After a night of heavy drinking, Dani in Baltimore woke up with a killer hangover that turned positively murderous when she noticed that her bottle of Gatorade — which she’d been saving in anticipation of her post-hangover re-hydration needs — was missing from the fridge.
Assuming her husband must have taken it, Dani quickly dashed off this exclamation-point-heavy tirade (which, of course, is “passive” only in the sense that she chose to sit down at the keyboard instead of going straight for the butcher knife).
A few hours later, however, says Dani, “I remembered that I had actually drunkenly finished the bottle of Gatorade the night before, in an attempt to avoid said hangover. Oops!”
I’m hoping this little “oops” was a come-to-Jesus moment for Dani that showed her the error of note-writing ways, but if not…well, Dani’s husband: consider yourself warned. Because seriously, this is America, not another planet!
related: You are on Uncle Paul’s list!
133 responses so far ↓
#1
se
wow, now it’s planet America
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:19 pm rating: 90
#2
raevynne
wow, pms much?
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:20 pm rating: 90
#3
Angela
I hope it was a come-to-Jesus moment in that she realized if she’s that forgetful when she’s drunk and especially that bad-tempered when she’s hung over, she might take a long hard look at how much she’s drinking. But that’s just me.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm rating: 90
#4
ANkh
Hopefully this submission to PAN was a form of penance.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:23 pm rating: 90
#5
Sandi
No pithy comments – just thinking about what a joy she must be to live with.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:24 pm rating: 90
#6
Nahhh
To Dani’s Husband: Run. Run far. Run fast. I hope to god you had a pre-nup. Just RUN.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:26 pm rating: 90
#7
rob
what does her husband have to say about this is what i would like to know. she just sounds aggressive and scary and he ought not be dumb enough to wake next to her while she’s consuming.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:29 pm rating: 90
#8
mycaricature
this is just conjecture but *maybe* she was going to use it to take her mood stabiliser..
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:30 pm rating: 90
#9
CBS
I feel sorry for that poor husband. He should get while the getting is good.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:33 pm rating: 90
#10
k8
AND it’s in Comic Sans.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:33 pm rating: 90
#11
Yo, Seriously
DTMFA
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:38 pm rating: 90
#12
Melenie
Maybe it’s time to stop drinking. Team husband.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:40 pm rating: 90
#13
Courtney
Boy, that’s some serious anger issues right there. If I were her husband, I’d sleep with one eye open if I pissed her off.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:42 pm rating: 90
#14
M L
Uh, wow. Even if the note wasn’t so obscene and vicious in its delivery, I’d still think it was hugely bitchy in its sentiment. I mean, yeah, it’s shitty when things go missing that you wanted, but he’s your husband. Shared assets and all that. He has every right to expect that shit in the fridge is communal. No?
If this “keeps happening,” maybe try buying two gatorades instead of just one?
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:43 pm rating: 90
#15
Angie
Someone wrote this to their spouse???!?!
Some people seriously need to grow up before getting married.
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:57 pm rating: 90
#16
Ali
What kind of married couple labels their food!?
Jan 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm rating: 90
#17
I'm Rick James Bitch
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Do it now.
Jan 26, 2011 at 9:03 pm rating: 90
#18
shwo!
Note to husband: Want to see exactly how bug-fuck crazy Dani is? At the bottom of the note, write “tl;dr”.
Jan 26, 2011 at 9:06 pm rating: 90
#19
JetJackson
Metaphorically speaking his balls are already cut off.
Jan 26, 2011 at 9:37 pm rating: 90
#20
Divvitar
Instant psychopath, just add alcohol.
Jan 26, 2011 at 9:43 pm rating: 90
#21
cali
Aw come on! Yes it’s bitchy. Yes it’s brutal. But she at least recognized the bitchy, brutal error of her ways and posted it so we could all lambaste her. She’s come clean and is full of shame. Give her a break.
Now if her husband had posted it…
Jan 26, 2011 at 10:00 pm rating: 90
#22
snee
if her husband posted it, he did it using an anonymous isp address. from another country. or planet.
