So, I’ve been thinking about it (!) but I’m still not entirely clear about what type of eternal damnation Christmas-ornament thieves should supposedly be condemned. Perhaps some sort of Sisyphean untangling of Christmas lights?
One thing seems certain, however: no matter what your belief system, some type of divine retribution is in order.
Thanks to Wade in D.C., Jack in Santa Monica, and Emma in L.A. for their submissions!
related: Imagine…Christmas morning…You!!
51 responses so far ↓
#1
goblue
I especially love the phrase “people or kids”
Dec 23, 2010 at 2:31 pm rating: 33
#2
Liz
So what would a passive aggressive circle of hell look like, I wonder…
Dec 23, 2010 at 2:41 pm rating: 2
#3
The Elf
Oh,
Rubber Ducky, you’re the one,
You make stealing so much fun,
Rubber Ducky, I’m awfully fond of you
bo bo bodie bo
Rubber Ducky, King of Kings,
Christmas thievery really stings,
Rubber Ducky, you’re my revenge it’s true
Oh,
Every day when I
See you with my Bertie
I find a
little fella who’s
Cute and yella and chubby
Rubber dub dubbie
Rubbery Ducky, I’m so mad
Bert left me and now I’m sad
Rubber Ducky, I’m getting back at the bitch!
Dec 23, 2010 at 2:52 pm rating: 22
#4
Mace Elaine
I’m thinking about it as hard as I can, and I still have no idea.
Ouch, I think something snapped.
Dec 23, 2010 at 3:06 pm rating: 5
#5
nunavut guy
So they had watched all the duckies disappear and were down to one solitary ducky.My first thought would be to pack the little fellow with as much C-4 as it could hold and wire him to a trip switch.
The rewarding part would be mailing the body parts back to their parents.(gift wrapped in Christmas ducky paper)
Dec 23, 2010 at 3:10 pm rating: 26
#6
lagne
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you post a note warning people not to fuck with your decorations or admonishing people for already having fucked with your decorations, your house will likely be gleefully burned to the ground within 24 hours. Not worth it, notewriters.
Dec 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm rating: 20
#7
El Jefe
It’s really too bad that dead-fall traps are illegal.
Dec 23, 2010 at 3:47 pm rating: 7
#8
Ken Y
from the soundtrack of Christmas Hell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68uOMWJzkZQ
Dec 23, 2010 at 3:51 pm rating: 2
#9
TippingCows
To note writer #1: Ok, I’m thinking. Now what?
Oh, I get it. I’m supposed to figure out to what level of hell these ornament thieves go. After careful research, I think they go to the same level as those addressed in note #2:
*ding ding*
“Level 49 – Pranks and Tomfoolery. Please mind the gap!
Dec 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm rating: 7
#10
pony girl
It was probably those Repent Amarillo people.
Dec 23, 2010 at 4:11 pm rating: 3
#11
Smiley4099
At least the people or kids didn’t steal Baby Jesus.
Dec 23, 2010 at 4:13 pm rating: 3
#12
Captain Calypso
Is the first one a Firefly reference to the “special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater”? It reminds me of it.
Dec 23, 2010 at 4:31 pm rating: 4
#13
Janellionaire
Look, you have ducks dressed as gnomes apparently right next to the road. To me that sounds like asking for it. If I put a gnome or duck or any combination thereof in an easy grabbing place, I would just consider it as a freebie to any passing teenager.
Dec 23, 2010 at 6:21 pm rating: 12
#14
Rachel
“P.S. My dogs always enjoyed peeing right here. Might wanna wash your hands.”
Dec 23, 2010 at 7:12 pm rating: 4
#15
Divvitar
Is Detroit still considered a layer of Hell?
Dec 23, 2010 at 7:36 pm rating: 10
#16
Odious
Thought about it. Turns out hell’s existence is illogical and contradictory (unless you throw out both monotheism and physics).
But Heck, on the other hand…
Dec 23, 2010 at 8:30 pm rating: 4
#17
aaa
There’s a special place in Hell for people who defile the wondrous kitschiness of lawn gnomes with those stupid yard geese.
Dec 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm rating: 9
#18
thoseducksweredelicous
Not for nothing, but the note addressing the thievery of the last duckie and then the very last one, is being held by at least two duckies? what’s up with that? Also, dressed like that, those ducks had it coming.
Dec 23, 2010 at 8:46 pm rating: 7
#19
Bigi Foot
Hey, I don’t remember ducks in the Christmas story…
Dec 23, 2010 at 9:06 pm rating: 4
#20
Holly
Ten little xmas duckies all of ‘em mine
One got stolen and then there were nine.
Nine little xmas duckies sat in wait
Another one got stolen and then there were eight.
Eight little xmas duckies bought at 7-Eleven
Who would take another one? But then there were seven!
Seven xmas duckies sitting on Styx
One floated off and then there were Six
Six little xmas duckies by the drive
A high schooler stole one and then there were five
Five little xmas duckies in front of the door
Another one stolen and then there were four
Four little xmas duckies not locked with a key
One learned to fly and then there were three
Three little xmas duckies who can they sue?
One sought a lawyer and then there were two
Two little xmas duckies sitting in the sun
One got frizzled up and then there was one
One little xmas ducky left all alone
Some people or kids stole the very last solitary one and then there were none!
Dec 24, 2010 at 5:15 am rating: 18
#21
H for Toy
Aw… one of my favorite traditionalChristmas carols!
Dec 24, 2010 at 10:14 am rating: 2
#22
Canthz_B
Of course there’s a special place in Hell for someone who steals decorations intended to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
I think they call it Beverly Hells, 66600.
Dec 24, 2010 at 11:14 am rating: 5
#23
Canthz_B
That first gateway rubber ducky soon wasn’t enough to satisfy Ernie’s cravings.
At first he was happy to bathe with two, then three…but soon, bath-time required every ducky he could get his Muppetty hands on.
Bert warned everyone on Sesame Street to mind their duckies, but not everyone heeded his warnings. “Our duckies are safe behind our fences!”, they declared.
Sadly, Ernie overduckied in his bathtub shortly after this sign was erected.
Dec 24, 2010 at 12:24 pm rating: 7
#24
Canthz_B
Obviously a Chick Protective Services issue.
The duckies were kidnapped by their egg-mother, who was appalled by them having been placed with Mother and Father Goose after she flat-footed it out of town following Farmer Brown’s dinner invitation.
It turns out, you freak a duck out if you say, “We’d like to have you at our table for dinner some time.”
She’s hiding them at her brother Drake’s place, her SIL Daisy is taking good care of them.
The whole thing is just daffy, but it trumps what her friend Donald suggested…which was a plan she couldn’t gamble on!!
She’s gotten some criticism for it, but the jibes run off her back like water.
Dec 24, 2010 at 1:13 pm rating: 7
#25
Canthz_B
My Karma really sucks.
She makes me a fortune when conventioneers are in town!
They must be very devout though. Otherwise, why call them Shriners?
Dec 24, 2010 at 1:47 pm rating: 1
#26
Mo®
Merry Christmas and happy Boxing Day everyone!
Dec 25, 2010 at 9:43 am rating: 7
#27
April
On an unrelated note: I just submitted a note for the blog. I hope it gets posted soon. Woot!
Dec 25, 2010 at 5:44 pm rating: 1
#28
Xenobio
I would just get a live goose. They’re LOUD and they bite.
Dec 26, 2010 at 9:18 pm rating: 2
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