"This is for all the times I've stepped in your dogs' crap. Enjoy!"

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A nasty twist on “Man Bites Dog”

January 5th, 2011 · 71 comments

Dan in Melbourne says he saw this sign while riding along a North Fitzroy bike path, which runs parallel to a park. Says Dan: “Now, I’ve owned a dog and I know how they like to roll in stinky things, but this it taking it to a new, super gross level.”

More gross than your dog rolling in/eating some other dog’s shit? Or stepping in a fresh pile of it yourself? I’m not sure I’m convinced. (Not that humans should be exempt from proper poop-scooping etiquette, of course.)

Personally, I’d like to imagine this as a triumphant act of payback on the part of a score-settling colon cancer survivor. (“This is for all the times I’ve stepped in your dogs’ crap. Enjoy!!”)

related: Do you want a doggy bag?

FILED UNDER: dogs · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Melbourne · pleasantries as afterthought · shit · that's disgusting · Too good to be real?

71 responses so far ↓

#1 Izz

Magnificent, is what that is.

Jan 5, 2011 at 7:18 am rating: 90

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#2 TippingCows

How do they know that it’s a colostomy bag?

Once that’s verified, then you ask, “WHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

Jan 5, 2011 at 7:21 am rating: 90

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- #2.1 Ndawg
  
  How do they know colostomy bags can read?
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 7:47 am rating: 90
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#3 Jay

Gross.

Jan 5, 2011 at 7:24 am rating: 90

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#4 Nahhh

I don’t want to believe that anyone would actually leave a colostomy bag in a park, but they leave used condoms, dirty diapers, and bottles of pee in parks, why not colostomy bags? I mean…face it, some people are really forgetful.

Jan 5, 2011 at 7:55 am rating: 90

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- #4.1 The Elf
  
  Yes…. “Forgetful”…..
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 10:12 am rating: 90
- #4.2 Spitizen Kane
  
  I have an ostomy, and I have no freaking idea how or why someone could leave an entire full bag in anyplace like that. Perhaps someone dumped the *contents* of their bag (I have to do this every few hours), but I only change the bag about twice a week unless the seal starts to leak (which only happens once every couple of months). Even so, changing the bag takes a little more planning and equipment than peel-off-the-old-bag-and-slap-a-new-one-on. Even when my wife helps me, it still takes about 5-10 minutes, including getting the gear together and post-change cleanup.
  
  The only thing I can figure is that someone filled an ostomy bag with dog poop and dropped it there. And now that I think of that, I’m going to go do that to my asshole neighbor’s yard.
  
  Jan 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm rating: 90
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#5 Ash

I don’t think you’ve ever had to burp (due to a build up of gases) or change a colostomy bag. The contents of one of those bags is worse than anything you’d find in your toilet (including post taco bell). Since it doesn’t get the extra time in the large intestine the contents are super gross and stinky. It’s by far the most disgusting thing a dog could roll in or eat.

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:08 am rating: 90

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- #5.1 matt
  
  I’m not so sure. One dog nibbled off its diabetic owner’s foot in Michigan last year. As a nurse, I regularly smell colostomy bags and necrotic/diabetic, gangrenous legs. gangrenous feet win the gross award hands down, no contest. I’ve been in the job 5 yrs and the smell still makes me gag.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 9:10 am rating: 90
- #5.2 The Elf
  
  Do we really have to have a what smells worse contest before lunch?
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 10:13 am rating: 90
- #5.3 aaa
  
  Nope. It’s after lunch, so I think I’ll win with dissecting a cadaver with a not-properly-preserved limb. Rotting human flush + plasticy formalin stank + mold = A STENCH OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 9:34 pm rating: 90
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#6 unholyghost2003

presumably there are receptacles for dog waste on the trail and in the park why can’t the colostomy bags go in there?

This isn’t MORE gross than dog shit, but less understandable. If the dogs are allowed off leash in the park they will crap in random places and even vigilant owners may not be able to find every turd (compounded by the fact that at a distance it can be hard to tell if a female dog is shitting or pissing). PEOPLE HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS! Someone used their opposable thumbs to remove the colostomy bag, presumably attach a new one, and thought “What to do with this now? I know! I’ll throw it into those shrubs!”
At least I *hope* that is what happened. This whole thing takes a new, sick twist if they brought it from home.

