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The circle of Hell Dante forgot to mention

December 23rd, 2010 · 51 comments

So, I’ve been thinking about it (!) but I’m still not entirely clear about what type of eternal damnation Christmas-ornament thieves should supposedly be condemned. Perhaps some sort of Sisyphean untangling of Christmas lights?

There's a special place in Hell for people who steal Christmas ornaments! (think about it!)

One thing seems certain, however: no matter what your belief system, some type of divine retribution is in order.

For the people or kids who stole all the xmas rubber duckies and then the very last solitary duckie, I hope you realize this fence is private property and I will still call the police. Also:

Thanks to Wade in D.C., Jack in Santa Monica, and Emma in L.A. for their submissions!

related: Imagine…Christmas morning…You!!

FILED UNDER: Christmas · karma's a bitch · stealing · the po-po · you're like so going to hell

51 responses so far ↓

  • #1   goblue

    I especially love the phrase “people or kids”

    Dec 23, 2010 at 2:31 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   CakeasaurusRex

      Duh, children are not people. Hasn’t this site taught you guys anything? :)

      Dec 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Janellionaire

      Yeah, and how about “all of the duckies, and then the last one.” Wouldn’t the last one be included in the “all?”

      Dec 23, 2010 at 6:15 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   park rose bang

      And mother duck went “Quack, quack, quack, quack”, but only one little duck came back . . .

      Dec 23, 2010 at 9:05 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #2   Liz

    So what would a passive aggressive circle of hell look like, I wonder…

    Dec 23, 2010 at 2:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   divaandwriter bang

      Passive-aggressive circle of hell for Christmas ornament thieves: For all eternity you will be forced to play a game of musical chairs while being flogged with a whip consisting of Christmas rubber duckies tied to curly gift-wrap ribbon, and the only music that will be played will be Burl Ives singing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.”

      Dec 23, 2010 at 2:51 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   clumber

      I fucking hate you for getting that stuck in my head.

      I still thumbed you though, if that helps my karma.

      Dec 24, 2010 at 3:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #3   The Elf


    Rubber Ducky, you’re the one,
    You make stealing so much fun,
    Rubber Ducky, I’m awfully fond of you

    bo bo bodie bo

    Rubber Ducky, King of Kings,
    Christmas thievery really stings,
    Rubber Ducky, you’re my revenge it’s true

    Every day when I
    See you with my Bertie
    I find a
    little fella who’s
    Cute and yella and chubby

    Rubber dub dubbie

    Rubbery Ducky, I’m so mad
    Bert left me and now I’m sad
    Rubber Ducky, I’m getting back at the bitch!

    Dec 23, 2010 at 2:52 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #4   Mace Elaine

    I’m thinking about it as hard as I can, and I still have no idea.

    Ouch, I think something snapped.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 3:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #5   nunavut guy bang

    So they had watched all the duckies disappear and were down to one solitary ducky.My first thought would be to pack the little fellow with as much C-4 as it could hold and wire him to a trip switch.

    The rewarding part would be mailing the body parts back to their parents.(gift wrapped in Christmas ducky paper)

    Dec 23, 2010 at 3:10 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Who? Me?

      So there they were, watching the duckies disappearing one by one …

      I wonder when they started to get concerned? Did they really wait until the last one was gone to write the sign?

      Inquiring minds want to know.

      P.S. And yet we clearly see two large duckies next to the sign. I think somebody has Xmas Duckie OCD, myself. Perhaps the theft was actually an intervention by someone who really cares …

      Dec 23, 2010 at 9:13 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Liz

      I think those are Xmas geese. Obviously not as interesting to the people/kids who stole the duckies.

      Dec 23, 2010 at 10:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Mo® bang

      The geese are eating the duckies, oh my!

      Dec 25, 2010 at 9:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #6   lagne

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you post a note warning people not to fuck with your decorations or admonishing people for already having fucked with your decorations, your house will likely be gleefully burned to the ground within 24 hours. Not worth it, notewriters.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   April

      yeppers. Instead of writing a note, once something got stolen I would start keeping a lookout more often and possibly set up a video camera and booby traps. But then again, that is how I roll.

      Dec 25, 2010 at 5:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Canthz_B bang

      Probably catch a homeless person looking to have stewed rubber duck for Christmas dinner, huh?
      Too bad video cameras aren’t in the budgets of those living below poverty level.
      Just gotta post the kids as guards to save the important investment in Christmas decorations. LOL

      j/k…Merry Christmas, April. ;-)

      Dec 26, 2010 at 2:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   El Jefe

    It’s really too bad that dead-fall traps are illegal.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 3:47 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #8   Ken Y

    from the soundtrack of Christmas Hell:

    Dec 23, 2010 at 3:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   TippingCows

    To note writer #1: Ok, I’m thinking. Now what?

    Oh, I get it. I’m supposed to figure out to what level of hell these ornament thieves go. After careful research, I think they go to the same level as those addressed in note #2:
    *ding ding*
    “Level 49 – Pranks and Tomfoolery. Please mind the gap!

    Dec 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   TippingCows

      The editor wouldn’t let me edit the sentence. Allow me to add the ” . Thanks.

      Dec 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   pony girl

    It was probably those Repent Amarillo people.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 4:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #11   Smiley4099

    At least the people or kids didn’t steal Baby Jesus.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 4:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   nunavut guy bang

      Because He was disguised as a duck.

      Dec 23, 2010 at 4:36 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #12   Captain Calypso

    Is the first one a Firefly reference to the “special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater”? It reminds me of it.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 4:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Wade bang

      Or a Limp Bizkit fan.

