Entries from January 2011

If you’ve ever suspected the tech support staff of acting a little bit passive-aggressive…

January 24th, 2011 · 126 Comments

…well, you’re probably right. (Small acts of passive-aggression are just one of the many coping strategies IT workers employ in order to maintain their own sanity while forced to deal with incredibly, outrageously, mind-bogglingly stupid people like you.)

But if you think you’re being patronized when the Help Desk operator asks you to make sure your power cord is plugged in…well, you’re probably not. (Because — like the 10 other people who called before you complaining “My computer won’t turn on!” — your power cord probably isn’t plugged in.)

Just ask our submitter Jessica, who works the IT Help Desk at a college in Portland, Oregon. Jessica calls this chart,  created by fellow help-desker, “a very accurate visual representation of a typical day at work.”

The IT Help Desk Wheel of Responses: That sounds like a hardware problem. No, it's gone forever. OK, let me Google that for you. Have you tried restarting your computer? Is the cord plugged in? Have you tried changing your password? Yes, click OK. It's a scam, just delete it.

related: Passive-aggressive flowcharts

Tags: "customer service" · most popular notes of 2011 · Portland

When hand-washing gets a little out of hand

January 23rd, 2011 · 70 Comments

When her company recently relocated, says Sara in St. Louis, her department and several others were thrown together in a new office where the marketing group had already staked its claim.

“Marketing had tagged the soap they supplied in the bathroom because it was getting thrown away,” says Sara, “but when the other groups moved in they started tagging their products too.”

At this point, she says, “It’s getting a little awkward. I’m not in any of these departments — I just want to wash my hands.”

The office sink pissing contest

related: Everything in this drawer belongs to Elaine.

Tags: bathroom · office · St. Louis · washing your hands

Clues that you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

January 20th, 2011 · 53 Comments

1. Your explanation for the following: “It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.”

"Employee Suggestion Box" (a.k.a. the office paper shredder)

2. At this point, it’s every zombie for himself.

Dear Sudoku Thief, NOT COOL! Of all the things in this office to steal, you chose a Sudoku book. You have deprived a terribly bored person of their only mind-saving activity at work. -Pissed Off Sudoku Puzzler

3. Even the visual metaphors have given up.

Morale Plant: As it Grows, So Will Company Morale. Looks like all the pilots whining and crying is killing the morale plant.

4. And those noises you’re hearing? That’s actually the sound of your life force slowly leaching out of your body.

Sighing is Contagious! Please keep your sighs to yourself! Share smiles not sighs!

(Thanks to Marcus in Indiana, David in California, Bunny in Florida, and anonymous in New York for their soul-sucking submissions.)

related: Motivational posters for a down economy

Tags: most popular notes of 2011 · now that's management · office

But…but…if your relationship was never public on Facebook, did it ever really exist?

January 19th, 2011 · 49 Comments

You can be sure our submitter wasn’t the only rubbernecking bystander on Facebook to feel pained by the awkwardness on display in this public wound-picking.

Dear “C”: A word of advice? Back away from your computer. Disconnect your WiFi. Channel your feelings into a Taylor Swift song or a six-pack or something. Unless, of course, you want to end up like this 20 years down the road…

C: I think that you never changed your relationship status from single during the 11 months we dated ought to have clued me in. Hope you're doing well. S: Either that, or you're on facebook even less than I am, and all of my profile info is a few years out of date. C: Well, as I happened to mention it a few times while we were dating, and as it would have taken you 30 seconds to change it, it still follows. However, we're not dating anymore, so I don't have to be hurt by your essential ambivalence toward the relationship anymore. Cheerio!

related: Another example of why you should never publish your relationship status on Facebook

Tags: ex drama · Facebook

The restaurant patrons from hell

January 18th, 2011 · 344 Comments

It was a the peak of the lunchtime rush, explains our submitter, a waitress at a busy Chili’s restaurant, and these customers made it clear early on that they weren’t happy with their meal. As you can see from the check, she says, “My manager already comped $18 dollars worth of food that they complained about” — not to mention that when the entrees were remade (for free), the customers ate every last bit — and enjoyed a free dessert as well.

“Apparently, that wasn’t enough, however,” our submitter says. At the end of the meal, “they were still charged for the appetizers they ordered (which they devoured and didn’t complain about),” but somehow they still felt morally superior enough to dine and dash. Adds our waitress: “Tipping may be optional, but walking out on your bill is still theft.”

Absolutely Horrible Service !! Therefore we are only paying half.

Meanwhile, this customer’s approach (as submitted by Thomas in Palo Alto), is just bad form. Homophone fail!

No tip cuz your a BITCH

related: A friendly tip from your waitress

Tags: restaurant · that's illegal · tipping

Faux (feu) pas

January 17th, 2011 · 42 Comments

To me, this note is like that scene about 17 minutes into an episode of Law & Order, when the detectives run into an overly-talkative building manager and ask him he’s seen anything suspicious lately. Then, inevitably, the guy says something like, “Well, now that you mention it, ’bout two days ago, one of the residents tried to burn some old bloody clothes in that fireplace over dere. I guess the guy wasn’t too smaht, cause he didn’t figure out that fireplace ain’t real. You know, it’s just for show.”

