Entries from January 2011

Women: Have your pole dancing classes empowered you too much?

January 31st, 2011 · 50 Comments

I really hope to have the opportunity to work the coinage “pole vulture” into conversation this week.

Apparently, they’re a serious problem at Jessica’s pole dancing studio of choice in Sydney, Australia.

DON'T BE A POLE VULTURE: Please let the other class finish up (completely!) before choosing a pole! And if you happen to get a non spinny pole, thank the Lord that you are getting more of a workout!!!!! And will be better prepared for the real world, where poles NEVER have ball bearings!

related: Yo, sweaty beasts!

Tags: etiquette · exclamation-point happy!!!! · gym · most popular notes of 2011

“Employees” must “wash hands” with “soap”

January 30th, 2011 · 32 Comments

If you’ve ever been tempted to go through an off-limits “staff only” entrance, you might consider whether that rush of forbidden adrenaline is worth the possibility of entering a wormhole to an alternate “universe” where nothing is as it seems…even the most basic rituals of hygiene!

Restroom is for

Employee must "wash hands"

This is

And if you think you can escape the way you came in…you’re sadly mistaken.

Entrance only: DO NOT ENTER

(“Thanks” to Pam in Texas, Tommy in Ohio, Lisa in Michigan, and Victor in Puerto Rico for their “submissions!”)

related: The ladies room is for “women”

Tags: bathroom · unnecessary "quotation marks" · washing your hands · WTF?

Bed, breakfast & backhanded compliments

January 27th, 2011 · 41 Comments

At a B&B by the Norfolk coast, our submitter Liz was amused by this (possibly serious, possibly not?) guestbook comment — one I hope the proprietors are able work into their next ex-con advertising campaign.

Meanwhile, Amie and Tim spotted this guestbook note while checking out from their hotel in Iceland. “We don’t know who Linda is or what she did, but…wow.” (Perhaps she could seek some support from Except Graham or Especially Deborah?)

Except for Linda everyone was terribly nice and helpful!

related: But you’re too nice not to be a Christian!

Tags: "customer service" · backhanded compliment · food

Haterade on the Rocks, with a twist

January 26th, 2011 · 133 Comments

After a night of heavy drinking, Dani in Baltimore woke up with a killer hangover that turned positively murderous when she noticed that her bottle of Gatorade — which she’d been saving in anticipation of her post-hangover re-hydration needs — was missing from the fridge.

Assuming her husband must have taken it, Dani quickly dashed off this exclamation-point-heavy tirade (which, of course, is “passive” only in the sense that she chose to sit down at the keyboard instead of going straight for the butcher knife).

A few hours later, however, says Dani, “I remembered that I had actually drunkenly finished the bottle of Gatorade the night before, in an attempt to avoid said hangover. Oops!”

Why the fuck are you continuing to steal my god damn Gatorade!!!!!!!!!! This is America, not another planet! And just because I write my name on the unopened bottle of Gatorade that is mine does not somehow mean that the open bottle that I've already drank part of is no longer mine!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!! If you do it again, so help me God I will CHOP YOUR BALLS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m  hoping this little “oops” was a come-to-Jesus moment for Dani that showed her the error of note-writing ways, but if not…well, Dani’s husband: consider yourself warned. Because seriously, this is America, not another planet!

related: You are on Uncle Paul’s list!

Tags: drizzunk · exclamation-point happy!!!! · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · questionable logic · sig o

“You gave me an F? I’m reporting you to the FDA!”

January 25th, 2011 · 54 Comments

Near the start of the semester, a classmate (or, rather, a former classmate) of our submitter sent this this huffy message of “warm regards” to everyone on the course listserv. ”I guess someone doesn’t know how to unsubscribe from Yahoo Groups,” our submitter says. “Instead, by posting this message, she ‘flooded’ all of our inboxes.” And that is not a good thing.

I, for one, would LOVE to see this girl’s complaint to the FCC. I envision a bright future for her writing blustery cease & desist letters as an attorney-at-LOL until retiring to concentrate on angry letters to the editor.

Dear Class, Something came up and I have to quit the class. Please stop flooding my box with emails and get me out of this class and please do regard this letter and stop flooding me with emails. Or I will report you to the FCC and that is not a good thing. Thank you. With the Warmest Regards, [Redacted]

related: Be informed; Homeland Security will be.

Tags: college life · Pennsylvania · pleasantries as afterthought · WTF?

