The Ring 3: Death by Sandwich

December 7th, 2010 · 86 comments

Matt, a law student in Boston, surmises that this note posted in the school’s student lounge was written by non-native English speaker  — “the other possibility being that the stress of exams has eaten away at his ability to write coherently.” But what’s curious about this note isn’t the spelling and grammar so much as the the variety and specificity of immediate punishments that are promised within.

“For example,” asks Matt: “Will the food choke the perpetrator, or will Frank be the choker?  How will the burns be administered to the sleeper?” And so on. ”In any case,” he adds, “at least the various threatened deaths won’t be drawn out. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, there is no ‘video record’ of the refrigerator.)”

To the asshole who stole my food this Friday between 12:00 pm - 5:00 pm on the first floor: Go to hell! You bastard! You're son of bitch! You're a jerk! You make me sick! I hate you! You will die soon! When you get out of this door, you will be hit by a car and die immediately! When you eating food, you will get choked and die immediately! When you sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately! My food has been stolen more than 5 times since last semester. I'm not going to put up with this! I'm telling you for the last time! Don't do this again! Because I'm going to check the video record and You are dead meat!  PS: People please pay attention, thief is around us! When you get him, you must kick his ass!

related: Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the dardnest threats!

FILED UNDER: Boston · Clearly a non-native English speaker · die bitch die · food · lawyers & law students · not-so-veiled threats · p.s.

86 responses so far ↓

  • #1   aaa bang

    I like to believe this isn’t an angry rant so much as a curse being invoked upon Douchey McFood Thief since the note writer seems so certain that these horrid things will befall their antagonist.

    Although I do have to wonder why they keep storing their food in the student lounge if their shit seems to keep getting pilfered so damn often. I mean, after the second time, one should either be not keeping their food there or leaving out some inviting food spike with salt, ridiculous amounts of hot sauce, or, if feeling super-douchey and not caring about potential poisoning charges, ipecac.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 4:38 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   aaa bang

      This is the first I’ve seen of the updated layout since I’ve been away from the internet for a few days. I like it.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 4:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Ann

      Ipecac? A little projectile vomiting preceded by a “Oh God, Dear God” would stop anyone. Nothing wrong with that.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 5:13 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   ashmeadow

      Maybe it’s a hoodoo curse? I hope the thief didn’t leave any hair or toenail clippings in the fridge.

      Ok, I just disgusted myself.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 6:13 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   VerityBrown bang

      That’s what I was thinking–this definitely sounds like he’s invoking a curse against the thief. Which is not particularly passive, really. But I’m definitely Team Frank. People who steal other people’s food pretty much deserve anything that happens to them.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Ed Depaine

      You remind me of a man…

      Dec 8, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   *snerk*

      What man?

      Dec 8, 2010 at 12:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   Mo®

      Man with the power.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   Caiman

      What power?

      Dec 8, 2010 at 1:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.9   bored@work

      The power of hodoo.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 1:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.10   Erica


      Dec 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.11   susan

      You do

      Dec 8, 2010 at 3:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.12   Canthz_B bang

      Do what?

      Dec 8, 2010 at 4:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.13   farcical aquatic ceremony

      That voodoo that
      you do
      so well

      Dec 8, 2010 at 6:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.14   ISpy

      Scooby-doo and dooby-dooby-doo.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 10:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.15   Andi

      A bottle of hot habanero sauce is like $2 at the store. It’ll solve the problem unless the dude likes hot food…then it’s time to resort to laxatives.

      Dec 9, 2010 at 4:45 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.16   Divvitar

      My nephew kept getting his Oreo’s stolen from his dorm room at the University of Idaho. He decided to get even. He bought a package of Double-Stuff Oreos, took out all of the ‘white stuff,’ then replaced it with shaving cream. His oreos have been safe since.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 2:09 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #1.17   nilloc

      i feel like toothpaste would have been a better substitute.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 6:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #2   shwo! bang

    If an asshole stole your food, you really don’t want it back.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 4:45 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #3   JC

    If you’re gonna steal someone’s food, sound’s like Frank is a good target, since he’s not man enough to do anything about it himself.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:08 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Citrico

      I dunno, he’s apparently some kind of witch doctor. I’d be pretty scared if I believed in curses.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 11:38 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   bellabeastie

      I kind of don’t think “Frank” is his real name.. Sorry, I’ve had too many calls to “customer support” lately. Printer failure.. not gouda, hehe

      Dec 8, 2010 at 5:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #4   ashmeadow

    Matt might think there’s not a video record, but I wouldn’t put it beyond Frank to knock off the handle of a drawer across from the fridge and tape a camera inside. Never underestimate rage, Matt. Never.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   FeRD bang

      N – E – V – E – R ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1 ! ! ! ! o n e ! ! ! !

