Is your toilet acting up again? Has your plumber already thrown up his hands and said he’s done everything he can? Perhaps it’s time you turned to Dr. Josiah Carberry, foremost expert in psychoceramics, to determine what’s really got your pot cracked.
Just take a look at these real-life examples:
1. Diagnosis: Irritable Bowl Syndrome
2. Diagnosis: Gross motor skill impairment
3. Diagnosis: Projection and Displacement behaviors potentially indicative of a narcissistic personality type…or too many episodes of The Sopranos
(Thanks to Adam in New York, Janet in Northern Virginia, and Tamie in Tampa for their submissions…and apologies to any readers offended by the excessive use of puns.)
related: Five reasons to be glad you’re not a plumber
32 responses so far ↓
#1
Silence
Ah, the life of a toilet. At the worst, it’s pretty crappy…at the best, it’s the same kind thing, over and over, around and around.
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:13 pm rating: 25
#2
FeRD
I envision toilet #2 as that uncoordinated kid on the softball team, cowering at third and praying the pitcher doesn’t let any men on base.
(I was so that kid.)
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm rating: 6
#3
Miri
That is some serious potty mouth! LOL
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm rating: 2
#4
Cindy Plomp
Please don´t throw anything but toilet paper into my bowl… ? So I should take a dump next to it, wipe myself and throw the paper in? Confusing.
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm rating: 7
#5
Jay
Whatever, toilet. Eat shit.
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm rating: 21
#6
Lisa
I go to the Caribbean a lot and usually they have signs up asking you not to throw toilet paper into the bowl, especially if you are on a boat. It seems kind of gross and it’s really hard to remember so I only do it about half the time b/c it is hard to break a lifetime habits you use 51 weeks out of the year.
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm rating: 0
#7
Canthz_B
Time to hire a Head shrinker.
Jan 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm rating: 7
#8
Canthz_B
Of course the life of a toilet is extremely stressful.
People are always dumping on them. They take a lot of shit, you know.
No wonder they get pissy after a while.
Jan 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm rating: 24
#9
Divvitar
What a load of crap!
Jan 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm rating: 1
#10
AuntyBron
Impersonating a toilet – yet another thing that should be illegal.
Jan 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm rating: 9
#11
Clevegal42
If the toilet keeps protesting like that, the plunger is going to leave it once and for all for the tub. Then she’ll ask for paper towels, hand towels, racks of lamb…really anything to be flushed down so the plunger will come back.
Jan 16, 2011 at 7:33 pm rating: 5
#12
Jesse
Does it eat electronic devices?
Jan 16, 2011 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
#13
bob loblaw
Attention Ladies
no ‘female products’ in the toilet means please shit on the floor
Mgt
Jan 16, 2011 at 8:19 pm rating: 3
#14
cizzerhand
Yeah, “Please”(if that is your real name), quit throwing things to toilet!
Jan 16, 2011 at 10:28 pm rating: 3
#15
Divvitar
If the toilet is leaving notes, you better keep it clean and serviced! You never know when it might be packing!
Jan 16, 2011 at 11:43 pm rating: 1
#16
Graham
Ah the joy of the toilet, I’ve seen many types. Correction, sat on, squatted over and straddled many types. The Germans have this lovely model with a platform so you can inspect the log before flushing. I had great fun squatting over a hole on a train in Cambodia, you had to sort of aim and drop during the less violent shakes of the railcar. I’ve also on a plank with a bum sized hole mounted over the edge of a cliff. The turd would drop about 50ft to land with a splat on the fly infested mound below.
Never understood the bog paper thing though. If it can cope with my massive log how come it can’t manage a square of tissue paper?
Jan 17, 2011 at 2:29 am rating: 2
#17
Whoot
On first read of #3 on my tiny BB screen I didn’t scroll all the way down and it read “baby wipes, napkins, or any female.” End of sentence…Products sincerely, the toilet”. Where the hell do I flush my females then, oh sincere products? Where??
Jan 17, 2011 at 9:30 am rating: 3
#18
Jamie
Wow. It’s rare to see a reference to Prof. Carberry on a non-Friday the 13th.
Go bears!
Jan 17, 2011 at 9:47 am rating: 10
#19
red velvet
If your toilet can’t handle paper, it’s time to invest in some better plumbing.
Jan 17, 2011 at 10:59 am rating: 2
#20
Brown11
yeahhhh brown!
Jan 17, 2011 at 4:00 pm rating: 6
#21
Madrias
The first one’s just begging for someone to extricate that note from the holder and leave it floating in the toilet.
Jan 18, 2011 at 10:50 pm rating: 0
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