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Diagnosis: Toilet (an exercise in psychoceramics)

January 16th, 2011 · 32 comments

Is your toilet acting up again? Has your plumber already thrown up his hands and said he’s done everything he can? Perhaps it’s time you turned to Dr. Josiah Carberry, foremost expert in psychoceramics, to determine what’s really got your pot cracked.

Just take a look at these real-life examples:

1. Diagnosis: Irritable Bowl Syndrome

Plea from a Toilet: The life of a toilet is much more stressful than people realize...  Please don't throw anything but toilet paper into my bowl. I just can't handle it right now.

2. Diagnosis: Gross motor skill impairment

Do not throw anything to toilet "please"

3. Diagnosis: Projection and Displacement behaviors potentially indicative of a narcissistic personality type…or too many episodes of The Sopranos

Take care of me and I will take care of you. I don't eat paper towels, baby wipes, napkins, or any female products. Sincerely, The Toilet.

(Thanks to Adam in New York, Janet in Northern Virginia, and Tamie in Tampa for their submissions…and apologies to any readers offended by the excessive use of puns.)

related: Five reasons to be glad you’re not a plumber

FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · kinda creepy · toilet · unnecessary "quotation marks"

32 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Silence

    Ah, the life of a toilet. At the worst, it’s pretty crappy…at the best, it’s the same kind thing, over and over, around and around.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:13 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #2   FeRD bang

    I envision toilet #2 as that uncoordinated kid on the softball team, cowering at third and praying the pitcher doesn’t let any men on base.

    (I was so that kid.)

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Gladystopia

      Heh heh heh…you said “#2″.

      Jan 16, 2011 at 10:23 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #3   Miri

    That is some serious potty mouth! LOL

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   Cindy Plomp

    Please don´t throw anything but toilet paper into my bowl… ? So I should take a dump next to it, wipe myself and throw the paper in? Confusing.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Turd Ferguson

      lol…”Plomp” that’s a funny name, and I should know

      Jan 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   Jay

    Whatever, toilet. Eat shit.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #6   Lisa

    I go to the Caribbean a lot and usually they have signs up asking you not to throw toilet paper into the bowl, especially if you are on a boat. It seems kind of gross and it’s really hard to remember so I only do it about half the time b/c it is hard to break a lifetime habits you use 51 weeks out of the year.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Time to hire a Head shrinker.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Of course the life of a toilet is extremely stressful.

    People are always dumping on them. They take a lot of shit, you know.
    No wonder they get pissy after a while.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

  • #9   Divvitar

    What a load of crap!

    Jan 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   AuntyBron

    Impersonating a toilet – yet another thing that should be illegal.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #11   Clevegal42

    If the toilet keeps protesting like that, the plunger is going to leave it once and for all for the tub. Then she’ll ask for paper towels, hand towels, racks of lamb…really anything to be flushed down so the plunger will come back.

    Jan 16, 2011 at 7:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   Jesse

    Does it eat electronic devices?

    Jan 16, 2011 at 8:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   SiulaGrande bang

      It renders them powerless, like inviting a vampire into your house will render *you* powerless.

      Jan 19, 2011 at 11:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   bob loblaw

    Attention Ladies

    no ‘female products’ in the toilet means please shit on the floor


    Jan 16, 2011 at 8:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #14   cizzerhand

    Yeah, “Please”(if that is your real name), quit throwing things to toilet!

    Jan 16, 2011 at 10:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Sonya

      Yeah, listen, Colonel Bat Guano, if that is your real name…

      Jan 20, 2011 at 10:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #15   Divvitar

    If the toilet is leaving notes, you better keep it clean and serviced! You never know when it might be packing!

    Jan 16, 2011 at 11:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   Graham

    Ah the joy of the toilet, I’ve seen many types. Correction, sat on, squatted over and straddled many types. The Germans have this lovely model with a platform so you can inspect the log before flushing. I had great fun squatting over a hole on a train in Cambodia, you had to sort of aim and drop during the less violent shakes of the railcar. I’ve also on a plank with a bum sized hole mounted over the edge of a cliff. The turd would drop about 50ft to land with a splat on the fly infested mound below.

    Never understood the bog paper thing though. If it can cope with my massive log how come it can’t manage a square of tissue paper?

    Jan 17, 2011 at 2:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   jadefirefly

      That’s what I never understood, either. Feminine products and paper towels, sure. They don’t break down as easily / as much / at all.

      But toilet paper? Doesn’t get much flimsier than toilet paper. What toilet can handle a big ol’ turd, but not flimsy TP that falls apart if it even sees water?

      Jan 17, 2011 at 5:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Kathy

      Well, for one, my turds don’t always go down either. Damn low-flow toilets! So a wad of paper? Sure, that’s a problem too. It’s not a problem if you send it down a square at a time, but what dumbass does that? You ball it up first and that’s why it gets stuck. Geesh.

      Jan 17, 2011 at 1:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   Whoot bang

    On first read of #3 on my tiny BB screen I didn’t scroll all the way down and it read “baby wipes, napkins, or any female.” End of sentence…Products sincerely, the toilet”. Where the hell do I flush my females then, oh sincere products? Where??

    Jan 17, 2011 at 9:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #18   Jamie

    Wow. It’s rare to see a reference to Prof. Carberry on a non-Friday the 13th.

    Go bears!

    Jan 17, 2011 at 9:47 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Banksy

      Yeah, the Carberry reference made me go, “Whaaa–?”

      Did one (or both) of the owners of this site go to Brown?

      Go Bruno!

      Jan 17, 2011 at 7:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #19   red velvet

    If your toilet can’t handle paper, it’s time to invest in some better plumbing.

    Jan 17, 2011 at 10:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Russian

      But nobody told Sandra that!

      Jan 17, 2011 at 1:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   Brown11

    yeahhhh brown!

    Jan 17, 2011 at 4:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Brown09

      Ever true!

      Jan 17, 2011 at 11:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   Canthz_B bang

      While Brown is a great university (in no way shitty…my sister is Brown78), Brown is an unfortunate name for a school and just begging for jokes!

      Jan 17, 2011 at 11:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   FeRD bang

      Common RPI Hockey cheer during games vs. Brown (we’d get a bit of a rivalry-ish thing going, but never really invested enough for it to get interesting):

      “What’s the color of dog shit? …”

      Jan 20, 2011 at 6:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   Madrias

    The first one’s just begging for someone to extricate that note from the holder and leave it floating in the toilet.

    Jan 18, 2011 at 10:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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