      Dec 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #5   CakeasaurusRex

    Team Frank! Why do people take food that’s not their own? Ugh, *rolly eyes* Plan ahead and bring your own food (or go buy some …damn).

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:14 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #6   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    Team Fridge Pirate … not because they are right, but because Frank is wrong.

    If your grub has been taken 5 times since last semester – GET A CLUE! It will be taken again – and no amount of nastiness in your fantasy life will forestall it. In fact, Team Fridge Pirate will be laughing at you as they eat your next batch of leftovers.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:21 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   CakeasaurusRex

      Well yeah, I get that Frank should learn from his mistakes (I guess). BUT…It is a fridge, that’s where you keep food that you need to keep cold all day (what if he commutes to campus and has to stay there all day, and wants to keep his dinner from spoiling? Those insulated lunch boxes only work so well…and what if he cant afford campus or cafeteria food?). I obviously dont know if that’s the case but come on you cant honestly say that Frank is “wrong” for being upset that his food was taken.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 5:25 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   CakeasaurusRex bang

      Ooooo, I finally mad a nifty account thingy! How exciting :DDD

      Dec 8, 2010 at 2:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #7   SHammett13

    How many times can the food thief die immediately?

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:35 pm   rating: 45  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   JetJackson

      If the thief is a cat – 9 times.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 12:15 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   slasher bang

      man, the cats are so bold in boston that they are raiding refrigerators? crazyness

      Dec 11, 2010 at 10:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   People Person

    Might I suggest a spring gun? Contra Katko v. Briney, 183 N.W.2d 657 (Iowa 1971) (holding homeowner liable for battery for injuries caused to a trespasser who set off a spring gun set as a mantrap in an abandoned house on the homeowner’s property).

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:56 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   sleeps

      Sweet Christ, what are you, a 1L? You just brought back the worst law school flashback; I’m sending you my therapy bill.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 6:08 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #9   sleeps

    This is my favorite phase of apoplectic rage; when it passes into the realm of psychotic revenge fantasy, and the person believes they can mete out terrible punishments through the sheer strength of their anger alone.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

  • #10   The voice of... James Mason bang

    I lived with a psychotic food-stealing fridge pirate for a year. I completely sympathize, knowing the soul-sucking, grammar-destroying wrath it inspires, even if the guy should probably just suck it up and buy a mini-fridge at this point… Seriously though, why steal other people’s food?? What distinguishes food stealing from any other type of kleptomania??!!

    I might still be a little bitter.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 6:34 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   I'm Rick James Bitch

      Having people steal my food seems like an exciting opportunity. I would go with a “Seven” theme. Every day do disgusting things to your food, photograph it, place it in the fridge and wait. Escalate the nastiness then after seven offences tape the chain of horror to the fridge.

      Dec 10, 2010 at 10:28 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Noelegy

      It’s funny you should mention “Seven.” Someone decorated our department this morning with multicolored glass balls hung from the ceiling and it reminds me of nothing so much as the scene from that movie with all of the Little Tree air fresheners dangling from the ceiling.

      Dec 13, 2010 at 11:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   merkin4

      I had a roommate once who never bought his own groceries. I started keeping my food in a box under my bed – then one day I came home to find him going through it, pulling what he wanted for dinner. He actually had the gall to tell me that The Bible said I was supposed to share my food with him.

      I ended up stopping at the grocery store every night, purchasing only what I needed for that night.

      At the end of the school year, I got my revenge. I told the other college students in the room to invite their girlfriends over for dinner. I fixed bacon-wrapped filet mignon, baked potatoes with sour cream, butter, and chives, spinach salad, fresh crusty French bread made from scratch, and brownies with Cherry Garcia for dessert. I picked the night before he got paid – I knew he was flat broke. We sat around and had a great meal, and he would tell us how good it all smelled and complain that he didn’t even have an egg to add to his Ramen noodles.

      Now, working in a large office setting, I’ve been known to leave a pizza box in the fridge, with an unrolled condom hiding under the cheese on a few of the slices.

      Dec 13, 2010 at 12:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Kim

      Eurgh, food thieves. If you haven’t bought something yourself and you take it, is it or is it not stealing. Some people don’t think it’s a big deal but when I was living on a meagre budget and my housemates were buying bags of groceries, why did they feel the need to take my food. Grrrr (and rant over.) Seriously though, why would he write down what he might do. That piece of paper won’t look good in a court of law. Rookie mistake really.

      Dec 15, 2010 at 10:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #11   lupanime bang

    It seems Frank believes in reincarnation, as the thief will die three times AND will also go to hell.
    Yes, karma is a bitch, but hey, as a simple food thief you get to die immediately and not suffer a long agony! Cheer up!

    Team The Grudge

    Dec 7, 2010 at 6:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   shwo! bang

      Wait, if karma’s a bitch, and the food thief is “son of bitch” (according to Frank), then is the food thief the son of karma itself?