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:09 am rating: 90

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- #6.1 clumber
  
  Something is seriously wrong with me. I am thumbing you solely for “What to do with this now? I know! I’ll throw it into those shrubs!”.
  
  Right. Off to the therapist for me then.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 2:56 pm rating: 90
- #6.2 clever name
  
  I dunno, I would be pissed x1000 with people shit. Dog shit…well that sucks but I wont have to kick some ass.
  
  Jan 7, 2011 at 11:44 am rating: 90
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#7 WhiteRoseMaiden

Haha “Do not Dump in Park” … I see what you did there. I laughed for a good minute on that one, keep up the good work passive aggressive people! <3

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:09 am rating: 90

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#8 fifi

My guess? An Australian cricket fan has literally lost his shit.

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:28 am rating: 90

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#9 Woman on the Verge

This is yet another reason I do not have a dog. Or a colostomy bag. But mostly a dog.

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:44 am rating: 90

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- #9.1 clumber
  
  And I have six dogs but no colostomy bags. *FSMWACDR
  The cats have a ~~shitter~~litterbox though… so that sort of counts.
  
  *Flying Spaghetti Monster willing, and the creek don’t rise.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 3:00 pm rating: 90
- #9.2 Odious
  
  thumbed for fresh FSMS
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 6:39 am rating: 90
- #9.3 Ash
  
  Dogs are too needy. And they eat this shit.
  
  Jan 9, 2011 at 6:40 pm rating: 90
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#10 GhostWriter

I would pay good money to see any dog, any size, actually get into a colostomy bag.

I would double that payment for any cat.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:10 am rating: 90

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- #10.1 clumber
  
  Would you need to see the cat do so in person, like AND NOW! IN THE CAGED RHOMBUS, IT’SSSSSS COLOSTOKITTY!!
  
  If a video is good enough, I may be willing to provide this entertainment… Oh Cessna? Here kittykittykitty….
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 3:02 pm rating: 90
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#11 The Grammarphile

Man, I hate it when stuff is just “too yuck.” (But at least this person’s attempting to be sympathetic about your ailment…)

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:16 am rating: 90

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#12 GhostWriter

There are better ways to get your bowel contents into someone else’s house.

All you have to do is take a dump in their bathroom, and by flushing, you send a veritable geyser of noxious fecal bacteria throughout the home’s entire air circulation system.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:18 am rating: 90

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- #12.1 bowloftoast
  
  I just use FedEx.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 10:50 am rating: 90
- #12.2 clumber
  
  Toast in a bowl? By itself? I am intrigued. Tell me more about this toast.
  Or did I misread Bow Loft O Ast?
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm rating: 90
- #12.3 hungrygrrl
  
  Bowl of toast? Sometimes I’ll cut my toast up into bits and put it in a bowl and then put a soft boiled egg on top and eat it with a fork.
  
  Or maybe milktoast?
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 8:10 pm rating: 90
- #12.4 aaa
  
  FECAL MIST. NEVER FORGET.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 9:36 pm rating: 90
- #12.5 WMDKitty
  
  @clumber — nobody mentioned toast, so IDK where you got “Toast in a Bowl” from. (I re-read the comment you replied to several times to be sure.)
  
  Speaking of toast, now I’m hungry.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 3:01 am rating: 90
- #12.6 WMDKitty
  
  *scrolls back up, JUST IN CASE*
  
  Disregard that, it’s a reference to another poster. -_-;
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 3:01 am rating: 90
- #12.7 Janellionaire
  
  Ok, would you rather someone smeared your pet with the contents of a colostomy bag and set it loose in your house, or did a number two in your bathroom and *gasp* flushed the toilet, releasing SKEERY GERMYS?
  
  Also, my house doesn’t even HAVE a fancy schmancy air circulation “system” so what now?
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 4:17 am rating: 90
- #12.8 Odious
  
  Saw Fecal Mist open for Marilyn Manson. Back in the day.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 6:41 am rating: 90
- #12.9 liddy
  
  Odious: that is too funny
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 7:18 am rating: 90
- #12.10 GhostWriter
  
  Janell, I have been raising pinworms in fresh human waste (for research studies) for several years now. The best way to stimulate growth in the pinworm is to allow it free range of movement,
  …so yes, I am quite comfortable smearing (as you say) my pets with human waste and setting them loose in my house; as I mentioned, it is for research purposes.
  
