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But…but…if your relationship was never public on Facebook, did it ever really exist?

January 19th, 2011 · 49 comments

You can be sure our submitter wasn’t the only rubbernecking bystander on Facebook to feel pained by the awkwardness on display in this public wound-picking.

Dear “C”: A word of advice? Back away from your computer. Disconnect your WiFi. Channel your feelings into a Taylor Swift song or a six-pack or something. Unless, of course, you want to end up like this 20 years down the road…

C: I think that you never changed your relationship status from single during the 11 months we dated ought to have clued me in. Hope you're doing well. S: Either that, or you're on facebook even less than I am, and all of my profile info is a few years out of date. C: Well, as I happened to mention it a few times while we were dating, and as it would have taken you 30 seconds to change it, it still follows. However, we're not dating anymore, so I don't have to be hurt by your essential ambivalence toward the relationship anymore. Cheerio!

related: Another example of why you should never publish your relationship status on Facebook

FILED UNDER: ex drama · Facebook

49 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Alison

    THIS is hilarious. And sad.

    Jan 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #2   Michelle

    time to take someone off their friend list

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:07 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #3   farcical aquatic ceremony

    I’m way too sensitive to navigate the waters of Fbook…just the fact that he identifies himself as The Facebook (baseball) ‘Play-uh’, while she’s the bun-haired, denim-look long skirt-wearin’ chick whose sizeable butt never leaves the vicinity of her computer makes me sad…
    : (

    ; )

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:07 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Janellionaire

      I don’t think this is how they define themselves, those are just replacement pictures to conceal their identities.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 1:28 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #4   FeRD bang

    Aaaaand this is why I’ve been single for more than a decade now.


    ([Small voice] Yes. Yes, that’s why. It has to be! …Doesn’t it?)

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:09 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Nunavut Guy

      And the double thumbs…….

      Jan 19, 2011 at 8:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Russian

      *I* want double thumbs.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 9:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Nunavut Guy

      If you have double opposable thumbs do they cancel each other out?

      Jan 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Liz

      Trust me, double thumbs are QUITE useful.

      (Still can’t figure out why I’m single … but at least I’m popular!)

      Jan 20, 2011 at 8:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   me

    i had an ex boyfriend pull this on me. so annoying. now my relationship box is hidden, and will remain so, even if i get married (feel free to shot me if i ever consider getting married!)

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Russian

      I’m all for the ‘no relationship status’ idea, because it actually posts on your newsfeed when you break up with someone! I mean, at least people don’t keep asking you ‘hey, how’s dave?’ when they meet you for the first time in a while and haven’t heard yet, but seriously. Way to broadcast your lonely self.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 9:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #6   Adam

    But… but… she already had the perfect picture of a car with a just married sign and tin cans for after the wedding.

    Also was that clipart the original profile pics or is that jsut to cover up their faces? Inquiring minds must know.

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Q

      I’m the submitter. The clipart was my own addition to protect the (incredibly socially awkward) parties involved.

      Jan 19, 2011 at 8:41 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   GhostWriter bang

      I’m the baseball player. Her definition of an “11-month relationship” is based on the fact that we double-dated back in the summer of ’09, and saw “Land of the Lost’ with her sister and boyfriend. I actually thought I was supposed to be paired with her sister through the whole movie, but then the text messages and Facebook pokes started.

      For my birthday, she bought me a gun rack. I keep telling her, “We broke up ten months ago. Are you mental? Get the net!”

      Jan 20, 2011 at 9:38 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #7   Rebekah

    Oh, brother!

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #8   frogfactory

    I think it’s sweet they’re still facebook friends, at least!

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   Nunavut Guy

    “C” says she only thinks that he never changed his status.If it were that important I would think that she would be sure.

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   Jonathan

    That fucking wasn’t delicious.

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:44 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #11   katerinawit

    @me. Don’t make me shot you.

    Jan 19, 2011 at 8:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #12   Turd Ferguson

    I shot the sheriff but I didn’t shot the deputy

    Jan 19, 2011 at 9:05 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #13   EmailsThatSuck

    Since the notewriter didn’t specify what conclusion this clue should have led her to, I like to fill in the blanks and re-read the exchange.

    -”Ought to have clued me in to the fact you were a zombie who just wanted me for my brains.”
    -”Ought to have clued me in to the fact that you are actually a housecat who learned to use the internet.”
    -”Ought to have clued me in to the fact that you knew you were my cousin long before I did.”

    Jan 19, 2011 at 10:25 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   GhostWriter bang

      -”Ought to have clued me in to the fact that you exist only as a subconscious persona within my own schizophrenic mind.”

      -”Ought to have clued me in to the fact that you are not the man that my Sicilian crime family has chosen for me.”

      -”Ought to have clued me in to the fact that even though I repeatedly offered my nubile firstyear body to you, I am still not going to pass Humanities without completing a term paper.”

      Jan 20, 2011 at 2:28 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #14   oi bang

    C: Blah. Blah.You are such an asshole. Blah. Blah.

    Hope you’re doing well.

    S: I understand you resent me, here is explanation that will let you back out with little bit of dignity.