      Think about it. You’ll get it.

      Dec 23, 2010 at 8:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #13   Janellionaire

    Look, you have ducks dressed as gnomes apparently right next to the road. To me that sounds like asking for it. If I put a gnome or duck or any combination thereof in an easy grabbing place, I would just consider it as a freebie to any passing teenager.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 6:21 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #14   Rachel

    “P.S. My dogs always enjoyed peeing right here. Might wanna wash your hands.”

    Dec 23, 2010 at 7:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   nunavut guy bang

      Or put my gum there.

      Dec 23, 2010 at 7:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #15   Divvitar

    Is Detroit still considered a layer of Hell?

    Dec 23, 2010 at 7:36 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #16   Odious

    Thought about it. Turns out hell’s existence is illogical and contradictory (unless you throw out both monotheism and physics).
    But Heck, on the other hand…

    Dec 23, 2010 at 8:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #17   aaa bang

    There’s a special place in Hell for people who defile the wondrous kitschiness of lawn gnomes with those stupid yard geese.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #18   thoseducksweredelicous

    Not for nothing, but the note addressing the thievery of the last duckie and then the very last one, is being held by at least two duckies? what’s up with that? Also, dressed like that, those ducks had it coming.

    Dec 23, 2010 at 8:46 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #19   Bigi Foot

    Hey, I don’t remember ducks in the Christmas story…

    Dec 23, 2010 at 9:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   liddy

      they were in the manger, but met an unfortunate end as a main course the night before…..

      Dec 23, 2010 at 9:35 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Canthz_B bang

      The First Supper has been greatly overshadowed by the Last.

      Dec 24, 2010 at 12:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   pony girl

      Yeah, the ducks were right next to the first lobster.

      Dec 25, 2010 at 3:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   Canthz_B bang

      Some jokes just aren’t kosher. +1 :-P

      Dec 26, 2010 at 1:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #20   Holly

    Ten little xmas duckies all of ‘em mine
    One got stolen and then there were nine.
    Nine little xmas duckies sat in wait
    Another one got stolen and then there were eight.
    Eight little xmas duckies bought at 7-Eleven
    Who would take another one? But then there were seven!
    Seven xmas duckies sitting on Styx
    One floated off and then there were Six
    Six little xmas duckies by the drive
    A high schooler stole one and then there were five
    Five little xmas duckies in front of the door
    Another one stolen and then there were four
    Four little xmas duckies not locked with a key
    One learned to fly and then there were three
    Three little xmas duckies who can they sue?
    One sought a lawyer and then there were two
    Two little xmas duckies sitting in the sun
    One got frizzled up and then there was one
    One little xmas ducky left all alone
    Some people or kids stole the very last solitary one and then there were none!

    Dec 24, 2010 at 5:15 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #21   H for Toy bang

    Aw… one of my favorite traditionalChristmas carols!

    Dec 24, 2010 at 10:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   H for Toy bang

      Good Lord, a gigglebrax fail. Too much Christmas sugar.

      Dec 24, 2010 at 2:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   Mo® bang

      :lol: :grin:

      Dec 25, 2010 at 9:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    Of course there’s a special place in Hell for someone who steals decorations intended to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

    I think they call it Beverly Hells, 66600.

    Dec 24, 2010 at 11:14 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    That first gateway rubber ducky soon wasn’t enough to satisfy Ernie’s cravings.
    At first he was happy to bathe with two, then three…but soon, bath-time required every ducky he could get his Muppetty hands on.

    Bert warned everyone on Sesame Street to mind their duckies, but not everyone heeded his warnings. “Our duckies are safe behind our fences!”, they declared.

    Sadly, Ernie overduckied in his bathtub shortly after this sign was erected.

    Dec 24, 2010 at 12:24 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #24   Canthz_B bang

    Obviously a Chick Protective Services issue.

    The duckies were kidnapped by their egg-mother, who was appalled by them having been placed with Mother and Father Goose after she flat-footed it out of town following Farmer Brown’s dinner invitation.
    It turns out, you freak a duck out if you say, “We’d like to have you at our table for dinner some time.”

    She’s hiding them at her brother Drake’s place, her SIL Daisy is taking good care of them.

    The whole thing is just daffy, but it trumps what her friend Donald suggested…which was a plan she couldn’t gamble on!!

    She’s gotten some criticism for it, but the jibes run off her back like water.

    Dec 24, 2010 at 1:13 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   nunavut guy bang

      Where was the father during all of this?It’s time for male ducks to drake-up and do their part in parenting.

      Maybe we need a march or something.

      Dec 25, 2010 at 4:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    My Karma really sucks.

    She makes me a fortune when conventioneers are in town!
    They must be very devout though. Otherwise, why call them Shriners?

    Dec 24, 2010 at 1:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #26   Mo® bang

    Merry Christmas and happy Boxing Day everyone!

    Dec 25, 2010 at 9:43 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Canthz_B bang

      Mo, Mo, Mo…Merry Christmas!
      In fact, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! :-D

      Dec 26, 2010 at 1:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   April

    On an unrelated note: I just submitted a note for the blog. I hope it gets posted soon. Woot!

    Dec 25, 2010 at 5:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Canthz_B bang

      I hope we can be clever enough to find the humor in it, though, as you say, we’re not as clever as we think we are. ;-)

      Dec 26, 2010 at 1:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #28   Xenobio

    I would just get a live goose. They’re LOUD and they bite.

    Dec 26, 2010 at 9:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up


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