  Also, if you do not use an air circulation system to aerate your bathroom following toilet flushes, you risk getting pinworms in your eyes (from the lingering fecal mist)- it’s not at all pretty; you should check it out on YouTube.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 9:28 am rating: 90
- #12.11 Janellionaire
  
  Let me see if I have this right. Flushing the toilet with the fan on is bad, because fecal mist will circulate throughout your house, but flushing the toilet without the fan on is worse, because you will get pinworms of the eye?
  Guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a toilet. Good luck with your pin worm research!
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 12:45 pm rating: 90
- #12.12 GhostWriter
  
  You do have it right (for the most part.)
  BTW, there’s nothing inherently wrong with owning a toilet, but you should never, ever flush it.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 2:32 pm rating: 90
- #12.13 Liz
  
  Just curious: is an outhouse better than a flushing toilet?
  
  I haven’t used one since my last trip to Belize, but maybe it’s worth diggin’ in my backyard a bit, if I can avoid eye-pinworms.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 8:29 pm rating: 90
- #12.14 Russian
  
  can you close the lid when you flush to escape faecal mist and pinworms?
  
  nobody i know has a fan circulation system in their bathroom.
  
  Jan 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm rating: 90
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#13 The Elf

Not that I am supporting colostomy bag dumping, but I have to wonder about the dog owners. If they have them on a leash like they are supposed to, wouldn’t they know that their dog is getting into a colostomy bag?

I’ve never owned a dog but I did take care of a friend’s while she was on vacation. Perhaps I was just hypervigilant because it wasn’t my dog, but I knew when she found the deer scat and pulled her away before she rolled in it. When I walk my cat, I know when he’s found something interesting. His attitude totally changes. Sometimes “interesting” is merely an odd shaped blade of grass that he must now spend 5 minutes marking. But one time “interesting” was racoon scat and I pulled him away. Not a happy kitty.

I’m thinking that the note writer either doesn’t leash his dog or isn’t particularly observant. Either way, now you know people are disgusting and knowing is half the battle.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:20 am rating: 90

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- #13.1 unholyghost2003
  
  Not all parks, bike paths, or cities require leashes. If you let your apartment dwelling dog off leash (in an area that allows them to be off leash) for a game of fetch and they chase the tennis ball into a clump of bushes there is no way to know if it is taking them 30sec to return because they are searching for the ball or if it is because they are rolling in something gross. At least no way to know until they return, stinky, happy and with the ball.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 10:38 am rating: 90
- #13.2 The Elf
  
  Good point. My googlefu brought me to the Capital City bike trail, which is the only North Fitzroy bike path I could find. The site said nothing about leashing pets, which tells me that dogs can be unleashed. I guess I’m just used to my local nanny state, where the only place dogs can be unleashed is in your own backyard or a designated dog park.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 11:20 am rating: 90
- #13.3 unholyghost2003
  
  No worries! As a dog owner who travels with my dog I tend to be more aware of the variety of leash laws than I would ever expect a cat owner to be! You are right though, while I don’t condone the dumping of colostomy bags in parks, if leashes were required this would have to be filed in the “Your own damn fault you irresponsible dog owner!” category.
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 11:58 am rating: 90
- #13.4 clumber
  
  And I can tell you that some dogs are magic stealthy in their efforts to eat disgusting or verboten things. On leash or off. Back when I managed a boarding kennel we had a Dalmatian board with us that was basically allergic to air molecules. If she ate so much as a single kibble of non-special-dietary food she would break out in terrible oozing hives all over. Yet her owners signed her up for 2x a day “playtime” where my staff would take her out on leash for one-on-one play. It became clear quickly that there was no holding a leash tightly or short enough to prevent her from somehow finding the solitary spilled piece of kibble under the fridge or wherever. We finally ended up putting a muzzle on her for her walks.
  
  Yes, we had to muzzle her AND hold her lead so tightly that she could barely get her front feet on the floor. They don’t have opposable thumbs, but dogs do have a middle finger…
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 3:11 pm rating: 90
- #13.5 WMDKitty
  
  If the dog were properly trained, you wouldn’t have had to muzzle and short-leash it.
  
  I hate irresponsible dog owners.
  