    C: Well, I am too hurt to back out. I insist that you are an asshole. I am going to pretend that its not biggie to save my dignity. I stil insist that you are an asshole though. Cheerio!

    Jan 19, 2011 at 10:29 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   aloo gobi

      If her facts are correct and they where dating for 11 months and she mentioned the status thing several times he is sort of an a-hole.
      What we don’t know is whether she changed her status. Doesn’t he have to approve her posting that she is in a relationship with him? Wouldn’t that be a enough of a hint for him to do something? If she never changed her status, her complaint is ridiculous.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 12:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Calizen bang

      Because a relationship isn’t serious or committed until both parties change their Facebook status, amirite?

      Jan 20, 2011 at 6:49 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   Mel K

      If I am not on facebook, and therefore clearly haven’t announced to facebookworld that I am married, does that mean it isn’t valid and I am single? Just asking, the weekend is coming up and all.
      There’s still time to clip the toenails.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   cinc

      @Mel K:
      Just snorted coffee out my nose reading that. Best. Comment. EVAH.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #15   butt

    C could have changed their relationship status too. If S declined that, then there might be a point…

    Jan 20, 2011 at 12:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   Divvitar

    Why do I have a sudden craving for Cheerios?

    Jan 20, 2011 at 1:28 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #17   KJS

    Why I find this to be depressing: These people are probably not in junior high.

    I don’t know if Facebook has ruined the world or simply revealed the ruin that is the world.

    Jan 20, 2011 at 4:27 am   rating: 46  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Humid Hockey

      Gotta go with the latter on that one, unfortunately.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 8:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Rattus

      Yep, definitely revealed the ruin.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 8:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   RP

      “The Ruin That Is The World” would be an good name for an album. Possibly a book on climate change.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 11:24 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.4   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      Oh, are you surprised that people get emotional about break ups? Because, yeah, now that you mention it, that is kind of new on the scene.

      Jan 21, 2011 at 11:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   Slap Stick

    I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation for not changing his status.

    He probably didn’t want to stay with this girl that long and didn’t want to appear taken to his more desirable female facebook friends that he actually wanted to be with.

    Jan 20, 2011 at 8:36 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Scribbles the Monkey bang

      No sense voluntarily tying yourself down to some slug who you’re only with temporarily to satisfy your sexual needs…

      Jan 21, 2011 at 11:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #19   AMR

    Here’s what I don’t understand. S seems to claim that he does not go on facebook often, yet it took him less than 24 hours to come up with that lame excuse.

    Jan 20, 2011 at 9:34 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   zbird

      I hardly ever go on facebook, but I receive an email whenever someone posts on my wall. I can send an email back in response to it which also posts on my wall; all of this happens in my email on my blackberry without ever “going on” facebook. So yeah, it’s not really all that surprising.

      Jan 22, 2011 at 2:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   G

      Not buying it….

      Jan 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   divaandwriter bang

    I get a feeling that the biggest clue to the fact that he didn’t want to be chained to her was when he spotted her coming up the street, ducked and ran.

    Jan 20, 2011 at 9:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #21   Kyle

    Dear C,

    If you’d put half the effort into the actual relationship that you did obsessing about whether or not a bunch of people you don’t care enough about to talk to in real life are aware of/impressed by the fact that you have a boyfriend… maybe you’d still have one.

    Ta ta!


    Jan 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #22   RG

    Re: “I don’t know if facebook has ruined the world or simply revealed the ruin that is the world.”

    Is this yours? If so, bravo. If not, could you cite?

    Jan 20, 2011 at 1:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   KJS

      Thanks. As far as I know, it’s mine.

      Jan 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   Spooky

    I HATE the Facebook relationship status. If it’s not on Facebook, is it not legitimate? Does that give both parties license to do whatever the hell they want? I really wish Facebook didn’t have this feature. I just don’t display my status.

    Jan 20, 2011 at 8:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   The Elf

      I just don’t have a Facebook account. I’m sure that makes me a social retard, but it’s totally worth it to avoid this kind of “drama”.

      Jan 21, 2011 at 8:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   RP

      I consider myself lucky that most of my FB friends don’t take the statuses that seriously.

      I do have a relative who for some reason considered it an absolute necessity for everyone to say how they were related to all our other relatives on FB. “OMG, YOU HAVE TO JOIN THIS GROUP I MADE FOR THE FAMILY!! DO IT NOW!”

      I’m not even talking about a grandma here. A woman in her late 20s just randomly having a shit fit over all the relatives needing to be FB friends with each other.

      She eventually lost interest but I was seriously thinking about dropping the whole thing for a minute there.

      Jan 21, 2011 at 12:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   Walker, "Tex" (a stranger) bang

    Let’s see, I got married before facebook existed.
    So that means the marriage doesn’t actually count.
    Therefore I don’t really have to pay for the divorce.
    Life just got a little brighter.

    Jan 21, 2011 at 9:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #25   Miss Ash

    I *heart* passive aggressive FB conversations. Like watching a train wreck.

    Jan 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   Canthz_B bang

    No wonder my wife is always pissed off!

    I’d better change my profile on right away.

    All those flirts must me driving her mad!!

    Jan 24, 2011 at 7:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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