I really hope to have the opportunity to work the coinage “pole vulture” into conversation this week.

Apparently, they’re a serious problem at Jessica’s pole dancing studio of choice in Sydney, Australia.

related: Yo, sweaty beasts!

If you’ve ever been tempted to go through an off-limits “staff only” entrance, you might consider whether that rush of forbidden adrenaline is worth the possibility of entering a wormhole to an alternate “universe” where nothing is as it seems…even the most basic rituals of hygiene!

And if you think you can escape the way you came in…you’re sadly mistaken.

(“Thanks” to Pam in Texas, Tommy in Ohio, Lisa in Michigan, and Victor in Puerto Rico for their “submissions!”)

related: The ladies room is for “women”

At a B&B by the Norfolk coast, our submitter Liz was amused by this (possibly serious, possibly not?) guestbook comment — one I hope the proprietors are able work into their next ex-con advertising campaign.

Meanwhile, Amie and Tim spotted this guestbook note while checking out from their hotel in Iceland. “We don’t know who Linda is or what she did, but…wow.” (Perhaps she could seek some support from Except Graham or Especially Deborah?)

related: But you’re too nice not to be a Christian!

After a night of heavy drinking, Dani in Baltimore woke up with a killer hangover that turned positively murderous when she noticed that her bottle of Gatorade — which she’d been saving in anticipation of her post-hangover re-hydration needs — was missing from the fridge.

Assuming her husband must have taken it, Dani quickly dashed off this exclamation-point-heavy tirade (which, of course, is “passive” only in the sense that she chose to sit down at the keyboard instead of going straight for the butcher knife).

A few hours later, however, says Dani, “I remembered that I had actually drunkenly finished the bottle of Gatorade the night before, in an attempt to avoid said hangover. Oops!”

I’m  hoping this little “oops” was a come-to-Jesus moment for Dani that showed her the error of note-writing ways, but if not…well, Dani’s husband: consider yourself warned. Because seriously, this is America, not another planet!

related: You are on Uncle Paul’s list!

Near the start of the semester, a classmate (or, rather, a former classmate) of our submitter sent this this huffy message of “warm regards” to everyone on the course listserv. ”I guess someone doesn’t know how to unsubscribe from Yahoo Groups,” our submitter says. “Instead, by posting this message, she ‘flooded’ all of our inboxes.” And that is not a good thing.

I, for one, would LOVE to see this girl’s complaint to the FCC. I envision a bright future for her writing blustery cease & desist letters as an attorney-at-LOL until retiring to concentrate on angry letters to the editor.

related: Be informed; Homeland Security will be.

…well, you’re probably right. (Small acts of passive-aggression are just one of the many coping strategies IT workers employ in order to maintain their own sanity while forced to deal with incredibly, outrageously, mind-bogglingly stupid people like you.)

But if you think you’re being patronized when the Help Desk operator asks you to make sure your power cord is plugged in…well, you’re probably not. (Because — like the 10 other people who called before you complaining “My computer won’t turn on!” — your power cord probably isn’t plugged in.)

Just ask our submitter Jessica, who works the IT Help Desk at a college in Portland, Oregon. Jessica calls this chart,  created by fellow help-desker, “a very accurate visual representation of a typical day at work.”

related: Passive-aggressive flowcharts

When her company recently relocated, says Sara in St. Louis, her department and several others were thrown together in a new office where the marketing group had already staked its claim.

“Marketing had tagged the soap they supplied in the bathroom because it was getting thrown away,” says Sara, “but when the other groups moved in they started tagging their products too.”

At this point, she says, “It’s getting a little awkward. I’m not in any of these departments — I just want to wash my hands.”

related: Everything in this drawer belongs to Elaine.

1. Your explanation for the following: “It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.”

2. At this point, it’s every zombie for himself.

3. Even the visual metaphors have given up.

4. And those noises you’re hearing? That’s actually the sound of your life force slowly leaching out of your body.

(Thanks to Marcus in Indiana, David in California, Bunny in Florida, and anonymous in New York for their soul-sucking submissions.)

related: Motivational posters for a down economy