  BTW, her owners? Complete dicks. I doubt the dog was actually allergic to the kibble, the owners just wanted to make sure you fed her the expensive brand-name food. I also call shenanigans on the “oozing hives” — hives don’t “ooze”, they just itch like crazy. If they were oozing, it was probably some gnarly skin infection.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 2:59 am rating: 90
- #13.6 Silence
  
  You’ve obviously never been around a dog with severe allergies. Yes, it can turn into “oozing hives.” They can get eczema just like people can, they can react with blisters just like people can.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 5:55 am rating: 90
- #13.7 clumber
  
  I swear, hand over heart, this Dal got oozing hives if she ate anything other than her special Rx food AND if she drank any water other than what they brought. I had never before, or since, seen such a severe allergy. She would break out this way in a matter of an hour from exposure.
  
  And actually, she was a very well-trained dog, but was frantic about food. Once she was outside away from where she thought she could find noms, she was great. The only redeeming feature aside from that is that she was spayed, thank goodness. Now if her sire and dam were? That would be outside my knowledge realm, but I hope so.
  
  And btw, my dogs are very well-trained, all have multiple advanced titles blah blah blah, but if I let my attention wonder for a split second as we walk past a garbage can (or as they consider them “The magical NOM MACHINE!”) they will lunge for and often find something edible to steal. No matter how well trained, they remain dogs.
  
  In the future perhaps a PAN will arise that spurs the story of how my Mona dog (<– over there in the avatar) who is a certified therapy dog as well as a titled Senior Hunter came within hours of dying due to finding part of a dead trout and either rolling in it or eating some in the 5 seconds between her finding it and my calling her off of it.
  
  I shudder at the thought of them getting into colostomy bags or diapers… I think we'd have to sell the car we bring them home in….
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 7:26 am rating: 90
- #13.8 Canthz_B
  
  My Rocky won’t eat anything outside, but he’ll try to lick just about anything of a liquid nature I suspect any other dog has deposited…then drool as if he has rabies.
  
  Inside, the garbage is safe, as is any plate with food on it on a low table, that is as long as someone is at home.
  Take a short trip to take out the trash or get the mail, however, and whatever was left on that plate is fair game in his eyes.
  
  A colostomy bag? He wouldn’t eat it or roll in it, but as he is a Retriever, it would probably become a “gift” for me.
  
  Thanks, Rock, but no thanks.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 8:08 am rating: 90
- #13.9 GhostWriter
  
  That was no trout- it was obviously a pufferfish.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 9:31 am rating: 90
- #13.10 ISpy
  
  I know I’m late to the party, but people, I’m back at 13.0…
  
  Elf, you walk your CAT?
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 4:42 pm rating: 90
- #13.11 unholyghost2003
  
  yeah, plates of food on low tables are safe (even if we are not home) the trash is safe 99% of the time (she gets the occasional wild hair but it is rare) and my Guinni showed a general aversion to animal droppings (a quick sniff then she would shake her head and walk away). She avoided rolling in stinky things so we were not concerned about her running around my in-laws farm … well it turns out her ONE exception to her anti-poop rule is horse apples. Yeah. Living in the city, this came as a bit of a surprise. I wonder if other well trained dogs who normally don’t roll might not make an exception for colostomy bags, a very unpleasant surprise indeed!
  
  As far as the Dal, corn allergies are pretty common in dogs (esp. highly bred dogs like Dalmatians) and corn is a common filler ingredient in dog foods. If an allergic dog eats a dog food with corn they can get symptoms just like any symptom a person with a food allergy might get if they accidentally ate that food (Restricted breathing, hives, oozing sores, swelling). Training can help but if the dog REALLY LIKES the taste of corn (and it might, despite the allergy) trying to keep the dog away from forbidden kibble is like trying to keep a lactose intolerant 3 year old out of the ice cream at a Dairy Queen birthday party.
  
  Jan 7, 2011 at 8:06 am rating: 90
- #13.12 The Elf
  
  Yes, I Spy, I walk my cat. One of them, anyway. He likes to go outside but it’s not safe for him. So, over time, we trained him to a harness and leash so he knows that the only way he gets to go outside is on the leash. He actually begs for it now.
  
  Walking a cat is not like walking a dog. You aren’t leading the animal anywhere and he doesn’t have to do “his business”. About the only thing you are doing is keeping him out of trouble. It involves a lot of standing as he marks the same tree over and over and over…..
  
