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Poultry Slam

November 24th, 2010 · 52 comments

When Lola was 7, she says, “Our class assignment was to write a story about our favorite Thanksgiving memories. I wrote this…and then proudly presented it to my Grandmother as a gift.”

A tourkeys ideae of thanksgiving is murder, vialance, and death. Turkeys think of thanksgiving as a war. So keep this in mind, and remember what turkeys think of thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

related: Dear Santa, do you abuse your animals?

FILED UNDER: kids · most popular notes of 2010 · Thanksgiving

52 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    To the victor goes the spoils.

    Please pass the gravy.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:02 pm   rating: 66  small thumbs up

  • #2   shwo! bang

    That’s why kids trace around their hands for Thanksgiving art projects — to draw the chalk outline of a dead turkey.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:09 pm   rating: 132  small thumbs up

  • #3   Wade bang

    “A tourKeys ideae of thanKsgiving is murder, via lance, and death.”

    Nice to see kids these days quoting Chaucer.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:15 pm   rating: 80  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Canthz_B bang

      Must have read some while on vacation in the Bay of Wolf.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 4:21 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Cizzerhand

      I didn’t realize that turkeys were such inept jousters

      Nov 29, 2010 at 10:43 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    So, this year will I be carving, or performing a necropsy?

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:17 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   AuntyBron

      You will be dismembering and committing cannibalism… well, Butterballism.

      Nov 25, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   clumber

      I dump all my week’s worth of thumbs in CB’s basket for properly calling it a necropsy.

      MmMmmm… turkey….

      Nov 30, 2010 at 8:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Canthz_B bang

      clumber, don’t be a jacka–, wait…this is good! :lol:

      Nov 30, 2010 at 8:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   Steph

    Someone liked The Smiths!

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Mo®

      Well her granny does resemble how Morrissey looks today.

      Nov 29, 2010 at 7:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Not all turkeys are warlike, but you have to keep an eye on the young turks.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 4:42 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #7   orionsmark

    I just find it charming that she used the word “via”. Who does that at age 7?

    Nov 24, 2010 at 5:29 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Wade bang

      7 year olds that spell violence “vialance.” ;)

      Still charming, though. :)

      Nov 24, 2010 at 5:32 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   farcical aquatic ceremony

      Yeah, I got there with ya’ Wade, but I had to thumb you orionsmark since I did spend a good 10 seconds thinking the kid was saying the turkey was skewered, i.e., murdered “via lance”. (It’s like I have knights on the brain, or something…)

      Nov 24, 2010 at 5:47 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Alex T. Valencic

      I was wondering if Lance was an older brother, or maybe an uncle, who performed the ritual carving of the turkey.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   FeRD bang

      But do they say… “Ni!” ?

      Nov 24, 2010 at 6:06 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   Divvitar

      @FAC: Turkeys would be severely overmatched in a joust.

      @FeRD: “I will say NI to you again, if you do not appease us!”

      Nov 24, 2010 at 6:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   farcical aquatic ceremony

      You know it! When danger rears its ugly head , Sir Turkey should bravely turn his tail and…um…flee-ed!

      Nov 24, 2010 at 6:28 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.7   Wade bang

      Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
      Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
      Bridgekeeper: What… is your name?
      Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
      Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?
      Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
      Bridgekeeper: What… is your favourite poultry to murder to death?
      Sir Lancelot: Turkey.
      Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 6:48 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #7.8   farcical aquatic ceremony

      “…his head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis…”

      poor mr.turkey

      Nov 24, 2010 at 8:32 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #7.9   jadefirefly

      @FAC: I had to thumb this, if only because I can -never- remember all of that at once when it’s -important-.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.10   Canthz_B bang

      Divvitar, everyone knows you need an ostrich for Joust. ;-)

      Nov 27, 2010 at 3:12 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #7.11   Mo®

      We are now the Knights who say… “Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z’nourrwringmm.

      Nov 29, 2010 at 12:43 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #8   Divvitar

    Meh, we’re talking about a bird that will drown in the rain if not put in a sheltered coop. War is not a concept they can understand. Their last thought would be something like “what is that shiny, sharp object descending toward my neck?”