Jan 26, 2011 at 10:36 pm rating: 90
#23
Meri
If I didn’t already know her name was Dani, I would have sworn this was Elaine of the ‘everything in this crisper drawer is MINE!’ post a while back. Seriously, some of these angry ladies need to invest in their own fridge with a lock on it. Would save some poor guy’s balls.
Jan 26, 2011 at 11:16 pm rating: 90
#24
Odious
No doubt! Run away, husband, run away. Danger ahead.
Jan 26, 2011 at 11:46 pm rating: 90
#25
Cake Train
Ahahaha!! I would definitely love to be on the receiving end of this note. It would give me such opportunity to counter with a note of my own!
Dani,
Get your motherfucking ass out of my god damn liquor cabinet and come to bed at a decent hour. I am asleep in “our” bedroom while you are out “getting your swerve on” with all your slutty girlfriends until I wake up to my alarm going off and you stumbling in the front door. Next time I hope you have the decency to leave me at least a half bottle of vodka so I can forget we are married for a few hours.
XOXO
BALLS
Jan 27, 2011 at 12:14 am rating: 90
#26
Oink
What’s wrong with water?
Jan 27, 2011 at 2:28 am rating: 90
#27
Who? Me?
Oh dear.
Not only did Dani write the note to her hubby, she submitted the note to PAN, and presumably she is reading our reactions as we post them.
Dani, I sincerely hope that you can get some psychological counseling. Your note is not funny, it is incredibly hurtful … *especially* considering that your accusations were completely groundless. Your drinking is not funny – it is ultimately responsible for your writing a very threatening note to someone you theoretically should care about. Such a note is not easy to forget. And hungover or not – you have not acquired communication skills that will serve you well in life and especially your marriage. “Ready, Fire, Aim” is not a recipe for success.
I hope you find help, I really do.
Jan 27, 2011 at 2:42 am rating: 90
#28
teehoe
Dani, also, please look up “passive aggressive.” There’s nothing remotely passive about your note — just aggressive.
Jan 27, 2011 at 3:22 am rating: 90
#29
Grant
That should be finding it’s way into a solicitor’s file for a divorce petition.
Jan 27, 2011 at 4:31 am rating: 90
#30
Canthz_B
Is Gatorade theft still punishable by castration in America? We need to update the “penile” code!
Jan 27, 2011 at 5:31 am rating: 90
#31
Kate
What the fuck kind of married couple labels their food separately? Pretty sure you’re meant to share stuff.
Jan 27, 2011 at 5:38 am rating: 90
#32
brandine
Oh everybody leave her alone. She’s already paid her dues — she lives in Baltimore.
Jan 27, 2011 at 6:22 am rating: 90
#33
pegolasgreenleaf
I wonder what kind of note she’ll write when her husband wakes up & serves her some divorce papers.
Jan 27, 2011 at 6:37 am rating: 90
#34
cathy
just imagine if the husband had written his wife an angry note saying “i’ll chop your ovaries off, bitch.” a lot people would see that as abusive and threatening. but somehow the other way around is perfectly okay?
Jan 27, 2011 at 8:17 am rating: 90
#35
divaandwriter
Wow! Dominatrix in training!
Jan 27, 2011 at 8:52 am rating: 90
#36
TexasBlueEyes
Whoa, who would talk to their husband like that. Dump that bitch.
Jan 27, 2011 at 9:53 am rating: 90
#37
ashmeadow
Who is in such a high dungeon after binge drinking, that they are still sufficiently angry to type a note, print it out, find tape, and put it up, without once thinking that perhaps the sentiments therein are slight irrational?
Who is capable of putting this much effort into anything with a monster hangover?
Jan 27, 2011 at 11:32 am rating: 90
#38
Russian
Craziness aside, I’m already casting my vote for best note of 2011, because this is all round hilarious. And there’s already been several contenders! Best January ever.