  I think this cat might actually be a dog soul in the wrong body.
  
  Jan 7, 2011 at 9:13 am rating: 90
- #13.13 April
  
  Good for you for not letting your cat wander around outside alone. Keeps the cat safe and doesn’t bother your neighbors. I am all for more people learning to walk their cats instead of letting them roam.
  
  Jan 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm rating: 90
- #13.14 mydogsmom
  
  I applaud anyone who keeps their cats inside. I just literally rescued a cat who was starving and appeared at my door. I found him a good home after nursing him back to health ($100 in vet bills) and then after feeding him so he doubled his weight I then had him neutered and vaccinated, another $100. The new owners reimbursed me for the second vet trip and I am happy knowing he is indoors and if he gets out, he won’t get sick or make more kittens. I love the “country” but people here are sure stupid about animals.
  
  Jan 9, 2011 at 8:56 pm rating: 90
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#14 shwo!

I’m making “Colostomy Bags!!” my new interjection of choice.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:25 am rating: 90

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- #14.1 clumber
  
  BHAHAHAHAA… the ad at the top of my browser is for “Liberty Medical. All Leading ostomy brands”
  
  Go Go Google Ads! Stay sweet!
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 3:13 pm rating: 90
- #14.2 WMDKitty
  
  I prefer Belgium, myself.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 2:55 am rating: 90
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#15 wangston

i used to work next to a homeless shelter. we used to call colostomy litter “street shakes”.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:51 am rating: 90

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#16 knittykat

Dude, I am really hard to gross out and I went “Eurrrggghhhh!” out loud at that one.

Yikes.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:55 am rating: 90

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#17 shwo!

Also, at first glance I thought this was a sale flyer:

Colostomy Bags!!
Everything Must Go!!
No Returns!!

Jan 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm rating: 90

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#18 lupanime

WHY YOU COLOSTOMY BAGS DUMP IN PARK?
I HAVE DOGS GET INTO THEM! YOU OK?
FUCK YOU GUY! OKAY!
THE CONTENTS OF YOUR BOWELS ON MY PRIVATES AGAIN?
NO!
TOO YUCK YOU

Jan 5, 2011 at 3:09 pm rating: 90

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#19 Madrias

Simply
Gross!

Jan 5, 2011 at 3:24 pm rating: 90

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#20 Lori Vee

That colostomy bag was fucking delicious.

Jan 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm rating: 90

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- #20.1 Divvitar
  
  Get ‘em WotV!
  
  Jan 5, 2011 at 5:54 pm rating: 90
- #20.2 Canthz_B
  
  Lori Vee, I hope you said that with a shit-eating grin on your face. Please exhale downwind of the rest of us.
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 7:52 am rating: 90
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#21 Divvitar

It is just offal to leave solid waste in this manner. Don’t evacuate the park without your bag!

Jan 5, 2011 at 5:53 pm rating: 90

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#22 WMDKitty

EWWWWWW.

Jan 5, 2011 at 11:48 pm rating: 90

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#23 Canthz_B

Dean Vaughn was right. -ostomy really is short for “Oh, stop Tommy!” as he creates a new opening…or dumps his poopies in the park.

Jan 6, 2011 at 6:49 am rating: 90

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#24 Nunavut Guy

Man if I had me a supply of full c+bags I’d be tripping over myself to get to the weekly “retailers vs servers “soft ball game. A quick splash of white paint……………….

I would then pray that Danielle is called safe after diving face first into first base.

Jan 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm rating: 90

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- #24.1 Spitizen Kane
  
  They don’t come cheap if you have to buy them retail. Depending on size, features and manufacturer, they can cost about 5-10 USD *apiece.*
  
  If you really want some, though, go here and request samples.
  
  http://www.hollister.com/
  
  Jan 11, 2011 at 4:27 pm rating: 90
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#25 InYourSleep

And people wonder why I’m a dogless catperson. (Yes, “dogless” had to be specified)

Jan 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm rating: 90

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#26 Spitizen Kane

Oh, yes. One more thing.

Apparently this person would be cool with it if I emptied the contents of my *ileostomy* bag in the park. There are no bowel contents involved, since I haven’t *got* a bowel any longer. It’s straight from the small intestine (ileum) to the bag for me.

Not all ostomy bags are used for colostomies.

Carry on.

Jan 11, 2011 at 8:52 pm rating: 90

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