Entries from December 2010

Roadside intervention

December 26th, 2010 · 53 Comments

So, has holiday time with your family got you reachin’ for the nearest bottle of Mad Dog yet? No? Well, then allow us here at PAN to help bring you back to the depressing world of real life.

Janet spotted this display by the side of the road in her “very small-town community” in Virginia. “I’m sure this person is known by some who will see the sign — maybe even the local sheriff,” she says. “At first I laughed, but then I thought it was just sad.”

Nancy [license plate number] - Put your wine bottles in a trash can - not here! Don't drink + drive!

related: Won’t somebody think o’ the ’possums?

Tags: actually totally reasonable · driving · drizzunk · garbage · public shaming · small town living · Virginia

The circle of Hell Dante forgot to mention

December 23rd, 2010 · 51 Comments

So, I’ve been thinking about it (!) but I’m still not entirely clear about what type of eternal damnation Christmas-ornament thieves should supposedly be condemned. Perhaps some sort of Sisyphean untangling of Christmas lights?

There's a special place in Hell for people who steal Christmas ornaments! (think about it!)

One thing seems certain, however: no matter what your belief system, some type of divine retribution is in order.

For the people or kids who stole all the xmas rubber duckies and then the very last solitary duckie, I hope you realize this fence is private property and I will still call the police. Also:

Thanks to Wade in D.C., Jack in Santa Monica, and Emma in L.A. for their submissions!

related: Imagine…Christmas morning…You!!

Tags: Christmas · karma's a bitch · stealing · the po-po · you're like so going to hell

If you don’t read this, the terrorists win! Do you hate America?

December 22nd, 2010 · 47 Comments

Did you hear? Jack Bauer is back again! He’s now working unofficially as the head of the Cubicle Counter Terrorism Unit. And apparently, he gets his best propaganda ideas right here at PAN!

IF YOU SPIT YOUR GUM INTO THE URINAL, THE TERRORISTS. WIN. DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

If you don't replace the toilet roll, the terrorists have won. Do you hate America?

If you don't make more coffee the terrorists win!!! Why do you hate america???

Coffee Pot Threat Level

HEY! Yeah, you. Do you hate America? Every wasted drop of water represents a victory for the terrorists. Please, show your patriotism: Turn off the sink. -Thanks!

If you don't replace the toilet paper, the terrorists win. Do you hate America?

(Thanks to Lisa in Utah, Tyler in Texas, Michael in Ohio and Sleepy Engineer in Virginia for their submissions!)

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance (the original “terrorists win” note)

Tags: bathroom · clip art catastrophe · coffee · Copycat · misplaced patriotism · office cop · toilet paper

Mom, my flash drive is missing!

December 22nd, 2010 · 27 Comments

Apparently, your mother does work at the Clemson University computer lab. Now take some responsibility for yourself, child!

Whoever took my flash drive please turn it in to the sociology office. If any information is duplicated there will be [No] Consequences! [RESPONSE:] Attention students: Please stop leaving your flash drives lying around

related: These yogurts are expired. What should we do?

Tags: CAPS LOCK · college life · not-so-veiled threats · oh snap · rebuttals · South Carolina · stealing

A solid argument for liquid soap

December 21st, 2010 · 54 Comments

When men and women are forced to share a bathroom, our submitter in Philadelphia explains, “sometimes gentle reminders are needed to keep the household hygiene at an acceptable level.”

GENTLEMEN PLEASE clean your PUBES off of the SOAP. ~thank you~

And as Meghan the intern discovered during a summer gig in New York City, sometimes those gentle reminders bear repeating at the office, too.

All employees must wash genitals

related: Rocketpubes.com

Tags: art · hygiene · New York · Philadelphia · soap

Thx (for nothing) Sandra!

December 20th, 2010 · 76 Comments

Says our submitter in Las Vegas: “My mom found this — my brother’s Christmas shopping list — while cleaning up the house before company came over. (Sandra is my sister-in-law.)”

Poor Sandra. She doesn’t even warrant a regifted Mongolia[n] BBQ hat from the office potluck?

Sandra- shit in bag

related: Stuff this in your stocking, sister.

Tags: Christmas · family · WTF?

You’re just not getting it, Sugar

December 19th, 2010 · 77 Comments

From Stacey in Jacksonville, Florida: the blitzkrieg approach to ongoing breakroom disorder.

The trashcan isn't that far away! Quit leaving this mess EVERY DAY! Throw it away! Love, The 2nd floor

Seriously! Stop leaving this here! Throw this away!

Really!?!? Come on!!!

And from Englewood, Colorado…the passive-aggressive approach:

EAT THESE IF YOU WOULD LIKE CANCER

related: Nutra-not-so-sweet

Tags: blitzkrieg approach · cleaning · coffee · Colorado · confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Florida · heart · It's science! · Jacksonville · office · spoons

What your Facebook “friends” are all secretly thinking about your whiny status updates

December 18th, 2010 · 91 Comments

…it just takes a true frenemy to actually say it.

Man... You're *always* whining about how busy you are... Seriously, it's like *every* status update I see with your name on it is like *ehhh [redacted] is so busy blahaaeeehh* or something...We're all fucking busy man.

related: Busy, but not too busy for the important things in life…like Farmville.

Tags: cry me a freaking river · Facebook · frenemies · most popular notes of 2010 · Sydney

Won’t someone think of the children?

December 16th, 2010 · 57 Comments

Part 2 in our “How to be the worst neighbor ever” series comes to us courtesy of Chris in Fort Worth, Texas.

When he first saw the note go up in his apartment complex, says Chris, “I thought it was pretty funny, but it wasn’t until the thief wrote a response that I had to take a picture.”

[Typewritten:} Stop taking my newspapers, you goddamn jerk.

related: All the news that’s fit to steal

Tags: Dallas/Fort Worth · neighbors · newspaper · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children?

The passive-aggressive mailbox prankster

December 15th, 2010 · 43 Comments

Stuffing your neighbor’s mailbox with a bag of dog poo/a dead rodent/a hundred boxes of orange tic-tacs? So amateur. If you really want to drive someone crazy, try repeatedly scratching out her name and writing “VACANT” over it instead. Apparently, it works like a charm.

Dear whoever keeps finding it necessary to inform the mail carrier my apartment is vacant, It is not. I do live here and have a need to receive my mail. Please mind your own business and stop fucking around in other people's mail boxes.  Sincerely, Apt. D

related: Stop ordering McDonald’s and then not answering your door!

Tags: going postal · i before e · irregular capitalization · neighbors · New Orleans