To me, this note is like that scene about 17 minutes into an episode of Law & Order, when the detectives run into an overly-talkative building manager and ask him he’s seen anything suspicious lately. Then, inevitably, the guy says something like, “Well, now that you mention it, ’bout two days ago, one of the residents tried to burn some old bloody clothes in that fireplace over dere. I guess the guy wasn’t too smaht, cause he didn’t figure out that fireplace ain’t real. You know, it’s just for show.”
related: When sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately.
42 responses so far ↓
#1
Nunavut Guy
Okay,I’m calling B.S on this one,Nobody is that inept.
Jan 17, 2011 at 5:41 pm rating: 2
#2
shwo!
Phase 2: The next time this person does their laundry, replace their clothes in the dryer with a pile of ashes and leave a new note:
“I regret to inform you that this is, in fact, a fireplace, and that your attempt to dry your clothes has succeeded a bit too well. Kindly sweep up your ashes and dispose them properly.”
Jan 17, 2011 at 8:24 pm rating: 115
#3
Smiley4099
So if it wasn’t the maid…The butler wrote it!
Jan 17, 2011 at 9:46 pm rating: 11
#4
Nack
Or, it was an extremely pissed off girlfriend. I hear they do that these days. Bonus points for it being a fake fireplace and having someone say it needed to be disposed of properly!
Jan 17, 2011 at 9:48 pm rating: 1
#5
Silence
UGH.
Nothing says chintz like plastic logs with an orange lightbulb behind them.
Jan 17, 2011 at 9:58 pm rating: 3
#6
bec
Please post a picture of the faux fireplace, I am dying to know if it actually looks ‘fake’. Oh please let it be one with an image of a flame on a piece of cardboard.
Jan 17, 2011 at 10:01 pm rating: 9
#7
farcical aquatic ceremony
I just wish this note had been written ‘by’ the fireplace…
“To whom it may concern,
I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fake fireplace–this is an Executive Suites, not the Mandarin Oriental!–and that your attempt to burn your funky, vomit- and blood-stained old clothes by lighting them with your Bic and tossing them onto my plastic logs has failed. Kindly remove your stanky-ass belongings from atop my RealFlame Light (c), and dispose of them properly.
Regretfully yours,
Not a real fireplace, just a shame-filled wannabe
Jan 17, 2011 at 10:42 pm rating: 13
#8
Canthz_B
I bet OJ is glad he had a real, fully-functioning fireplace in his Brentwood Estate.
I know I’m happy I have one right now.
Anyone seen my other glove?
Jan 17, 2011 at 11:18 pm rating: 5
#9
Canthz_B
What a horrible way to view the poor fake fireplace.
They should be building its self-esteem by reassuring it that it is indeed a real fake fireplace, not trying to tear at its soul by pointing out its shortcomings in this callous manner.
Fake fireplace, I love you. You give light, comfort and a romantic atmosphere…if not temperatures high enough to set cotton fiber alight.
Keep up the good work.
Jan 17, 2011 at 11:46 pm rating: 16
#10
AuntyBron
I say turn the clothing over to the cops and let the crime lab collect trace evidence. The guy was trying to burn his clothes for a reason.
Just sayin’
Jan 18, 2011 at 12:25 am rating: 4
#11
Jon
I don’t understand the concept of a fake fireplace. Why would someone build one that isn’t good for anything?
Jan 18, 2011 at 9:17 am rating: 2
#12
JChief
“Not the Maid” = Everybody else
Talk about going out on a limb…
Jan 18, 2011 at 10:10 am rating: 0
#13
GhostWriter
So the Grinch,
in the grinchiest way that he could,
snuck on up to the fireplace
to steal the Who’s wood.
But the wood there was plastic,
“This fireplace’s a sham!”
Sneered the Grinch,
as he gobbled a slice of Who Ham.
“I know what I’ll do!”
said the Grinch like a bully.
“I’ll say their fake fireplace
won’t dry their clothes fully-”
“Then I’ll bunch up their stockings
and mittens and coats,
and insist that they throw them away,
with a note!”
“…and those Who’s will be wondrin’
why their clothes are still damp!”
Then the Grinch grabbed their clothes,
threw them down and did tramp
on the socks, and the stockings,
the coats and the mittens.
Then he wrote out his note:
“Here’s your clothes Whos-
Come git them!“
Jan 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm rating: 3
#14
Frankie
I have 2 fake fireplaces and 1 real one (there’s a reason, but it takes a bit to explain and I must focus to try and stay on topic). One of them is made by the amish, another by the chinese, and the third by some crap contractor from sapulpa. I can’t even get into the fake firey part of the fake ones to even try them out on my clothes, but I have burned a shirt in the real one before. OU kicked OSU’s ass in the bedlam football game and an OSU shirt had to be burned in celebration. I laughed my evil little ass off. Anyhow, I would have liked to see a picture of this ultra realistic looking fake fireplace along with the note as I have a blanket here that needs burning that I could try and shove in through my monitor.
Jan 18, 2011 at 3:58 pm rating: 0
#15
GhostWriter
It reads like a really lame self-penned alibi by the maid.
“I’ve chopped up the master’s body and fed him to the dogs, but what of his clothes? I got it; I’ll set them over by the fake fireplace… wait, I’d better write a note explaining the he set his clothes over there, hmmm, and I ‘d better throw everyone off the trail with a completely incorrect signature…”
Jan 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm rating: 2
#16
Mel K
Maybe they were really drunk that thought it was the laundry bin. I’m sure that we’ve all woken up after a big night and found that we’d put things in weird places.
Still does not explain the need for this note, not that that ever stopped anyone from writing a PAN. Was this in an apartment lobby?
Jan 18, 2011 at 6:18 pm rating: 0
#17
fish
I’m hoping that this took place in Britain, and that the “bloody” is an expression of exasperation, rather than a description of the clothes’ blood-soaked state… If someone is trying to destroy blood-soaked clothes in a fire, that’s ALWAYS a bad sign…
Feb 28, 2011 at 4:41 pm rating: 0
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