      Dec 7, 2010 at 7:26 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   lupanime bang

      hmm… son of bitch (karma), bastard, and dead meat. Poor thief, he’s got some issues!

      Dec 7, 2010 at 11:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   clumber

      Lupanime – Not necessarily… a wise man once said, “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do.” Perhaps Curse ala’ Frank only renders one mostly dead.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 8:04 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   H for Toy bang

      If Frank went through his pockets and looked for loose change, he’d have some money to get himself something to eat.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 9:33 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   sleeps

      Maybe the fridge thief is planning a giant installation piece using all the food he’s stolen from Frank, and it will read “to blave,” which of course we all know means “to bluff,” because Frank cheats at cards.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 12:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   Susan

    Despite the random capitalization and missing words, I am quite impressed that each time Frank wrote, “you’re” he used it correctly.

    This used to be a big problem at my work (it still can be at times, as we are a seasonal tourist company), and a co-worker baked ex-lax brownies to catch the thief. Unfortuantely, the person believed to be the thief was fired shortly after, and the brownies remained untouched.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 7:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   clumber

      Wow – you guys are damn serious about grammar where you work. What happened if someone misused “begs the question”?

      Dec 8, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   park rose bang

      Well, Clumber – using ‘are’ correctly is obviously exhausting, so it is no wonder that Susan’s workplace takes umbrage at people who use it incorrectly.

      Just look at Frank. He might have used it correctly when he was describing the food thief’s personality, but it must have taken a lot out of him, as there were no ‘ares’ left over for describing the food thief’s future actions. When you (are) sleeping, When you (are) eating.

      But then, maybe Frank is Santa and he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good . . . and he therefore has no need for tense markers.

      I think that being tense markers at Susan’s seasonal tourist company might have caused them to be super-stressed out about contractions. This fact so permeated all aspects of their working life that they baked brownies which also could cause contractions. You just know that if the thief-worker had eaten those brownies, rather than having been fired, he’d have got the use of ‘you’ and ‘are’ down pat, probably while he was downing a pat into the toilet bowl. Or it was more likely to be a bit of explosive diarrhoea. Like this bit of writing. Something as diaphanous as a feather on the breath of God and as lax as a brownie waiting to be touched. Sigh. I’ll leave it with you. It’s time for bed.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 9:24 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Canthz_B bang

      What happened if they said “At my work”?

      Dec 8, 2010 at 4:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Stephanie I

    Very little “passive” in this note

    Dec 7, 2010 at 7:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   K Nelson

      The “note” part is passive. Just being aggressive would mean standing in front of the fridge and punching anyone who came near it. Also, he hopes something bad happens to the thief… he didn’t say he would do anything to the guy personally. Even the threat to “kick his a$$” was telling others to do it!

      Dec 7, 2010 at 8:49 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   VerityBrown bang

      If he’s invoking a curse (and it sounds like he is) that isn’t passive. Of course, if you think that kind of thing is dumb, it may look passive from your POV. But from Frank’s POV, probably not.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #14   loopy

    see id want to draw out the death, just to be sure they wont do it again

    Dec 7, 2010 at 8:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    I guess when they catch the food thief they can kick his ass at their leisure, since it doesn’t say his ass must be kicked immediately.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 9:31 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #16   Odious

    The thing that cracks me up is that the majority of the note is a psychic prediction (re:the future.).

    Dec 7, 2010 at 10:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   AuntyBron

    I think maybe the “die immediately” was more of a Karma thing, or possibly the Wrath of God. If God is going to strike the thief dead that must have been one righteous sammich.

    Dec 7, 2010 at 11:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #18   Rybashka bang

    The only clue that Frank might be a non-native English speaker is his writing the date as “2010/11/26″. Otherwise, his grammar is a good (or as bad) as a typical American college student.

    Dec 8, 2010 at 2:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   bored@work

      Agreed. Many native English speakers do not successfully transition to native English writers. That said, the voice in my head immediately went to ‘angry Asian man mode’ when reading this note. (On second reading, I tried it with a ‘Schwarzenegger voice’ and it was equally hilarious.)

      Dec 8, 2010 at 8:25 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   Limeliberator bang

      He MUST be foreign. Every student in America realizes that “Student Lounge” actually means “Depot for Free Food by Thieving Bastards.”

      Dec 8, 2010 at 6:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   bored@work

    When you listen to music, you hear Mariah Carey and you die immediately!

    Dec 8, 2010 at 7:44 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   bored@work

      When you read this note, you will get a paper cut and die immediately!

      Dec 8, 2010 at 7:46 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #20   bored@work

    One thing about Frank, he’s very frank.

    Dec 8, 2010 at 7:53 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #21   Lidda

    Memo to Frank: Don’t leave your food on the floor on Fridays between 12 pm and 5 pm. Maybe it got stepped on and is stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe.