Jan 27, 2011 at 11:53 am rating: 90
#39
QBALL
The funniest part was the threat to chop her husbands balls off,, geez if it were me I think I’d sleep with one eye open and one hand covering my junk
Jan 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm rating: 90
#40
Delicious
That gatorade was fucking delicious AND I BITCHED AT MY FUCKING HUSBAND FROM MARS FOR DRINKING IT. EVEN BETTER. *burps*
Jan 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm rating: 90
#41
Kate
I cannot imagine a marriage where you label your food.
You might say ‘please don’t drink the Gatorade’ but to label it is just freaky.
Jan 27, 2011 at 2:03 pm rating: 90
#42
dave
Let me get this straight. She woke up hung over, couldn’t find Gatorade and she went into frenzy! She turned on computer, printer, went to MS word and typed this long note to her husband then printed it out! Instead of, I don’t know, taking water and aspirin?
Ride to the crazy town for sure!
Who the hell writes notes to their spouses who is 5 feet away?!
Jan 27, 2011 at 2:05 pm rating: 90
#43
Jill
having dated several drunks (and not being a drinker myself) this is light on the anger for the morning after. Good composure, and way to not jump right to the cutting off the balls!
Jan 27, 2011 at 2:56 pm rating: 90
#44
oi
Bitches be crazy!
Sorry.
Always wanted to say that.
Jan 27, 2011 at 3:51 pm rating: 90
#45
MitziBell
It’s a good thing this is America, where the penalty for Gatorade stealing is only the THREAT of castration. On some planets, hubby’s balls would be marinated in the actual Gatorade, chopped off, and then served to him.
Alas for Dani, on most of those planets, exclamation points are severely rationed, so raving alcoholic-bitch rants are much more difficult to make sufficiently menacing.
Jan 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm rating: 90
#46
Andie
So this married couple labels things in the fridge and then she leaves hate notes when he steals her food? This marriage seems kinda weird to me. Why can’t she just scream at him directly like a normal person?
Jan 27, 2011 at 4:17 pm rating: 90
#47
Doug Stephens
What a catch. The husband must be so happy he married El Drunko the Ball-Cutter.
Jan 27, 2011 at 6:08 pm rating: 90
#48
lelu
I dunno. I’m kind of Team Dani on this one even if she is sort of a bitch.
I don’t know what kind of husband she has…maybe he’s the douche who forces the labeling of items in the fridge. Maybe she drinks to get away from him…who knows? Maybe it was a once a year girls night out?
Maybe Dani is just an evil bitchface.
I think her note was incredibly mean and incredibly hurtful over some dumb shit like Gatorade, but I kind of do understand that sort of instant rage while married. Resentment can build, and eventually someone blows…been there. Ideally that doesn’t happen, but no marriage is perfect, and I know lots of my happily married friends have had similar issues. My husband and I hardly ever argue, we spend lots of time laughing, we talk together. We have so much fun with each other…but man, occasionally he can piss me off like no other and I him. I could see myself getting this pissed off over something small like this.
Skip the divorce…invest in marital therapy with a GOOD therapist.
Jan 27, 2011 at 6:28 pm rating: 90
#49
havingfitz
I’d be gone in a heartbeat, but I’ll admit that being a child of a raging she-beast drunk my opinion is a bit biased. And after “WTF is your problem” she should have either used ?!? instead of all exclaimation points, or the useful but highly underrated interrobang. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang
Jan 27, 2011 at 7:34 pm rating: 90
#50
Canthz_B
The fallout from the acquittal of Lorena Bobbitt continues.
“The Gatorade Defense”, however, may not reach the emotional distress bar.
Only time (and a set of severed balls) will tell.
Jan 28, 2011 at 5:22 am rating: 90
#51
Chiclet
My husband and I have had many fights over who ate the last whatever in the fridge, but none of them have ever ended with my threatening to chop his ball off…
Jan 28, 2011 at 9:12 am rating: 90
#52
Niveus Pluma
Never mind the rant, what sort of marriage have these two got that they communicate by note and write their names on their food in the fridge? What happened to “to love and to share” etc?!
Jan 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm rating: 90
#53
Ajax
Do grown ups really keep Gatorade on hand in anticipation of a serious hangover?
Jan 29, 2011 at 4:03 pm rating: 90
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