out lately. Please take me at my word when I now say that I will be more conscious of my door closing from here forward. However, in the event that you do have more problems with me, I would greatly appreciate it if you were to approach me directly, rather that resort to another hasty and quite confrontational handwritten note that, to be quite frank, had all the potential to be taken as offensive. I am sure that you will understand where I am coming from. Once again, thank you for your correspondence and I appreciate your anticipated co-operation. Most sincerely, John [Redacted] Apt. 108](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4129/5163961619_39af8abcb7_b.jpg "Dear Sir or Madam: Hello. Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I would like to offer you my most profound apologies for having slammed the door last night. I have to tell you that I honestly wasn't aware that I do this; I always thought that I used a normal amount of force when closing the door, although I have been working out lately. Please take me at my word when I now say that I will be more conscious of my door closing from here forward. However, in the event that you do have more problems with me, I would greatly appreciate it if you were to approach me directly, rather that resort to another hasty and quite confrontational handwritten note that, to be quite frank, had all the potential to be taken as offensive. I am sure that you will understand where I am coming from. Once again, thank you for your correspondence and I appreciate your anticipated co-operation. Most sincerely, John [Redacted] Apt. 108")
Meanwhile, this note, as seen by Felix in Atlanta, was clearly left by a neighbor without a law degree.
(I’m guessing a dog; cats are way more passive-aggressive.)
![Dear Neighbor, Please, PLEASE stop by and say hello. We can clear this up right away without having to leave sneaky notes. Thanks! I look forward to chatting [Paw print]](http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2445/3777324196_b43abb47bc.jpg)
related: Door-slamming sign slam
49 responses so far ↓
#1
QuikLives
Team John. Love the crack about working out (I’m assuming he meant it to be silly/funny)and otherwise think it was a pretty civilized response to an original note that sounds much less reasonable.
Nov 10, 2010 at 8:12 pm rating: 48
#2
pony girl
Whatever.
Just close your door properly.
Handles aren’t there just to open the door, they are also there for one to hold onto and keep control of the door while closing it, thereby preventing it from slamming shut.
I HATE door-slammers.
Nov 10, 2010 at 8:17 pm rating: 22
#3
Canthz_B
John just hit a grand slam!
Nov 10, 2010 at 8:29 pm rating: 4
#4
Canthz_B
That’s about the nicest “Next time we can take it outside!” I’ve ever seen.
Nov 10, 2010 at 8:46 pm rating: 37
#5
Sesquipedalian
An impressive display of self-control in order to command the high ground. Only John’s succumbing to the temptation to [sic.] it to ‘em reveals any sign of his true feeling, and that just adds a nice hint of spicy condescension for us to enjoy. 9.1/10!
Nov 10, 2010 at 8:58 pm rating: 42
#6
Natalie
John is definitely a lawyer.
Nov 10, 2010 at 8:59 pm rating: 5
#7
H bomb
I watched a film for my linguistics class the other day about American regionalisms, and now I’m picturing this note being read aloud by a Blue Blood Bostonian gentleman of five and seventy.
“I say, I am terrebleh sorreh for distuhbing you, but I do fancy mhyself quite in shape, rahther. The dickens, let’s be civilized, shahll we?”
Nov 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm rating: 13
#8
Boxstacker
Slamming a door is one thing, but slaming it? That’s inexcusable.
Nov 10, 2010 at 9:12 pm rating: 21
#9
JetJackson
The only thing missing is…
P.s. As a sign of good faith please accept the following ticket TO THE GUN SHOW!!!!!
Nov 10, 2010 at 9:48 pm rating: 46
#10
Pylgrim
TL;DR: I’m ripped as hell, other note like that and I’ll be slamming the door against your weakling face.
Nov 11, 2010 at 2:27 am rating: 4
#11
Pterosaur
Something tells me that this guy writes a lot of these business professional semi-threatening non-apologies. He even has a letterhead for it.
Nov 11, 2010 at 7:55 am rating: 4
#12
beanster
As an aspiring English teacher, I have printed this letter and saved it in a file of teaching materials; this is the paragon of the formal written letter. Years from now, one of you may receive a letter modeled after this very piece of English literary genius. Remember that when you harangue youths for their various and sundry bad habits.
Nov 11, 2010 at 7:56 am rating: 17
#13
divaandwriter
I have never met, or even seen, John, but I think I’m in love.
Not only does he have great mastery of the English language, including punctuation, he knows just how to lay on a real guilt trip and get under his opponent’s skin while appearing to be a perfect gentleman. I bow to his astonishing manipulative abilities.
Nov 11, 2010 at 9:22 am rating: 22
#14
Bitter Betty
Ugh, I always leave notes. Aint nobody want to talk to you directly.
It’s COMMON SENSE/SELF AWARENESS. How can you not realize you are slamming a door and not put other people into consideration? That’s what I hate the most about living in an apartment complex. People seem to think they’re the only ones living there.
Nov 11, 2010 at 12:57 pm rating: 5
#15
Non-Mommy
I absolutely love this blog. Hilarious. I now find myself itching to “zing” people with my own passive-aggressive notes!
Nov 11, 2010 at 7:09 pm rating: 0
#16
TAG
I admit he’s a good writer, but he should’ve used conscientious instead of conscious.
Also, when paragraphing, don’t you pick either a double space between paragraphs or an indent? Doing both leaves a lot of whitespace and breaks the flow of the letter.
And what’s with the 5 line sentence in the penultimate paragraph?
As far as PAN notes go, it’s a 10/10. In the general scheme of things, I’d give it an 8.
Nov 12, 2010 at 10:04 am rating: 0
#17
Billy Jean
That dust that fell off the slamming door was fucking delicious.
Nov 12, 2010 at 12:41 pm rating: 1
#18
amylouise
John is my new hero because HE’S BEEN WORKING OUT! GO TEAM JOHN!
Nov 13, 2010 at 9:36 am rating: 1
#19 The Chronicles of Insomnia | ||G E M S
[...] I’ve Been Working Out – A passive aggressive note. Haha this website is really funny, but be careful, some of the posts are inappropriate for the little ones… [...]
Nov 18, 2010 at 1:08 am rating: 0
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