    Dec 8, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   4L

    I really want to know which Boston law school this came from. My first thought is that it’s BU Law (where I went) because it has a large number of international students (due to its American Law LL.M. program) and it has refrigerators on the first floor.

    If it’s from a BU Law student, it’s particularly hilarious because the maintenance staff at BU cleans out the refrigerators on Friday afternoons and tosses out any food left in there. (There are many signs to let people know this.)

    Dec 8, 2010 at 9:12 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   4L

      D’oh, just realized there was a link — and it was a BU Law student. Oh the hilarity!

      Dec 8, 2010 at 9:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #23   Ed Depaine

    By the power of grayskull if you touch my food you will die immediately!

    Dec 8, 2010 at 9:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #24   Woman on the Verge bang

    I’m hoping the next thing the thief steals is Frank’s Voodoo Donut.

    Dec 8, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   bored@work

      @ Woman – I can’t believe we are actually dealing with a P-A-N for food this time and no one has spouted your favorite taboo phrase. Could it actually finally be dead? (To any trollers, this is not an invitation to jump on the bandwagon and use the above-mentioned phrase.)

      Dec 8, 2010 at 9:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.2   raychel

      I have always wanted to try a Voodoo donut. My ex lives in Oregon so I must be passive aggressive and seethe while I curse her existence and make back handed clever comments when I speak with her.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 9:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.3   Mo®

      I have had this donut of voodoo and it is delicious, orgasmic good in fact. :razz:

      Dec 8, 2010 at 12:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.4   ISpy

      I get it.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 10:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Rachel

    Does anybody else with a degree above the high school level feel like it’s worth less after having read this? The grammar–nay!–the complete disregard for sentence structure is making me rethink $136K worth of higher ed. degrees based strictly on the fact that this jerk is still in school.

    Dec 8, 2010 at 10:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Jane

      Rachel, I don’t think that this letter is really indicative of the quality of education ‘Frank’ has received. This is clearly a stream of consciousness rant (written the day after Thanksgiving, when ‘Frank’ has spent more than five hours at his law school). I’ve been completely incoherent after studying for a few hours… spending Thanksgiving break at school cannot help sanity, let alone writing skills, much. (The missing food could well have been his leftover Thanksgiving sandwich, which many, many people would be miffed to lose.)

      Further, ‘Frank’ is probably a foreign-born student (see the way he dated the letter). Non native speakers have to spend more time editing their writing. ‘Frank’ was tired, angry, (quite possibly hungry), and not writing in his native tongue. His missive is hardly the reason for lessened faith in higher education.

      I’ve seen much better reasons to lose faith. The short list: the senior sociology major at a tier-1 college who didn’t know the difference between a sociologist and a socialist; the graduate student who wrote an entire paper without using any verbs; and, my personal favorite, the professor who didn’t know the difference between ‘physically’ and ‘psychically’.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 11:51 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #25.2   sleeps

      Ooooh, what if the thief stole his special turkey sandwich with the MoistMaker, and then only ate half and threw the rest away??? In which case, his wrath is completely rational.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 12:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #25.3   Canthz_B bang

      I bet if Frank had written this in his native tongue the curses would stick.
      Black magic is often lost in translation.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #25.4   SiulaGrande bang

      How in the name of Christ do you write a paper without using verbs? Adjectives and adverbs, maybe, but verbs?

      Dec 8, 2010 at 6:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.5   Canthz_B bang

      Miracles? Prayer? Pray for a miracle?

      Dec 9, 2010 at 12:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.6   SiulaGrande bang

      Somehow, I think Jesus approves of verbs, but probably not food theft. Adonai certainly doesn’t like it.

      Dec 10, 2010 at 9:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #26   Limeliberator bang

    I used to work at a bank. There was this kid named Brandon who used to steal people’s lunches. He’d say that he needed to use the restroom (which was upstairs at the end of the hall from the lounge) and be gone for 20-30 minutes. New people thought that he had “bathroom issues” until they got their food stolen.

    Dec 8, 2010 at 6:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   SiulaGrande bang

      Perhaps they should have kept a refrigerator in the actual bathroom.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 6:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.2   bored@work

      Or at least a pizza box to freshen the air….

      Dec 9, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #27   Madrias

    Ah, my note would have mentioned death-by-shit, because I’d have put a box of laxative-laced food in there. Stopped a pesky roommate from eating my food really fast.

    Dec 10, 2010 at 12:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   sonny bishop

    Hey bored…that voodoo donut was fucking delicious.

    Dec 14, 2010 at 7:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   sonny bishop

    No problem, still chewing. “shut up” is hard to swallow. But it is fucking delicious.

    Dec 15, 2010 at 6:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #30   thief

    my bad bro

    getting hit by the car sucked

    Jan 17, 2011 at 7:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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