To Whom it May Concern, I regret to inform you that this is, in fact, a fake fireplace, and that your attempt to burn your old clothes has failed. Kindly collect your things and dispose of them properly.  Regretfully yours, Not the maid

related: When sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately.

Tags: Boston · neighbors · Oops? · Too good to be real? · WTF?

Diagnosis: Toilet (an exercise in psychoceramics)

January 16th, 2011 · 32 Comments

Is your toilet acting up again? Has your plumber already thrown up his hands and said he’s done everything he can? Perhaps it’s time you turned to Dr. Josiah Carberry, foremost expert in psychoceramics, to determine what’s really got your pot cracked.

Just take a look at these real-life examples:

1. Diagnosis: Irritable Bowl Syndrome

Plea from a Toilet: The life of a toilet is much more stressful than people realize...  Please don't throw anything but toilet paper into my bowl. I just can't handle it right now.

2. Diagnosis: Gross motor skill impairment

Do not throw anything to toilet "please"

3. Diagnosis: Projection and Displacement behaviors potentially indicative of a narcissistic personality type…or too many episodes of The Sopranos

Take care of me and I will take care of you. I don't eat paper towels, baby wipes, napkins, or any female products. Sincerely, The Toilet.

(Thanks to Adam in New York, Janet in Northern Virginia, and Tamie in Tampa for their submissions…and apologies to any readers offended by the excessive use of puns.)

related: Five reasons to be glad you’re not a plumber

Tags: anthropomorphism · kinda creepy · toilet · unnecessary "quotation marks"

Local paper doing its part to keep uppity women in their place…on the society page

January 13th, 2011 · 64 Comments

While scanning the Celebrations section of the local newspaper, Caroline in Raleigh, North Carolina was amused to see this unusual little “non-wedding announcement.”

And while I’m sure the editors (bless their hearts) were just pleased by this cheeky bit of “outside the box” feature-writing — with no implied judgement regarding a young woman’s lack of an MRS. degree — the “tsk-tsking” feel of the last line (unintentional or not) still made me feel like I was reading a Junior League newsletter from 1962.

While her three siblings were hard at work planning their respective weddings, Nikelle Orellana was busy honing her creative skills. On June 24, 2010 she received a daytime Emmy for Outstanding Achievement in Main Title and Graphic Design. The award was for her work on Avec Eric, a cooking show featured on PBS. Nikelle is the daughter of Dr. and Mrs. Juan Orellana of Wake Forest, NC. She holds degrees from NC State School of Design and California Institute of the Arts (Cal Arts). Ms. Orellana is currently living in NYC where she works as a senior graphic designer for Droga 5. At present she has no plans for a wedding.

related: The “Next to Marry” List

extra credit: Dad glad for three weddings [newsobserver.com]

Tags: newspaper · North Carolina · Raleigh · weddings and bridezillas

An old dog, up to the same old tricks

January 12th, 2011 · 116 Comments

One day, says Nancy in Arizona, her dad was getting in his car during his lunch break from Lowe’s (the home-improvement big-box store), when he found this note tucked into his door frame.

“He was surprised,” Nancy says, but instead of taking the contrarian approach, dear old Dad decided to humor the person and move his car one spot over. At the end of the day, he actually got a glimpse of the notewriter — a “rather old lady” who works as the store’s phone operator.

“We spent a lot of time discussing her possible reasons for wanting that specific parking spot back,” Nancy says — especially given that it doesn’t seem to have any particular advantage over the other 500 or so spots in the lot — but in the end, they just had to laugh.

I've parked in this space since 2002 I'd like my space back if you don't mind. Thank you

related: I’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible: don’t park in my spot.

Tags: Arizona · old folks · painfully polite · parking

Sorry, I thought those were the *shared* office toenail clippers!

January 11th, 2011 · 68 Comments

Our submitter, Rob in Cleveland, says he found this note on his computer screen upon returning to his desk after lunch one day. “I honestly don’t bring my toenail clippers to work,” Rob says. “They were just hurting inside my pocket so I put them on my desk and forgot about them, and this is what I get.”

Thank you for the use of your clippers. Mine were to[sic] to do my toenails. They were really bugging me & started to destroy linings in my shoes.

At first glance, I thought the note must have been sarcastic — surely, no one would actually borrow another’s toenail clippers, right? — so I asked Rob for some clarification.

As it turns out, Rob is pretty sure the note was no joke. “The guy who wrote it is one of the grossest people at work,” he explains. And as for why he had toenail clippers in his pocket to begin with? Says Rob: “I cut my nails in my car on the way to work.”

Of course. Well, I’m glad we cleared that one up.

related: The Jake Issues

Tags: Cleveland · hygiene · questionable logic · that's unsanitary · TMI · to/too · WTF?