If you’ve ever suspected the tech support staff of acting a little bit passive-aggressive…

January 24th, 2011 · 126 Comments

…well, you’re probably right. (Small acts of passive-aggression are just one of the many coping strategies IT workers employ in order to maintain their own sanity while forced to deal with incredibly, outrageously, mind-bogglingly stupid people like you.)

But if you think you’re being patronized when the Help Desk operator asks you to make sure your power cord is plugged in…well, you’re probably not. (Because — like the 10 other people who called before you complaining “My computer won’t turn on!” — your power cord probably isn’t plugged in.)

Just ask our submitter Jessica, who works the IT Help Desk at a college in Portland, Oregon. Jessica calls this chart,  created by fellow help-desker, “a very accurate visual representation of a typical day at work.”

The IT Help Desk Wheel of Responses: That sounds like a hardware problem. No, it's gone forever. OK, let me Google that for you. Have you tried restarting your computer? Is the cord plugged in? Have you tried changing your password? Yes, click OK. It's a scam, just delete it.

related: Passive-aggressive flowcharts

Tags: "customer service" · most popular notes of 2011 · Portland

When hand-washing gets a little out of hand

January 23rd, 2011 · 70 Comments

When her company recently relocated, says Sara in St. Louis, her department and several others were thrown together in a new office where the marketing group had already staked its claim.

“Marketing had tagged the soap they supplied in the bathroom because it was getting thrown away,” says Sara, “but when the other groups moved in they started tagging their products too.”

At this point, she says, “It’s getting a little awkward. I’m not in any of these departments — I just want to wash my hands.”

The office sink pissing contest

related: Everything in this drawer belongs to Elaine.

Tags: bathroom · office · St. Louis · washing your hands

Clues that you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

January 20th, 2011 · 53 Comments

1. Your explanation for the following: “It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.”

"Employee Suggestion Box" (a.k.a. the office paper shredder)

2. At this point, it’s every zombie for himself.

Dear Sudoku Thief, NOT COOL! Of all the things in this office to steal, you chose a Sudoku book. You have deprived a terribly bored person of their only mind-saving activity at work. -Pissed Off Sudoku Puzzler

3. Even the visual metaphors have given up.

Morale Plant: As it Grows, So Will Company Morale. Looks like all the pilots whining and crying is killing the morale plant.

4. And those noises you’re hearing? That’s actually the sound of your life force slowly leaching out of your body.

Sighing is Contagious! Please keep your sighs to yourself! Share smiles not sighs!

(Thanks to Marcus in Indiana, David in California, Bunny in Florida, and anonymous in New York for their soul-sucking submissions.)

related: Motivational posters for a down economy

Tags: most popular notes of 2011 · now that's management · office

But…but…if your relationship was never public on Facebook, did it ever really exist?

January 19th, 2011 · 49 Comments

You can be sure our submitter wasn’t the only rubbernecking bystander on Facebook to feel pained by the awkwardness on display in this public wound-picking.

Dear “C”: A word of advice? Back away from your computer. Disconnect your WiFi. Channel your feelings into a Taylor Swift song or a six-pack or something. Unless, of course, you want to end up like this 20 years down the road…

C: I think that you never changed your relationship status from single during the 11 months we dated ought to have clued me in. Hope you're doing well. S: Either that, or you're on facebook even less than I am, and all of my profile info is a few years out of date. C: Well, as I happened to mention it a few times while we were dating, and as it would have taken you 30 seconds to change it, it still follows. However, we're not dating anymore, so I don't have to be hurt by your essential ambivalence toward the relationship anymore. Cheerio!

related: Another example of why you should never publish your relationship status on Facebook

Tags: ex drama · Facebook

The restaurant patrons from hell

January 18th, 2011 · 344 Comments

It was a the peak of the lunchtime rush, explains our submitter, a waitress at a busy Chili’s restaurant, and these customers made it clear early on that they weren’t happy with their meal. As you can see from the check, she says, “My manager already comped $18 dollars worth of food that they complained about” — not to mention that when the entrees were remade (for free), the customers ate every last bit — and enjoyed a free dessert as well.

“Apparently, that wasn’t enough, however,” our submitter says. At the end of the meal, “they were still charged for the appetizers they ordered (which they devoured and didn’t complain about),” but somehow they still felt morally superior enough to dine and dash. Adds our waitress: “Tipping may be optional, but walking out on your bill is still theft.”

Absolutely Horrible Service !! Therefore we are only paying half.

Meanwhile, this customer’s approach (as submitted by Thomas in Palo Alto), is just bad form. Homophone fail!

No tip cuz your a BITCH

related: A friendly tip from your waitress

Tags: restaurant · that's illegal · tipping