    Nov 24, 2010 at 6:17 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Uly

      They don’t actually drown. That’s an urban legend.

      Nov 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Canthz_B bang

      We don’t actually fact-check jokes around here. That’s an urban legend.

      That’s an urban legend. ;-)

      Nov 27, 2010 at 9:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #9   bowloftoast bang

    At least it gets their minds off the fact that the sky is falling, which is a common concern among ground fowl.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 6:37 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   park rose bang

      I get what you’re saying Henny Penny. It’s either the Thanksgiving table or Foxy Loxy’s lair. Wattle Turkey Lurkey do?

      Nov 25, 2010 at 8:16 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   bowloftoast bang

      Ahem…it’s Cocky Locky, not Henny Penny (harumph)

      Nov 25, 2010 at 9:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   park rose

      Well, what’s good for the goose hen is good for the gander rooster, right, C.L.?

      I just couldn’t remember all the names, and I couldn’t believe that Cocky Locky would let Henny Penny rule the roost, so to speak – but then, I guess that’s why Foxy Loxy ended up having his way with ‘em all.

      Nov 25, 2010 at 7:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Canthz_B bang

      Cocky Locky, Cocky Blocky…what’s the difference? It’s still the same as the end of the world for a “game” hen.

      Nov 27, 2010 at 9:59 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   park rose bang

      CB, your comment should have more thumbs.

      Nov 30, 2010 at 10:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   l

    I thought the “via lance” part was wonderful, too….then I realized she may have just been sounding out the word violence. Maybe?

    I think probably.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 8:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #11   snee


    Nov 24, 2010 at 8:51 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   pony girl

      We have a piper down!

      Nov 25, 2010 at 1:52 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Mo®

      Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”

      Nov 29, 2010 at 7:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #12   ashmeadow

    Dear Lindy,
    It’s funny that you so accurately describe how we turkeys feel about Thanksgiving, because I think your mom has a near identical experience, when she gets stuffed with your dad’s lance. Oh, you meant violence? Well, that too. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Mr. Gobbles

    Nov 24, 2010 at 9:03 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Sirius¤ bang

      P.S. Eat me

      Nov 26, 2010 at 5:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #13   VerityBrown bang

    Obviously the product of a progressive education….

    Nov 24, 2010 at 10:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #14   divaandwriter bang

    I always thought the only wars at Thanksgiving were between family members at the table.

    Nov 24, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   flip-flappin'

      I’m girding my loins as we speak.

      Nov 25, 2010 at 11:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   snatchbeast

    truer words were never spoken

    Nov 25, 2010 at 4:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger) bang

    So this kid is the source of that silly saying: “Do you know how many polyesters had to die to make that shirt?”

    Nov 25, 2010 at 10:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   Quick Links | A Blog Around The Clock

    [...] Poultry Slam [...]

    Nov 25, 2010 at 12:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #18   H Bomb

    Geez, Grandma, don’t you know there’s a WAR on?

    Nov 25, 2010 at 6:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #19   molly moon

    What I want to know is how old is this little girl now? I love girls who don’t know how to spell!!! I don’t want her too old, but I wouldn’t mind if she were in her late teens

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Nov 26, 2010 at 9:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Chris Hansen

      Why don’t you just take a seat over here, Molly?

      Nov 27, 2010 at 10:58 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   meethinks

      Will there be cookies or just cameras?

      Nov 27, 2010 at 1:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   Canthz_B bang

      Hey! I only drove 145 miles to tell this 13 year-old that meeting men on the internet is dangerous! The condoms and hard lemonade were just an afterthought, Chris.
      Here, have a Jolly Rancher. I brought lots of ‘em.

      Nov 27, 2010 at 10:05 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   molly moon

      hey chris, sorry it took me a while to respond, I am at my grandmothers house and she doesn’t like me to use the internet, she says that she is worried about some of the stuff on the internet, but I am 13 and she can’t tell me how to live my life anymore, right?? anyway, what’s hard lemonade? is that like a slushy??

      Nov 28, 2010 at 11:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #20   Talkin’ Tofurky |

    [...] related: A turkey’s idea of Thanksgiving [...]

    Nov 24, 2011 at 11:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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